SM - have copied out your main post of yesterday and todays one so that people coming to this thread for the first time have some idea what you are going through without you needing to repeat yourself!
Hope that's OK
Yesterdays main post:
Sorry to have to post such a doom & gloom thread, but I am going out of my mind & really need to talk.
I am using my stressed nick name because I am stressed ATM!
I have suffered from depression after the birth of ds2, mainly because of the problems with dh at the time & quickly got the help I needed in the form of AD's & counselling.
I started to feel more on top of things again & eventually came off the AD's.
I have a dh with a very volitile temper (as some of you may know) who never wanted the kids & is not the worlds most ideal father.
Anyway, ds1 (who has been at school since September) is having bad social & interaction problems at school, which do not seem to be improving at all & it is making me blame myself as a mother, as well as wondering if dh's temper is to blame for a lot of it.
I asked how he had been today & was told that he had been the same as usual, wandering around the class, not focused during group activities etc.
I told my H & he made him throw his TV game away (which I have since saved) & sent him to bed telling him he would go to a naughty boys school.
My ds was very distressed & so was I.
I went to go after him, but H stopped me because he was dealing with things.
My H told me he wished there was a home he could put him in & also shouted at me that to die in his sleep would be a pleasure.
My H is in a bad mood because he had asked my Mum to keep ds2 awake today (she looked after him this morning) because my H had to take over at miday & wanted to continue to sleep after his nights.
My Mum didn't do as he said because she thought he was tired & put ds in the cot for an .hour before H picked him up.
H was very angry & told my Mum that ds2 would be going back to bed all afternoon regardless. And he has, bless him.
I work in the same school that my ds1 attends, so know all the staff personally & it is doing me in.
I have a follow up meeting with his class teacher & the SENCO soon & the way I am feeling right now, I just know I will be a wreck the whole way through it.
I have spoken to my HV & arranged for her to come & see me, but she can only fit me in on the day that is normally my half day, but this particular one is a school trip, so I will have to work all day.
I feel like I am not dealing with things properly ATM & am wondering if I am slipping back into depression.
Sorry for this miserable post, as I know you have all had enough of this kind of thing, but I really needed to talk about things, as there I don't really admit how bad things are to people in RL & feel like I am reaching breaking point.
Today's update:
I have been at work all day & then trying to keep my ds's out of H's way when I got home, because he was getting very angry trying to put together a coupe car, which I bought ds2 for his birthday.
The car was not going together easily & was making him very cross.
He was banging it extra hard with the hammer & swearing lots.
He said if I ever buy plastic sh*t for them again, then God help me.
Ds2 was whinging at the time & at one stage someone phoned to speak to me, so H threw the screw driver down hard on the sofa, grabbed ds2 & chucked him in his cot.
The angry nature of H at the time was making me feel very tense & on edge, but ds1 was watching TV & almost seemed not to be phased by Daddy acting so cross at all.
I guess he is kind of used to it.
this kind of temper is the kind that H demonstrates when angry.
He does not physicaly hurt us, so I don't feel we are really in danger as such, it just makes you feel all tense inside.
I must admit that the thought of a refuge type place is a very scary thought ATM.