going to have a 'good' week

[Sax]

Hope to be around a bit this week but on the onwards and upwards line not the low and sad one. Decided to take a positive attitude starting now and hope not to disappoint myself. i should be here if anyone needs an ear! Have a good week everyone......

Dh remains stressed and we argue every day because of it! i think we are just on different wave lengths at the mo. He seems very irritated by me.......but then I'm irritated by me too.

The Ads have at least made me calmer, less anxious all the time, less panicy and desperate feeling! So yes I suppose they are working, however its not nice to then not feel anything! sort of numb!

Sax - I know you won't tell your DH about the AD's, but could you at least tell him that his stress is having a profound effect on you..... and that HE has to find a way to deal with his stress for the sake of the whole family??

Afterall, you're depressed becasue of him! And the children must notice the tension between you. He really should be taking more responsibility for his behaviour and the effect it has on the people around him.

You are doing everything YOU can to make a difference, but whats the point if his stress is going to keep tensions high and therefore you miserable.

I am not depressed because of him - its my problem of not coping with the added pressures in our lives. Its just having a knock-on effect by us having arguments. i need to motivate myself to do my jobs that i need to do and that will clear away some of the pressures - I think!

Okay... so it's not entirely his fault, but he is a MAJOR factor in the added stress at the moment is he not?

You must give him the opportunity to fix things and make all your lives happier. If hge doesn't know how can he help make a difference? Its not all down to you Sax.... it really isn't.

but - telling him is not an option, seriously I CANNOT therefore I just need to be less sparky and the arguments won't occur - I just find it hard to motivate him to do jobs that need doing, he then thinks I'm nagging him, which i don't have a right to do when I'm not doing half the things that I should - shit this is just waffle, sorry

problem number 1 identified - my expectations of others are too high!

answer - don't expect of others what you can't do yourself!!! LOL

I really don't know how you expect to just suddenly be able to NOT argue with someone. I tihnk my DH would be horrified if I hadn't told him about how depressed I was.... and he's not exactly a communicator.

I would love to believe that you can fix this by yourself, but this is a marriage that isn't a happy one.... and it takes 2 to make it happy. When one party just decided to not argue anymore.... that doesn't result in everyone being happier.

I don't seem to understand what you are trying to do I suppose.

whoops - have I missed the point somewhat - you are getting cross with me now aren't you?

Nor do I queenflounce, I'm very confused too!

OK I am going to try a little harder here:

I am feeling all my confidence has gone - that I am not able to sort out the boys efficiently and effectively - that I am not coping with the dx of my asd son because to cope with it you have to accept it and not sure I have - that I am not wanting to go back to work, but I have to so need to pull my finger out and ring up! Oh god I could go on and its really boring shit.

Sax - You are definitely putting too much pressure on yourself. Efficient and Effective arent' words I would use to describe me on one of my BESTEST EVER days!!! But they are fed.... water.... dressed (sometimes not til midday, but who cares)...and happy.

Your son's diagnosis is a big deal and it's still very recent. I don't have much experience of this, but if you look on the Special Needs section there will no doubt be loads of MN'ers who will tell you that it will take a while to sink in.

Going back to work is horrible.... I felt sick when my Mat Pay stopped and I had to go back to my job. Only 4 days a week, but hate it. That was 5 months ago and I still hate it, but have no choice.

I don't think you have to lower the expectations you have of other people, perhaps RAISE the expectations of your DH.... and lower the ones you have for yourself. Deal with on ething at a time.

When do you really have to return to work.... when is the deadline?

Right, here we go again - ds2 just turned the pc off so he's now on the naughty step (trying this out)! Started to get a bit stressed becasue ds3 screaming as he's got a cold, ds2 playing up and ds1 bored but will be going to nursery soon, thank god.

Anyways, I was saying...........I have to motivate myself to go back to work - its bank work so up to me but we plunge further and further into debt all the time i'm not working.

dh is brilliant with the boys a lot of the time. I am very lucky some people don't have dh or dp therefore cope on their own, i do have help but sometimes we have a difference of opinion on how we should speak to them and when each other deals with them. This is inevitable with any relationship and having children. Ds1 can be very difficult at times and I believe he's easier in a calm atmosphere which isn't of course always portraid.

I need to have more faith in myself I know. I do sort the boys out, they are fed, dressed and played with (albeit not enough) but its me that isn't always!!! Thats just a motivation issue.

gosh, how am I doing - you are good to spend time listening

Sax - You can't just think that you mustn't complain as people cope all the time with just one parent! Thats not you though.... and you're NOT a single parent.
There are plenty of situations that you could look at like that....
I was nearly raped when I was 19, I didn't cope very well afterwards. Women in some provinces of Africa are brutally raped daily and watch their children be abused, but they appear to cope and get on with it.

Please stop comparing your life to those worse off. There will always be someone in a worse position than you, but doesn't mean you have no right to complain or find it stressful.

You say they don't get played with enough..... who says??? You??? Thats you judging yourself again.

sorry - i do judge myself becasue I am too analytical and too hard on myself! Thats it isn't it - self confidence in the gutter means you do compare yourself to others. I don't want to be reliant on anti depressants, I want to be able to live my life without feeling like i'm not doing enough or not doing a good enough job. Its just quite hard to get my head round. I'll get there - have I actually opened up a bit? I get low when I feel I've not achieved enough, I get low when the boys play up and I start panicing that i don't know how to keep calm, I get low when I let others down.

I guess I just need to learn not to take quite so much on!

Dear Sax, I'm new to MN and have been looking at a few threads.....basically I was drawn to this one as the subject pretty much sums up how I'm feeling just now. I don't want to gatecrash your thread but I just wanted to say that reading some of what you say is like looking at the thoughts that are in my own head in black and white - so you are not alone in how you are feeling. I haven't plucked up the courage to see my HV or GP yet but am slowly coming to the conclusion that I have to...... I'm not much of a talker either and am dreading having to make the appt, don't even know if I want to go down the AD route (slippery slope?).
Anyway, like you I try to see the positive and give myself a proverbial kick up the backside on a daily basis so I'll see how I go this week. I just felt I had to say 'hello' to you and I hope you have a good week - I'd really like to know how you get on with the ADs and I'll keep checking the thread if that's OK?

Hi babynovice and thank you for your input - I couldn't actually make the gp appointment and ended up having a 'desperate' day and wrote it all down in a letter, dropped it to the surgery - nearly retreived it numerous times but then the dr rang me and told me to make an appointment without the boys and go in and see her. I clammed up and got all sweaty but she drew a lot out becasue she had a starting block with having read my letter. I also told her NO to anti Ds but she basically felt it was for the best.

Its a horrible desperate feeling and one which I am grateful the tablets have got rid of for now. I am calmer and less panicy. Just trying to get my head round the fact that I am so called suffering from clinical depression, on anti Ds and cant and won't tell anyone - except of course on here.

Well done for posting - do you think you could write it down how you feel or do you think if you go to the appointment at gp that you could talk to them?!

Hi Babynovice. Great advice Sax about writing it down! It is very hard when you have to admit it to yourself.

But once you feel that element of control coming back it is SO liberating to talk about.

Whatever help you need to get there, AD's, counselling, support groups, or homeopathic remedies..... doesn't matter. Just do whatever you need to do to get there.

I was recommended Homeopathy.... worked wonders for me.

I think I could probably write it down but somehow, especially when I'm having a 'not so bad day' it feels quite surreal when I think too deeply about what I'm feeling.....it's almost like I'm talking about someone else. Bit strange?! I've not really got a brilliant relationship with my HV and I seem to see a different GP every time I go so I think I would feel silly about letting a stranger see what I've written. Think best plan would be to get an appt on a good day when I can keep it together otherwise I would just clam up and physically would not be able to speak - could be quite embarrassing!
Thanks for replying, i hope to catch you later - dd has woken from nap and that will be her crawling around and into everything for the rest of the day! Have a good one

Babynovice - I didn't go to the GP until I was half way to recovery! I'd been suffering with PND for 18mths, since the birth of my ds. I was suicidal at times, but couldn't admit it to anyone except DH. He had to know coz I had to scream to the phone for him to come home when I was really bad.... I was so scared of my own thoughts and feelings.
I wish I had gone sooner and then perhaps I'd have remembered some of my ds's early months.

Its okay if it feels like you're talking about someone else. I still feel that way.

Gosh me too - its like you are looking at your life through someone elses eyes. I didn't know my gp apart from one appoint before - I wrote that she was about the only person if i was to speak to that I would. Make the appointment because you don't have to just have anti Ds, I was also offered counselling but have refused becasue of my inability to talk - however - I think the appointment was my first admission to realising I was too low to help myself!!!!

i've taken your advice queenflounce and posted in special needs about ds1 so at least I CAN try to get my head round this - one thing at a time eh! however the difficulty is I want to sort everything right now and not have all these issues going on! I find I am on here escaping what I should be doing, is this therapy or just avoiding stuff I know you'll say therapy! Hey ho! thank you for your advice you are very logical and wise, thank you.

Excellent Sax - Being armed with knowledge is a wonderful thing. Knowing about his condition willsurely give you an element of control back.

Have you thought about homeopathy??? Try Sepia. I don't care if it just worked psychologically or what.... but it worked for me!!

lol at logical and wise!

I'm an Aquarius don't you know!!!