Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

PurpleOne - please try to ride this out until you feel better enough not to do anything about it. I agree with Zippi that it feels worse at night. Really, I have been there in terms of wanting to end life. For me it's because I can't switch off my head. But I know I must not let my illness kill me.

Do you have a social worker, CPN etc? Are you under a psychiatrist? Could you not go into hospital for a while if necessary? You need urgent help as far as I can see. But right now HOLD ON xx

I had a family worker, electra. She was supposed to leave end of nov on mat leave. Shes just buggered off without so much as a phone call, anything in place or even a sodding goodbye. Nothing else in place for now. Even my drink keyworker has gone to another post...too many goodbyes and nothing else in place. I know everyone hates the SS, I disagreed with a lot of things too...but I looked forward to the knock on the door and someone wanting to see me...IYSWIM?
No CPN here. Had one in the past until ex DV twat got to see the same person.....
Have a psych at CMHT but all he wants to do is blame the drink.

I know it feels much worse at night. But even in the day, I just want to hide and sleep in bed, or watch tv under the quilt with the cat.
the feelings have never gone away for a long time. I hardly post on here in the day. I want to stay in bed and watch tv or sleep.

I always feel like shit cathcat, no matter whether beer involved or not. Just want to sleep forever.
You guys are keeping me going. can't ring the samaritans right now -they told me to make peace with my mum previous and I can't do that.

PurpleOne: You were posting on the other thread about the poor girl having to flee to a hotel with her DC from violent X. That you could offer so much help and kindness to someone else in trouble when you are in great mental distress demonstrates what a strong, loving and valuable human being you are. Please hold on to that thought. You helped that girl tonight just by offering her kindness, you do contribute to the world just by being in it and there is always something to hope for and hold on to.

i can't imagine anyone wanting to go on in life with no hope and nothing to look forward to.

so you need to create your own - a one day a week college course or swimming or gym -something that will get you out and talking to other people.

do you work? if not a job - or volunteer. volunteering is a great way to make friends.

you can sit and piss and moan about it and drink yourself stupid and hope that the meds and the drink will take it away.

you can let your teenagers see it and then wish they had some respect for you. You need to lead by example.

theres no magic fairy going to make it better.
you have to make it better

so your suggestions please - how are you going to make this happen tommorrow? i'm not talking gp's hospitals and sobriety. I'm talking about creating that something to look forward to week after week.

I am so astounded to see your thread here PU, and heartbroken for you. You were a hero on that other thread, a total light for that poor woman and her boys on such a dark night.

I think SGB is dead on, I think that tomorrow, when you hide under your duvet, you might try to think about how you helped her. Focus on her and checking her thread. What an ego boost for you! You were brilliant! Generous and understanding and cool as a cucumber.

All that sound advice you gave and read, take a bit yourself. Do you want to be him, or do you want to be her. You have ll it takes, you can do it.

Hope you are ok PurpleOne. X

I'm fine treedelivery.

I guess I'm just one of those people. Always willing to help others out, yet theres no love and light in my own life.I always help out others because I care IYSWIM, and karma has it's way of working back. Yet I never get any help back here. Ex doesn't help at all and there's no RL help either.

I guess I'm contradicting everything I said on my last post here, but that girl needed help right here, right now. And knowing that I've been in a situ like that, I couldn't bear to log off without saying something, knowing that she was so close to me.

But at the end of the day, I could say that these were just words on a screen, written by people who don't even know me. BUT after I posted my phone number on the other thread, I had a couple of texts from a couple of well known MN'ers offering support for that poor woman too.

I'm going to text that girl tomorrow when I've topped my phone up - just to make sure she's ok. I don't work so have all the time in the world to go and meet her for coffee/cake and a chat if she needs it. She doesn't know it, but she'd be helping me too, jjust by a little bit of company. Somebody whose interested and wants to talk to me.

And Custy is right, as always. As is SGB. I am not an all day binge drinker. my feelings come alive at night when I've had a few - hence the late nights, and there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. I used to swim. I used to do yoga. I tried to do an OU course and fucked that up badly.
I even used to be a practising Wiccan...and with Samhain coming up, that could be the kick that I need.
It's just really hard when depression consumes you and all you want to do is sleep, and hide from the world. Putting it into action is the hard part.

It's late here now so am off to bed. need to sleep badly.
You'll all never know how much you all meant to me tonight. A random Mn'er was the first person to text me in 4 weeks!

Sleep well, Purple

Hope sleep has brought you some peace. Remember to have brought your girls up to this age with the crap hand you've been dealt, is absolutely amazing. Well done, you. Depression is crap and does make you want to hide, but come on here and talk about it, if you can't face people. MNers are always willing to help. Good luck Purple.

Can you think of something that would make life worth living to you? What would make life worth living?

You sound deeply angry and depressed. Depression is an awful thing but it is possible to get out of that desperately unhappy place. Depending on alcohol will not solve those horrible feelings or your poor self esteem but only keep it all going in a downward spiral. Alcoholism renders you incapable of getting out of the depression. From what you describe, you have made attempts to get help/counselling/proper mental health support but it sounds like you need to be more assertive and be more motivated to make it happen. Go to AA.

Your children are suffering because of your suffering and your DD1 sounds like she is acting out - also crying out for help. Children naturally want to love their parents and are capable of being deeply forgiving. Even if your DD1 is acting really badly towards you now it is only one side of the picture and you know it. You love her to bits. I'll bet she loves you to bits. I'll bet she hates how unhappy you are and how unhappy that makes her feel though.

You are not a victim. You are responsible for your actions. So get proper help for yourself ASAP 1) because you are a valuable human being and 2) because you have daughters who would suffer losing you immensely. Don't punish and scar them for life with suicide - it isn't up to them to help you, it is up to you to get the help you need and get yourself out of this. Then you will be able to be a responsible, loving parent again to your daughters. Take good care.

hey purple. how you doing today? hope you feel rested after a bit of kip. x

You have loads to look forward too. Your daughters wedding day, her first pregnancy, watching her get ready for a date, being a nanna.

Most of our deep joys are bound up in our kids these days.

For today, why not make a couple of goals.
No matter how tired and shitty you feel - you will text that girl, and this eve you will rent a video or something - an offer to have an evening on the couch with the girls and fish and chips. Something easy and simple like that. They may have plans but you will offer and they have the option to join mum for a chill out. They might not, thats kids for you.

When you have done it, it will feel good.

Hi, I am sorry you are not getting the help you need. It sounds like you need some time out of that situation. You've have got to be strong for yourself because there is not much help in this country or continuety of care.

You should ask Social services if there is a Befriending charity in your area. People that can visit you, check that you are okay. But, I don't know, if you could get off the drink, get busy, and get away from those girls for a while, that would be good?

Hi PurpleOne. I had to bugger off last night, sorry. Can't stay on MN like I used to; since my mum died there's been so much to sort out and do, and dd is really really upset. She's lost her second mum and her haven of peace and security. They used to sit in granny's flat and sew together listening to Harry Potter read by Stephen Fry.

It's so easy to fall into helplessness, isn't it? And once you're there, so hard to climb out. Why are you not getting the help you need? I hesitate to suggest anything - partly from ignorance and partly I'm sure you've heard it all, and probably tried it all too. I can only think of things like Sure Start, Home Start.

PurpleOne, life can be very bleak, but you can get through this dark tunnel and come out the other end.

I just came across your thread and didn't want to miss sending you a hug. I am so sorry you are so sad. But please don't do anything bad to yourself - you are obviously a wonderfully kind, caring person and that sort of person is very special. Your children may not seem to appreciate you, but they would be devastated to lose you.

hey purple remembering you from a former alcohol dependent thread - hang on in there mate. Try and kick the booze you no it makes sense - I am no one to talk just spent the last 5 nights pissed and hung over and nasty to my dcs the next day - feeling like shit myself - but dont ever give up Purple please - your kids love you - even if you never feel it they do

I saw you on the other thread as well PO. You are such a star.

Do Homestart operate in your area. If the lonliness is a big part of the problem maybe having someone visit you, even if its just for a coffee and chat (vent) might be a help.

Your GP can refer you or I think you can refer yourself on their website.

Hope today is a little bit brighter for you and tomorrow brighter still.

Alright PurpleOne? Just checking in on you. x

Yeah I'm ok tree.

Feeling a bit foolish and confused about the validity of the other thread. Espceially with offering a bed at 2 in the morning. She would have been lovely company for me, had she arrived, or even answered her texts.
I did have a good chat with an MNer on the phone which was very nice. Forgot what my mobile phone ringtone was - it hasn't rung in weeks!
The DCs are too old for HomeStart though. I used them years ago when DD2 was 4 yrs old.

Going to make a couple of calls tomorrow. Ring back the SS and see if we have a new FW coming to see us, and I'm off to the jokeshop Jobcentre as my benefits are stopping next week.

But we did have fish and chips tonight though

Glad the fish and chips went down well. Feeling a bit peckish now myself! Good luck with SS and the jobcentre!

I think you are an amazing, articulate, strong woman purple, with two beautiful daughters, please try and concentrate on the positives........remember you are ill, please seek help to get better, thinking of you xx

Glad you enjoyed the fish and chips!

They always make me feel slightly better.

I hope you make progression tomorrow.

Have just read the other "other" thread you are referring too.

You should never feel foolish about offering help even if it turns out to be unwarranted. It shows your are a kind, sensitive human being.

You do sound much brighter today, if you dont mind me saying so.

Reading back, am I right in thinking you are receiving no help at all for the alcoholism or depression atm.

when i was in the hostel for dv ...me and the kids. i met lots of women. nobody spoke to the alcoholic one,til one day her kids walked past us and said their mum had broken her toe....so i went to her room,got loads of abuse etc,but i packed her off to a and e and fed her kids. nobody wanted to get involved. but we found some common ground,and we are good friends now.....miles between us,but friends still.

her alcohol problem still alienates her in her town....no friends....so sad.