Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

ADQ thanks for the comment you wrote to me in November. I didnt see the thread for a long time. Im glad i was able to help you through a really bad time....and im still here if you need to talk.

How has everyones Christmas been?

I've had a nice time relaxing and not doing very much.

Christmas day was busy with all of us plus 3 guests.

Talk soon

adq

had a lovely xmas thanks ADQ....DS1 came home from uni....his girlfriend came to stay on xmas night(they have been going out for nearly a year) chidrens dad always comes for xmas but because the weather was so bad he came on xmas eve.
Just wish someone would give me a hand in the kitchen tho...feel as tho ive been cooking 4 ever.
Glad you had a relaxing xmas...sounds as tho you needed it.

Know what you mean about cooking!

We've had one day to ourselves.

trying to be more positive this year...........

Today, I feel like the mother from hell.

I have been moaning at the children to tidy up their stuff. I just want to get organised before going back to work tomorrow and wish they would help. I've had huge fights with Dh about everyone helping me to the point that DD said, just get a divorce if you don;t love each other any more.

I want this year to be the year I am less angry ( or get angry at the abusers, the real culprits.

I just want to be content.

ADQ

I hope you are feeling better today, ADQ. You sound like a very normal family under pressure.

We spent Christmas with my parents and everything went as well as it could (nobody got cross). I drank far too much and started feeling like an alcoholic in an awful smothering duvet of wine. So far this year, I haven't had a drop, and I'm feeling a bit better for it, although I am having a lot of nightmares, which is probably more likely to be because I have forgotten to take off my nicotine patches.

I would like to be content too. I would like to spend a lot less time diddling about and a lot more time doing things that make me feel better. Work is quite difficult and I am so out of the loop. Bugger silly me.

Lets do it together SC.

I have been quite focussed on achieving things around the house. I've decided that a lot of my stress is caused by the chaos and nothing having a place SO

I've been sorting out room by room with a place for everything, then I can train the kids (but mostly DH) to put things away.

I am determined to be more organised and think starting with my environment will be a big help.

So join in if you want to......

Oooh yes please! We have to move house very soon as our house leaks like a sieve and it's going mouldy (literally). The council housing standards are coming to have a look this week. A v. nice house up the road is coming up for rent, but I don't expect we will be able to afford it. It's a bloody nuiscance. Bugger.

I've got lots of things to do this year, from getting my sewing better to applying for an MA, and becoming self-employed. It's quite a lot, but all doable, and I'm a lazy sod, or have other things to think about.

Go for it.

It sounds great. I run my own business and don;t have to answer to anyone, except paying people on time!.

Sounds like there is a lot to look forward to for you.

Tonight I am gutted, hurt and feel a complete failure.

My DD is embarassed to be seen with me because I am 'fat'.

I know I comfort eat and cannot deal with the effects of the abuse - but I never expected this.

On one hand I am glad she feels able to tell me things (good or bad), but it has left me feeling a complete failure as a mother and role model.

You are NOT a failure in either respect! You are blaming yourself for things you could do nothing about. I'm sure you've said how old your dd is. I think children often pick up on our vulnerabilities, and cannot understand why we would want to hurt ourselves.

Eating or not eating is often a sign of depression. When I have been clinically depressed, I have been unable to eat at all, but it can go either way.

On the plus side (being facetious), if you are embarrassing your kids, you are well along the right path! Get some silly clothes on! Join a pop band! Pick your nose in public!

I am soo glad Christmas is over. I was really beginning to feel like an alcoholic and it was grinding me down badly. I'm not doing so well at the teetotalism, but feel much more normal. I hope you are feeling better today. We have to live in our bodies, whatever shape or size they are, and everything becomes hopeless if we think our bodies are no good. I do like Gok! He's so feelgood about nakedness!

thanks SC

I am reeling between being pleased she felt secure enough to tell me something that is hard to tell and whether I should tell her off for being insensitive. She will be 13 in JUly.

I would desperately love to lose weight but just don;t do it.

Oooh, hormone parties! You could tell her that it's pretty rude to mention people's size to them, whatever shape they are.

For goodness sake, don't make an issue of losing weight. It doesn't work. Other things need to change, so that food becomes smaller. I have been at times at the other end, and far too thin. No amount of food would make me bigger. Life has changed quite a bit and so has my shape. It's not so bad, because unless you have a shape, you can't wear a corset!

I have done no work of my own for bloody ages. I draw nicely, and I write adequately. Both need a lot more practice before I can approach anyone who will pay me for either. I am also quite lazy and feel as guilty as hell for not doing these things.

My ability to have any sense of value was stripped away from me a long time ago, and it's a big thing for me. It's not good to feel completely without any material value. Dammit I could have been a prostitute and felt better about myself than I sometimes do.

She wouldn't dream of doing it to any one else, but she told me that I had told her that I no matter what, I wanted her to be able to be honest with me, whatever it was about.

I have to stand by that.

I am trying really hard to work on looking after and being nice to myself. Maybe if I can do that I will have more respect for me and the eating healthily will follow.

This is the THIRD time I've tried to post a message since Thurs. Yes, you are right about the self-respect and the food thing. I think these changes are incremental, like so many things.

Are you able to talk with your dd about what happened to you? I think about it sometimes, and I have no idea what I'd say.

Difficult one that.

She's only 12 and don;t think could understand the emotional trauma. I will tell her when shes a bit older and more ready to deal with it.

Last night all 3 of them (aged 9-12) were talking about what child abuse was and understand on a practical level but not emotionally.

I was talking to a friend about my siblings, because another friend is getting fed-up with my brother. I said that with abuse, it is a bit like being unable to see the blackboard in the classroom, because of short sight. Everyone else gets cross and thinks your're stupid because you can't do what they can easily do, and don't understand why you can't. Both me and my siblings have the most appalling crushing lack of confidence. It's crap. I am sick to death of well meaning people saying 'Why don't you...' 'You're so good at....', and 'But people want to know you..' All these things are completely contrarary to what I have learned in my life, and I still struggle to allow myself a way to live. I guess that most people aren't told that they're completely worthless and uglier than anything alive again and again and again, until they have no choice but to believe it.

Sorry, rant over!

Don;t minimise the anger at this. I've been throught this recently with someone who kept telling me that being embarassed was a choice and just choose not to feel it!

Few people unless they've been there understand the process of repairing the sort of damage you have been through

BUT it can be repared, with help, hope and relying on people who do understand.

I 'm just coming to teh end of a book called trauma and recovery by Judith Herman which describes it well and the recovery of it.

I have a nother book I haven;t read yet but I'll let you know how that goes.

Don;t let people make you feel bad by their crass comments.

Post here. We understand.

Thank you ADQ! Yes, things do and can change. If we couldn't do anything about our circumstances, I think suicide would be very very popular. I went out last night with some writers. It was so good to get out of the house and talk to different people in RL!

Great. Now do it some more!!...

Hi,

I'm new to MN and I hope you don't mind me jumping on the bandwagon, I just think it might help to talk to someone who understands. I was sexually abused by my mums partner from the ages of 8-15. My brother and I lived with our mum when our parents seperated, which was when the abuse started. We then moved to live with our dad, because of this, but no-one else knew at the time. Mum then moved away with her partner but we still saw her every other weekend.
Our dad died in a motorbike accident when I was 12 and we went to live with our grandparents. 2 weeks later I started my periods, my abuser said he would stop 'cuddling me' as he put it but it still continued. It took until I was 15 to actually tell a friend, who told her mum, then the police were involved.
My abuser was arrested and released on bail awaiting trial. A week before the trial was due to start he skipped bail and left the country... never to be heard of again.

Until May last year. It was 2 weeks after I had married my husband. The original investigating officer turned up on my doorstep, he had been arrested at Gatwick airport. I now have 2 children, a 3 year old and a 2 year old, plus my husband. I had to decide whether to go to trial and drag my family, plus now my husbands family through the ordeal with me. My only thought was that its too late for me, but I may be able to help protect other children (only a mum can think that!). The trial was in August last year and lasted a week. Facing him in court and being called a liar was the worst thing I have ever been through (well, apart from the abuse). He was found unanimously guilty and sentenced to 4 1/2 years in prison. Probation officers have told me he'll probably be out in 2 years.

Everyone now thinks that its over, I should just forget and move on with my life. Except I can't. Every day is becoming more difficult, I have no-one to talk to. My husband, as loving as he is, just doesn't understand and I wouldn't want him to know the details anyway. I have just given my notice in at my part-time job because I just can't cope with it anymore. This has of course caused friction at home. I've spoken to my doctor about the way I feel, he has given me the details of our local Womens Crisis centre. They offer 6 free sessions of counselling, but there is a large waiting list. Just to talk to people who understand and won't judge me will be a huge help

Thank you,

MrsM

I have spoken to the people at NAPAC, who are very kind and helpful. Womens Aid have been a useful source of information as well. There are links on I think both websites for local councelling services which deal with abuse. It is sometimes hard to believe that people behave in such appalling ways.

You have been very brave MrsM to see the trial through to the end.

It is not surprising that this still haunts you. You have done a very brave thing and it will take some time to get over it and process the emotions.

There may be further difficulties or even ptsd and you will need counselling from people who understand abuse trauma.

Well done for what you did. I am just in the process of deciding whether to give the names of my abusers to my therapist so she can notify the police. I think I'm going to.

Please keep posting, anything and everything you are feeling. It will help to write it down and maybe get a journal and write everything down there too, the anger, pain, hurt etc.

And remember to take care of yourself.

I do understand your pain and that you can't just move on. You will be better to process it with professionals to help.

The rollercoaster is about to start again, I feel.

Today i spilled details of the abuse and now I have to face that it was real and all that goes with that.

Here goes. May need some hand holding over teh nextfew weeks/months.....

I hope you are bearing up, ADQ.
Sometimes when I've said something, I feel such a sense of betrayal, and no going back. At the moment, I feel dreadful because we saw a house to rent, which in so many ways, would have been perfect, apart from one thing... The landlord and his relationship with the police. it really shook me. The man was very vulnerable and I expected had had problems. I feel crap at being unable to rent the house, because I don't think I can get involved.

We are having to move house because the one we're in needs a new roof and new windows. I am feeling depressed about it, and wondering what the hell to do. Just take more pills? It's what the doctor suggested. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty gloomy and bad. Perhaps we can hold each others hands and go in a positive direction!