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Original poster

cant eat or feed dd. Please help

202 replies

littlelamb · 16/04/2005 12:52

I really feel I'm at the end of my tether and i just cant cope. I had problems with bulimia as a teenager and now i'm on my own with my ten month old daughter i just feel so low that all the old habits have slipped back. I have to do twenty miles on my exercise bike a day and I'll only let myself drink diet coke and eat sugar free jelly and i just don't feel able to get out of bed yet alone look after dd. it doesn't help that she's teething and very clingy and i have so much guilt that i cant cuddle her and be happy. I'm so scared she's getting fat I don't know what to feed her and don't want to cook in case I end up eating some of it. I just feel i want someone to take her away but that terrifies me. Please help

OP posts:
zebraX · 08/05/2005 20:43

Just phone them, LL, tell them you're bulemic & you need help & you don't know where to start. They will help you go from there. Do you need the phone number?

zebraX · 08/05/2005 20:43

ps,

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/05/2005 20:45

I am scared that if i dont have this i won't know how to cope i really cant see myself without this problem and i suppose in some ways its a comfort i know that sounds stupid but i'm just anxious what will happen when i cant do this anymore

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 08/05/2005 20:47

Write everything down, just as you have here, and then read it to the person from the help line. It will make it easier.

WigWamBam · 08/05/2005 20:47

Write everything down, just as you have here, and then read it to the person from the help line. It will make it easier.

zebraX · 08/05/2005 20:52

Of course it's a comfort, LL, that's why you still do it. Everyone has their comforts, that's not something to be ashamed about it. But yours is bad for you, too. That's why you need to stop. If it were easy to stop you would have already dropped this bad habit, so don't feel ashamed or afraid to ask for help, please don't.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/05/2005 20:56

is it ok to leave the ringing until tomorrow? I don't want to drag all this up tonight I'm too tired. Or is it better to ring as soon as you feel the need? i think tomorrow i will have convinced myself everythings fine because dd will be at nursery and i can do it all in private

OP posts:
zebraX · 08/05/2005 20:57

That's exactly why i think you should ring now, LL. You'll be tired tmorrow, too, won't you? Don't delay, it's not going to be a very long phone call, just get it over with.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/05/2005 21:34

i just feel so sad

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 08/05/2005 21:35

Ring now, otherwise you'll only put it off again.

zebraX · 08/05/2005 21:36

.

zebraX · 08/05/2005 21:42

I have to go to bed now, LL, but I'll be thinking of you. I know you're a determined & strong person, I know you're strong enough to make that phone call, even if you don't feel like you are.

Original poster
littlelamb · 09/05/2005 18:06

Hi. Still haven't called the helpline but i have started to write a list of reasons why i should and its helping so much. I looked an absolute state today my eyes have been permanently blodshot from all the vomitting yesterday and i have snapped at friends which i really regret. But i haven't been able to make dd a proper tea, she's had a chopped banana and a jam sandwich and i feel terrible that i can't even get it together for her

OP posts:
Blu · 09/05/2005 18:12

Is your DDs tea top of the list as to why you need to get real help right now, LittleLamb?

Sorry, but you are aware that there is a problem - no-one in the world is going to blame you for having a problem, but you do know that there is a problem feeding your little DD and that means real help, right now. From professionals.

You need to get help now, your daughter needs you to get help now, and she isn't able to get it for herself.

Enid · 09/05/2005 18:13

littlelamb PLEASE call the helpline.

PLEASE don't get to the point where you start to rely on this site. I really feel for you and you sound like a lovely mum but you really need help from your gp/helpline/counsellor. You have an eating disorder. It will affect your dd and could be disasterous for both of you. Please get help.

Ring them.

WigWamBam · 09/05/2005 20:11

Ring the helpline. They can give you real, practical help, rather then you keep lurching from day to day. I am concerned that you haven't fed your daughter properly today - she has to be your main concern and for her sake, if not yours, ring the helpline. Now. Please.

Original poster
littlelamb · 11/05/2005 18:59

After reading all the messages slating this board I feel I don't really have a right to be here anymore. I agree with all the people who said that the board is only helpful for people willing to seek help, and as much as i want to be one of them I'm just not ready for that, for whatever reason. Thanks for all your support, and i promise I really will keep trying, but I feel that people were implying bad things about me and it's hurt me a lot, I genuinely did come here to find the help I needed to get some real life support but its not that easy and until I can be strong and get the help for myself I think I don't deserve to be here. I'll miss your support, but, like everyone said, if I don't get help then whats the point.
Thanks for all your encouragement,
LL

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 11/05/2005 23:24

No, keep posting. If it's helping you then who cares what a bunch of strangers behind a computer screen think? They are not in your position, they can't understand how it feels.

It isn't easy, not at all, and if you are finding that posting here helps, then post. Perhaps finding support here will allow you to get the strength that you will need to speak to someone in RL to help you and your daughter.

But please think about ringing the helpline, and try and do it soon. There is help out there, and you deserve to find it. Please do.

Blu · 12/05/2005 11:59

I agree Littlelamb - there are people here who are further down the road in recovering from your illness, and if they can give you specific tips which will help you help yourself, that can only be good.

But I think we are concerned (ok, I certainly am!)that whatever you do in the long term, you need to take some practical steps now to make sure your daughter is safe. If you really are trying to live on 200 cals day, and excercise, you could well black out or go into a long collapse while she is on your care.

Original poster
littlelamb · 13/05/2005 22:28

Ok after leaving it so long I finally rang the helpline and all I can say is a great big thank you to all those who told me to do it. I spoke to such a lovely woman who didn't make me feel stupid at all and she made me see the reality of this, which is basically that this can't go on. She was really lovely, talking about dd and uni as well as the heavy stuff. I feel up to seeing my gp on monday, so I'm going to try and get an appointment. i can see that it's going to take time but i really want this. The week has been bad so far, lots of purging, but i still feel somewhat helpless as far as that goes, so i can definately see that i need help to get better. I suddenly feel a weight has been lifted, I just picked up the phone after a horrible day and suddenly there seems a way out. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this woman has really inspired me

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hunkermunker · 13/05/2005 22:29

Fantastic, Littlelamb! Really pleased you've taken the first step and I am sure you can overcome this.

Blu · 14/05/2005 23:30

Brilliant, LittleLamb. I know nothing at all about these things, but I'm really pleased to hear that the helplline were so...helpful! Call back whenever you need a bit of back-up, and keep persisting til you get a GP's appointment.
Good for you.

WigWamBam · 14/05/2005 23:34

Well done, littlelamb, that took a lot of doing and you should feel really proud of yourself. So pleased that you've made such a big step towards beating this.

flum · 18/05/2005 09:39

Glad you called them littlelamb. How is this week going?

Has DD learned to walk fully yet?

Perhaps you could leave some baby rusks and raisins in a box where she can find them then if shes hungry she can get them. Is it difficult for you to realise she is hungry?

Original poster
littlelamb · 18/05/2005 10:16

She's getting there! I do leave breadsticks and raisins for her so she can just help herself I think its easier that way than me making her a proper meal to find out she's not really hungry. I have set times now to feed her, which makes it easier for me to face the kitchen, and I've accepted that she's just not very hungry when she comes home from nursery, and will probably only have a mashed banana or something. She's sleeping through the night so she's obviously not going hungry.

As for me, I'm still glad I rang the helpline but the doctors was a harder thing to face. My doctor was wonderful to me when I was down while I was pregnant, and saved me a twenty minute appointment every week so she could make sure I was ok. I saw her on Monday, but I couldn't really articulate why I was there, just said I was starting to feel a bit down. I assume that as I suffered bulimia in my teens its on my record and she is aware of it, but I couldn't bring it up. She did comment that I'd lost weight, but I siad it was since I'd stopped breastfeeding. I wish now I'd told her the truth, but she's said I can start seeing her every week again so next week I'm really going to try, I think I might write a note to take in with me so if i can't say some things she can just read it for herself. The weekend and the last few days have been pretty bad, I can't keep any food down, but I took the suggestion of one mumsnetter and bought the dress for my summer ball, something I can't afford to replace, in the size I am now, as an incentive to maintain my weight. I knew it would be hard, but I do feel I'm making progress.

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