When I was 18 I tried to commit suicide, I know what it's like to feel so hopeless, unaprisiated and like everything you do is conterproductive and wrong and there cease to be a purpose in living.
I am 23 and still alive - I survived because i realised that I am not a bad person, that there are others (though not many) out there, who are just like me and feel that they are alone in this world.
I relised what was causing me to feel the way I did about myself and my life - was my current situation at the time. It was my family and their friends; the people in my life that prevented me from living my life the way I wanted. The people who brought me up, cause me to doubt myself, to have no confidence and to hate myself. I was so gulable, I believed everything they said.
In other words - It was the situation I was in and not me, so I ran away from home, changed my name, made new friends, started new.
It took me years to bring my confidence back, get into Uni, get my life back on track and learn about who I am again.
At this point in time, I have no family, I stood up to them and confronted them about how they treated me as I was growing up.
The bottom line is it's a load off my chest to be able to stay what I have to say to those people in my past - but as I suspected, they're in denil about everything that happend - they talk about the past as though nothing much happend and it was no big deal. They don't think they need to change their ways and they don't even want to appologise about their behaviour and they don't want to make the effort to have a better relationship with me, get to know me better - They still see me with same eye as they did years ago, talk to me the same and make me feel like a failure.
My friends are my family, they make me feel happy, they are there to help me when I need them, and don't judge me.
Though I still feel lonely at times, and will need to see a councellor to help me put the past behind me further. I am happy now.
And when I get depressed about something going wrong in my life, I just remember what I've been through, and how lucky I am to still be alive.
I beleive eveyone is equal no matter how rich or poor they are or what background they come from. The only people I don't think well of are those with ill intent, and unkind and cruel people - I stand up to them now, I put them in their place.
Everyone has the right to live and enjoy life, everyone has a purpose. But sometimes it's hard to see a purpose when you get so down and stuck in a rut. So I try to find a solution and never give up - and sometime the best solution is to leave and start new somewhere else - don't kill yourself, find out what is causing your feelings and get as far away from it as you can.
It probaby also helps to know that I've been so confused about who I was, that I got pregnant and had a baby - and only later realised that he wasn't the right guy for me.
luckily he's a good hearted person, and agreed to raise the child by himself and let me go, so that I may finish my Uni degree and sort out my confusion.
so that's where I am now. still a mother, but I have my freedom, setting small goals for the future.
Life takes you on a journey and you never know where you'll end up, or what really awaits you.
But setting small goals, creating oportunites , creating a purpose for yourself in life, makes life worth living.
No one really wants to die, if they can live a happy life - the life they dream of.