A new thread for stressedmummy

[soapbox]

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Oh don't let it make you cry Tess, you have enough on your own to deal with right now.
It is definitely his last chance & he knows it.
TBH I felt quite relieved when he said he would leave if things don't improve, because if he leaves I am not out on the street.
He was going on about how he feels that I don't love him any more etc.
He always comes out with this one when we have these kinds of talks, but it is not like he is making himself very lovable ATM so it is hard.
I have ds1's meeting with the teacher & SENCO tomorrow & I am dreading it.
Don't know how I will cope with it.
Have been very out of it at work this morning, with everything buzzing round & round in my head.

StressedMummy - do you or your H know where to find anger management courses? Or a parenting course thathe could take? Are you in a SureStart area, because i am sure they could help?
Anyway, something to ask your HV about. And of course, you must keep your appointment with her!

TBH, I thik I would still find out what your rights and securities would be if you made him leave - so that you feel stronger and less dependent on him, and as a contingency in case his admission last night either reatreats, or was a spur of the moment way to keep you on his hook.

Sorry if that sounds really negative - you have obviously travelled a very long way in your addressing of this problem, but it is because you have undergone so much and put i so much honest thinking that you don't deserve to have it dashed to the ground again by him.

Well done and good luck.

I wonder if their is anyhting you can do to keep boosting your little boys confidence?

I do think that every time H says something like 'you will go in the bin' you should clearly, calmly say 'DS will never go in any bin, I love him and i am proud of him', and every time your DS says soething like 'my naughty boys school will be a bin' say 'Boys don't go in bins, there is no such thing as a naughty boys school, and if there was , you wouldn't be going to it!', and stop your H filling his little head with this nonsense.

Kids BELIEVE this stuff. My gran once told me she would take me to a children's home and swap me for a nice little girl who DID want her hair washed. I believed her, because hair washing seemed so important to adults...
Consistency bewteen parents is important in discipline - but this isn't discipline, it's your H out of control, and it's more important for your little boy to hear you speak the truth about your love and care for him, than to be seen supporting your H's cruelty.

You know what? I do actually feel sorry for your H and his upbringing - but it wuld be a greater tragedy for that to be passsed to yet another innocent generation.

Keep going, SM, and don't bother fighting your Mum's opinion, she doesn't have to know whether you are on AD's or not. Just take support from your sis, and leave your Mum out of it.

Sun's out...

SM - I wonder if you could get some help with assertiveness training? Ask your HV? Maybe you could get it as part of training in your job?

What is it in the meeting with the SENCO that you don't think you will be able to cope with?

Excellent post Blu.

So sorry to hear of your awful confrontation with your H

Please let this be his last chance though. I hope anger managment helps him and your family.

You need to be able to start 'living' not just surviving.

SM - does he know WHERE to go for anger managment?????? You really need to make sure that he books this up right now - strike while the iron is hot.
BTW - dont worry about me!!! I am sooo much better about everything since i spoke to DH on Sunday. We talked a load of stuff through that was on my mind and hopefully HE has realised a few things too. Will tell you when i next see you.
Hang in there - you have taken the first step.
Agree with Blu -you must tell your DS there is "no such thing as the naughty boys school" etc.
I would even have a word with DS and tell him that daddy doesnt mean what he says etc - and that he is going to really try to be a better Daddy (or something like that)
Good luck with Senco 2morrow - try and get them to make DH realise that DS's behavious is NOT HIS FAWLT and that he is not deliberately trying to be naughty etc
Have been watching loads of those House of Tiny tearaways - have you????
I didnt realise how much the parents relationship could affect a child behaviour - you should get your DH to watch them!

I haven't a clue where to go to get this anger management & am hoping my HV will maybe be able to point me in the right direction on Wednesday.
I did tell ds that he is NOT going to any naughty boys school, as soon as he mentioned it on Saturday.
He is happy again today because he has a big sticker again from school for his reading!
I really praised him & was especially pleased, because with all that has gone on this weekend I didn't get a chance to hear him read.
He said to me "See Mummy, I told you I would get a sticker didn't I?"
The SENCO meeting is a meeting with ds's teacher & the special educational needs co-ordinator.
I know I will find it VERY tough to hear of ds's social & interaction problems.
I just feel everything seems SO negative.
I found it hard last time & had to turn away to stop myself crying at one point because I was blaming myself as a mother.
This time I am far less strong because of my state of mind ATM & will probably go to pieces within seconds.

It is SO his last chance & he knows it, I think.
I have told him that I must put the boys first & protect them from damage.
I also know that it is getting to a point where I CAN'T take any more of this.

It may be that general counselling about his own childhood would be of great help for your H - and don't freak, but the NSPCC are re-focussing their efforts into giving parents support - I bet they could help you find the right kind of help and advice for your H. Their anonymous helpline is 0808 800 5000. They might help you deal with the situation in the meantime.

Could you persuade your H to go and see his GP about counselling, if he is serious? GP's can offer an amount of free counselling - and if you talk to your HV about this, she can perhaps brief your GP?

You're seeing your HV on wednesday, aren't you?

Have some q's at the ready for the SENCO meeting - like 'what are the things we should build on - what does he respond well to?'. It can't be professional of them to be completely negative about DS, but it will help them to help DS if they know exactly what is happening to him at home.
And, don't forget, they will be used to parents being upset! You are ALLOWED to get upset and respond in the way you feel.

I know it's not easy, though.

I know that gp's offer free counselling, because I had some myself around 18 months ago.
My counsellor reccomended family therepy, but H wouldn't even entertain the idea.
I agree he could do with counselling BIG time, but I don't know if he would go for it.
I am sure the things I get from school are not as negative as I think, it just seems like that to me!
Yes I am seeing the HV at 1pm on Wednesday.
I ok'ed it with work today.

He is with a different gp to me BTW.

Well done, re ok-ing your HV appt.

Hmmm - reckon your H might have to get over a few of the things he won't agree to if he's serious! Family therapy sounds like quite a good idea, tbh.
Anyway, you're right, start with the HV and her ideas and expertise.

Take a notebook in to the senco mtg - write: 'positive points to build on' at the top of a page, and every time they say anything with the slightest hint of something positive about DS, write it down!
Writing notes in mtgs is a v good dstraction from crying, anyway, IME!

Will do that Blu!
Thanks for all your great advice!

Will be thinking of you tomorrow

Thankyou.
Will let you know how it goes.

well done girl. very proud of you
on a negative note [sorry] what hope have you got of getting h into anger managment if he won't go to family therapy. Both are essential, i would say that is also required for you to take him seriously. you have the upper hand at the moment,run with it. say well you said that you are prepared to give it a good go and these are my terms or we may as well split now. call his bluff. you can do it. good luck for tommorrow.

Well, I asked him over a year ago about family therepy & it was a straight NO.
Maybe he will take me more seriously now though, as he knows how serious I am.

thats what i meant, i think he might listen at the mo as he is trying to show willing

You never know!
I am hoping my HV may be able to make some reccomendations on Wednesday & I will work from there.

yes hv is a great start good luck with that.

Thanks!
It is all happening this week isn't it?!

this is a good thing though. you are doing something about your situation. soory had a couple of wines. spelling will get worse

i just wrote a great big thread and i've lost it. bugger.
basically i was apologuising[spelt wrong]for being an opinionated cow and how easy it is for me to give advice when it's not me, and i do care and i hope you don't think bad of me. i think you are very brave but i want to shake you. but as i say it's easy for me to say.blah blah blah

Don't worry natts. I don't think bad of you at all!
How can I feel bad of someone who has given me so much support & advice?!
Why do you want to shake me now???
Is it because I am still here?
I have only had 1 wine so far!

Just wanted to say good luck tomorrow.

Thanks CQ.