Scared Antenatal Depression is kicking in again

[Flamesparrow]

I have been expecting it. Not "waiting for it" exactly, but knew my odds were fairly high (have had it with both the others).

That familiar feeling is back - wanting to cry, being convinced I am a terrible person, everyone hates me and would be better off without me, lethargic - so much to get done, important stuff and I am sat here scrolling through threads with DS sat in front of Toy Story.

I'm frightened.

I don't want to do this again.

My friends are going through enough of their own crap without me whinging on them, and ideally they could use support but I just don't have it in me.

I can get through this without ADs, I have done it twice before, but that black bit before I start to beat it is just so black. I am already chucking medication into this child, I really don't want to add any more to the mix.

There is nothing any of you can do, but I need to get it out and said or it will build up even more.

Trying to kick myself out of it to get stuff done.

just found this and leaving a

Flamey. When I went through this with dd I honestly thought it might be down to circumstances etc and even just 'me'. But when I was pregnant with ds, I was so looking forward to that pregnancy being so different. But then the old feelings started to come back until it got to the stage where I could no longer deny them.

I went straight to the Mental Health team at the hospital. They wanted me to take ADs but I was determined to stay off them.

It IS better second time round because you know you've done it before and got through just fine. You no longer think it's because you are a bad person, you know it's AN Depression. You beat it once, you can beat it again.

I had an emergency number to ring if I thought I wasn't coping and that meant that a CPN would come out to me straight away. I talked, a lot. I knew better than to bottle it all up.

Yes it's a struggle, but you've learnt from last time, you'll know what works and what doesn't.

Hold on, be strong. You'll have bad days but you know you can also have good days. Each day that goes by is an achievement.

I'm aiming to get to the Drs on Weds morning when I can go without DC. Slightly wary as it is just a case of turn up and wait, so I see any random dr. In my head I know exactly what to say... when it actually happens though I may well end up mumbling about a sore shoulder or something

So far I am coping ok without the pills, yes I am being sick more, but it is tolerable. I just hope that DH is ok with the state of the lounge when he gets in. He has never really cared about anything like that, but we have both been working hard these last few weeks to keep on top of things, and it is back to being hell all downstairs in the space of a day.

The curling up and hide feeling is not helping the desire to go to yoga. I know I will hate myself more if I don't go though.

Write down bullet points of things that you need to mention, and take the piece of paper with you. Pretend that you are a grownup and you are taking a child (depressed you) to the doctors. She might not want to go, but you know she has to go and you know it will help her get better.

Once you get 'depression' said the GP should realise that they need to ask certain questions because one of the problems with depression is that it makes it much harder to talk about it.

just wanted to pop onto the thread and say I'm proud of you for going to the doctors about it...thats sometimes the worse part of it all... i was petrified when i went and it was so difficult to say the "D" word...

Hyperemisis is such and evil desiese because it does go hand and hand with depression, I didn't know that when I had it with DS i was just isolated miserable in a small cottage in a village in Derbyshire with my parents in Idaho and not visiting me... I was so miserable that I didn't think the "D" word...after I had DS things were alot better for about 2-2 1/2 years when i slipped badly into depression and had to go talk to my doctor about it... but when i did though sobbing tears it was such a relief that it was "normal" ....

big hugs

there was an episode of Dr Phil (yes I know crappy daytime tv) about Hyperemisis and how so many people don't take it seriously and the it is a very serious illness, one of the women on it was a dr and collage professor who was incredibly intelligent and had no trouble with her first two children but the third she had HG and was in a terrible state...i feltvalidated by that even though DS is 5 now, I still have the scars from the HG...nevermind the stretch marks

oh and I also had low blood pressure.. which was about the funniest thing of my whole pregnacy.. and how I met frizbe and the prenatal parent craft class or whatever.. because I had to lie down in the middle of class otherwise faint.. it was completely embarrasing! oh and got a really puzzled look on my doctors face when my bloodpressure dropped while he was taking it and he couldn't figure out how i was still managing to sit up and breath he took it 3 times...

lessons from HG:

*do not ever drink strawberry milkshakes unless you want luminous pink foam floating in your toilet

*healty eating? bah eat anything it won't matter it won't stay down long enoung anyway

*rice is not very nice

*its very bizzaar to be with child and weigh less than before you were up the duff

*you find out who your real friends are.. because not one bastard I worked at Ikea with for the past 3 years before I was sick ever came to visit me... not that i'm still bitter or anything...

*after months of sickness weightloss and the like at the end of it you can birth a perfectly healty fat baby leach with a ginormous head...

*bizaarly i was left with an food allergy to broccoli (couldn't have been chocolate or dairy or bread.. no I'm alergic to freaking broccoli WTF???

*and um other stuff to but i think i'm jsut wittering now and everyone stopped reading long ago... if at all

Allergy to broccoli!?!?! blatantly skips all the lovely meaningful stuff and goes for the broccoli

I can add to the list

• trifle is a good food

Feeling more confident about the Dr tomorrow - working on my list. Am more confident today anyway though not bouncing round hugging the world, but am out of bed.

Ok tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I am trying to be bouncy on threads as a distraction (ok - bouncy/bitchy & judging delete as appropriate), but it really isn't working.

I guess the sickness is good for one thing - if I wasn't being sick on alcohol, I think I would have turned to it by now

Tomorrow is here.

Is it any good?

Are you going to see the doctor today?

sorry it's all gone crap again, I know the ups and downs are the worst. Hang in there and remember the offer to come and get up and close and personal with Nickjr at my house still stands for you and flameboy. I think I'd feel less grumpy if I wasn't still puking every day - am now 20 weeks .

Back from Dr - sorry for not reply to your text yet HBoB - think we need to postpone til next week, suddenly have things to ^do (what's that all about?!)

Right, Dr was lovely, but won't give me meds, which was sort of the lifeline I was holding out for

She is getting my midwife to give me much more support (I'm not entirely sure what that means though, not too sure what she can do iyswim)

I have to keep sobbing on my friend (so you lot are stuck with me). She wants me to try and be out of the house or with company with Flameboy as much as possible, so basically stop hibernating .

Got to go back in a fortnight - don't know if that is to see her or any random Dr (would help if I could remember her name)... prob should have book an appointment whilst I was there.

oh one good thing - I can take co-codamol for my tooth next week

So....... I am off the pills and being sick more for no real reason, but I have more appetite now I am off them, and it is one less thing for me to be worrying about ("what are the pills doing to the baby?")

Meant to be going to a SN coffee morning today, but am skipping it. As much as I know B needs her issues noticed, now is probably not the time to be dealing with it. They aren't causing major problems at school etc, another couple of weeks til the next coffee morning won't hurt.

How did this doctor seem? Was she sympathetic? Did she seem like she cared? If she seemed uncaring or like she wasn't taking you seriously then you should call and book an appointment to see another doctor. If she was good, but just didn't think that giving you meds was the right thing to do at the moment, then I expect you will be seeing her again as they like to have 'continuity of care' in these cases. Our doctor was very good when DP was depressed last year.

What did you say to her?

More support from midwife is a good thing, I too am sceptical about what counselling etc actually does, but somehow it is useful. Maybe it's just having someone to talk to who actually has heard it before, who knows that you are not a freak, and who knows that it will get better. We can be very reassuring, but there's always going to be a little voice in the back of your mind going 'what do they know?'.

IS there anything we can do?

don't worry about this week, I forgot we have docs and dentist etc so we're busy too. I'm annoyed that they wouldn't give you meds, I found that last time although when I reached crisis and cried on the doctor for half an hour he eventually caved and gave me diazepam (which was scary as it also drugged up the baby). That's why this time I kept on my sertraline befroe getting pregnant as I knew otherwise they'd be silly about it. Mind you I'm starting to think they might be contributing to the extended morning sickness and metallic mouth thing I've got going on. If you think it would help it's definatively worth asking your midwife to refer to you counselling. I really should do it but can't be arsed to even make the effort to call and then the effort to arrange baby-sitters etc. Not good really. I'm not great but weirdly about 1000 times better than with the last two pregnancies. I am sleeping and my OCD stuff hasn't arrived yet. What are we like? I remember us talking about this last year and here we both are now!

She seemed very sympathetic, sounded like because I haven't been low for very long yet, she wants to wait and see if it is a blip and I might snap out of it or something.

Told her everything I have told you lot pretty much - was completely honest, including with "are you coping with the children?"

Nothing any of you can "do" apart from put up with me whinging really.

Yay for you sleeping and not having your OCD stuff - the metallic mouth thing sounds nasty though

at the can't-be-arsed-ness of depression that makes you unable to actually do things that would make it better. It's a vicious circle and a horrible disease.

I know we don't actually know each other, HBoB, but would you like a friendly kick up the bum? Counselling is bette than no counselling.

thanks trillian - could do with a kick. Just can't put myself at the top of the list. Have loads of crap to sort out with dd2 including trying to get statementing sorted and wheelchair clinic assessment, also have blood results for slapped cheek hanging over my head. It's a nice sunny day and I have clean washing in the machine waiting to go out but I'm on the settee with dd watching blimmin 'me too'. Riverseafingal my arse.

1 - you do need to be at the top of the list sometimes

2 - DCs will also benefit if you get some counselling, so you are doing it for everyone (it is not a 'selfish' thing to do so don't even start thinking down that road)

I'm not great at sympathy, never know what to say, it all sounds trite, but I am a good kicker of bums

So much for Hugh Jackman last night.

My body remembered that it wasn't on the anti-emetics and decided to make up for lost time . Back on them today - can't risk not being well enough for the weekend.

sorry you missed out on a hairy hugh jackmen and other assorted mutants in tight costumes!

Going next week

glad you're back on the anti-emetics, hope it offers you some respite. I was doing my usual morning puke after my shower today when dd1 came into the bathroom and asked me why I 'always do fish mouth' . At least it made me laugh long enough to stop puking.

at missing Wolverine.

Whatcha doin at the weekend?

How have you been feeling today?

Hi flame

Brilliant you got to docs - just a shame that they didn't do what you had hoped - but a next appointment in 2 weeks is good - I guess they will see how you are feeling then and make a decision about what next based on that.

I have an appointment with the psychiatric people at the hosp next fri, the woman I saw didn't think I was too bad but she said they are always extra cautious with pregnant women.

the other weird thing is that I had a couple of glasses of wine the other night - and felt a lot better the next day. Then remembered that red wine has iron, so I dug out my pills from last pg and since I have been taking them I have felt like I have much more energy (ie I am capable of moving off the sofa).

Still don't want to leave the house though .

Have they done your bloods recently? I know you have had this before, and certainly my anxiety isn't cured, but the total feeling of just wanting to sit in a corner and not communicate with anyone or do anything is quite a bit better. I have smiled a couple of times today and even thought that it would be nice to have a new baby (not a thought I've previously had this pregnancy). I know it probably isn't a factor with you, but I'm amazed that no-one thought to check with me, so might be worth looking at?

I hope you are feeling OK, and am sending you one of my iron-tabletted smiles