A new thread for stressedmummy

[soapbox]

...

Really???
Did I give that much away???
I am not at all good at the disguise side of things am I?!
Would love to meet up with some of the people who have given me so much help.
Was thinking earlier, that I would LOVE to be able to start a thread titled SM has a new life!!!

StressedMummy, really sorry that you and your poor DS have had such a horrible day.
I'm not quite sure what you're hoping the HV will do to help - I'm not saying don't go, heavens, no, but what role can she play in freeing you from a life under H's big cruel thumb?
Are you in rented or mortgaged accommodation?
I think you would feel much stronger for seeing a solicitor and finding out what your rights are - you have a lot of balls in your court, really: you have a job, you have parents who are in a good position to help you (and you may find that they are less surprised than you think to learn the truth), and some good friends who now they know the truth, will also help you.

Once you work out how you can use all this strength - and of course the amazing amount of information and experience available here on MN - you can make a definite move to get your little boys away from this man.

And in the meantime, next time he asks why you are upset, say 'I have a headache', or 'I think I have a tooth abcess starting' or 'I'm worried about xyz' or anything -practice having something to say, and mean it. And find out one thing your DS has done well and achieved - however litttle, get that into the forefront of your mind, feel pleased about it, and say 'DS did well today, he gave the books out' or whatever. You are in danger of focussing only on your DS's problems because of fear of H's reaction.

You are right Blu.
I am hoping my HV will be able to point me in the right direction, because she is a proffesional & she knows a lot about me & H already, but I guess you are right in that I should see a solicitor first, as she is more than likely just going to prescribe me AD's.
After today, I will NOT tell H about ds's day at school, as he obviously has NOT taken on board what I said on Saturday at all.
Was thinking that I may take aside ds's TA, who I worked alongside last year & have a word tomorrow, as I feel she may understand.

Hi SM, popping back in for a minute before I go up.

Hope you manage to have the guts to see a solicitor. My dh is one but he's criminal and I asked him if he could advise but he said his knowledge of matrimonial law will be out of date as he hasn't done it for 5 years. Would you feel better seeing a female lawyer?

Am feeling very emotional again ATM.
I will talk to the correct people at the school & will see a solicitor.

you feel emotional but it is to be expected but that you're going to do the necessary. Good for you!

And now to bed and will talk tomorrow xxxxxxxx

Take good care and hope you sleep well.

Night ulysees!
Thanks

I recieved your CAT puska & have mailed you back.

Hang on in there, StressedMummy, you are doing all the right things. I do think it's a good idea to go to the HV anyway, don't cancel your appointment, and if you are deprssed (rather than stressed) it's no bad thing for the AD's to take away that 'depression emotion' that makes things you feel so uncontrolled, is it? (and I know all about that, I promise!).
But see a solicitor, too - I think that will give you constructive options to think about.

And I mean it about finding out something good your DS has achieved - ask his teacher to especially look out for something. Helping you fix on that idea will help your own feelings about his progress at school - and it may work wonders for him to hear you say 'he sat still at story time' or 'played with so and so for a few minutes'.

People do understand how hard this is for you - it's very very strong of you to be able to see things from the perspective of the feedback you are getting.

Thinking of you today.

Thinking of you loads today SM - i am here for you ANY TIME - DAY OR NIGHT - just pick up the phone if you need me

Thanks Tess.
I have just got your e-mail & will reply when H is out of the way.
I will then delete it & start a new one, incase he sees it.

How you feeling today SM?

Hope you don't mind me asking, but what will H do if he finds your emails and why would he open them? Isn't that like opening ordinary mail?

Our internet things all go under the same name, so he could easily see things.
He does not normally take any notice of an mails that are sent to me, as it is all very boring to him, but he would take an interest if his name popped up in this context.
He occasionally goes on deleting frenzies & it would be too risky.
I am feeling VERY tired today, as I had very little sleep last night.
I actually came back downstairs at 4am, as I was driving myself mad in bed.
I have been very off with H today, even though he has not been that bad so far today.

Blu, thank you for your reassuring message today.

hi sweetie,
bloody heck things did get bad didn't they.
you must be feeling frightened at the moment. nevermind that you work in the school tell teacher whats going on. ds needs support and help and right now you can't give this as you need it also.
At the very least they will work along side ds more closely at school

I know you went through the mill over telling h about ds. todays a new day.learn from mistake and move on don't be enslaved by your own guilt.

It has dawned on me that you seem to defuse husband from being angry with you and quite unintentionally point him in the direction of ds.

I wonder if it's a sub concious reaction to the fear of violence, because you feel he will only shout and crash stuff about at ds but could (if stood up to)really hurt you.
maybe I'm wrong. no finger pointing though.

also my alarm bells ringing in my head as to whether you are being subjected to more than you dare to let on through fear of loss of support from us (sometimes judgemental) mums.

Perhaps I am all wrong but what is apparent is the terror you feel. he asks you whats wrong after school and you don't feel you can say "you, you arshole you are whats wrong, our poor little boy is in a living hell and can't function like all the other children because of you"

He is a vey dangerous threat to your son and you, he isn't indifferent to ds he seems to hate him.

I agree you need to talk to your mum, i would even get her to have ds whilst you sort things out. he seems relaxed and happy there.
He really needs some respite from all of this and I fear it too dangerous for both the children to be about when the ball starts rolling.
your mum helps out and has children i'm sure she will help you. you will feel so much better coming clean with her.
I can see a pattern of ball starting to roll and h not being so bad for a day or to and you thinking i'll get help tommorrow.
Please don't let tommorrow catch up with you it might bring somthing so terrible that you'll regret puting off the situation.
Yes it's embarrasing to admit life hasn't been a bed of roses but it will pass and you will see lots of friendly faces, supporting you and your boys. including mine.
If health visitor new half as much of what you tell us she wouldn't be putting you off for so many days.
I'm with you completly and i am not judging you but trying to be honest with you.
It's no good us all stroking you and hearing how terrible things have got and not give you a kick up the bum every now and then.
Get out before you can't darling,please.
HUGE HUGS.

Thanks for your message natts.
I am going to try & answer as many of your questions as I can remember!
Firstly, I spoke to ds's teacher briefly after school today & asked if today had been any better,
She said PE was not so good, as he took forever to get changed (he is lazy!) & wandered around during PE, but this afternoon he had played in the cafe albeit on his own.
He had a little star sticker on his jumper that each member of his group got for their group reading & he was desperate to show this sticker to Daddy.
Again, in front of his teacher he was saying "Can you tell Daddy I have a sticker Mummy."
They must be getting suspitious.
H has been better today & has actually been playing with his kids for a change.
However, I have been very distant with H after yesterday & hearing all your opinions on our situation.
I feel sick with a combination of tiredness & stomach churning all day.
He say's he loves his boy's & wouldn't be without them for the World, when he is in a nice mood, but say's all these horrible things when cross.
It is like he does not know how to be a proper father.
He swears he would never be physically violent towards us, but when he is really angry he is that kind of cross IYKWIM?
I sometimes flinch when his anger levels rise, but he will thump something like the wall or the door rather than me.
Regarding my HV, she knows a lot of stuff from 2 years ago, including the negativity surrounding ds2's birth, the kicking of a wicker basket in ds's room & how I am treading on egg shells all the time.
She did ask if he hurt me (physically) & I said no.
She also knows about his bad childhood experiences & believes he stopped maturing in some way at that age, as his anger reponses are that of an angry teenager.
Because she knows the basics, I feel comfortable talking to her.
Feel free to kick me up the bum from time to time. I need it!

but what are you going to do? you can't hang around waiting for it to blow up. kick kick

I am firstly going to speak to my HV on Wednesday, I will then look up some solicitors & try & get an appointment without him finding out.
Then there is the next bit.
Do I have a serious discussion first (as I rarely air my views to him when he is cross) & tell him how unhappy he is making us and my intentions to leave, or do I just dissapear one day?

One step at a time, SM! Why are you sure that you will leave? Your discussion with a solicitor may reveal that it is much better to ask him to leave - and get an injunction if necessary. You don't want to be doing a moonlight flit unless you and/or the children really are in danger, do you? You are allowed to finish relationships, you know! And with young children and the fact that he is so harsh in his behaviour with them (which your HV, the teacher etc will be able to vouch for), you would certainly get the family home.

Start researching solicitors, and maybe build some support amongst your friends, then, when you know your rights and the legal situation, you will probably feel clearer.

I'm very pleased that your little lad got a sticker, and that he was proud of it.

I always have had this vision that I would have to leave & I didn't know where to, as I don't earn enough to buy a house.
In my head when times where bad, I was ecaping & living in a cave with the kids!!!
I have told H of this cave as well!
I couldn't afford a house, my parents house is a far from ideal option, so it was a cave!!!
Mad I know!
The thing is, I don't feel my mental state can cope with a sudden flit ATM.

LOL - he's the one that should be living in a cave - caves were made for neanderthals like him!

I think you need to find out what the implications of you keeping the house would be (is it mortgaged or rented?), and if your solicitor can't tell you, find out from someone like CAB exactly what benefits and tax credits you would be eligible for. Don't suppose you'll be living in the lap of luxury, but it will certainly be better than a cave

The house is mortgaged.

sorry i left visitors came.
i'm sorry i was just trying to do a magic wand i guess. good first steps. he obviously is going to flip if you confront him head on so i think solicitor and hv first is a good idea. well done you i am proud you are being proactive.
next step, mum, i would just to get a hug and support.
is ds going there this weekend.

are you not working tonight natts?
Ds will no doubt be visiting my Mum tomorrow at some point.
He seems quite happy tonight & has spoken to my Mum on the phone.
He is upstairs ATM watching pink panther. I have told him he can stay up later for having a good day at school!