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Original poster

cant eat or feed dd. Please help

202 replies

littlelamb · 16/04/2005 12:52

I really feel I'm at the end of my tether and i just cant cope. I had problems with bulimia as a teenager and now i'm on my own with my ten month old daughter i just feel so low that all the old habits have slipped back. I have to do twenty miles on my exercise bike a day and I'll only let myself drink diet coke and eat sugar free jelly and i just don't feel able to get out of bed yet alone look after dd. it doesn't help that she's teething and very clingy and i have so much guilt that i cant cuddle her and be happy. I'm so scared she's getting fat I don't know what to feed her and don't want to cook in case I end up eating some of it. I just feel i want someone to take her away but that terrifies me. Please help

OP posts:
jjash · 24/04/2005 22:04

Juicychops , just posted to you on other thread! im not stalking you ,lol.Does your dp know about all this?

Original poster
littlelamb · 24/04/2005 22:05

I read on the EDA website that english is one of the worstd degreed for people with eating disorders because they have too much time on their hands. Have to agree, but not complaining on the work front! I think maybe I should stop posting what I eat every day, because if someone's eaten less then me I see it as a kind of competition and I know that's really terrible of me. It's like I know I should do better and not be so greedy

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jjash · 24/04/2005 22:09

doesnt surprise me -alot of work in english you do on your own .All that reading ! Takes me back a few years ....
Good idea about not posting what you eat unless you need to tell someone to make it feel ok.That sense of competition is natural . I was very much the same.

juicychops · 24/04/2005 22:11

when i first got together with him i told him i was bulimic but i think he just forgot about it as i never talked about it. Once i eventually go to the doctors i will write him a letter to tell him rather than face to face. i would be too embarraced and ashamed

jjash · 24/04/2005 22:17

well you tell him the best way for you .My partner at the time was aware but wasnt an emotional person and i just distanced from him and dealt with it alone .My partner now wasnt around for the worst parts but is supportive .He takes no bull off me and doesnt hold back and i actually really need that .When we met he told me straight out i was too thin and i found his honesty very reassuring.

juicychops · 24/04/2005 22:20

Thanks for all the support. im going to bed now. il post again tomorrow. bye girls x

Original poster
littlelamb · 25/04/2005 19:00

So proud of myself! Was having a rubbish day and purged a whole pack of biscuits but when dd came home she was a joy! Made her spinach and ricotta pasta without really knowing if she'd like it, but she ate loads and i even managed a few bites with her.

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hunkermunker · 25/04/2005 19:01

Well done Littlelamb! I'm really happy for you!

jjash · 25/04/2005 19:04

thats brilliant Littlelamb.All these steps you`re taking are great.Be proud of yourself

Original poster
littlelamb · 25/04/2005 19:08

I feel so happy that i trust myself to cook again because I reall do love it, but its still only dd that I'm cooking for, not quite ready to go and make myself a meal yet, but I'm getting there

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juicychops · 25/04/2005 21:11

thats really great littlelamb. thats a step in the right direction!

juicychops · 25/04/2005 21:11

thats really great littlelamb. thats a step in the right direction!

juicychops · 25/04/2005 21:11

thats really great littlelamb. thats a step in the right direction!

jjash · 25/04/2005 21:43

littlelamb, what you are doing for dd is a major step .When iwas recovering i cooked all the time for my friends and then little by little i cooked for myself to .Its all about seeing food differently.Well done you

juicychops · 26/04/2005 20:46

Hi littlelamb. How have you been today?

Original poster
littlelamb · 26/04/2005 21:33

Today has been good. A friend took a picture of me on her digital camera because she said I looked nice and I didn't believe her and its amazing that I can't see what's right in front of my nose, because in the picture i did look nice. Chewed and spat some cookies earlier but ate tea with a friend, it was curry and I ate quite a bit, and had no urge to throw up afterwards. Had a small salad for lunch and an apple for a snack, so have done pretty well today. I guess now that I can look at myself and be happy, I'm just scared that if i start eating normally i will pile it all back on, and ideally I'd still like to lose a bit more. DD didn't eat much tonight, but she slept through last night so that pasta must have done her some good

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Enid · 29/04/2005 15:56

how are you doing?

FLUM · 03/05/2005 12:03

hello. weekend ok? how are you doing?

FLUM · 03/05/2005 17:03

have you been on littlelamb. how are you?

Original poster
littlelamb · 03/05/2005 21:01

Hi. Things with dd are so much better I'm cooking her lots of things and she's just a pleasure to be around at the moment. She took her first steps today and can stand on her own just grinning and laughing because she's so clever! As for me, I was beginning to feel better but I made myself sick tonight and generally just feel a bit pathetic. I'm scared to go to my seminars because I don't want people to see me looking so terrible and I'm scared my tutors will think I don't care and chuck me off the course. The good thing is I'm not losing any weight and am maintaining it quite easily but now I really feel I need to lose more I haven't been on my bike since last week so I'm really going to go for it tomorrow

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Enid · 03/05/2005 21:02

how lovely to hear things with dd have improved.

did you speak to your gp?

Original poster
littlelamb · 03/05/2005 21:09

No I haven't spoken to my gp I feel in a very wierd state right now I know I have so much to be happy about and I don't even know what triggers me to behave like this anymore. I went the whole weekend doing so well. I wonder if my degree's the problem and i should take a year out or something? Whenever I think about how much work I still have to do it just makes me panic and I end up with my head down the toilet

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FLUM · 04/05/2005 10:07

I can understand that panic feeling from studying completely. Although obviously it manifests itself differently in different people.

You seem to have come along way on your degree course so it would be a shame to defer it. However it seems very important not to put too much pressure on yourself as you cope with that by controlling your food intake. Try to go to the course a little bit and take each day at a time.

Glad to hear your dd is doing well. She sounds a real smasher! My dd is 15 months and just learning to walk too. A funny thing to do is to put a trail of raisins around the floor of your home and she can wander along finding them. Mine loves doing that.

zebraX · 05/05/2005 21:00

Littlelamb -- you've got so much pressure on you. I think how messed up I was at age 21-22, and I didn't have a baby to look after on top of my own messed up head. No wonder you're struggling.

I hope you can find the courage to go talk to your GP, just to get out of the vicious circle you're in right now.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/05/2005 20:40

OK I know I really need help now I've been sick four times today and twice dd followed me and saw it all and I couldn't even stop when i saw her because I was panicking that I hadn't got everything up. I never wanted her to see this, but now she has. Just how do I explain all this to a helpline or whoever? I don't even know where to start i just feel so terrible that i've let it get this far please help me

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