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Original poster

I can't take much more

102 replies

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 16:44

Having such a tough time right now..everything's going wrong and I just want to give up. We're in so much debt, dh is out of work and to top it all off I might lose my children. I have been diagnosed clinically depressed and everything is hard work right now. My house is a tip which is the main thing ss are complaining about. I'm trying to get back on top of the housework but I find it so hard to wake up let alone have energy to clean and look after the children.
Just feeling like everyone would be better if I wasn't here. I'm making such a mess of everything. DH keeps saying I'm useless(usually when we're arguing) and I'm starting to think he's right.

OP posts:
Original poster
annemarie30 · 08/02/2009 10:50

Silentlywondering- can I ask how long after you cleared everything did ss stay around?
Feeling worse today but no bed for me. We have in-laws coming today and Dhs best friend is supposed to be coming over too. It was DDs 1st birthday on monday so they're all coming over with presents for her.
I've been re-reading the report and I'm just stunned by the way the various professionals have said one thing to me and another in their reports. I thought I could trust my family support worker at least but even she's said things to me then said completely the opposite in her reports. I have problems trusting people anyway and this makes me want to just hide away and not bother anymore.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 08/02/2009 10:52

hope you got a good night's sleep and feel a bit more rested today

try not to see sw as the enemy, as this will undoubtedly come across to them - however provoking they might be your best bet is to aim for a collaborative sort of relationship, not an adversarial one. remind yourself that you and ss both want the same things, the best possible standard of care for your children, even if they are wrong or unfair about how they do things

MitchyInge · 08/02/2009 11:05

I didn't see your post, must have taken ages typing mine!

have been in very similar situation and we started off with a terrible sw who just created a lot of fear and confusion and was not at all clear about what was going on - it's only because my sister works in child protection at a more senior level, for same council, that I was able to get decent advice and found out how to access specialist support which turned things around for us. our 'case responsible' sw lied to us about the availability of this support at the very time that my sister said memos were going around urging sw's to refer to this particular team.

unfortunately I don't know if they are everywhere in the country, these teams, there was definitely talk of setting them up in more areas. they (well it was one amazing person) worked very very intensely with us (several hours a week, 24hour call out) and completely brought us back from the brink over quite a short period - and my problems were v similar to yours, mental health difficulties, terrible mess at home. no husband or family to support or help. we just get follow-up visits every now and then and I was actually sad to get to the end of our sessions.

it has to be worth asking if there is a similar service in your area, in Norfolk and Suffolk they were (are?) called Family Assessment and Support Team - they might have different names in different counties?

link

silentlywondering · 08/02/2009 11:23

I took about 4 months in total to get it all sorted with ss. My hv was still interfering till about 6 months ago when my mental health team stepped in and explained to her that she wasn't helping the situation.

We were actually reported by a family member, luckily the school, nursery, previous hv who retired just after all this happened (yeah it was a new hv who didn't know anything about us that caused a lot of problems for me) and gp were able to say that the allegations of neglect and under feeding the children were a fabrication. So it was only the clutter and the mess we had to deal with and prove we could sort out.

MitchyInge · 08/02/2009 11:29

what annoyed me about my situation was that previously when I'd been ill, in hospital or whatever, I expressed (to my mht) a lot of concern about the impact of it all upon my children and how I struggled to meet their needs and they just brushed it all aside and didn't take it seriously or refer us to child/family services for fear it would negatively affect my recovery!

we actually went back a few years later, as a family (me and the older 2) and made complaints about how 'invisible' the children were at that time and I'm really pleased that now there is space on the adult care plan for any issues about the children to be raised and for referrals to ss to be made

silentlywondering · 08/02/2009 11:34

Social worker told me that they would not recommend taking my children thanks to the positive reports from other agencies and info from the mh team however, they did this in front of my then 3.5 yr old who only heard the words take children away. She has wet the bed ever since and she had been dry for a good 3 months. She is now 7 and I am struggling to get help for her night time wetting!

LucyEllensmummy · 09/02/2009 16:59

annemarie how are you today?

Original poster
annemarie30 · 09/02/2009 20:31

Well we have a solicitor but he can't meet us until just before the network meeting. The house is looking a lot better, Dh has helped by keeping an eye on the children so I could get on with it.
Still really tired, coughing all night but dosing up on cough medicine. I have had a bit of a cry today mainly because I was talking to a friend about all of this. Just reminded me how serious it all is.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 09/02/2009 20:34

it is such a worry isn't it, please be encouraged by everything you have achieved so far - great that you are getting your husband's support too

LucyEllensmummy · 10/02/2009 07:34

keep strong annemarie - give yourself some time to rest if you need it. xx

MitchyInge · 10/02/2009 17:21

how are things today annemarie?

Original poster
annemarie30 · 10/02/2009 17:34

Hi. Really nervous about the network meeting tomorrow. Was feeling a bit more 'up' but have had a total mood drop this afternoon and can't seem to stop feeling very low. Fighting the urge to hurt myself..can't let ss see how bad I'm feeling.
I found ou that the solicitor we have is the same one my sister used to fight her ex for her dcs and he's very good. Just hope that the meeting goes ok. Not sure exactly what will be said or what to expect.

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LucyEllensmummy · 10/02/2009 18:21

annie, try to remain positive if you possibly can. If you go into the meeting with the view that they are against you - you will be defensive. You have no reason to be - they SHOULD be there to help you, thats what we pay our taxes for - maybe in the mean time you could make a written list of things you have done. Things you would like to do, and how you would like them to help you - it will make you look terribly organised, and give them food for thought.

cant post more now but good luck for tomorrow - dont let the bastards grind you down!

silentlywondering · 11/02/2009 07:24

Good luck for your network meeting love.

Original poster
annemarie30 · 11/02/2009 07:46

Damn DS2 is ill, he's been sick so I can't send him to nursery. My parents were taking DD to see my stepgrandmother but they can't take DS2 if he's ill. I'm really hoping that they can change plans and look after them both at my home.
Very nervous about the meeting. Just hoping I don't say something wrong. Will post after meeting. Better go and get DD up.

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silentlywondering · 11/02/2009 07:54

Hope you get the childcare sorted and that ds2 feels better soon.

LucyEllensmummy · 11/02/2009 10:55

Hold your head up annie - you are a GOOD mother - thinking of you today!

mandy12345 · 11/02/2009 11:29

keep going do one small thing each day ive had a bad few years lost my mum couldnt cope with 4 kids so my middle to went two leave with there father my ex partner was a mental bully and im oldest daughter moved out beause i was too weak to stand up to him and he still doing it a month on but my daughter comes now all the time

Original poster
annemarie30 · 11/02/2009 15:19

Been to meeting but was told by solicitor that he wasn't representing both of us just DH so been told to get one myself. The solicitor said he could represent both but conflict blah blah. So since he's said there's no real reason he can't represent both Dh is telling him we want him to be our solicitor not just DHs.
The agreements we've had to sign are basically what we agreed to verbally at a previous meeting and we've already been tackling some of it anyway. They are going to ask for DS1 to be referred to CAMHS because he is convinced he's being stalked by a poltergeist plus he's had alot of anxiety-related illnesses. Actually relieved about that. His father died after alot of mental health problems one of the symptoms being hallucinations.

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LucyEllensmummy · 12/02/2009 00:02

Had to come on and see how you got on. Ive had a bastard of a migraine. Im glad that something positive has come out of the meeting. Sorry to hear about your son - I hope they sort out an assesment for him. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with - I didn't realise you had lost a partner (Ds dad?) Lets hope that this will result in your situation being eased rather than made worse - at least now your DS is going to get some medical help.

Im off to bed now - not making much sense - haven't had a migraine for ages. Weird.

Original poster
annemarie30 · 13/02/2009 08:43

Hi, feeling really low this morning. Woke up feeling so tired and wanting to just go back to sleep. I just don't want to have another day of worrying about everything. Realised that we are completely broke and i have to get a present for DS2s birthday which is tuesday.
I have a CAb appointment this afternoon to sort my debt. Hoping my parents can have the younger 2 for me.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 13/02/2009 15:58

Hi annie, i hope your day got better. Ive been out all day and im knackered now! It is hard just to get through the day sometimes isn't it. But the upshot is, you have to. You are doing a positive thing by going to the CAB, hopefully they can point you in the right direction. We had to sit down on monday and sort our debts out - it was painful i can tell you, but hopefully we have some sort of workable plan in place and it has taken a great deal of worry off of our shoulders. Hope you feel better for sorting that out.

Give yourself an early night tonight if you can - you feel much better after a good nights sleep. I have a habit of going to bed late and i feel like shit, if i get an early night its amazing how different i feel.

Keep on keeping on, every day you go forward is another day of sorting things out, another day of putting the darkness behind you - you can do this!

Original poster
annemarie30 · 26/02/2009 12:25

Want to cry. I'm on my last week of the 2 weeks. I'm under pressure from all sides over the house and now my cat needs to be put down. I'm trying really hard to get everything under control but I'm scared it won't be good enough. There's only 1 room left to clean and I'm hoping to do it today or tomorrow. Everything feels rubbish.

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bobbyswish · 28/02/2009 20:22

Annemarie? How are you today? I've read this thread and would like to offer my support.
Please dont give up.

Sakura · 01/03/2009 06:58

I've just read through the thread too and also just want to give some support.
If you could read your situation objectively from the outside like I just have then you would easily be able to see that you have done nothing wrong and this situation has arisen through nothing more than bad luck. Its just bad luck that you have these idiots knocking on your door threatening to take your kids away . SS could walk in anyone's home at a bad moment if they happen to have young kids and the place would be "unnacceptable". It happens to me all the time. Sometimes, if a guest is coming, my house is clean and nice but more often than not I look around and think "My GOD, if SS turned up unexpectedly right at this moment, they would have a field day!"
But you cook lovely meals and care about your kids so much and it makes me so angry that, as someone else said, if you just stuck your kids in front of the TV with chocolate while you did the housework, you would be considered a more "acceptable" mother. In fact, lets be honest, the only way anyone with young kids can have a pristine house is if the kids are in front of the TV while they clean!!

THe reasons they have given are outrageous and it doesn't seem that they have even once expressed any responsibility to actually help you. It does sound like bullying and one in particular sounds like he(?) is on a power trip. I don't mean to make you feel more helpless by saying that- I just want you to see that you are doing nothing wrong at all.
Its worrying that they have wrote in a report that you are not cooperating because it sounds to me like they can just write anything they like!
Keep tackling the house. A good tip (if you are a list type of person) is not to write out everything you need to do on the list, but instead write down the thing you have just done. So for example 1. picked up some toys 2. Put a wash on etc. As you see the list grow you start to get more encouraged that you are actually doing something.