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Original poster

cant eat or feed dd. Please help

202 replies

littlelamb · 16/04/2005 12:52

I really feel I'm at the end of my tether and i just cant cope. I had problems with bulimia as a teenager and now i'm on my own with my ten month old daughter i just feel so low that all the old habits have slipped back. I have to do twenty miles on my exercise bike a day and I'll only let myself drink diet coke and eat sugar free jelly and i just don't feel able to get out of bed yet alone look after dd. it doesn't help that she's teething and very clingy and i have so much guilt that i cant cuddle her and be happy. I'm so scared she's getting fat I don't know what to feed her and don't want to cook in case I end up eating some of it. I just feel i want someone to take her away but that terrifies me. Please help

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 22/04/2005 20:23

Bugger bugger bugger I'd been doing ok for a few days and now i've gone and eaten a tub of ben and jerrys and it can't stay down but there's nothing i want to do less than throw it up. so stupid

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juicychops · 22/04/2005 21:31

Done that yesterday night when i was home alone... a whole tub of chocolate brownie ben & jerrys and i HAD to bring the lot up cos i felt absolutely terrible after eating it... stupid cow!!

Original poster
littlelamb · 22/04/2005 21:43

are you bulimic juicychops? I had to get rid of it I didn't realise i'd eaten so much because I was on the phone.

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juicychops · 22/04/2005 21:56

Yeah. trying desperately to stop it but not having any luck at all. i hate it

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 19:24

It seems there are a lot of threads going at the moment about eating disorders and it makes me feel less alone but also so sad that so many are going through this. Have had a really busy couple of days, so no excersise. I feel awful, term starts tomorrow but I'm going to skip my lecture so I can come home and work out. My department are really lovely and supportive, they know what i went through last year, but i'm just terrified i'll get thrown off the course because with all this going on i can't concentrate and i'd rather exercise than do any work.

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juicychops · 24/04/2005 20:34

im sure that if they are supportive then they wont throw you off the course. have you tried setting a specific time in the day to exercise and a time to study? its also made me feel a little better to know that there are others in similar situations to me.
what are you studying?

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 20:51

I'm in the second year of my english degree. I felt quite good at the start of the weekend I went and bought new clothes to make me feel a bit better because all my other ones were too big but now I just feel really fat in them and i wish i knew why i change so suddenly from feeling ok-ish to absolutely terrible. I've eaten a big packet of crisps but i'm scared to bring it up because my throat already hurts so much but i can't bear the thought of them being sat in my tummy making me fat

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juicychops · 24/04/2005 21:17

i feel like that sometimes. Earlier i had a muffin and once i'd eaten it i couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to throw it up but i hadn't eaten anything for hours and thought 'what difference can 1 muffin make?'so i played with ds to take my mind off it. If it was more than 1 muffin that i had eated then it would have been a different story. try doing something to take your mind off the crisps. just try and think its only a pack of crisps. I got a pain in the side of my stomach a few days ago and it has been really hurting today. Im worried that it has been caused from throwing up and its worrying me now.

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:22

I just feel so unable to cope dd is normally a great sleeper but i just can't get to sleep whatsoever, and this is making things worse. I dread her waking up and crying because i feel so helpless and sometimes angry, like i want someone else to take responsibility for her. As for the pain, I sometimes get that, but I've never had it checked out. I've had really bad pain to hte side of my lower abdomen this last week and i'm pretty sure that its my fault too

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juicychops · 24/04/2005 21:32

How comes your so tired? is it cos your doing too much exercise for the amount of food you are keeping down? i read somewhere that eating disorders can cause insomnia. What kinds of food do you eat and keep down without worrying about it?

zebraX · 24/04/2005 21:34

Littlelamb, there are worse things in life than being fat.

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:34

I guess I'm just physocally exhausted but i don't understand when I can't sleep. I can deal with small salads and maybe an apple but anything else feels too much like a binge and so comes up. I keep trying to eat more, hence the crisps, but I still feel so guilty afterwards. I feel like a total loser, there are people with real problems and here I am making problems for myself

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Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:36

You make it sound so simple zebrax. i wish it was

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zebraX · 24/04/2005 21:39

Sorry, Littlelamb, I don't mean to be flippant. I just don't want you puking... you are a worthwhile person and it's so sad you have to wrestle with this demon.

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:41

No puking tonight, I am trying to deal with the feeling of being full and it's frightening but i'm just sat here knowing that there's nothing i can do about it now and telling myself that thats ok.

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juicychops · 24/04/2005 21:43

my fear is being fat. I think that is why i haven't got help because if i eat properly then i will put on weight and be fat.
some of the guilt free things i eat are muller light yoghurts, small salads, vegetable stirfry (cooked in water or lemon juice not oil)ings i eat are muller light yoghurts, small salads, vegetable stirfry (cooked in water or lemon juice not oil), 1 or 2 of those scotch pancakes as they are low fat, and weetabix in the mornings.oh, and fruit. but it has to be in moderation cos i cant deal with feeling bloated

zebraX · 24/04/2005 21:44

The salts in the crisps may do you good, I imagine your electrolyte levels aren't very good after the extended period of starving.

In OA we used that "One Day at a Time" motto a lot.

juicychops · 24/04/2005 21:46

and littlelamb, eating disorder IS a REAL problem so don't feel bad or guilty. Everyone has all different kinds of problems

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:47

I don't really understand electrolytes. Is it complicated? I know i'm doing my potasium levels no good at all. Is it possible to take some kind of supplement?

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Blu · 24/04/2005 21:48

hi lamb - I really don't like the sound of you missing lectures - wouldn't it help to keep that good mind of yours in gear?

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:53

My degree is really important to me, I fought so hard to stay at university, but nothing seems very important to me anymore. I don't mean to sound a know-all, but I only have to do two more essays to finish the year, and I know i can manage that without much effort. The most important thing for me right now is to feel in control of this, and that means using all my time productively towards this, and right now that means dropping dd at nursery and coming home to pound the exercise bike as much as i can before going to pick her up because then I can hopefully go to bed when she does rather than staying up half the night doing exercise

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jjash · 24/04/2005 21:54

Hey all . Littlelamb and Juicychops i really feel for you both .Wish i could do something to help .It is possible to get over this .You will one day im sure.

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 21:56

You've helped so much already jjash x please don't think I don't appreciate your help just because I don't feel ready yet

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jjash · 24/04/2005 21:59

littlelamb , i know hun .Fact that you are talking on here shows that one day you`ll be ready and it has to come from your own heart .Just know that whatever you say here will strike a chord with me and i will listen .
you are doing great .I was ill while at uni , also did an english degree .You can do it!

juicychops · 24/04/2005 22:01

Thanks jjash. I know i will one day. i really do need councelling. i think im ready now to get help. 4 years of this has been too much and now i have ds i cant carry on like this. I need to focus on him not what im going to eat on my nightly binge. im just so scared of what my dp will think of me and even more of getting fat.