Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

Hi Purple
sorry to read you are feeling so sad...
well, Í've just looked at your profile photo, and your two gorgeous DDs would most probably not agree with you.
YOu have interaction with them - they need their mum.
come on, you have to carry on for their sake.

Hullo purpleone, are you still about?

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible tonight. Have you rung the Samaritans? It may help to have someone in real life to talk to - they are used to discussing suicide so don't be scared to talk about it.

How old are your daughters? Can you focus on them, staying well for them? They need you to be here you know.

I remember some of your previous threads, do you have mental health support at all? Is there someone you can ring in the morning? Remember everything seems at its absolute worst at 4am.

daughters are 14 and 11.

I can't focus on them cos even dd1 says says im a 'billy no mates' and a 'fucking loner'

the only support i have is with cmht....and they balme the drink for everyting, clashign with my meds, but if they offered counselling or something fecking useful, I might be able to kick the drink.

It's not just 4am..it's all the damn time I feel this way. And I hate it. The only people I talk to in life are my kids, I cant use them for support like this, it's not fair on them and they dont understand.

I tried the samaritans once before and they told me to make peace with my mother. I did try numerous times, but she wont pick up the phone, and I wasnt at fault. She has not spoke to me nor the girls for 2 years now.
She lost a son before I was born, I am struggling to get my head around that - to bugger me and the grandchildren off too....

I can take all the anti d;s in the world, but they wont solve anything in my life. They dont even make me feel better, I just want to die, there is nothing worth living for.

Hi Purple, here's the Samaritans number: 08457 90 90 90

Please call them. I'm happy to stay and talk, but you need more support than any of us can give you at the moment.

I know that sometimes the idea of gettting through your whole life seems overwhelming and you just want it to stop. but you know that's your illness talking. So how about we just concentrate on managing until 5 am?

Purpleone children can say the most hurtful and cruel things, but they still are children and need their mum.

Do you go to AA? It does sound as if you have some very real problems that are exacerbated by your dependence on alcohol. I'm sure the alcohol seems to help short term but is probably really not helping your ability to tackle what else is causing you pain in your life.

It does sound like you have some long term problems which would benefit from some serious therapy, is your GP able to refer you or can the cmht refer you to a psychiatrist?

purple. i don't really know what to say to you. my lovely mum died in july (not through suicide) and it has devastated me and left me with loads and loads of issues and an overwhelming feeling of being simply "motherless". to do this to your girls would be horrible....they need you. you would damage them more that you ever realise by leaving them.

you are ill at the moment and need help to get better. sometimes you have to ask for help. people don't always read between the lines, you may have to spell it out to someone, preferably your mental health team, your gp, someone who you can talk to (phone helpline?)

you sound so incredablke lonely sweetheart...i know nothing at all about you or your history, but it is sounding as if maybe you have turned down help in the past? you need to make the first move on your road to recovery...

once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. call someone this morning. do it for you, do it for your girls.

i wish you well. x

Ah, just sending you warm, strong feelings of support. I hope you can find a way to feel better. Your children will need you more than you know. Feelings in the night are always so much more intense than during the day. I can't tell you what to do to make things better because I don't know you, but I can tell you that not being there for your kids won't make things better.

Take care and try to talk to someone today to share your feelings with xxxx

pleased dont let yourself die

you need professional help
to see that you are worth it

no matter what your daughters say they still love you, they need you

please dont put them through the grief of losing someone so close to them

I'm not dealing with it and they are just young.....

please call the samaritans and be completely honest please

PURPLEONE Please seek urgent professional advice. Call your local A&E or Samaritans or someone who can help you now.

Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to help if you're feeling seriously distressed or suicidal, and Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice and support.

Copied and pasted from the top of this page.

Purple are you still about? I'm available to talk, msn etc whatever way, if you want to. I've tried to kill myself before, many years ago, and I self harmed for a long time so I understand some of what you're feeling. I was depressed and anxious a lot of the time. Even now I go through phases of anxiety.

You're not just another face. I see from your profile you're in E London, whereabouts? I moved from there a few years ago, I lived in Stepney. I hope you're reading still, there are always people that care and that are willing to help.

PurpleOne, hope you are ok this morning?
Please ring your Drs, even just to get an advice call, speak to someone NOW.
Your daughters will love you no matter what, but are teenage girls so maybe more self conscious/self centred at the moment, and they should not be your source of help. However they do still need you, just as much as they did when they were little.
Ring the Drs, change your ADs if they are not helping. Ask for counselling, it won't do any harm.
Spend a bit of time on yourself, take a bath, and try to think of any good things on your life. There will be some. And stroke the cat! S/he will appreciate it.
Keep in touch on here, there will always be someone on line, ready to chat.

PurpleOne - how are you feeling??

Get to your GPs, plan some outdoor activities with your dds this weekend. Only you can climb out of this hole, take a long look at your dds and I challenge you to think they're not worth living for.

Hi PurpleOne? Sorry you're down at the moment. You know you can go up again, so just fix that thought in your mind and hang on to it.

How's your very beautiful cat? Mine had 3 kittens in June. We've still got one of them, which makes us a 3 cat family - one for each lap! The kitten is very demanding and won't let you do anything while stroking/petting her - she wants your full attention and makes sure she gets it! Very cute though. Jet black with amber eyes and a very very long tail.

Hi Purple one, where are you? Are you still with us? The only way for you to go now is up. I am in west london, and if you want to talk i will figure out a way to get you my number. Nothing remains the same, purpleone, but you won't know that unless you stick around.
Have you got too much time on your hands?

Hoping you're ok

I'm still here and having a total mare of a day.

SeeyounextTuesday, I already went up A&E back in September with these thoughts. They wanted to keep me in for obs but my tosser ex wouldn't take the children overnight and I had to come home with a couple of Valium

My house is in jeopardy yet again. I have hoorendous rent arrears and my landlord threaten to take me to court. I offered £10 a week to placate her and she accepted.
The owner of the building came to see me today and told me the shop lease downstairs will expire next year and he said (and I quote)
'We'll decide then whether to get rid of you or not'

Jux, my cat is just fine. I've soaked her fur with tears on quite a few recent occasions and she just puts up with it and lays on my pillow with me. Kittens have gone now though.

I am so bloody lonely. It hurts so much to ahve the endless emptiness inside me and it never goes away.

purpleone,i remember when you went to the hospital last month.You should go back to your medical people and tell them how desperate you are feeling,ring someone as soon as you can.

Purpleone, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and alone. Could you try contacting the dr/hospital again?

The Samaritans do email (address is [email protected]), too, so if ever you wanted to contact them but didn't want to call, there's that as well.

Cats are great for that aren't they? When I was in primary school and being really badly bullied, I would come home and lie on the bed wishing I was dead, holding the cat and crying. He would lick the tears off my face and we would both fall asleep. I tried to off myself a couple of times, but being less than 10 I didn't manage it very well, obviously!

I'm hugely grateful now that I was so incompetent; I was 8/9 and it seemed that waiting until I was 18 to be even slightly happy was more than I could do - longer than the whole of my life before my parents would let me leave school; and I'd been miserable for more than half of mylife by then.

Life does change. It is always worth hanging about to see what happens. Please hang about PurpleOne.

I got bullied at school too Jux. It got so bad, my parents had to pull me out of that school and send me to another school, and the bullies had tried to set me on fire. Thankfully , it was just my bag and jacket that went up in smoke (while I was wearing them) . Those same cunts got me a police caution too. Stealing in th shop and putting it in my bag and muggins got caught with it.
And that followed with me to my new high school. I got tripped up, black eyes, stickers on the back and the lunch chucked everywhere.Kicked up the arse, dog turds and dead spiders in the desk....etc, will never forget it.
Bullying happened all the way through school. Even in primary, I'd had an operation on my eyes to correct a squint and had to go school often wearing eyepatches ad a ripped off eyebrow....that called for much piss taking I can say.

Sufficed to say, self esteem is non existent. My marriage ended in 2000, then I got involved with a DV relationship and he hit my kids, and smacked me about, pinned me on beds, had me up the wall by my throat, left bruises.....I never got counselling for that either.
CMHT haven't offered couselling. And they have said I'm not entitled to CBT either. Doc can't send me for counsellin, as the place they use, won't accept referrals from people who engage with a drink/drugs counsellor. FFS

I'm worried aboout my home now...AGAIN. DD1 has been a prat tonight and pulled me off the chair and pulled my hair. I love her to bits, but I fucking hate her guts. The very same girl who pushed my beloved cat out of an upstairs window. DD2 has been smacked in the mouth by her tonight, and slapped across the face.

I can't do this anymore. I really can't. Got lots of beer here and I'm gonna get totally fucking wasted. I've had enough of it all.

You kmow what? We've had social services with us for the last 18 months or so. ad a rapport going with the FW. She told us she was going on mat leave end of Nov....she's buggered off, no phone call and not even a fucking goodbye....

Hi purpleone, I just wanted to say hello. Please don't get wasted - I know it feels like that right thing to do but it will just sap your energy and make you feel like shit tomorrow. Your girls do need you - even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You are the cornerstone of their lives and please try to stay strong for them.
Wishing you lots of luck and a hug.