Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

Why are you feeling abandoned SC?

I reckon I just feel as though I am not believed and that there is no support. I also think that I am getting depressed.

Where we live, they offer CBT. I am sick to bloody death of CBT. It papers the cracks of a collapsing house.

Sorry to be so gloomy. I am also really pissed off with my brother, who is the spit of my father in terms of his behaviour. He has cut me out of his life and I don't know how to handle it. It is hard losing another brother, especially when they are alive.

Who is not believing you?

Does your brother have reason for doing this and does he know what has happened to you?

I'm heading to work now but will check in there through the morning if it helps.

ADQ

My brother knows exactly what has been going on. He just won't acknowledge it. If I say anything, he either cries or flies into a rage. He has always been of the opinion that everyone else in the family can be as mad as they like, but he is normal. Oh the irony.

Thank you for listening. I'm sorry to go banging on.

I don't think my gp is listening at all. All he does is say to take more drugs. Great. I do know that where we live offers only real car-crash mental health services. If you are out shouting about and weilding a knife, they may cart you off, or if you have turned yellow from too much booze, they may offer a drying out clinic. Other than that, there is a bit of CBT. It is very depressing.

Sorry you're having such a bad time.

Do you have any charity organisations that could help out. I once went to a christian charity (I'm not religious in any way and neither was teh counselling) but they offered a counselling service and you just paid what you could afford.

Maybe there is somethign near you to get what you really need rather than waiting for CBT.

How are YOU getting on ADQ? Are you continuing to make headway?

I'll certainly look into alternative councelling. I have started to take more of my anti ds and I feel better. I had been hoping to come off them. Bugger.

have you tried CBT? I don't like it, although I can see that under some circumstances it can be helpful. The NHS love it because it's quick and therefore cheap, and it can work a bit.

Day 5 of fag free me! It's odd that it's a relatively easy decision, though it's a strange decision the other way to smoke.

SC - My machine had a nasty virus so it's been out of action until now.

I am not doing too bad. I seem to be most upset at DH affair at the moment and am daily upset by that even after all that time.

It must feel like a gross betrayal. It is probably a good thing to work throught the feelings of hurt and indignation and whatever it brings up. To give you a sense of ownership of your feelings. I think that with a lot of abuse, too many boundaries are crossed, and a sense of self is so undermined, that it is hard to trust your own senses.

You are making great headway.

I've had a whole week without a cigarette!!! I drank too much wine at the weekend to compensate. Damn.

Well done on not smoking.

Keep going........

ADQ

And you!

I've been thinking about getting some work done. It's so much easier not to bother, but at the same time, what is there to be afraid of? It's very strange, to be rejected at such a basic level, for just breathing, then to be so so afraid of being rejected again.

I think that I have stopped myself doing anything much for fear of rejection, for fear of not being good enough bla bla bla, and it is such a waste. It's not nice to see people doing that to themselves, so I stand guilty as charged. Both my brothers are pretty much the same.

Still no fags. It's Thursday and I have had a sensible week so far re. booze. It clears a lot of time without any cigarettes, and even more time with very little alcohol! I so don't like hangovers!

Are you still getting upset? Are things falling into place yet? I hope you are feeling better.

Well done you- I have heard that if you get to 21 days, the habit is broken but don;t know how true that is.

I've been quite upset but have been offered some help for me and DH to discuss the hurt of the affair.

Hopefully that will allow me to move forward rather then being stuck in the past.

Keep up the good work.

Hi all

This week has been awful. I have been so upset and crying all the time. It's all to do with DH and the state of our relationship.

I'm angry with him about the affair, fed up with his passive ways and lack of get up and go, not that I have much at the moment.

When I'm upset I want to call someone else to comfort me (not anyone I fancy). Then I realise there is no one else to call and I get very upset. I just want a friend who will hold me and let me cry and comfort me. I have no one like that.

I'm finding it very hard at the moment.

ADQ

How horrid for you. It sounds a bit as though you are fed-up with your dh being himself. It's hard to see the positive when you are feeling down and annoyed.

I hope it doesn't sound toooo stupid, but could you take yourself in hand, and maybe write to that younger, vulnerable self, and be the friend you so badly need? Think of what you might say or do to this person who is having such a dreadful time. I do it sometimes, and it does help to stop me descending into utter self loathing and destruction.

I had far too much to drink yesterday. I think it is when people are nice to me, and I can't quite cope. How stupid is that? I have to get on and forgive myself, not say never again, because it won't work, but try to be nice to myself and think what I would think if I were a friend of someone in my situation.

It may help to think about what YOU want. If your dh is lacking in get up and go, it doesn't mean you can't do things.

I do hope you feel better soon. Dh and I went to marriage guidance for a long time which was very helpful, and we both got a lot from it. I found it very good to learn to take a bit more responsibility for my shit, and what was his rubbish. We all have it!

Keep posting!

What you suggest is a good idea. I need to learn to soothe myself and find it very difficult at the moment. I always want someone to hug me and I can't always have that.

Me and Dh are seeing someone tomorrow to thrash out some of the affair stuff. Hope it helps

ADQ

I'm sure it will help a lot. It's very positive that he wants to go with you. Such a bonus!

I want someone to hug me too, and so often I feel totally unlovable. I've been feeling rather like that all this week, because I drank too much on Sunday, far far too much, and I feel as though I have frightened my friend and made her run away. I've done that before.

Sometimes the thought of having to go for MORE therapy or councelling makes me want to jump off a cliff. Or something. I'm feeling pretty rubbish at the moment, although I am keeping quite busy and doing things I enjoy.

Sorry your feeling bad at the moment.

I understand about feeling unlovable. It's good that you able to keep busy and do what you enjoy.

Have you called your friend. Cold you stay off the drink or is fags and drink too much all at once?

Hi ADQ. I am back on MN! I have not had time to read all of your thread, so I hope the therapy is going well for you. I have read the last few pages so I understand that you are working on issues with your dh at the moment.

You are stronger than you think...to go through so much counselling and have to face the horrid feelings that come with it. I have only had counselling for four months, and that has been hard work. I can't imagine having to face such horrors for this length of time. So well done for keeping up the pace, and letting the counsellor in to your feelings/experiences.

And have a good day! The holiday was fab btw, and we all loved it.

Welcome back.

It has been a busy time for me. I have been on a rollercoaster, but today it is a good ride!

How are you? Have things stabilised?

Things had stabilised, but my session on Monday was upsetting and revealing, so I am back in the land of anxiety/lack of sleep and my old enemy anorexic behaviour, but it's early days, so I am hoping it will be shortlived this time.

The holiday was wonderful and relaxing, and I only had a few days of feeling anxious and having difficulty around food, so that was ok to deal with overall. And I discovered that it is perfectly possible to avoid burgers and fries, and to find fresh fruit and salads!

This therapy thing is so so horrid isn't it? I don't want to feel ropey and anxious, but I know I have to. Same for you?

Hi

Yes, I've always known that I have to go through the mill to get out teh other side. Have sometimes avoided doing the stuff I need to.

The issues with dh came about from me being "stuck" in my therpay and not feeling that dh was safe to support me.

He came along to a session with me today and it was really helpful. I processed a lot of the hurt and anger that I needed to and that will help me move forward with him in away i want to.

Once i feel safe with him, I will start to process the abuse issues which I have avoided up to now.

Sorry you're feeling anxious again. Sometimes I think the day to day stuff can make us more anxious.

Take care

I found it took years to start peeling off some of the layers of protection I'd built up over time. I just so don't want to have to go and talk to someone else. All my adult life has been in some sort of therapy or other trying to find a way forward which doesn't involve self-destruction. 25 years is a long time!

Still no cigarettes,and a bottle of wine lasted nearly all week!

That's lovely for you that your dh came with you. It's good that he is trying to help.

How awful for you, Twoisplenty that your eating is getting bad again. I was wondering if mine was going that way despite 15 years of having no problems at all. I think that anxiety has a lot to do with it. After all, you are hardly likely to think about what to eat for supper when you are being chased by tigers.

I have read it somewhere, about eating problems, that it is to do with existing at all, rather than just feeling too fat. I didn't want to be there in a physical body, so of course any size is going to be too big. I realise now that size doesn't matter and that breathing is more important! Appetite is so strange and complicated. I do hope you feel better soon.

Silentcatastrophe (what an amazing name!) you are so right. It has nothing to do with weight, but it does involve wanting to disappear. To get to the point of nothingness.

And it also has a lot to do with control, seeing as nothing seems to be within my control at the moment. This week in particular is hideous, especially today. I have two meetings, one at home and one at my ds school.

I am especially dreading the school one, it is about his transition to secondary school, and we have chosen a school that I am sure the LEA will not want to fund.

I lead a bizarre life, I seem to spend much time in meetings, with doctors, solicitors, schools, LEA etc but I don't work for a living, I am a SAHM. It doesn't feel like it when I look at my diary. I have the counsellor tomorrow, a meeting at the hospital on Wednesday...it never ends.

And the final blow...my dh family just love going out for meals. They have just arranged one for Friday. I am dreading that too.

Sorry to hijack ADQ thread, I must go back to my own!!

Have a good day everyone.

It's horrible to find yourself being a victim of circumstance. I felt that a couple of years ago, after 2 stays in hospital, lasting nearly a month, and coming out, staying at my parents' holiday house, and being relentlessly bullied by my father, and to an extent, my uncle. Everyone expected me to bounce back from a major operation, and a v. nasty disease within days of getting out of hospital. It was mind-bendingly grim, and ultimately depressing.

Are you doing all this running around for yourself, or for other people? I hope I'm not treading on feet, but I wonder a bit why you are so busy. Why can you not make time for you?

I must go out and feed some birds. (instead of doing some work for tonight)

I forgot to explain my circumstances. I have two dc, the eldest who is 10yo is severely disabled with cp, and attends a special school. He needs to move school in September, so we have had to find a school. Now we have to convince the LEA that they want to fund it.

Apart from this, we have various hospital appointments, and, as for the solicitor, that is another (long) story but involves lots of paperwork and time and hassle.

Time for me? I am trying to find some! Part of the problem is that I don't let myself do nice things because I would feel it was wasting precious time. When written down it sounds silly but when I am busy it just happens that way.

I hope everything is working out for you silentcatastrophe. I must read back through this thread as I don't feel I know the circumstances you or ADQ have been in lately.

You must be reeling, Two! I had eating problems and I kind of recognise the demented time-filling. I was always being told to slow down. Of course I didn't know what it meant. It was relentless, and for me, it meant that I really couldn't do anything properly or think even sensibly. I do hope you are not in that situation.

I haven't read back this thread either, so I can't remember your circumstances. Are you in therapy? What support are you getting with your son? Is there anyone who can help you with the LEA funding?

I have noticed that with abuse, when nothing can be right, the victim is responsible for everything. For me, it meant that I became very supersticious, thinking I had special powers, and at points believing that I was evil. I also told myself that if I loved anyone, bad things would happen. It is awful being responsible for such a lot, ultimately for if it rains or shines and all the other world news. I'm sorry if I haven't articulated that very well. It has taken a long time to start letting go, and to allow myself to just be. It doesn't always work, and I still get depressed and don't do enough work.

Where's ADQ? How are you getting on?