Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

hi purple, missed this last night, how you holding up tonight. Things certainly seem worse atnight when its quiet and you know everyone else is in bed, very loney place hope you got somewhere with ss, I used to be a FSWworker and would have been glad to help you

You posted on one of my other threads Lisa, when SS were about to get involved over a year ago.
Can I ask you a question?

I knew our FSW was pregnant. She was due to leave on mat leave November. She's already left, gone and buggered off.
She didn't even call us up and say goodbye. I know it's just a job to her Is that just normal practice or what? I understand they can't get emotionally involved or anything.
A goodbye would have sufficed - she didn't even think of the families she left behind. The DDs and me didn't always agree with what she had to say....but sometimes it was nice to look forward to the knock on the door, and know that she was listening to us.

We have no other FSW, nobody has been in touch. She told us we would be close to discharge soon, but surely another visit from another FSW or a SW, or a simple phone call to say goodbye? I'm a bit pissed off about that TBH.
Day after day I don't speak to anyone, she did kick some arse, some of it unwarranted too but still she did well.

Purple, how are you doing now?

Purple, you were amazin on that other thread, so supportive, I was going to text but then the thread got removed

You're an amazing person... Is there anything I can do?

Felt supportive last night Imove, but feeling so foolish now.
Why the bloody hell did I do that? Cause I cared.
And now it's all moved into a troll thread.

If that woman and kids had come into my home (theres nothing for her to steal) it would have been lovely. I didn't expect her to turn up, but it would've been great for some company and coffee and we could've sorted it all out in the morning.
Christ, I am gullible.

There's nothing to say she IS a troll. Its just different opinions that is all.

It doesnt take away the fact you tried to help someone in need so please dont dwell on it.

Do you go out during the day when the kids are at school or do you know any of the other mums that you could chat to. When I moved down here I had literally nobody so really empathise with the lonliness you're feeling. I really had to make an effort to chat to people, even just a "hello, hellish weather" would make my day.

Could you join a book group at your local library. They're free and you wouldnt have to discuss anything personal but it would give you some company.

I'm sorry if I'm being naive, I really dont know much about mental health or alcoholism but when I saw you on the other thread it really made me stop and think you are so much stronger than you think you are.

And P.S I wish someone had offered me your generosity when I was in FA's position.

Purple where are you? In the country, I mean.

coditz, Im in NE London, Essex borders.

Sb6699, if someone had offered me that opportunity when I was with ex...I would have run, and suffer consequences afterwards no matter what. I don't go to book group but when DD2 goes dance class, theres bugger all else to do except go to library. I don't talk to anyone in there either...Usualy head for the reading room with either a newspaper or a ton of books off their shelves while DD1 has access to books for her Btec.

Other than that, apart from necessary appts, I don't go out much. Prefer to sleep under the quilt, or hide and watch tv with the cat. If I'm feeling ok and the weather is ok, I'll steal DD1's bike and go to the park for a ride. Or I'll take my camera and photgraph stuff. I love photography but even lost interest in that at the mo.
SS suggested that I do an A level photography at the local adult institute...but ex refused to take the girls for couple of hours (again) yet he's off studying Spanish at the very same place cos he's thinking of emigrating! FFS he can't even take the girls for one night a poxy month overnight. He took them on hol in Aug and that was the first proper time I'd had alone for over 3 years. /

i've had a reply from MNHQ about the girl on the other thread.
They don't have reason to doubt that she was a troll. But to quote their words 'that thread was MN at it's very best'.
With the threads of genuine support, secret santas and stuff that spills out into RL and real friendships are made, thats what MN is all about.

You know I wouldn't give a shit if someone ever called me a troll. I've been here years and never namechanged ( the troll downfall) and take it all on the chin no matter what.

I'm off to bed for now. I said that an hour ago on the other thread which has now been deleted too.

Just feeling very bewildered about everything. Confused and really tired.

Good Morning,
Hi! I think about you every morning before I go to work. Please stay with us, life does change you know. Sounds like you need a little job? What do you think?
What's a troll?
As I said before, I am in west London if you ever need some company. Hugs x

hey purple, your good at remembering
No its not standard practice ime. I would always do a final visit and also introduce new worker where ever possible. I guess she's had some pregnancy complications and might be worth ringing her office to ask when new FSW will be coming.
HTH

Was FA really a troll? Good god..

The college course is a really good idea. Could your older girl not look after the younger one if its only an hour or two - think legally she is old enough but you would have to check that out.

Do you have access arrangements sorted legally with your ex. If not this might be a good time to do it. Then you will know exactly when you are available and could start looking into groups and things that are on when you're definately going to be free.

You also need more sleep girl, you're up even later than me!!!

I had a job flakey. I lost it in April as my client moved away. Just did a little bit of cleaning each week. It was somethig to get out of bed for.
I have been doing a little jobhunting when I felt like it, and with Xmas coming - but unsuccessful. Filled out loads of app forms. Most places can't even be bothered to write an 'unsuccessful applicant' letter.

Imove - nobody knows! MN said there was no reason to doubt BUT she's nowhere to be seen, not replied to any texts AND her voicemail divulged her real name and she had an American accent.

SB - There's nothing legally in place with the ex. It was just a mutual agreement. He has them for 4 or 5 hrs on a Friday and brings them back so damn late, they'd have been better off staying over. SS told him he must have overnight access once a month, but he's not had them since the hol in August. And I always have to keep reminding him, not the other way round. I could rant all day about him so I'll stop now.
I will say one thing about him though. When I took myself up to A&E in August, he SAW how bad I was...and have previous history too. A&E wanted to keep me in, I called him to take the girls overnight, and the bastard said no. I don't think I could ever forgive him for doing that.
He's my only source of support but he's remarried so can't lean on him too much IYSWIM

My landlord has just behaved absolutely appalingly.
He's called my up on mobile, giving me half hours notice to be home for the boiler to be fixed. He also said that if plumber couldn't get access to my home - he would pass his charges onto me!!

I am supposed to be on my way to jobcentre in a min as they are stopping my money. (DD turning 12)
If I go to JC - LL will charge me the plumbers call out fees.
If I don't go - my new claim takes even longer. Then LL wil get even more shitty cos of no rent!

To go or not to go?

He is not allowed to do that PurpleOne. Call your Landlord tell him you have an urgent appointment and cannot be there.

Go to the jobcenter and then call at your local council/HA and ask to speak to their housing liason officer. He/she will be more than happy to give your landlord a ring and explain the correct procedure to him

Good luck at the JC. Why not ask about some training/back to work courses?

Your LL is supposed to give you "reasonable" notice for things like that - clearly half an hour isn't "reasonable".

Agree your housing liaison officer will be able to help if he doesnt listen to you.

Are there any clubs your interested in running on a Friday. Ask next time you're in the library, they normally know about local stuff.

Even if you're not feeling up to do, if you can make yourself go I bet you would come home glad you went.

I'm thinking of doing something at college, maybe starting next year. Its difficult atm as the lo is still at home even though the older 2 are at school and dh works really long hours so I cant really rely on him being home in time for me to committ to attending anything on a regular basis.

At least its giving me something to look forward to.

(if you're on benefits you can get loads of college courses free, could you attend while the girls are at school).

Hi PurpleOne. Just wanted to say re. your reluctance to call the Samaritans again, please don't hesitate because of something they said last time. They are non-judgemental and will always be there for you when you want a bit of human contact, especially at 4 am. That's what they do, because they want to.

Shiny - it's the second time this week he's said that to me about billing me for stuff.
I waited in right til the last minute for this boiler man, so I could eye him up and down...then had to run and leave him here unattended. I was so late for my JC appt - they told me they couldn't see me. My last IS payment is on the 26th..so gonna be another weekend wasted.

Sb - yes I've often thought about doing something like this again. But the ex has done all this before. He did it again tonight. Says he'll be here and turns up an hour late. Keeps saying he's stuck in traffic (yeah, ALL the time) so have asked him to leave a little earlier...he refuses to do that, and keeps me waiting...so I'll end up late. He told me half past 5 tonight, fuckwit never arrived til just past 6.30. Didn't even say sorry.

Had a phone call from my new keyworker at the drug place I go to, so popped in to see her on the way back from JC. Chatted for a while and she instantly suggested a detox programme as an inpatient for 2 weeks.
I'm going to ask the ex about it when he drops the girls back but I know that I'll be wasting my breath...and he will say no.

Just got back from a dinner at Wetherspoons. I dunno, I guess I'm hypervigilant to all that stuff, but I was the only one sitting alone. It's a treat, but I always come out of there feeling worse than when I went in!

Right, that's it.
DD1 has just tried to shove me down the stairs and slapped me. All because I threw the towel over her head as she was coming up the stairs in a joke. But it was ok for her to put a fucking egg in my bed?

I found a huge stash of paracetamols and Neurofen in her room.
I have anti depressants and Valium too.

I spoke to the ex about the detox.
You know the crawler tried to fucking hug me and say 'oh if I wern't married, things would be so much easier?' So if his bullying wife don't want the girls there for 2 weeks, he will say no.

CUNT. He got married KNOWING he had 2 kids he don't wanna take responsibilty for. He don't fucking pay so much for them as he should I've never stopped him seeing the children, money or no money.

I am just about done with all this now.

I've been screaming for help for years. My own mother even pissed off, my gutless dad took her side and left me with no family. My head kills me with these thoughts.
A kid hits me (not the first time) shes pushed the cat out of an upstairs window. My llandlord being totally unreasonable.

Just what is the fucking point anymore?

I was hoping FA was gonaa come here the other day. I could gibve her support and she could gibve me company...but yet again I give out and get fuck all back in return.
I get nothing back. All I do is placate other people, and deal with their endless pisstaking....and I get fuck all back.
I can't do this anymore.

S'cuse the spelling, Im really pissed off and upset. Just thrown a glass out of my bedroom window in rage.
OOppps.

Deep breaths and minute by minute......

Purpleone, I'm so sorry you are going through such an awful time at the moment, that you want help and don't know where to turn.
Please contact the Samaritans, I know that you felt they didn't help before - but talking to someone in RL could be really helpful. You just need to get through the next few hours for now, don't worry about the rest of the shit for now.

Can I send you an unMN

How's the breathing going?

I've been thinking about what you said earlier, about your job and getting out of the house and meeting people. I wonder if you've considered doing some voluntary work? I've had various voluntary roles, but a couple in particular stand out as oppurtunities to get outand meet people. The first was working in an Oxfam shop - the (older) ladies were lovely and took me under their wing. The second was pushing wheelchair users around our local shopping centre, we'd often go for a coffee and chat at the end of the spree.
Do you think anything like that might suit you?