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Original poster

cant eat or feed dd. Please help

202 replies

littlelamb · 16/04/2005 12:52

I really feel I'm at the end of my tether and i just cant cope. I had problems with bulimia as a teenager and now i'm on my own with my ten month old daughter i just feel so low that all the old habits have slipped back. I have to do twenty miles on my exercise bike a day and I'll only let myself drink diet coke and eat sugar free jelly and i just don't feel able to get out of bed yet alone look after dd. it doesn't help that she's teething and very clingy and i have so much guilt that i cant cuddle her and be happy. I'm so scared she's getting fat I don't know what to feed her and don't want to cook in case I end up eating some of it. I just feel i want someone to take her away but that terrifies me. Please help

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 17/04/2005 20:29

thank you so much x I know four spoons is terrible. Didn't make my aims today but at least i tried and I'll do the same tomorrow. Genuinely wanted to get above 200 cals today and it scares me that my body or my head or whatever won't let me

OP posts:
AnnieQ · 17/04/2005 20:32

Four spoons is great, and at least you've felt able to set yourself a goal.

zebraX · 17/04/2005 20:48

Some part of you still doesn't want to eat, LL. I imagine it's trying to tell you some things you don't want to hear....

It's hard to be decisive or confident when your body is hungry, tbh. Some of how hard it is for you to make a decision right now is precisely because of not eating enough lately.

AnnieQ · 18/04/2005 19:11

How's it going today, littlelamb?

Original poster
littlelamb · 18/04/2005 19:21

i felt really tired today but dd was at nursery so could rest. she ate really well and ate all of the fish i cooked for her tea and is already fast asleep. The last two nights she's slept right through until 8 o clock its like she's giving me a little break. I had some grapefruit and made a ceasar salad that I ate. But had some ice cream afterwards and couldn't keep it down and some of the salad came up as well. I hitnk i knew when i was eating it that i didn't want it to stay down. Have done five miles on bike and that really is all i want to do but i don't know if i can go to bed without doing another five its really bothering me.

OP posts:
lunavix · 18/04/2005 19:28

How are you coping with menu's for dd? Did you want us to help make one that will incorporate you too?

Original poster
littlelamb · 18/04/2005 19:31

I feel that i'm getting a bit more confident with knowing what to give her, she really seemed to love the fish. I'd love to be able to eat with her but the food that she has scares me i let her have some lettuce with me once and she nearly choked on it i want her to be well nourished but i cant face the meals i make for her

OP posts:
AnnieQ · 18/04/2005 19:31

I have a friend who was/is anorexic, and she exercised furiously to burn off everything she ate. She says that she had a compulsion to do it, but it helped her to replace the compulsion with something else. She took up cross stitch, which gave her something else to focus on apart from food and exercise. I'm not saying that this is the answer to everything, but I wonder if something else to focus on might take the edge off the urge to over-exercise?

I'm glad you managed to get some rest today, and that you were able to eat some food, even if you couldn't keep it down. I know it's hard, and you're doing really well to keep going. Not wanting to be a nag, but have you spoken to the EDA yet? They may have some suggestions to help with the exercising as well as the food.

Original poster
littlelamb · 18/04/2005 19:36

my anorexic aunt does cross stitch and i guess thats why she does. It honestly feels like something i cant control i'm ashamed to admit it but i've set my bike up in front of the computer and i'm doing it now. I haven't spoken to them yet but i have been on the website a lot and checked out some links but i got taken to a scary pro-anorexia site that was just disgusting

OP posts:
Enid · 18/04/2005 19:49

you don't have to eat the same food as dd.

Mine have never had lettuce. They eat great fattening portion of macaroni cheese while I eat a salad - I think thats fine.

AnnieQ · 18/04/2005 20:25

Oh no, sorry about the link you found, that's not what you needed. Please try to ring them, my friend had so much help from them when she was having real problems. They won't judge you.

zebraX · 19/04/2005 19:45

Let us know how it's going, Littlelamb. Would it be easier to talk to your GP? They are professionals and they see some very very weird problems, yours wouldn't even phase them. You don't have anything to be ashamed about, anyway.

jollymum · 19/04/2005 20:32

Littlelamb. how are you now and how are you doing? Thinking of youXXXXX

Original poster
littlelamb · 19/04/2005 20:42

Hi. Feel a bit better today. dropped dd off then went home to rest for a bit but decided to rearrange my room to keep busy. was still feeling tired in the afternoon but i went for a walk and I'm glad i did because i came back feeling a lot better. Had asked a friend to pick up dd and they were at home when i got back so we all had pizza and to be honest I didn't even think twice about it! did eight miles today and probably will do the extra two before bed but i don't feel in any rush like usual. Haven't spoken to GP I'm registered at the uni surgery and they're not back til next week. I still feel uneasy though. Having rearranged my room I went and bought a full length mirror to hang in there and I just keep standing in front of it. Still, have managed three meals today. Had an apple for breakfast and a salad for lunch and i do feel better for it

OP posts:
zebraX · 19/04/2005 20:48

That's really really good news, Li'lLamb.

jjash · 19/04/2005 22:35

Hiya , just wanted to catch up with your progress Littlelamb.Can i tell you i think you are doing brilliantly .I started my recovery from anorexia 10 years ago now before i had my kids and i know its hard .For you to be doing it with a little one shows just how strong you really are .

FrumpyGrumpy · 19/04/2005 23:17

Hi

Just stumbled on your posts while on for something else totally. Just wanted to send love and thoughts to you. Kids always seem happier and behave totally different when they're with someone else or at nursery. Its just different and novelty. Remember your baby girl can NEVER get another you. I used to feel like my little girl was happier without me around but I know now that was shit, They'll smile at anything!! Be strong and keep fighting, don't think about the days that have passed cos you can't change them, just think about the next one. Thinking about you.

Original poster
littlelamb · 20/04/2005 09:42

God I've had no sleep at all I just can't drop off at all. It's hard to understand but things really do seem easier to cope with if i just don't eat. dd's dad is really pi**ing me off he knows i'm not well but he won't help me at all. he's at uni back home and says he's too busy and can't help me. How the bloody hell does he think I cope with my work AND a child then?? If i can maintain first class grades with all of this going on why can't he just come and help me out for a few days. It makes me sick to think he's my dd's dad and that I used to love him I don't even have a word to describe what I think of him now. Anyway, rant over. I can't let things get to me like this

OP posts:
jjash · 20/04/2005 16:14

Hey Littlelamb, how are you now? For me the not eating was about me controlling something at a time when my life felt it was chaotic and too stressful to handle .Do you think your reaction is similar?
Do you get on with your daughters dads parents at all?Would they be willing to help? Even to offer emotional support? And your dds dad too really needs to take his responsibility more seriously .
Have you contacted your Gp at all hun ?
Anyway just sending you hugs .Take care

Original poster
littlelamb · 20/04/2005 19:17

dd's grandparents and greatgrandparents are brilliant-far more supportive than my family. They took her for a week earlier this month while i moved house but it was his gran that offered and he spent most of the time she was there at work, which i know was probably not his fault, but its only on a supermarket checkout, surely someone could have covered for him? I feel ok today. Had a salad for tea, with dressing and parmesan! And have only done a mile, don't really feel like doing more. I tried ringing the surgery but they were shut. Day did not start well, i text dd's dad to ask if he could come and help and he said he was busy and that made me miserable, and i just wanted to wallow but went for a walk instead and ended up buying some gorgeous earrings which have cheered me up no end! I think things are becoming a bit clearer. I can see that the mirrors not lying to me anymore, its just hard to think that the slim person it shows is me, i cant stop feeling that I'm so fat when obviously i'm not. thats not to say its any easier for me to eat though. I've been inviting friends over for tea, so i can at least eat one meal a day, but its a start I suppose.

OP posts:
zebraX · 20/04/2005 20:43

Well he is being a jerk & you have a right to be angry, Lil'Lamb.

How tall are you & about what do you weigh?

Original poster
littlelamb · 20/04/2005 20:51

Do i have a right to be angry though? sometimes i think i must be so unreasonable. I'm about five foot seven, but i really don't want to say how much I weigh it's still in double figures and I'm not happy with that at all

OP posts:
zebraX · 20/04/2005 20:59

Weight -- not important, I was just being nosy.

Angry -- sure you have a right to ask for support, it's his child, he was there on the night the child was conceived, everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. Why do some men just think of themselves as spunk donors?

Original poster
littlelamb · 20/04/2005 21:02

Ha ha! I just feel that it was my decision not to have an abortion, (which he and my parents begged me to)so I guess i have no right to ask him fo help. But its annoying that he's only there for the good stuff. Even when dd was down there, she slept with his gran so she wouldn't disturb him in the night!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
zebraX · 20/04/2005 21:11

Maybe you do bear more responsibility for your DD being here (than he does), but you don't bear all of it. I must go to bed, now. ttfn....