Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

Purpleone, are you there?

If your GP is not helpful and sympathetic you need to change your doctor,

In the last few years I have lost a dear friend and two acquaintences to depression. It is an extremely serious illness but it is treatable. If you are not getting the help you need, change your doctor

Goog morning! Hugs(wink)
What are you doing today? I am on here checking that you got through the night?

What are your daughters doing today? Friends, homework?

I am trying to get to Mass today. I normally go in the week. Ever thought of going to a vibrant Christain Church? Are you religous at all? Maybe it's not your thing?
x

Am here.

My cat has not come home tonight. It's so cold out there and she must be starving.

Good Morning,
I am feeling lazy as usual. We have got a little kitten at nanny's house. It's so crazy that it's cool! It's always on the attack. I think something must of happened to it in a past life! But I think when the kids play with it all the time it gets tired and then dissapears. It's funny.

Good Morning,
I am feeling lazy as usual. We have got a little kitten at nanny's house. It's so crazy that it's cool! It's always on the attack. I think something must of happened to it in a past life! But I think when the kids play with it all the time it gets tired and then dissapears. It's funny.

Had some more bad news today.

I've been turned down for the DASL group. I got to the number of units of drink they required for a referral, then they changed it and I haven't got in.
My old keyworker said I could do with the social aspect of it - and I haven't got it.

It's my DD2's birthday on Wednesday and I haven't bought her a single thing yet. Am supposed to be taking her and friends to cinema on Saturday - not sure if I'm going to have the money. None of the parents have called me to RSVP so got no numbers to call and tell them we might be having a dvd and pizza instead....

Have you seen this. Just thought you might be interested from your earlier post.

PurpleOne you came across as a very caring person on that other thread and I really feel for you in your situation. Baby steps can get you there in the end!

That's what everyone says Dontcomedinewithme....

How am I meant to start taking the baby steps when I'm not even getting any help at all?

Doc doles out the pills, CMHT always blame the drink for the pills not working.
I see a keyworker at RDAS yet he left. Saw new worker last week, said my referral to DASL was unsucessful. Offered an inpatient detox yet ex saud no to taking the girls....
Our FSW has gone too with nothing else.

And I have nobody to confide in, except you guys.

Thanks for the link though, great thread!

Hi Purpleone, have you asked your keyworker how you are meant to go into detox when you are the sole carer of 2 children? Surely you aren't the only person to have come across this obstacle.

Seems so sad that you can't get the help your family needs, because..... your family needs you.

You're welcome PurpleOne - its something I know nothing about but thought of you when I saw it.

I've been a prize lurker since about 2007 and have seen lots of great advice given by some very wise people - so keep posting. We all need somewhere to be heard, no matter what it is that is we have to say.

I can imagine the loss of your FSW feels like a kick in the teeth as you were probably establishing some sort of trust. (As someone mentioned earlier, most likely due to pregnancy issue). Surely they can't just leave you in the lurch and will appoint someone else? Are you able to ask them about it?

I'm sure your DD2 and friends would enjoy dvd and pizza just as much, if not more, as they can have a giggle without disturbing others in the cinema!

I've had someone else weird turn up today and said they were from an energy saving company and wanted to see how energy effiecient our house was. ie double glazing, combi boiler etc...bt I saw his clipboard and he was taking measurements and drawing a floor plan...and when he asked to see my gas and elec meters, I heard a 'click' and sure enough he came out of the cupboard with a camera! He then asked to take photos..

This is the 2nd person this past week to come and take pics. A surveyor and an energy company. He asked what type of lightbulbs we used....surely lightbulbs aren't part of the tenancy anyways? WTF does that matter?
I'm certain the owner is selling up??

Saw the energy man over the road while looking out of the window, and he was taking pics of the whole building! I'm really scared about losing my home now. I'm not even sure if all this photo taking and stuff is part of a statutory lease renewal. I've asked my letting agents and they tell me that it's the first shop lease they've ever done. I have rent debt, I'll lose my deposit and my home.

I don't believe that for a minute they are renewing the shop lease. Hardly ever see anyone in the shop anyways (chav boutique type thing) and a ton of empty shops round here now as leases and rents got too high.

Feel so bloody down. My DD2 birthday tomorrow and am down to my last £80 until next Tues. FFS

Oh, and dontcomedine - STOP lurking!

Good morning,
are you still in touch with Social services? They should be able to give you some adive with the housing situation...You know by law you can not just be put on the streets, you have children under 18. So please try not to worry about this, i know it's hard, been homeless myself. When I say homeless, my baby daughter and I were in a hostel. The thing is you could end up in really nice flat/house through moving.

hugs

I know flakey, I gotta try and think positive...but who on Earth is going to take us on with a previous rent debt?

I'm going to ring SS in a little while and see what the blazes is going on.

Up to my eyeballs in sponge mix, buttercream and Haribos right now...

Hi PurpleOne I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if all this is wrong or has already been covered elsewhere.

I had no idea about any of this, having only seen you reaching out to people and offering warm, wise advice and support. It's shocked me a bit and I'm so pissed off that no one is helping you. It's ridiculous that you are falling through the gaps because you don't meet spurious criteria Is there anyone who can advocate for or with you? Someone needs to start banging on doors and making a sustained fuss because you need support. I understand that you might not feel able to do that right now, hence suggesting an advocate.

Re. your housing and rent arrears situation, I'm sure it's already been suggested x 100 but go to the CAB. I know they often have long waiting lists etc. but make that fuss, you need this sorting out now. Do you have a contract with your landlord?

My mum killed herself when I was 14. It has blighted my life and always will do. My son is growing up without his grandmother; I have struggled to find my own way through the world without her, as did my brother before his untimely death two years ago. My whole family has been poisoned by her act. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty about having these feelings - it must be so hard to deal with and I won't pretend I know how you feel - but it's important to me to put across the other side of it.

I was a cow to her too btw, because I was going through puberty. Not because I didn't love her. I adored her and I miss her every day. There were many years of regrets at all the things I never got to say (or unsay).

Abandons lurking position yet again to check whether you need me to dial 999, as surely you can't breathe with Haribos and buttercream up your nose?

Ring SS when you get out of the cake mix!

Sweet,

Sorry, I haven't been around much for you in the last week,am dealing with my own demons atm...Treacle and wading...

You know where I be though

PO, have read all of your thread and your last couple of posts have made me think. To sell a house now you have to have a Home Information Pack in place before it can be put on the market, this includes things like how energy efficient a home is. I really don't want to add any more worry to you, but is that why the surveyor and the energy man has been around? Is there anyway you can contact your landlord?

Really am sorry to tell you this.

Hope your daughters birthday cake turns out as you want it to, buttercream and Haribos, sounds good to me, I love to make my daughters birthday cakes

Hi purpleone, Well, someone will have to take you on. Anyone can get into a bad situation. So you can move, fresh start, and if your landlord insists continue to pay off your debt in small amounts. Then you can pay a bit more when you are better and have an income.

In my experience, the more you need help, the less help you get. I have no idea why? You really have to help yourself...I think the 'welfare state' is a bit of an illusion of days gone past. So if you can try to think of the things that make you feel better, like...

drink less as the drink is probabley adding to your depression, read if you enjoy reading, watch comedies...Do you have any friends, Purpleone?

hugs

no rl friends

and i've well and truly cocked up the whole of dd2's party for saturday... ffs
completely and truly fucked it all up for her.

Morning,
ummmm? So what's going on with the party? I feel your girls are old enough to have a bit of understanding for your situation. If I was closer I would help you out...Just take a few of them to the cinema or something...around lunchtime it's expensive, but not as pricey as in the evening.
I am sorry to here you don't have friends at the moment. I was like that for a long time. You know, it was just work and home, no one to spend my free time with. Had some nice boyfriends though, but girlfriends are needed too.
I am feeling lazy as usual! but got to shake a leg and get my ass to work! You know, Christmas is coming, I love Christmas, maybe I can help you prepare for that? (I'm good at burgin hunting, and work in retail) Let me know.
Hugs

already cancelled the cinema knowing i wouldn't have the money...so decided on pizza and dvd.
the dvd is no problem, but haven't got any food in.
cashpoint says i have £9.65 and i don't get paid til monday. no food at home, emergency elec on, gas ran out this morning

going to see if i can ponce a few quid from the ex.

don't even mention the 'c' word yet - am dreading it. hard enough with no family but doubly hard this year as first one without any kind of job. badly need some kind of job but not holding out much hope for that at the moment.

DD1 took the liberty of asking the exh for a few quid. I never asked her to do it.She did it off her own back, I was gonna ask him tomorrow...
Exh yelled at her and sent her a few nasty texts which I have read. he then put the phone down on her, yelling at her to 'stop taking the fucking piss and to shut the fuck up'???
Saying that mummy is taking the piss out of him, taking him for granted and his wife thinks I'm trying to wreck his marriage. Says hes skint...he don't celebrate xmas of birthdays as is JW....couldn't lend me a tenner, he aint bloody skint as he's booked his 5th trip back to the Maldives in January.
And that he's not going to get involved anymore and that mummy shouldn't be confiding in him? And he's sick of hearing about it. He also said in his novel sized text that Donna doesn't want the children there for 2 weeks while I go into detox? Thanks for that.

I have nobody else to confide in. Maybe I am using the wrong person but as thw kids father, he has a right to know surely? he is the only person I have left to remotely lean oon, and he's thrown it all back in my face. AAll for the sake of asking him for DD1 asking him on my behalf for extra tenner tomorro so we could get some value stuff for her party.
Keeps ragging on about his parental reponsibility but does fuck all except waffle hot air.
Been kicked in the teeth. I can't go on like this.

Hello Purpleone, Where are your relatives? You need some support from family and friends.

Gosh, let me tell you I was feeling well off key yesterday...I've got an urge to live abroad, but of course no money to do anything about it. I was feeling so sad and waded through the day.
My daughter is complaining of tummy ache, but I need her to go to school so I can get to work.

Can you go to get a Crisis loan for the weekend so you can get some food in? You go to job centre plus.

I have no relatives, no family, no siblings and no friends. Do you beleive me when I say that there really is nobody, except me and the children?

The only people I communicate with are in cyberworld. People so close, but you still can't hold them in RL.

I understand about the urge to live abroad. The days when I'm really struggling, I feel like packing a bag and doing a runner in the middle of the night...but there's nowhere to run to...

PurpleOne I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time and that RL support doesn't seem to be there for you.

Could your DD's friends come round just for dvd - after lunch and go home before tea? I know you want to do more but good friends just enjoy each others company don't they?

If you don't mind me saying, your ex sounds like a real charmer!