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Original poster

Recovering from child abuse......help needed

406 replies

adelicatequestion · 05/09/2009 23:39

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

OP posts:
madmouse · 20/12/2009 15:52

SSRIs work differently for depression and for anxiety - they start working immediately for anxiety and take a bit longer for depression (that's what you get when you give these things to a physicist ie my husband - all gets analysed - well at least he's taking them)

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 20/12/2009 22:17

Oh silent what a bad situation.

I'm in a really bad place today. I'm struggling with being let down by someone who I thought cared enough to be there. It turns out they're not prepared to support me until I start to take some action to turn my life around.

Also am incredibly stressed with work and we have builders in. So am trying to keep on top of work, children, house, buy presents, deal with shit self esteem and abuse memories. Oh and clean house for mil coming.

I just want the run up to christmas to be over.

Dh is doing some stuff but knowing how much needs doing he is still watching cricket and looking at photos and i have been royally pi33ed off with it. This is the first time I've sat down today and I stll have cards to write, kitchen to tidy and packed lunches to do.

Sorry fir being such a whinge but such is today I will be glad when it's over.hopefully I will be more help to others some other time.

Adq

OP posts:
twoisplenty · 20/12/2009 23:01

Christmas is such hard work.

Soon it will be January...keep putting one foot in front of the other and take deep breaths...

I've made two doctors appointments lately, and cancelled them. I've made another for Wednesday, and I'm determined to actually go this time. I'm sliding into mild depression, and the anxiety is back with a vengeance. But I'm eating, so that's the good news! Totally drained of life.

ADQ, how are you dealing with the stress? You have a lot on your plate at the moment. "Sorry fir being such a whinge but such is today I will be glad when it's over.hopefully I will be more help to others some other time". Your stresses are enormous, you are not whingeing. And surely before you can help others, you need to be on top of things yourself?

Silentcatastrophe - can you do what you want to do this Christmas? Put yourself first?

Hope I'm not coming across as being patronisisng or throwing advice around. Just ideas really.

twoisplenty · 20/12/2009 23:03

Madmouse, what are SSRIs? Sounds good to me!! I wonder if it's something the GP would think of prescribing for me? I need something to switch off the adrenaline.

madmouse · 20/12/2009 23:07

Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors

The name for the more modern line of anti-depressants that can also help with anxiety. Citalopram is one of the many. Worth asking your GP. My dh is on a low dose (10mg) and felt a huge reduction in anxiety very quickly and a real lift in his mood not long after.

twoisplenty · 20/12/2009 23:14

Thanks madmouse, I didn't expect you to reply so quick (especially at this time of day), I'm going to bed now.

THe SSRI sounds good to me, I could do with help with anxiety and mood. Things are not getting better.

I shall discuss with the GP.

alypaly · 20/12/2009 23:28

i really found trimipramine 9surmontil)worked well for both anxiety ,depression and sleep problems. I am still on them now ,on and off especially when my sleep lack of it is bad.
prozac didnt really help and amitriptyline made me jittery.

ADQ,you do sound as though you have alot on your plate....builders at xmas,you must be mad...xmas is stressful enough without them. Couldnt you have spread the stress out to help you.

My heating failed on friday...so that was real stree with this damned weather

NotanOtter · 20/12/2009 23:37

adq i am so sorry for what you have been through and i do understand.
i too spilled out a bit and in my words 'went menatl' after the birth of dc5
the family refusing to believe me drove me to take it to the authorities the result of which helped me gain some 'fashion' of closure
i took sertraline - not too bad apart from some weight gain - but i came off it s soon as i felt more stable as i felt it was masking my symptoms and i became scared that when i came off it - things would dip again
i would rather a slow steady improvement tbh
the tablets did numb me in a good way when i was very ill x

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 21/12/2009 10:14

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and words.

it has been a nightmare time, not helped by stress.

I think I am going to give the sertraline a go after Christmas and see if it helps me with the abuse stuff and dealing with it.

My biggest battle at teh moment is feeling so low and completely confused because of self esteem issues.

But only a few more days and then I can relax.

OP posts:
alypaly · 21/12/2009 17:08

you still sound as though you are struggling with soooo many things ADQ... i thought you were getting more positive but after reading ,it sounds as though you have slipped backwards. Im sorry everything is difficult at the moment. Try just to sort one thing at a time. ou are putting too much pressure on yourself

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 21/12/2009 17:22

Thanks. I am dealing with a lot but each thing seems to be entwined with the next and I can't seem to separate them out.

Shopping for presents tomorrow. Might feel better when I know that's done.

Adq

OP posts:
alypaly · 21/12/2009 17:48

thats exactly what dpoes happen and thats why we get to the end of our tether(the starw that breaks the camel's back) you will find a feeling in each problem that has a common link,and that is why you are feeling so down. The problems do become difficult to seperate and that is a normal feeling. Try,try and find what is the common link. A feeling of anger ,sadness ,betrayel,fear,foreboding,
anxiety,betrayal,no support,loneliness. You will find it ,if you are honest with yourself.

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 21/12/2009 17:57

I think I know some of them.

I feel hurt, rejected, unloved, lonely, scared and fearful.

There are many different feelings. I blame myself too much for things.

Adq

OP posts:
alypaly · 21/12/2009 18:02

do you have many friends ADQ...i mean a really close lady friend

alypaly · 21/12/2009 18:04

try and remember when the first time was that you felt any of these overwhelming feelings...its really important to retrace it backwards.
do you tend to take other peoples problems on board or can you disassociate yourself from them?

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 21/12/2009 18:53

I do have lots of friends but I find it impossible to open up to them about how I'm feeling. They see me as strong and capable - but at the moment I'm not.

I have a couple of friends who are helping a lot but neither of them live nearby.

I have also been let down badly by someone I did open up to and now feel hurt and rejected by them.

There are lots of trust issues around the abuse and also emotionally deprived was mentioned by my psych last week. I think most of it stems back to these 2 issues.

I don't actually know how to tell people what I need/want.

Adq

OP posts:
alypaly · 21/12/2009 18:58

let down the facade and let people see the real you. This is what i used to do and everyone thought i was so independant and confident...but inside ,i was a jibbering wreck. You are really fortunate if you have got so many friends. Are they really close or just acquaintances.

do you know what you want.

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 22/12/2009 19:24

Most of them are fairly close and Im sure would help and be there if I let them.

What I want mainly is to be able to cope with all these new emotions in a more adult way. To know when to ask for help and when I should be doing it on my own.

OP posts:
Keziahhopes · 22/12/2009 22:16

Hi ADQ,

Have recently joined MN, and saw your post. Have read most of it ... wanted to say I am a few years into therapy for some similar things to you - have diagnosis of Complex PTSD (not many do in UK, as it not officially a diagnosis yet until new manual out Iwas told!) ..

if I can help, support I am here - though don't want to "butt in" as that can make things worse. I found sertraline a helpful medication.

All the best - especially at such a difficult time.

Keziah

alypaly · 23/12/2009 00:43

ADQ i can tell over the many posts,that you have a similar nature to me(please correct me if im wrong)

You have been very successful ,by your own hard work. People see you as a high flyer,and you probably are....but has it taken its toll on you. Are you striving for perfection and along the way letting this hard work drag you under,without showing it to those that are close.

Do you see failure as a weakness?

If i had so many close friends i would reach out.The thing that most genuine friends like to do and would be happy to do,is to help,if you can only show that vulnerable ,non-coping side...rather than the successful business woman.

Would you say you have perfectionist tendencies.

who and what has gien you such low self esteem?

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 23/12/2009 11:38

Alypaly

Yes, I have prefectionist tendancies and am not very tolerant of weakness.

I am quite confident in my working abilities, but my self esteem is crap.

This has come from being criticised by my mum, not feeling loved or emotionally supported and the implications of abuse.

I am learning lots about myself but finding it hard to make myself believe that I deserve, am worthy etc. I blame myself for a lot of things.

My thinking can be quite negative at times.

ADQ

OP posts:
Original poster
adelicatequestion · 23/12/2009 11:44

Keziah

I was diagnosed with complex ptsd about a year ago and have been disappointed with the progress.

What type of therapy are you having and what has helped/worked.

Feel free to join in with anything you want to.

I find this a great help and support.

ADQ

OP posts:
Keziahhopes · 23/12/2009 12:20

Hi ADQ, have you had any therapy that has helped? The only thing I am finding helpful is something called LifeSpan Integration - it is gentle, doesn't involve going over anything in the past (well not yet it hasn't) and hopefully will enable me to use EMDR in the future and hopefully to have a much wanted first baby.

I can relate much to what has been posted, which is why I took a deep breath and posted here.

I find negative thinking, but apparent competency (in job) part of my condition. Black/white thinking especially.

Hope this Christmas is ok for you, as much as it can be.

Thanks

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 23/12/2009 12:43

Thanks Keziah

I have a psychiatrist who oversees my treatment with a clinical psychologist. I want to try EMDR becuase a lot of my emotions are blocked and I see this as a way of unblocking them.

I have avoided dealing with the abuse and now I am going to have to to get better.

Both psychs tell me that it will happen when I'm ready, but I'm quite impatient.

I have very black and white thinking, all or nothing.

I have talked for a year and only recently (last 3 months) have I been very upset and crying, but never in front of anyone. Did cry last week in psychologist session for the first time.

Maybe that is progress.

I have hust mistrust issues and am learning to trust (men) again.

Looking forward to comparing treatments if you are able to talk about it. Haven;t heard of LifeSpan Integration.

ADQ

OP posts:
alypaly · 24/12/2009 23:32

happy xmas all,lets hope next year brings some peace for us all,and the ability to cope with things better....have a good day tomorrow. Raising my glass to you all.X