Thinking about suicide, come talk to me

[PurpleOne]

How do you know if it's your time to go??

Cause I'm sick and tired of living this lonely life, Unproductive, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary...
Parents fecked me off. My ex best mate couldnt give a toss.I have tried to apologise many times, even though it wasn't my fault.

All there is left is me, my kids and the beloved cat. I have no RL emotional or physical interaction.

Then I get pissed at night to make me 'feel' something......then I cry so much.
Most of the day I spend looking out of my window, onto the high street. Just a fface in the glass whom nobody looks at. Gaunt and a drunkard.

I've attempted three times before. I'm 7 years clean. Please talk me out of it because I know I can do it again.
My DD1 dragged me out of a cupboard aged 6 when I was out of it on Zopiclone, Venlafaxine and 3 bottles of wine. That was 7 years ago.

I can't do this anymore. I've cut my hair, shaved it all off. My house is a total shit tip...and theres fuck all interaction with humans. Nobody gives a shit....so why should I carry on?

Hey Purple (it's teasle).

I was thinking about you today, havn't heard from you in a few days, was worried. Just came upon this thread.

I would give you a big hug if I lived nearer. x

Hi, Yes I do believe you when you say it's just you and the kids. What happened? (Maybe it's too personal?)
ummmm?...I have just been thinking about your problem whilst cooking pancakes with the little one, and alarm bells rang when you explained how alone you are. I have known this feeling in the past, it's very bad,- but have since reconnected with family members.
I understand why you talk to your ex even tough he is horrible.

Where abouts do you live? Near essex? I could make a day-trip of it, visit you, clean up, eat, whatever? My DD could spend the day with her nan or something. It's okay if you don't want to, we will keep on talking, okay?

Did you get a crisis loan today?

I've managed to get a couple of bits. One of those huge 'value' pizzas for 49p, a pack of value caramel wafers, and a bottle of value cola.
Raided the cupboards and fridge. So far, we have ham and tomato sandwiches, strawb jelly with peaches...and a tin of custard for on top. Going to raid the copper jar for a quid or so for a big bag of value crisps/snacks. There's only a couple of kids coming. But DD" has learning difficulties and I so don't want to embarrass her in front of her new friends. (they're both boys btw)

It's a very long story about the family so I won't post about it here, I'll post a sep post about that later...but it was so trivial and pathetic. I'd understand if we'd had a huge row but we didn't. And my father sided with my mum, even though she was in the wrong.
My dad sent DD2 a birthday card, and my miserable mother couldn't even sign her name on it. If it was left to my mum, DD2 wouldn't of had a card off them at all!!

Exh has been to pick the girls up. Think he wanted to have a row so just told him to leave. He did say his wife is getting very pissed off with all the help that I need and exh did say I am wrecking his marriage?? Pour some more guilt on it, I don't mind really. His marriage can't be all that secure if she's getting pissy cos I asked for a tenner for his daughters party FFS. But he's all I have. I already know I try not to ask for much, I would ask for more but I don't. I could ask him for more money cos he's ripping me off blind with maintenance - but at least I get something. IYSWIM?
Do you live in Essex flakey? I live there too, but the London side.

Hi to Teasle. Been lying low for a bit after what I wrote on FB the other night. I'll be posting again very soon xxx Please send my love to the others too xxx. I'll be back later on...got a ton of cleaning up to do...

Just fighting to stay alive ruby. Every day I post here is an achievement. Every day that I get out of bed, and every day that I manage to cook a meal for the DD's is all that matters.

PO - I'm in north Essex. I suffer from depression as well and have done all my adult life. What time is your DD's party. I would love to come to you and slip you 20 quid. How near are you to the M25 (DH away at the min so can't travel too far with the DCs!!).

I mean tomorrow obviously not tonight!!

I'm about 8 miles from the M25. We're just outside Gants Hill.
You really don't need to do that big momma althought it's very kind of you. UNMN'y

DD2's party starts at 5pm. Have gathered up a few things and might take them down the pawn shop in the morning.

Hi Purpleone, No I am not in Essex, I live in west London. That's why if I came to see you it would take the whole day.
Your parents seem very hard. What's that about?

BigMomma3 was talking about depression, and I am sitting here trying to remember mine. I remember nothing gave me pleasure...nothing. I just wanted to leave this human life and return to be loved with my father in heaven. Life was a daily struggle. But let me tell you things have a way of changing! look at how many people care about you here.

I am glad to hear the girl's father came to pick them up, and that you have got some pizza!

hugs

PO - Just tried to subscribe to CAT so you could contact me off forum as I really, really wanted to do that for you. Just seen that they process the subscriptions during office hours only so won't be able to set it up now . Feel pretty shite now. I have been where you are with not enough spare cash for the DC's birthdays and I really wanted to help. So sorry.

Kids will not notice whether it is Dominos or Value pizza anyway . Hope you can forget your problems for a few hours and have a good time with your DD at her party.

PO, hi it's oneplusone from the stately homes threads so I know a bit about your family story. Am so sorry you are feeling so low. Are there any mums at your DC's school that you are at all close to or at least quite friendly with? Could you talk to one of them about how you are feeling? I really understand about feeling like you have no emotional connection with anybody in RL, I have felt like that too sometimes. Totally alone and isolated. I have found that forcing myself to open up to people helps me feel a bit of a connection. It is hard to do but once you have done it once it gets easier.

Please keep posting, we're all here for you. x

Hi PurpleOne

Saw you contacted the Samaritans. That's a huge leap! Were they helpful?

The list thing sounds positive too. Are you sticking to that? All those little baby steps will soon start to pay off.

Have you contacted your GP about your meds?

Sorry all those questions are like a quick-fire round, dont mean to be so forward.

If it does turn out that energy guy is there about a HIP, might be a good idea to contact CAB/Housing Association sooner rather than later so at least you are prepared. You never know, you might end up somewhere better. My friend thought her world had fell apart when she ended up in a hostel but you should see the house she ended up with - like a bloody palace

Sounds like you're all sorted for the party, glad about that. Hope you all have a fab day.

bigmomma - really, don't worry about it, thankyou for being so generous

spoke to exh when he dropped DD1 back, DD2 is sleeping over...
He says his mortgage is 3 months behind. I can't see how his mortgage on a 3 bed ex council flat is nearly 1.2k a month?? Must've been all them exotic holidays he's taken...off to the Maldives in January for the nth time again. Only got back from Iceland in August. He's got 2 cars and a cab. So I told him to sell the cars (wish I had some assets to sell) and he said 'are you being funny?'
Says his wife has been screaming at him because of me? It's ok Steve, I don't want whats in your pants, you can reassure her of that FFS. As soon as I ask him for help, she always kicks off. It's as if we don't exist.
So in the end I just told him not to fucking bother anymore.
It's like nobody in rl gives a fucking toss.

I'm very close to tears right now as I have just noticed that DD1 has burnt a hole in my cider bottle with the stick of incence earlier....there is a massive puddle on my laptop now...and it's heading towards my camera too.cant evem have anythigh deceny itmakedmesick

Yes, it is really funny when people claim to be poor but have lots of assests. Maybe it's all on credit tough?

Men are good at pretending their family's do not exsist. It is like they want to remain kids forever, you know, the easy life.

Hope you have a good day today. You are not alone, we are all here for you.

The party went ok and BOYS turned up. They looked a bit bored after a while so took them down the park while there was a break in the rain.
Had a lot on my mind today as DD1 woke up in the night crying her eyes out, so I asked her what was bothering her.
And in DD1s words, she said that 'daddy was watching a music video on myspace and his wife tried to make a joke and daddy laughed. then his wife said it was a subliminal message for your daughter to go fuck yourself'?

DD1 been in a mood all damn day but she perked up a bit when DD2s mates arrived. She lost her temper earlier and threw a breaded cheese ball at me and has hit me square in the eye though. Fecking thing came out of nowhere and my eye really hurts and leaks tears. it's bloodshot and swollen now.I think she's scratched my cornea but no opticians open tomorrow.

Have had the laptop in bits drying out today too.
there's also a wee bit of food left over so we can have a snack dinner tomorrow. Nobody ate the jelly so we can have jelly, peaches and Carnation.

I gotta go to bed now, my eye is really sore and hurting.

Flakey, if you give me your approx location, I could meet you halfway. Even for coffee would be fab! Let me know xx

Morning,
Your ex and his wife sound really bad. Was he like that when he was with you all? It seems like your daughter would be better off spending day/night with a good friend(her best friend), is that possible? You know, when you need a break.
Do you like Chinese food? I love it! I could treat you. Can you get to Lescieter square, Piccadilly line? Wednesday...I know a place that does great food but is very cheap. Then if you like pyschic/spiritual things, there are a couple of shops we can go and look in. Let me know. And there is all sorts of street performers in Covent garden...You got to wrap up warm.
Make sure you get your eye checked out tomorrow. If it's really bad today, suppose you could go to hospital.

Glad the party went well PO.

Your ex and his wife are a pair of fuckwits - it sounds as if you're better off without. Sorry if that sounds patronising (have been a lone parent myself btw) but honestly, letting his wife make a comment like that

If your local hospital has an eye unit, they will be able to see without an appointment if you need it.

Hope you're feeling better today

flakey, not sure if I can make this Weds, but the week after when the DCs are back at school would be fab. We can go to Mysteries and I love chinese food too. Covent Garden sounds fab too. And then we could make a short walk down to Trafalgar Square if you're up for walking??
Just a short tube ride down on Central line for me, I'll walk there from Holborn.

sb - he's let her get away with a whole lot more than just stupid comments that upset the kids. DD2s birthday in 2007 she strode into my home and grabbed hold of DD1 (i front of DD2 mates) in MY kitchen and started shaking her about. So I told her to let go, and she did...DD1 fell to the lino and grazed all her back on the kitchen cabinets...that's why me and his wife don't talk anymore. That bitch lost control in my home and ruined DD2s birthday and the ex never stuck up for me once. After all the abuse i went through in a previous relationship, he never stuck up for me, yet he KNEW I was in the right when I said about partners hitting kids. (DD2 got slapped by my ex partner, he left bruising)
I rang my parents the day he hit my kid...they even said they didn't want to know.

Ack, it's such a long story and I should be getting to bed now. Eye is much better. Have been glued to Most Haunted Live on the telly tonight...

Morning Purpleone,
I am having a cup of tea and playing Micheal Jackson's old stuff. I love Micheal.

I am sorry you can't make it Wednesday, it's my day off, then I work Saturday. The following Wednesday I will be working.
So you know about Mystreries, cool. Do you have any cards? I don't like Tarot (bad experience)...but I have some Angle cards.

There are some reiki-candles I want to show you, have you tried them?

Catch you later. Hugs

Got an appt at CMHT on Weds. Though, next time you are on a day off, gimme a shout and we'll do it.
I had reiki a few years ago and nearly fell asleep - it was so relaxing! I have tarot, angel and goddess oracle cards. Our local esoterical shop closed down last year - pretty gutted about that.

Gotta dash for now and check my bank account. Was down to my last £5 yesterday

okay. I am so tired now. Little one has been dominating the Tv tonight, so have to catch me 'Flashforward' on the repeat.
goodnight

Good Morning, How are you today? I hope your meeting today is fruitful.

I have just had a little tidy up of the flat, sort out DD, and will be heading down to central London.

Hugs

So tired here but can't sleep.
Everyone's gone and been replaced.
FW gone, keyworker gone. Now have been passed over to new consultant at CMHT.

repeat life story ad infinitum ffs

They've upped my dose so now going to take 40mg. No script at the docs. And not looking forward to another 2 weeks of feeling shit. I know it's not a miracle cure, but I do know that if I miss a dose, it's like I'm standing on a live wire, with electric shock and brain zaps going throught my body every time I move.

the only thing good happening this week is taking my dd2 to halloween fireworks on saturday.
Been glued to most haunted live all week, so not posted much.
Both dcs are arguing, kicking and screaming at each other and I've not tidied up at all and not washed up since Sunday.

Gawd, bedtime now.

Hi Purpleone,
I was told by my CMHT that changes all the time is something I would have to get use to. Not to expect contienuety of care! So there you go. I decided some months ago only to deal with my GP, as I can't be bothered with all the changing faces at CMHT. Thank God I don't need them now-a-days.

We (DD and I) had a nice time on Wednesday. Hopefully you can make it next time.