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Original poster

Scared Antenatal Depression is kicking in again

199 replies

Flamesparrow · 24/04/2009 12:47

I have been expecting it. Not "waiting for it" exactly, but knew my odds were fairly high (have had it with both the others).

That familiar feeling is back - wanting to cry, being convinced I am a terrible person, everyone hates me and would be better off without me, lethargic - so much to get done, important stuff and I am sat here scrolling through threads with DS sat in front of Toy Story.

I'm frightened.

I don't want to do this again.

My friends are going through enough of their own crap without me whinging on them, and ideally they could use support but I just don't have it in me.

I can get through this without ADs, I have done it twice before, but that black bit before I start to beat it is just so black. I am already chucking medication into this child, I really don't want to add any more to the mix.

There is nothing any of you can do, but I need to get it out and said or it will build up even more.

Trying to kick myself out of it to get stuff done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 21:59

Oh that is really nice I like being someone's imaginary friend.... keeps the voices in my head company

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamesparrow · 12/05/2009 21:59

Can just hear the conv now "How is that nutter you're talking to online doing?"

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TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 22:08

He says you're not a nutter. Don't know how he would know

He remembers you as 'the cute one' from the main pic on your profile

YanknCock · 12/05/2009 22:17

Flamesparrow, just wanted to say thanks for what you said on the other thread. Antenatal depression has seriously coloured my world, to the point where I was mumbling and avoiding speaking to people in real life because I thought they were angry/annoyed by my accent. I cried in the post office last week because of it!

I've had recurrent major depression for half my life, so am not sure why I thought I could come off ADs for pregnancy. Was a huge mistake. Then when they put me back on, it was the wrong thing/too little. Only just started a higher dose of citalopram a few days ago, and I can feel that it's helping.

So thanks again for what you said, I felt like you really understood my paranoia!

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 13/05/2009 09:12

Hiya YnC - Reading what you said on that thread just sounded so familiar, it was when you'd said about your antenatal thread having to convince you that people weren't judging you, and knowing how convinced I have been that everyone hates me and has some sort of opinion on me atm (on Saturday I was convinced my dad was really upset because I couldn't do a family birthday party - when I actually saw him, he didn't seem all that bothered ).

Tried to make appointment with the same Dr as last time. Apparently she isn't going to be back in for a while . I think she is just a temp. Which would explain why I didn't know her, but kind of information she could have done with mentioning to me. Made an appointment with another dr for this morning, but after thinking about my last appointment with him (he told me my breathing issues were all in my head... MN diagnosed a long lasting panic attack and fixed it with breathing exercises!!), and checking with Psycho (she knows our drs better than me) I have cancelled the appointment and will remake with one that I think will listen.

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TrillianAstra · 13/05/2009 09:42

Just been over to look at the 'Americans can't say stuff right' thread. It's pretty boring mostly, but I am that someone said you snurk too much Flame! MN is all about the snurking! Preferably at an unintentional dirty joke.

Hi YnC I will be on the lookout for if you need protection from mean girls - I'm unemployed and a bit bleh at the moment so on MN a lot. (plus I suffer from foot-in-mouth-itis so am good at reinterpreting sentences so they come out nice)

Flame yes very important to get the right doctor, I know it made a huge difference when DP was depressed. Here's a little to call them now because you want to see someone soon.

YanknCock · 13/05/2009 12:43

Hi Trillian, thanks for the offer. I see you around a lot (and always remember because I lurrve HHGTTG). I'm on preg-related sick leave at the moment (mostly AND, also SPD, and hyperemesis for a while), so I'm on MN a lot too.

Flamesparrow, I've lurked a while on this thread, and some of the things you've said I can completely relate to. At one point I was feeling the like most useless sack of shit and honestly wished I could disappear. Now that the baby moves, I'm a little bit better and more conscious of having a responsibility to him to live. Plus suicide is something I could never do to DH. He is the one person who I can't convince myself would be better off without me. Not because he's incompetant or anything, but because he really loves me, and with his own depression, I think losing me would throw him into a tailspin. I love him too much to do that to him. I thank him all the time for being patient and waiting 'for me to be me again'.

And....oh lordy, the crying in public. My favourite recent episode: I cried at the pharmacy last month when the lady asked if I paid for my prescriptions.

'Nooooooo, I don't pay because I'm pregnant and I hate it and I need these because I pee myself when I throw up!' (burst into tears and slapped down a box of Tena Lady). She actually came around the counter and hugged me.

Was the Queen of TMI for a day there. . .

TrillianAstra · 13/05/2009 12:59

I am both laughing and going awww and wanting to give you a hug myself for that!

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 13/05/2009 13:31

I am with TA on both laughing and wanting to give you a hug!

All of that sounds sooooo familiar. I could really do with this baby wriggling a bit more than it is, would give me that bit more bond.

I think any DH's that put up with this are incredible. I am trying to think of a way to thank mine when it is all over. Nothing pricey, but something that means something iyswim.

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Original poster
Flamesparrow · 13/05/2009 19:02

I can't believe how proud of myself I am for doing what I have previously done without batting an eyelid.

It is not unusual for me to be caring for my children, yet the thought of being left alone with both of them, having to feed and bed them was terrifying me.

But.... we have made it through to bed time. They have had dinner and a pudding (that is rare on a normal day - the pudding, not dinner), they have had a bath , and gone to bed nicely without a fight (yet).

I am feeling calm, I have done dishes, and am about to get started on lasagne for when DH comes home.

I have been drinking coke... my first caffeine since Monday, plus the sugar in it - I may well be high.

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YanknCock · 13/05/2009 21:08

Flamesparrow, when you are dealing with the depression, you take all the victories you can (and you should!). Well done. I can barely keep my hamster alive at the moment!

The Tena Lady Tantrum is probably the funniest public one, but DH reminded me over dinner of my other famous pregnancy-induced meltdown.

We were in the car listening to the radio, and I think it was some vaccine debate. One of the commentators said the line 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'. Instantly I was in floods of tears, and DH was stumped as to why. I was finally able to get out 'You know in Star Trek II, Wrath of Khan, when Spock dies? That was SOOOOOO SAAAAAAD!!!!' and blubbered inconsolably for at least 15 minutes. DH kept reminding me that he comes back to life in the next film, but I wasn't having any of it. 'But it's so hard and he has to go through the pon farr thing loads of times and it hurrrrrrrrttttts, and then he loses his memory.....' God, it was ridiculous. DH was chuckling heartily at the memory of it tonight.

TrillianAstra · 13/05/2009 21:22

Have you seen the new film YnC? I have

I am proud of you too Flame. I have no hormonal/chemical imbalances in my brain at all and I would be very scared of having to feed and put to bed a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old.

YanknCock · 13/05/2009 21:39

Trillian, yep, saw it Saturday and cried in the first 10 minutes. DH looked over and saw tears streaming down my face. In my defense, I know at least one other non-pregnant MNer did the same!

TrillianAstra · 13/05/2009 21:51

If I were the crying type I might have too. But I have a tough persona to maintain. I dno't cry at films, honest. I don't even know the proper old Star Trek very well but it was soooo good.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 14/05/2009 07:51

Grrr, DH went to see Star Trek without me last night.

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TrillianAstra · 14/05/2009 08:32

How dare he?

TrillianAstra · 14/05/2009 09:59

Seriously, my DP would have been in deep trouble if he had seen it without me (although I did threaten to go in the daytime on Thursday!)

YanknCock · 14/05/2009 10:31

Also at the audacity of Flamesparrow's DH! You must leave him with the children and go see it yourself--I would be happy to accompany you. (warning - I am slightly obsessed with cinema nachos and will cry)

TrillianAstra · 14/05/2009 10:38

Yes, we must find a central place to meet and go see it. I might cry too if I am allowed.

YanknCock · 14/05/2009 10:40

Oh and meant to add, along the line of being proud about things we've previously done with no problem....

Two weeks ago, DH was a few hours away at a meeting and wasn't going to be home until 9pm. I started getting hungry for dinner about 5pm and we had nothing in the house to eat. It took me till 8pm (and feeling faint) to work up to leaving the house and making the 5 minute car journey to Subway. But once I'd done it, I was quite proud of myself because I hadn't gone out alone for ages (only went places with DH when he prompted me).

Mind you, I lived alone for years and am a quite capable independent adult. AND has turned me into someone I don't recognise.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 14/05/2009 12:29

I did tell him he could. It was with a bloke from work, and he has issues atm with his work mates being bastards to him, so I figured encouraging a friendship was worth the sacrifice.

Love the idea of us all sat there sobbing into nachos

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TrillianAstra · 14/05/2009 12:38

Mmm, nachos. That reminds me, it's lunchtime.

TrillianAstra · 15/05/2009 09:05

Morning lovely pregnant people, how are you doing?

IStoleSamsPony · 15/05/2009 16:11

meh

YanknCock · 15/05/2009 16:13

DH is home ill today, so I have the opportunity to take care of him for once. Fortunately he only wanted a sandwich, a cup of tea, and a head rub. I also have to make sympathetic noises at hourly intervals. I can manage all that--he puts up with so much worse from me!