A new thread for stressedmummy

[soapbox]

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Seems like a lifetime away to me ATM!

Awww that is a wee while away. Isn't there any way she could fit you in earlier? Or can you go to the surgery to see her if there's a clinic there?

No, other than Monday (which I can't do) that is the earliest appointment she can do.
The next one would be sometime in June!
The appointment on the 25th will require me taking time off work as it is.
I guess I will have to make do with that one, as I can't see myself getting out of the school trip on Monday unfourtunatly.

There is a baby clinic on a Thursday pm, but I work all day on a Thursday & there would not be time to talk during a clinic session.

evening sm wanted to say hello to you and that i am still thinking of you x

Hiya stressedmummy - I haven't forgotten about you. How are things going? Hope you are managing to get through this. Whereabouts are you? Do you have family tthat you could go and stay with if you decided to leave him?

I have my parents nearby, but I don't know that they would want me & my ds's staying with them!
There again, it may be a short term option if things come to that.
Today H has been calmer in general, but I am still in knots inside thinking about what is best to do.

I think you will be surprised by the support your family could offer you - i am sure if they knew the situation you are in they wouldn't hesitate to help you... you say the h is calmer today - is this because everything has gone his way today? undisturbed sleep etc..?

Sorry I didn't reply yesterday, I had gone to bed to try & get some sleep.
Yes he is calmer when everything goes his way & the house is tidy etc.
He is at his worse when he is tired.
He does have a really nice side to him as well, but I guess they all do.
My problem is that when he is going through a nice spell, I push the bad to the back of my mind & kid myself that things will maybe change.
I have even tried to believe his promises, because I want to believe that he really will change.
In reality I know that he is always going to have this side to him & it is good for me to look back on these threads to remind myself just how bad things really get.
I am starting to face the harsh reality that in my situation, it may be best for my children to make the break from their Daddy, where as before I have always thought we were together for the children.
It is very, very tough though, as this has been my life for 9 years.

morning sm - i can completely empathise with you. No one could blame you for not wanting to believe that everthing will be ok for you and your children.

If its any consolation i used to do exactly the same, hoping that 'today would be the day it would all be ok' - i think for me the turning point was when i got fed up with hearing my own voice moaning about him/the situation and the realisation that my friends weren't visiting anymore - it was a bit of a wake up call really.

I think its really positive you are begining to accept your situation - this has to be the 1st step towards making things better in the long term. 9 years is a long time which is why i understand you cant just make changes overnight. Do you feel up to talking to your family yet?

Hope you have a good day, i will keep checking on you if thats ok?

Hi SM,poppin in to see how you're feeling today?

Sorry if you've already said this but have you sat down and told H that you may leave him as you're so unhappy?

What do you do for a living? Could you take a day or two paid sick leave to sort things out? Do you feel you can talk to your parents/friends to see where they stand with putting you and the kids up? Like puska said I bet you'll be amazed at the support you'll recieve once you're open with them.

I hope and pray you start to be honest with people as I'm sure they can tell you're very unhappy.

I have had BIG talk's with H about things.
When ds2 was about 5 months old, things were really unbearable, to the point that I dreaded coming home from work.
Things came to a head, when he was shouting badly at ds1 (then just 4) because he was playing with the door.
I told him not to speak to him like that & he went mad & shouted "That's it, I am leaving."
To which my reply was "GOOD"
He never went & just lay on the bed surrounded by his clothes looking very sorry 4 himself & said "You said good, you don't love me any more"
I went mad, as I couldn't believe how selfish he was being & it all came out.
I told him that I thought he was responsible for ds's problems, that I lived a miserable life & that if it was not for the children, I would have left him years ago.
He seemed genuinly upset & promised things would change & I told him that if they did not change that I would not put up with it again & would have no choice but to leave.
Things did change for a while after that, but by last Christmas things had got very bad again.
After plucking up the courage to start my post on here & being shocked at the replies, I had another BIG talk with him.
He said he would go to anger management & would try to make things change.
Again I wanted to believe him & gave him the chance to prove himself, as I wanted to believe my marraige stood a chance.
Now here I am again!

Reading that back, I can see how pathetic I am.

hey sm dont be harsh on yourself it must be hard for you to read this thread back over, but equally its good that you are begining to accept that things probably wont change under your current circumstances i.e while you are still with h.

They will change for the better (i promise) but you have to get your bravers on first though x

Feeling all horrible again ATM.
I asked ds1's teacher how he had been today & she answered "Same as usual, just wondering around."
She said it in a "what did you expect to hear" kind of voice.
Before we left to pick him up, ds2 was grizzly because he had woken up before he was ready & H said "Who would have bloody kids? I wouldn't that's for sure. I would have made you get rid of both of them."
I know everyone comes out with the "kid's who'd have em?" phrase from time to time,in a jokey way, but when H say's it he means it.
Feel at my wits end with everything & know that the meeting with ds's SENCO will tip me over the edge.
I just don't feel like I am coping with things ATM.

SM, what a horrible day for you - very difficult.

I don't mean a magic wand solution, where you H suddenly becomes warm and supportive and calm, I mean what would help you 'get your bravers on'? TBH, it sounds as if there are 3 options: 1.Your DH enters some kind of counselling programme, immediately, which helps him deal with his anger, negativity, control-freakery and (probably) deprssion. 2. You find the kind of external support you need in order to make a pro-active decision to leave him - maybe counselling by yourself, or a committment from a freind to be 'on your side' and a listening ear throughout, or 3.There is a crisis, perhaps violence to you or the kids, or a deterioration in your little boy's happiness and self-esteem, that tips you over into sudden flight.

The other option is that you continue like this until you have the strength to do none of these things, and yours and the kids lives sink into perpetual misery.

I don't think you do sound pathetic, but i think you need the support to enable you to think clearly about what you want, and how you can get it. Rickman was posting that it is a year since she split with her ex - hook up with her on a thread?

I do wish you good luck, and my heart goes out to you, and I hope you will be 'happy and relaxed mummy' soon.

Sorry, a sentence seems to have gone missing from there...
The 2nd para begins 'what would you really like to happen?'

oh sm i wish i could help you - where are you? your ds1 is the same age as mine - i would hate to think of him overhearing conversations about who would have kids etc....
if your ds is anything like mine he will be very sensitive - i bet if you put your arm around him and asked him if he feels sad and why he feels sad - he would probably open up to you at least then you would have an understanding of things from his perspective...

big hug for you x

puska, I think that is a really good suggestion.
xx

Hi I have been reading the threads over the last, couple of days and I wasn't going to write and say anything because you are getting such wonderful support and advice from everyone, that I fear mine would be inferior. But today I feel compelled to at least let you know how moved i am to hear of your situation and to let you that I genuinely care about ,you and your family and will continue to hang around to see you come out on the other side of all this, which I'm sure you will.

I am in Kent puska.
Thanks for the tips Blu.
I will read through them again in a minute & try & take them all in.
I am having another one of those afternoons (which I have no doubt will turn into one of those evenings) where I am constantly crying.
My H has been very negative this afternoon again.
He says he wants rid of the kids, especially ds1.
I was looking at ds1 drawing a little person & it broke my heart.
He can't really help the way he is in class & is being punished for it.
I was thinking to myself that if H wants rid of them, then why doesn't he just get away from them & me.
He would be doing us a favour in the long run.
I have no patience with the children today, because I am in such a state & basically feel like I can cope no more.
H is on nights tonight & I can't wait for him to go.

Thanks natts.

hello again.
I want to be frank with you, I am really worried that your Husband says, he wants rid of the kid's and especially ds1. it sounds like he is jelious that the boys came along and took all the lime light off of him. These things he keeps saying are none the less threats. whether or not he would act on them or not isn't the point. He is saying them to make you feel afraid and desperate. You owe it to the boys to become a strong mummy. when I read what you had said about the coupe car situation, you said that ds1 didn't seem to bothered, i thought it is more likely that he is so bothered by it, that he is being very introvert. he is consentrating very hard on the t.v to remove himself from the reality. I hope you don't think I have spoken out of turn, I don't want you to feel like it's you fault either because it most certainly is not. But every day that you don't stand up for the boys is another day you'll miss seeing them truly relaxed and happy.

H has just left for work & I have asked ds1 how he is feeling.
He say's he is sad because he has been told off & because he did not get a sticker at school.
I asked him if Daddy made him feel happy or sad & he said "Happy"
I asked him why he made him happy & he said "Because I like him & he likes me."
I don't really know what to make of that.

Hi again stressedmummy. I'm still following this but not really knowing what to say - even though i awas in your position a year ago, I know its so difficult to know how to act on it. I said all the same things to dp as you are doing and it calmed down for a while and then all went back to normal.

In the end, and i think the thing that finally pushed him to going to the doc about his temper etc was that in an argument i told him that i was scared of him. I said "There you go - how does that make you feel? I'm scared to be in my own home because of YOU. I also told him that DD was scared of him and that she had been physically shaking after our last fight (she wasn't but i had to do something to get through to his thick head) I told him that the school had mentioned to me that she was very nervous, jumpy and withdrawn and was anything wrong at home (again they hadn't actually said anything to me) I think it shocked him that his vbehaviour was affecting dd and he finally went to the doctor. The doctor got him 6 weeks of councelling which really did help. He went back and asked about anger management but was told he wouldn't get on the course because his anger wasnt bad enough ??!!?!?!?!
I will say though that if you EVER get into a situation where you need to get out quickly you are more than welcome in my house. If you want i'll CAT you my address. OK it may never happen but it gives you another option and i know thats something that i desperately needed at times. xx