Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

thanks pip

UnMNly and all, but I don't give a shit right now about all the MN politics.
I'm just taking it minute by minute....

*gasps thru tears

My old keyworker said about voluntary work and he sent me an internet link www.doit.org.uk

I really hope thats the right link.

Shit breeds shit. You know that I know that. That's what is so unfair about being in a bad situation. You need to start with teeny tiny things, make them better where you can and do so knowing that that doesn't change years of things going tits up. Not immediately anyway.

Your DD's is a product of the crappiness so this doesn't make it anyone's fault. However, knowing that might make you feel less 'got at' or responsible or whatever maybe?

I so nearly didn't post my reservations on FA's thread but I did and fwiw I will restate them. It is very tempting to become someone's else's helper or saviour when you feel that being that person to yourself is futile. Be very wary as it can enhance feeling that you have some sort of midas touch.

Do something for you tomorrow and following that do something for the life that you are about to start having. Something that no matter how much of a crap time you have between that day and next week you can store it as a tiny achievement towards building what you want to have.

That's what I'm doing. I hope it helps you.

I've just checked that link and it's the right one - 'volunteering made easy'.

Thinking back to the other thread and your rough location, there seem to be quite a lot of volunteering roles in your approx. area. Take a look and see if you fancy any.
Alternatively, walk into your nearest charity shop and ask if they need any help. Or ask in the library next time you are in there as they sometimes have that sort of local information.

Perhaps following this up could be the 'tiny achievement' hobbgoblin is talking about?

Keep with the deep breathing, it's so much better than gasping .

I can't be doing it right now. My head is fucked and addled and bollocksed.
Have had enough of people taking the piss out of me...

Purpleone
I have at times in my life been so depressed I used to lie in bed willing my body to shut down and die.I did not have children and can't imagine how much harder it would have been if I had.
Antidepressants saved my life.
Please get help.
And I am sending you a hug and a kiss whether you like it or not x

Not right now, of course, but perhaps something to look forward to doing next week?

For the moment, I think you doing OK - the minute by minute thing is working and you've made it through a lot of minutes since we've been talking.

Have you had a chance to think about calling/emailing Samaritans? I'm going to have to go and see to the baby soon and I'd like to know that you have someone to talk to.

I didn't want to be her helper hobbgobb, I just wanted to help a woman in distress.
I wish someone would help me right now.

That FA, if she had come, she would have given the company and companionship that I crave - but she will never know that.
My dd1 has been hell on Earth to deal with for years, sorry to say but she has. Screaming and shouting and she hits her sister daily. Even the FSW said that was sibling abuse.
Now she's started hitting me. Have had numerous bruises cos of her. Shes pulled my hair, jumped on me, screamed at me and called me the old bitches and cunts under the sun. I'm lazy and bone idle and the last thing she said to me (cos she couldn't be arsed making her own toast) was a god forsaken bunch of fucking lazy idleness with a cunt thrown in
If I was in a better state, I would have slapped her back and got in her face and told her how mean she was being. But I chose to lock the door and cry...and I can hear her laughing next door.

All of my tiny acheivments are usually slapped into the ground and forgotten about Due to the blatant lack of support.All exh does is dock their pocket money....as if they give a shit eh???

A lot of people are here to get what they can for themselves out of life. In fact, underneath most social interraction with others, we all are. Maybe you need to do a little bit of looking after you and forget trying to gain that sense of worth and purpsoe and happiness from being lovely to others. Be lovely to you.

If you volunteer or something, do it for you and let the secondary benefit be to those you volunteer for. This way people won't let YOU down and you will be looking after YOURself as you deserve.

I am stupidly giving to others (not saying you are stupid but I am) and tbh. the more I give the more I have the piss taken of me a lot of the time.

I have anti depressants jasper.I started them in Aug. One week of 20mg, then p to 40mg as advised by the psych. I felt so shit I toook myself up to A&E. Now back down to 20 and I still don't feel any better. I feel like doing myself in, I have electric shocks all over my body every time I suddenly move, and I just want to sleep all the damn time.

Can't blame it all on the booze. I felt so much better without them. My exh said I need a mood stabiliser and I think he may be right...

The problem with depression is that there is NOTHING at all that you want to do as nothing brings any joy at all.

I remember when the realisation hit me there was nothing at all I wanted to do , no place I wanted to visit, absolutely nothing that would cheer me up. It was a very frightening place. There genuinely seemed no point to anything.

But Purpleone I am better now. PLEASE go to your doc

I'm not going to harp on at you when you are distressed. You seemed a bit better during the day so I hope you feel so tomorrow.

When I felt my absolute worst I felt both hideously guilty at how screwed up my life had become alongside massively angry and sad at how UNFAIR it was when little old me had been sooooooo nice to people all along since, well, as long as I could remember.

That combo left me feeling a strong sense of utter pointlessness to my existence.

I am doing a few things differently these days. Still have a wobble here and there but I don't feel pointless every day and I don't feel my love for others is wasted anymore.

Your DD, yep she sounds wicked but I'm sure she feels as much at a loss as to how to change her behaviour as you do in terms of feeling better and less let down.

PurpleOne, I have to go to the baby now. I will see you in the morning. Take care of yourself.
Night night

You need to get your meds changed

I'm taking baby up to bed with me now before the battery runs out on her swingy chair

Hope you get through the night okay.

Just wanted to check in and see how things went with your LL. You know the HA will give him a ring anytime if you are having trouble with him.

Maybe you should see them about council housing. A shitty landlord is the last thing you need right now. Anyway at the very least a cal from the housing liason officer should be enough for now.

I also agree about you getting your meds changed. You shouldn't be feeling this low.

College etc is a good idea, it will give you someting to aim for. Try and sit your dd down and have a chat, calmly. Explain how you feel and give her a chance to talk. It sounds like you both need each other right now.

ow did you do that jasper?

Im talking to a brick wall most of the time.
cmht told the doc not to dish out a months worth of meds as advised by cmht. he still gave themm to me, as an od risk. I'd already been up to a&e by then and they gave me a couple of valium, so I asked the doc for some and he gave me a weeks worth of low dose diazepam too.
I told the Family worker I was suicidal...and she evenntold my ex I wasn't with 'it', yet she pisses off never to be seen again.
Nothing was done about dd1 when she hit me the first time. Open palm and went to hit my arm but she caught my face.
This time she actively was trying to push me down the stairs.

DD1 has youth counselling, I've not even been offered counselling, not cbt, fuck all.I am amazed at the way she treats me yet she gets the help.
Yet divorce 9 yrs ago, and dv 7 years ago and self medicating on weed and now beer...and I can't get nothing.

I often feel like packing a bag and running away if I don't feel like killing myself.

Killing myself seems the easy way out, but it is the only way out. Who the fuck is gonna miss me anyways? I'll have a paupers funeral, exh would pass the kids onto foster care ( cos he siad that before, no matter how ill I was) who gives a fucking shit anyways? But bu God and Godess I will gety my life peace that I so deserved for years.

My ex has to consult with his wife to ask her PERMISSION swo I can go into detox?

What kind of fuckign life is this?

You know shiny I've been on the council list for 8 years, but never knew about a housing liason officer?
Thanks for that. It's the 2nd time this week hes said about charging me, on 2 diff occasions. I though the LL had a mortgage on this place bt they dnt, our house comes with the lease on the shop downsatirs and thats up for renewal next year.
I met the owner of the buildig on weds after LL told me he would charge me.

And to quote the owners words....oh well we can decide next june if we want to get rid of you or not' How reassuring is that? I know I have rent arrears. I know the female LL has a right go at me in the high street in Aug and upset me.

Cos f the arrears, I spoke to my lettings agency and they were fine about me paying back a tenner a week. And now bein asked to pay back charges twice in a week? The lettings agents arent doung their job I know that.
Cos Ive had a leaky roof for years.At worst it/s piled in all over my tv and dvd player and the stain on the ceiling is getting dangeroulsy close to the switch. |And I rang my LL in the shop and all he told me was to put a bucket down???
I've already told them that if the ceiling comes down, I will sue them, it didn't make a difference.

I just soend most of my life pleasing everyone else, and I et not pleasure myself. I go to wetherspoons on a friday,I have no fear on going to a pub by myself....but I notice I'm always sitting alone.

I am always alone.

When I posted my number on the FA thread hat was the first time in weeks my mobby had had a text. My DD2 locked me out of it. I switched it on a week ago, and still no fuckig texts. Apart from the MNers the other day...

I've just read through this thread with horror. Here you are PO with an urgent cry for help and in a situation that sounds like HELL.

You are being abused both verbally and physically by your dd because that is all she knows, it's probably her coping mechanism for her to lash out at you.

The people sent to help you have badly let you down, your domestic situation sounds dreadful and you have the worry of eviction over your head.

Mners are trying to throw you ropes to climb up out of your sea of misery and even though you grab on to the idea of them, you slip back again because your depression has rendered you almost disabled to help yourself. It may be that your medication is wrong for you so I would check it out.

Your loneliness outside of cyberspace is so palpable we can almost feel it sitting here at our computers!

I don't think telling you what to do and what not to do will help right now because if you don't follow up you might feel more of a failure, which is not going to be helpful in aiding your recovery. Giving up is not the answer. But on the other hand you do need to say 'enough's enough, want to start enjoying life again' to start the process.

There is a way out and you can find it. Are you up for it?

As people know a way forward to find satisfaction in life is by being kind and helpful to others (but it sets you back if it is not appreciated)so the idea of volunteering is a good one but only in a situation where you are not likely to get a setback. Helping at a charity shop, chatting to elderly people, or helping at an animal shelter etc might be good choices.

But you won't be able to do that unless you get your immediate situation in better shape. Your environment sounds toxic you need to improve it urgently but cleaning it all is probably way too daunting right now.

A sit down meeting with your dd about working together to improve your homelife, writing down what you can do to improve things, having a tidy up even if it is only one small space at a time.

You need small successes to boost you. Some challenges. Write a small list of what you would like to achieve, time yourself.

I'm going to start the list to set you off.

1. Rid the clutter from the place where you have your computer
2. clean sink
3. give the cat a brush.

If you have achieved these 3 things give yourself a small reward! And choose 3 more for the next day. (May be one challenge per day to start with?)

This helped me, but don't do what I did and write a 25 point list and then get disheartened about doing any of them! Only do one small thing at a time and I challenge you not to get a glimmer of satisfaction.

Good luck! Make sure you include happy things , check the local paper for free workshops, arts and crafts, courses etc.

I will probably get slated for this post but I hope PO you can set yourself a little challenge, no matter how small, it really works for me when I feel so low as I have to force myself when I really rather wouldn't do anything at all.

The initial motivation without willpower is the hardest thing but if you can force yourself to go a little outside your comfort zone, I really feel you will feel better. xx

why will you be slated? you've offered a fair few ideas there barrel.
Right clutter has gone from the pc, and even ashtray is emptied.
Cant clean sink as it means washing up and not got the head for that right now.
The cat? LOL she's out. I found a poxy mouse outside my front door just now, so th cat is off hunting! saw it running and the cat went nuts so had to let her out again!
My list is posting here, then getting to bed as it's so late right now.
Then getting the cat in, then dealing with my lettingagents tomorrow about my tosspot of a landlord.

I agree barrel, baby steps. I couldnt deal with a 25 point list, thats far too much!
If I get the washing up done, and get down the letting agents - am gonna go for a autumn walk around the park with my camera. DD2 loves that, She picks out the bark on trees so I go and photo them.
Not even had the head for that lately. I could go and ask the Turkish shop over the road if I can take pictures of his bowls of fruit? That'l keep me busy too.

Guess I'm just a bit anxious, I should be in bed but I'm not. After gettig off phone to samaritans and finding your post - it's great.
Thankyou.

I had all my pills in here lined up...and I'm still alive for another night and ready for sleep.

THANKYOU xxxx

Going for a walk around the park with your daughter is a lovely thing to do, and something to look forward to. I think Barrels ideas are great to, small steps are always a good thing.

Morning Purple one, I have not got much time this morning to read everything. What do you think of the girls going into care so you can get better?

OMG so happy PO!

Autumn walks are fab!

The most important thing is this is positive and a step out and up!

We all care so much about you, and as my dad would say expect 2 steps forward, 1 step back so you don't get disheartened xx

Barrel you have given wonderful advice.
In the deepest pit of my depression I could only do about one thing a day.

I was fortunate in having a job because although it was a struggle to get out of bed every day my job meant I had to and actually going through the motions at work put me in a sort of numb trance which staved off the total misery awaiting me when I came back home.

The one thing I remember that helped was every night before bed I laid out my clothes for the next day. It was a very small thing but mornings were always really bad for me .

I did this even on non work days and always had a shower and did my hair and put make up on.

About the meds. Your current ones are not working. Depression responds differently to different drugs in different people and it is not unusual to have to try a few different drugs and doses till you get one that works.
Gotta go, dd calling
more later x

Morning Purpleone, how are you doing this morning? Hope you got some rest.