A new thread for stressedmummy

[soapbox]

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Hi again stressedmummy. I'm still following this but not really knowing what to say - even though i awas in your position a year ago, I know its so difficult to know how to act on it. I said all the same things to dp as you are doing and it calmed down for a while and then all went back to normal.

In the end, and i think the thing that finally pushed him to going to the doc about his temper etc was that in an argument i told him that i was scared of him. I said "There you go - how does that make you feel? I'm scared to be in my own home because of YOU. I also told him that DD was scared of him and that she had been physically shaking after our last fight (she wasn't but i had to do something to get through to his thick head) I told him that the school had mentioned to me that she was very nervous, jumpy and withdrawn and was anything wrong at home (again they hadn't actually said anything to me) I think it shocked him that his vbehaviour was affecting dd and he finally went to the doctor. The doctor got him 6 weeks of councelling which really did help. He went back and asked about anger management but was told he wouldn't get on the course because his anger wasnt bad enough ??!!?!?!?!
I will say though that if you EVER get into a situation where you need to get out quickly you are more than welcome in my house. If you want i'll CAT you my address. OK it may never happen but it gives you another option and i know thats something that i desperately needed at times. xx

you sons reply is classic. he knows you are worried and hurting and he doesn't want to make the situation worse. he is soothing you. also I'm sure he really does love his dd, he is his father after all and he doesn't have a point of comparision. this is his life, he is living it. how would he know it's not the "norm" unless he experiences something better.

Ahhh thanks swiperfox, that is really kind of you.
My H agreed to anger management during our last BIG talk, but nothing has come of it.
I have had counselling following my PND & the counselling spurred me on to stand up to him the first time, when he ended up threatning to leave.
She reccomended family therepy, but he refused point blank to that.
I know that if things don't improve now, that seperation is innevitable, as I cannot go on like this.
At the moment I feel close to break down at times.
However, I am very scared & daunted at the thought of this seperation & how I will deal with that.

You are right natts. TBH that is the exact thought that went through my mind after he said it. He knows no different & however cross & unpleasent Daddy can be, he has unconditional love for him.

SM - you will deal with it the same way that most do

At first it will feel like a juggernaut has hit you. Then you will be weepy and sad, then perhaps angry and your DH for letting you all down.

The you'll have some days when something makes you laugh again and for a short while you'll be happy, then a few days when you feel down again.

Gradually over time the good days will be more and more frequent and the bad less and less frequent. Then one day you'll be so used to being happy that you'll remember with surprise that you haven't had a sad day for a while!

Its all part of life sweetie! You will survive it like countless women before you and countless women after you

You never know one day you might even meet someone else and have the happy life that you and the boys deserve so much!

I've been through all that you have and come out the other side - like many others on this site!

It is painful but you will get there. And being safe is such a nice place to be

that is so true. what a great piece of advice.

Thanks for that soapbox.
I didn't know that you had been through it.
My head is all over the place ATM, but I am aware that I am in a far from happy marraige & that my boy's do not have the kind of father that other children seem to have.
However, after 9 years I almost know no difference & the thought of making the break is a very scary one.

SM - not quite all that you have - I didn't have children at teh time!

But I was married to an emotional bully who was quite a bit older than me!

I put up with it for far longer than I should have done. Bizarrely though once I'd made my mind up to do it, getting away from him was remarkably easy!

I have also supported a friend to leave a violent relationship - now that was scary

It has always been the kids that have stopped me from going.
I would have left years ago if I didn't have them & I have told him this during one of our serious discussions.

you will find the strength and courage, i'm sure. you seem like a wonderful mother, you are the one who listens to them and notices there little funny pictures and hugs them and soothes them. you are the strong one you just don't see it yet thats all. But you are well on the way hun.

Strangely enough SM - if I had had kids I would have been out much faster.

I think as an adult you can decide how much you are willing to put up with.

There is no way I would have subjected my children to my Ex's bullying ways.

I couldn't imagine staying for 5 minutes allowing kids to be subjected to the tension that hung around the house. I really don't know how you do it, I really don't

My situation was the same as sb's no kids then either and i also helped a friend in a violent situation

There have been many times when I was so desperate that I have run to the door & then stopped & thought "Where on earth are you going to go?"
I then returned to what ever awful situation I was in at the time.

SM - please don't feel like that.

Once you make the decision to go, it is amazing how many doors are opened to you

SM i'm glad he's gone to work and you can 'relax.
I am just taking ds swimming will check back later

you and boys also welcome at mine. anytime. i will email you my phone number

Thanks natts, that is so sweet of you!

Have to go.catch up with you later on. get yourself a glass and relax for the eve.xxx let me know if i managed to email you ok.

I intend to get a large glass of something!
Thanks for all your help natts.

Hi SM, glad to see you're getting lots of support. Aren't Mners the best eh? Sounds cheesy I know but they are.

Your son sounds so much like my friend's ds. How old is he btw? My friend's son is very very sensitive and would say something like yours did. I'm really close to him now and he even calls me mam quite a bit lol. His real mam doesn't mind though as she's just glad he's happy His step dad was violent in the end (not suggesting yours will be though) and I went round and phoned the police and have supported her as best I can. Her son is so happy now and just yesterday I heard the teacher say to his mam "what a polite lovely boy he is" and I teased T and said I'd heard and how chuffed I was and the smile on his face couldn't have been wider bless him.

I know it'll be tough if you do feel strong enough to get away from him but it will get better, I promise. He really isn't making any effort and is saying such disgusting things to you

Yes MN'ers are the best!
I would have found all of this a LOT tougher to deal with if I didn't have the support from you lot, especially with being on my own a lot of the time.
My ds is 5.5 years old & ATM is a very anxious child, who finds mixing hard (parties etc are terrible) he is very sensitive & prone to various nervous tics etc.
He is extremly loving to his younger brother & hates nothing more than seeing his Mummy upset.
I am going to pour myself a drink to try & stop the tears & knotting that I am having right now.

Awwwww wish we could all get together over a bottle of wine eh?

Do you ever get a night out with friends btw? Or even meet up with any for a coffee? Just ignore me if I'm being nosey.

My surrogate son is 7 but very immature for his age. He's bright enough but has had a dreadful life, you wouldn't believe what he's been through He's also an excellent older brother to his little sis and my youngest.

I am actually having a night out with a friend on Wednesday.
H does not like me going out on a Saturday much, as he is worried about men chatting me up.
He never used to be jealous at all, it is a fairly recent thing (last year or so)
Last time I went out with my friends on a Saturday night, he was very uneasy because I was wearing a skirt & he gave me the 1st degree about not accepting drinks of any men etc!
It is a shame we cannot have a drink together!
The best we can do is both go & pour one now & speak on MN!

Glad to hear you're going out hope you have a great night

My youngest son wants to go on the cbeebies site now so I'll say night as that's probably me gone He should be in bed I suppose but it is Friday after all I'm v laid back, can you tell?