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Original poster

Scared Antenatal Depression is kicking in again

199 replies

Flamesparrow · 24/04/2009 12:47

I have been expecting it. Not "waiting for it" exactly, but knew my odds were fairly high (have had it with both the others).

That familiar feeling is back - wanting to cry, being convinced I am a terrible person, everyone hates me and would be better off without me, lethargic - so much to get done, important stuff and I am sat here scrolling through threads with DS sat in front of Toy Story.

I'm frightened.

I don't want to do this again.

My friends are going through enough of their own crap without me whinging on them, and ideally they could use support but I just don't have it in me.

I can get through this without ADs, I have done it twice before, but that black bit before I start to beat it is just so black. I am already chucking medication into this child, I really don't want to add any more to the mix.

There is nothing any of you can do, but I need to get it out and said or it will build up even more.

Trying to kick myself out of it to get stuff done.

OP posts:
Sgloop · 04/05/2009 10:32

Have been with Meridian for a few days which has been lovely.

BBBB - you are completely right about the iron, it does make things 100x worse. I am a nightmare when it comes to iron levels, I know I need to keep them up, but at the same time, even spatone makes me constipated (far tmi ).

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/05/2009 17:45

rocks in corner

I am officially crazy.

Oh, and tomorrow is dentist day which is sending me more nuts than I was anyway.

OP posts:
Hangingbellyofbabylon · 06/05/2009 17:50

I have a manic rest of the week but am around next evening to sit in a corner rocking with you . I might well just have to come and get you and bring you to my garden to photosynthasize. Flameboy and my dd can hunt for rats in the back garden.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/05/2009 17:52

you nearly had me on your doorstep this afternoon (regardless of whether or not you were home) - but then he fell asleep

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 06/05/2009 17:57

Officially crazy?

Can we rephrase that in a way that means now the doctors are going to help you?

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/05/2009 18:07

Oh no, that is my own diagnosis based on the week so far

Drs are not seeing me til next week. My extra midwife support is hiding under a carpet somewhere it seems

OP posts:
Surfermum · 06/05/2009 18:12

I think we have a new team at work called the peri-natal mental health team or something. I wonder if they would be able to see you if you self referred, or if you could get referred to them. Would you like me to do some digging tomorrow at work?

TrillianAstra · 06/05/2009 18:12

So officially unofficially then?

((reassuring hugs)) for the dentist, I don't think anyone likes going, they always do horrible things to you, even if it's just look at the inside of your mouth critically.

In NZ we were talking to a man who had 'retired' to run his own little vinyard, he said it was great because he goes to work and people are happy to see him. If you're a dentist people come to you and you say 'hello, nice to see you, here's some pain.'. He goto say 'hello, nice to see you, here's some wine.' Much better

Sorry, I forgot to ask, would you like a barely-related-to-the-topic-of-conversation pointless story?

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/05/2009 18:19

That would be good Surfer

I want my dentist to give me wine - they could combine the two Yes please to random conversation, now too intrigued not to know!

Did you ask about the coffee job?

OP posts:
Surfermum · 06/05/2009 18:22

Will try and remember we have an open day tomorrow so may be frantic.

TrillianAstra · 06/05/2009 18:30

That was the random story, I told it to you wihtout asking

I went and had a go at the coffee job, they're going to call me to let me know if they want me to do some shifts even though I said I'm not doing weekends. I was really nervous when I went, but it was fine and I am a brave semi-grown-up person. I think I thought it would be like my weekend job in Sainsburys from when I was at school, where they tried to bully me into doing more shifts, and short evening shifts, even when I lived really far away and it would take longer to get there and back than the shift would take. Sometimes I forget I'm not a scared 16 year old any more.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/05/2009 19:37

Yay for going! You can now be earning pennies whilst applying for other stuff and not be the thick bloke on the radio who wants to do "nothing" forever

I forget I'm not a scared 16yr old at all times. I'll never forget not applying for a job when I was 21 because I was sure I was too young for it kicks self

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 06/05/2009 20:34

And this time I'm old enough that minimum wage actually applies too!

Somtimes I forget that I'm not too young for stuff. My mum had two children by my age (as did you, I think ) so what can I possibly be too young for? Apart from Saga stuff, I suppose

TrillianAstra · 06/05/2009 22:19
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 07/05/2009 07:45

Lol, I hadn't read that as me being old, so you're ok. My parenting skill are truly enviable though - yesterday I trapped DS's finger in the car window

At rocking in corner stage with the dentist. Had sod all sleep, feeling very sick, and now worrying about whether it will cause problems if I am sick when I have a healing hole iyswim. My keyboard is doing a really annoying clicky sound when I type

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 07/05/2009 08:27

Sounds like an important lesson - don't stick your finger in things that move. (I'm assuming he was fine, and just went 'ow' rather than having to go to A&E)

Do you know that the dentist is going ot leave you with a a hole? At least that's an activ step, mine usually sees me, pokes about for 5 minutes tops, and then says I have to make another appointment in 2 weeks to sort out whatever he just found. You are (or pretend to be) brave when you take the DCs to the dentist right? Can you pretend to be brave for yourself?

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 07/05/2009 10:11

DC only went to the dentist for the first time in Feb

Yup, was just an ow hurt - I sobbed more than he did tbh. I went to see DH for lunch to try and get more sane, and he ended up holding a sobbing child, sat next to an hysterical woman. He must love it when I go meet him for lunch

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 08/05/2009 12:50

Last night was great. Whatever was in the syndol relaxed me enough to take away this feeling of dread and uselessness.

It is now officially out of my system though

I have done the dishes. I have fed DS a decent lunch. For some reason putting the washing on the line is defeating me and I keep welling up when I look at it . I remember being very low with the last pregnancies, but not this level of insanity

Preschool will notice if I try and drop off DS when it isn't his session won't they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 08/05/2009 17:20

Completely lost it at school, now a load of the staff (inc the head & dept) think I am insane. I ended up sobbing hysterically over a completely unimportant situation. My mum had to stop work to deal with me.

I have now sobbed on Psycho, and come home to sob more on DH.

Everyone would be better off without me making their lives hell.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 17:30

NO. They wouldn't. You are not making anyone's lives hell and they would not be better off without you.

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 17:32

Mothers of children at primary school are bound to have more children right? So school staff should be reasonably used to dealing with hormonal women.

You are growing a baby. It's hard. Especially hard for you as well DH presumably also wants the baby, and wants to do what he can to make it easier for you. I think he can put up with a bit of being a shoulder to cry on if you are having to go through sickness and depression as well as the usual pregnancy stuff.

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 17:34

Your friends and family aren't going to be annoyed at you. They are worried about you, and want to help. If they ever act irritated what they are annoyed at is most likely the fact that they can't do anything.

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 17:38
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 08/05/2009 17:40

DH has sent me to have a bath and sleep - he is concocting some sort of food for us all.

Thank you for being nice. I think I am embarrassed about school because they know me iyswim - my mum works there, they have known me since I was there. I don't want people to think I am crazy.

I don't remember being quite this bad with the other two, but I'm not sure if that is a fuzzy memory thing or not.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 17:49

I'm not just being nice, I'm being stern and grown-up, can't you tell?

Don't be silly, you are not making anyone's lives hell and they would not be better off without you.