cant eat or feed dd. Please help

[littlelamb]

I really feel I'm at the end of my tether and i just cant cope. I had problems with bulimia as a teenager and now i'm on my own with my ten month old daughter i just feel so low that all the old habits have slipped back. I have to do twenty miles on my exercise bike a day and I'll only let myself drink diet coke and eat sugar free jelly and i just don't feel able to get out of bed yet alone look after dd. it doesn't help that she's teething and very clingy and i have so much guilt that i cant cuddle her and be happy. I'm so scared she's getting fat I don't know what to feed her and don't want to cook in case I end up eating some of it. I just feel i want someone to take her away but that terrifies me. Please help

lots of love and I think writing a note to take to the docs is a brilliant idea. X e

Sorry you've had a bad few days, but you do sound more positive, and you do sound as if you're making progress.

If you're seeing the GP next week, it might be a good idea to write everything down that you want to tell her. That way you won't feel embarrassed or dithery that you can't find the right words to articulate how you feel. Write it all down, and then ask her to read it. You're doing so well at the moment, and your GP sounds really sympathetic and supportive, it would be a shame not to be truthful with her and not get the right treatment for you.

It's good to hear you sounding so much more positive though. Be strong, you can do this.

I know I need to beat this now I'm past the stage where i think I'm in control of this because I know I'm not, I just can't fight the urge and every time I try and sit down for a proper meal I think I've done so well but before I know it I'm running to the bathroom. I just can't bear the thought of the food being inside me and I feel so stupid because of it.

Please tell your GP the truth, you can get help with this but she has to know exactly what she's dealing with. Write the note now, while you're thinking about it - you might feel more positive knowing that you've taken the first step towards actually telling her the extent of the problem.

I know its the right thing to do, but writing it down makes it seem so trivial, it's almost embarassing

print this thread out and show her

You will NOT be able to beat it on your own. Take the note to the doctor.

Always offer your little girl a meal at meal times and let her decide if she is hungry or not. Otherwise she will get used to eating less an less and that is sooooo not good for her.

It is not trivial Littlelamb, it is compulsive behaviour. Its unlikely you will be able to stop it on your own.

It's not trivial at all, it's affecting both you and your daughter really badly and you both need and deserve help. Don't be embarrassed, your GP will have seen and heard it all before, and will know what to do to help you.

Hi littlelamb. Not posted for a while. Hope your doing ok. Ive read some of the posts. Im so glad your rang the help line. Thats an enormous step. I want to go to my doctor but im too scared to. Too scared to ring a helpline too. I managed to be good for 5 days but it all went down hill and so i gave up. I have told my dp now though. He said we will get through this together so at least i have some support.

Hi Juicychops I've been wondering about you x I can honestly say I was shaking when I rang the helpline but I can't stress enough how helpful they were. I think it just takes some of the pressure off to have actually told someone. Like me, you seem to be going forwards and backwards, which to me means that I know I can't get better on my own, as I always give in to the urge. I don't know whether this is normal, but the urge to binge has disappeared completely, I am now just driven to get rid of anything I eat, no matter how small, and I think this has made my situation actualy more serious, as I'm sick at least four times a day now. I really hope you can get help x I can see you're trying hard. I just ate scrambled egg and salad. The helpline said it would help if I just tried to eat whatever I feel like, no matter how strange it sounds, and that's just what I fancied, and, so far at least, it's stayed down. I don't know whether the same approach would help you?

at the moment i keep going through fazes. il go for a while just eating what i want but in moderation and im usually fine. But if i eat a bit too much of the wrong thing or eat something that makes me feel slightly guilty, it all leads to a big binge and trip to the bathroom. I thought i was ready to stop but the last few days i just cant be bothered to worry about it. I really wish i would bother to worry about it though cos when im worried about it i really do try hard. I think it all went wrong the other week because where i was good for 5 days, i could really feel the weight going on and when i weighed myself i had put on 2 1/2 pounds in just 5 days and it made me feel sick.

I think weighing yourself is a terrible habit. I do it first thing in the morning and I actively dehydrate myself at nighttime to make sure I'll have lost weight but I know that's stupid. 2 pounds isn't much, espscially if you've been eating healthily. That's the logical me speaking. The bulimic me knows how awful it feels to put on weight. I constantly weigh myself. My scales are in the living room and I have to hide them whenever anyone comes because they'll think its strange.It's nice that you have someone to support you, but in my experience men just don't get this at all, it literally is baffling to them. I have asked dd's dad again to come and help me but he's said he's too busy I think bulimia turns me into a terribly selfish person, I expect people to drop everything for me, but if they were to show any concern or knowledge about what I was doing I'd be mortified. Guess I can't win

You probably arn't as selfish as you think you are. A lot of bad feelings about yourself are probably in your head just like the thoughts telling us we are over weight and weird and stupid... Cos we arnt really. no i agree i dont think men really dont understand this. my dp said he will help me get through it but he doesn't really understand why i do it. He just says well, stop eating then. But he doesn't know how hard that is. He doesn't understand how eating comforts me when i feel down. But at least he knows and does try to help. Thats enough for me now. anyway, ive got to go to bed now cos im exhausted. Hope you have a good nights sleep

nite nite LL x

Hi Juicychops, hope you're ok this morning. Scrambled eggs and salad seems to be a new obsession and I just had it for breakfast after an unfortunate incident with some strawberries. I can even have butter in it without feeling guilty. I really think you should ring the helpline, or at least look on the website. Please be careful searching on the internet, there are sites that frankly should be banned, disguised as helpful when in fact they are anything but. I don't drive so it's really hard to go shopping bu a friend of mine has started taking me in her car and that's been a huge help too. I don't feel I can load up for a binge if I'm shopping with someone so I tend to only buy healthy things which can only be a good thing. Thinking of you x

Hi LL. How are you this evening? Ive had a crappy day today. Felt really low and just really tired and exhausted. Im getting so bored in the day now. Im totally skint and im just getting so bored going to the same places everyday.

Hi Juicychops, hope you're about. Sorry you're feeling so low x x I have had a good weekend, dd has discovered she can make people laugh so has been an absolute joy. I can't believe how much I love her and she's been giving me so many huge cuddles it's made me feel so much better. Also, I think I am in lurve so am on something of a high! Is it too personal to ask if you really love your partner? It's possible your relationship may be adding to your problems. I try not to mix up other emotions with my eating, but since seeing this particular friend as potentially something more (I feel such a teenager!) it has made me feel so much better and have eaten normally all weekend without a second thought. If you're around, I'll be here x x I know what you're going through xx

Hi Littlelamb

Just saw this thread - a bit late, sorry! And i wanted first to say how much I feel for you and in a small way understand what you are going through. Well done for calling the helpline and I can really recommend writing a note for the doctor - I did this myself once and it worked.

Have you checked this website: www.something-fishy.org

(don't know how to do links but you can just cut and paste) It is the BEST eating disorders website with really good bulletin boards. I could not have got through my hard times without it.

It sounds like you are taking positive steps and that is great. Keep going!

Was it youir doctor appointment today, LL?

Yep went to doctors letter in hand but didn't need it in the end I sat and told her the truth. My doctor deserves a medal she actually sat and hugged me! She's going to look into ways she can help and ring me to come back to the surgery in the next few days she thinks maybe some outpatient treatment in the local eating disorder unit could be helpful. I feel so far away from where I was a month ago Haven't been sick at all since last week and had cauliflower cheese for tea without a second thought (used to dread cheese). Feeling so positive and I may even take the initiative and ask this guy out! The only thing stopping me is a fear of what will happen if I learn to rely on someone again, but I guess that's a topic for another board.

wow LL you are doing great !! Big pats on the back to you and how nice does your doctor sound??you sound really confident and strong Soooo happy for you , i really am .Well there is nothing to stop you asking this guy out- HE would be the lucky one !!
Its normal to be scared .i was once scared of my ex leaving me then i left him!! I realised i was stronger than he was .Now im very happy with the man i think is the love of my life YET i know i would be fine on my own too.Once i realised this it all didnt seem scary at all.
Good luck LL - you are a star!!

Is it normal to feel a bit scared at the prospect of a relationship? DDs dad was a lifelong friend and thats all been ruined and I was a wreck for so long. I now feel comfortable being on my own and I'm just scared to let a few of these barriers down because i don't like actually facing how vulnerable I am I'm not sure I can handle opening up to anyone

Hi LL. Im so happy for you. You are doing soooo great! i on the other hand am doing absolute crap!! I know that my relationship with dp IS adding to my eating problems. We had a massive argument today (one of many over the last few weeks) and i threatened to leave. I am on the verge of leaving and my head is so mixed up. Just today i was trying to work out whether i am In love with him or whether i just love him. I cant imagine my life without him but i cant carry on living like this. its not fair on me and its not fair on ds. after out argument i went to the shop and bought about 5 chocolate bars and ate them all.

That's not good juicychops. I'm sorry to hear that. I think it was dd's dad which kickstarted me back into bulimia, I wanted him so desperately to love me even though to be honest I knew we weren't good for each other and I didn't even really want him. I had a bar of chocolate today and it made me think of all the months not too long ago when I would actively panic if I knew there was nothing at home for me to binge on. I literally could not eat normally, I would just eat all night and the thought of not doing that seemed unthinkable. But I don't know what's changed. I just don't feel the need to do it anymore. Maybe its about having a bit more respect for my body now. I can see the difference that being a bit healthier has made, and I want to stay this way. I feel happy. I don't have the urge to exercise as much and I'm almost at the stage where I can accept my body as it is. Ideally, I'd still like to lose a bit more, but I don't want that to happen through bulimia. If i stay healthy I will find my own weight. It's only now that I can see I've never had a healthy attitude towards food. My mother would always criticise my body but overload my plate with food and expect me to eat it all. now I finally know when I'm hungry and, fo such a simple thing, it makes me feel I finally have some control. x x

I wish i could feel like that again. I cant even remember what it feels like to be in control of my eating. Its weird when you say things like how you used to panic at the thought of not having anything to binge on cos thats exactly how i feel. I just always thought i was on my own but there must be thousands of people going through the same as me. My situation isnt helping at all. i feel like dp doesn't love me the way i love him because of the way he just cant be bothered with me or ds. If i had athe money to just up and leave i probably would of done it already but because i cant afford it, i dont want to make myself homeless with ds cos its not fair on ds. I keep hoping dp will change and he keeps saying he will but he never does. I sometimes just wish i had left when i was pregnant when i found out about his affair. It would of been so much easier.