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Original poster

Scared Antenatal Depression is kicking in again

199 replies

Flamesparrow · 24/04/2009 12:47

I have been expecting it. Not "waiting for it" exactly, but knew my odds were fairly high (have had it with both the others).

That familiar feeling is back - wanting to cry, being convinced I am a terrible person, everyone hates me and would be better off without me, lethargic - so much to get done, important stuff and I am sat here scrolling through threads with DS sat in front of Toy Story.

I'm frightened.

I don't want to do this again.

My friends are going through enough of their own crap without me whinging on them, and ideally they could use support but I just don't have it in me.

I can get through this without ADs, I have done it twice before, but that black bit before I start to beat it is just so black. I am already chucking medication into this child, I really don't want to add any more to the mix.

There is nothing any of you can do, but I need to get it out and said or it will build up even more.

Trying to kick myself out of it to get stuff done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 08/05/2009 18:27

Relaxing bath less relaxy with a 3 yr old "keeping company" in it... my leg has been thoroughly washed and poured with barbie jug

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 18:40

You don't quake in fear, you feel reassured that a very sensible person has told you the truth.

I can do a good scary schoolteacher voice actually, it makes people do as I say but then they don't like me so much any more because I am 'bossy' so I only use it in extreme circumstances.

Surfermum · 08/05/2009 18:44

Hey Flame! I managed to whizz a quick email off to the administrator for the peri-natal team at work, but didn't hear back before I left on Thurs. Will be in again on Monday and hopefully have a reply.

Sorry you're feeling so pants .

psychomum5 · 08/05/2009 22:23

oh sweetheart, never ever think anyone would be better without you.............tis SO NOT TRUE*.

you do find pregnancy hard, you would be the first to admit that, but you seem to forget how bad I was in pregnancy (probably because tha first one you knew me was before you had yours), and also, what was I like after my car accidents??

look, this is short-lived, (altho not feeling that while living it I admit) and we all love you which makes us all ok helping your thru it. you just have to say when you need people, rather than hide and then go hysterical.

best will in the world honey, I am not a mind reader, and so cannot know without you saying (altho TBF you have been syaing on here, I just have been offline with evil laptops and the many hospitals recently.

look, we have a coffee/book/lunchdate next weds, you also have lots others to see once a day.................plan each day with one activity, plan it around sleep-time, accept your limitations, stop feeling as tho you should be supawoman (I mean, honestly, who is these days really???????????), and stop expecting any more than one hour slots at a time for the next week or so.

and remember that even tho I am busy, I love you immensely

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 09/05/2009 09:36

Thank you surfer.

RL talking doesn't happen. I become "fine" and hide. Tis a defence thing. I am managing it with Boy, but that is about it. I think in some ways I need to be "fine iyswim. Getting it out online is the release side of things. I've gone way past wanting to enjoy pregnancy now, and just want to survive it which has seemed very hit n miss lately.

I haven't made the appointment with the dr yet. I am considering just going for another walk in one and seeing which dr I get - they might be more amenable to giving meds than the one I had before... or I might be starting from scratch

I am more the balanced side of sanity today.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 09/05/2009 11:34

I understand that. Going out is like a test on how "normal" you can be. And that is bloody hard work when you are feeling like you are.

Sweetie you really do need to get to see that doctor

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 09/05/2009 12:52

I'll call on Monday and find out her name to make the appointment.

I felt so normal on Thursday evening, all of the worries were gone. I understand why they are reluctant to medicate pregnant women, but I just want to feel like that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 09/05/2009 19:12

I have discovered I have a much more serious problem than AND........

.... I can't get Britney Spears "Amy" out of my head, and I am starting to like it

Someone shoot me now.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 09/05/2009 20:27

(not that I know this song)

You need to watch the musical episode of Buffy. Then you'll be humming and will be too embarrassed to tell anyone what it is that you've got stuck in your head.

I've got a theory.. it could be bunnies!

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 09/05/2009 20:42

Ah see Buffy I take pride in

More worrying is it isn't just the normal radio edit of Amy, tis the Scott Mills brass version

takes heart that my sense of humour has resurfaced this evening

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 09/05/2009 22:31

that your sense of humour is back.

Now tell me, Robert Downey Jr. How old is he? Too old?

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 10/05/2009 09:45

I don't think men reach a "too old" stage until they get to creepy like Michael Douglas

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Original poster
Flamesparrow · 10/05/2009 19:47

Today has been a good day.

I have gotten some stuff done round the house (inc my tax credits form). I haven't cried (yet) despite projectile vomit (lovely), and much much aching legs (tis an air pressure thing, not pregnancy with the legs).

I am however coming off the pills again as today is the first day in a few that I have taken the things, and it is my worst day for sickness since last weekend (also when I was on the pills).

Ooh and I have gained some weight this week. Which makes me slightly panicky as it is starting to become a focus with me (desperately don't want to gain loads iyswim), but it does show me that the sickness is easing.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 10/05/2009 23:04

You are growing a baby, you're allowed to gain some weight, and AFAIR you said that up til now you were less than pre-bump weight from the sickness, so you're not exactly ballooning. No panicking required.

Glad you had a good day. I just saw Star Trek (Wolverine is still on the list, don't worry) so I definitely had a good ady

Surfermum · 11/05/2009 14:10

Glad you had a good day yesterday. I have heard back from the perinatal team - you can't self refer but the will take a referral from your GP.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 11/05/2009 19:31

I know that logically weight gain is allowed

Another good day - actually made it to yoga . Went to see my mate who lives in Stupidmouth and got to spend the day with her... she made me a maternity skirt

No tears as of yet.

Surfer - can you remind me where it is you work again so I can go armed with proper info please!

Slightly panicky because I thought I had plans for the morning, but I don't now. I should be fine though.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 08:30

Oh well done making yourself go to yoga, it's hard sometimes when you know you'll feel better if you go but you just can't drag yourself into actually going.

If you need plans you'll have to come back to the Slatterns thread and write yourself a list

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 09:39

I need a place to be rather than plans iyswim.

Nowhere to go this morning with people and I am floundering a bit.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 09:47

Not sure I can help there, I'm not exactly au fait with what activities/groups are going on round your area. If you fancy moaning on facebook I'm about but I might just moan back rather than being all Pollyannaish.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 10:46

I have given dude some soup - feeling slightly better, like I have achieved something.

I am still back onto glaring at the washing though Why does it become such a battle for me to get it on the line?!!?

Gonna leave fb for the time, hiding from my sister I really should tell her about the AND tbh.

How is your job hunt going? I lost track of your thread.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 11:03

I lost track of it too, will have to resurrect it. Job hunt is going craply. The last interview I had was a 'no', and when I asked for feedback it was so generic I might as well not have bothered. I got an email yesterday from one place saying 'we know it's been a month since you applied, we haven't decided who we're interviewing yet, hold on'. I have a number of applications in, one or two of which I am quite hopeful about (I could so do the job) but the response everywhere (except the places who don't ever bother replying) is that they've been overwhelmed with applications, and they didn't anticipate such a large response. Well they should have. There is a recession on. And not enough jobs to go round.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 16:01

Grr at them not being bright enough to see that they will get loads of applicants atm!!!

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 18:23

And not being bright enough to see that I am clearly the best of those applicants

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 19:11

I thought that went unsaid

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 21:37

Don't get scared but... DP asked how you were today

I think he's trying to make conversation and knows that I haven't actually spoken to any people in real life (except briefly in Tesco) today so asks how my imaginary friends are instead