I can't take much more

[annemarie30]

Having such a tough time right now..everything's going wrong and I just want to give up. We're in so much debt, dh is out of work and to top it all off I might lose my children. I have been diagnosed clinically depressed and everything is hard work right now. My house is a tip which is the main thing ss are complaining about. I'm trying to get back on top of the housework but I find it so hard to wake up let alone have energy to clean and look after the children.
Just feeling like everyone would be better if I wasn't here. I'm making such a mess of everything. DH keeps saying I'm useless(usually when we're arguing) and I'm starting to think he's right.

We have had some help, skips and someone came and helped me clear but I've struggled to keep on top of it all.
DH is getting help from CMHT too and is there at the moment. He has anger issues and being out of work and the situation with ss is making him difficult to talk to. I was upset with him when the sw was here yesterday because he offered almost no input at all. I tried to explain to him that everyone that's been involved with us has been shocked by the fact he doesn't seem to care what it is happening.
The sad fact is that if the worst happens and we lose the children I will never be able to forgive him for not trying hard enough to help me. I love him but I can't deal with him anymore. He's very selfish and it's unfair that he's basically left me to deal with everything. Last night he told me 'we need to pull our fingers out and get everything sorted out' Like I'm doing nothing.

Try to take small steps and not be overwhelmed, for example if you could clear or clean just one room, or part of that room, you may feel a sense of achievement, whereas looking at the whole picture can sometimes feel too much, do something small and simple and then another small and simple thing, there is nothing that can't be sorted in this life except death, so hold onto the thought that there is a way through this, I know how hard that can be

oh thank goodness your DH dragged himself out of bed and did something to help!
I think it would be a good idea for you to write a list of things he could do to help you - so, for e.g., as you are sorting clothes, maybe he could put the piles away in the right places. Maybe he could collect any washing from places it is lying around in and bring it to the washing machine, and then you could put it in. If he picked toys off the floor, then you could vacuum it.

If you show that he is helping you to achieve the tasks rather than having to do them himself, maybe his old-fashioned principles of supporting his wife will kick in.

I've been thinking about this all night.

It is really important that you show willingness to comply with medical advice. If their reatment is not working for you yet, you need to make sure they are very clear about what they are deaing with ie. if you don't get on top of your depression you risk losing your children. MAKE THEM LISTEN.

I am sure you are, like most of us, a good mother going through a hard time. We all have bad days. Your house should not be a reflection of your mothering skills. Some people with OCD have immaculate houses and don't give a stuff about their kids.

The social workers have a job to do, and they are, of course, on red alert these days. I would suggest you tackle the house really slowly. Start with the hall - it's the first bit they see. THe clothes your kids wear should not be important, surely? Mine are alwys underdressed.

I really hope you have a better day. Even if one good thing happens, and your CMHT listen to you, then that would be excellent progress towards getting more help. Please don't give up, as it will get better.

I find black bin liners are excellent for just dumping dirty clothes in, toys can just all get chucked into cupboards, food into the bin.

Good luck today xxx

Annie - i really do urge you to contact homestart, im surprised your SW hasn't pointed you in that direction. They will have volunteers who could come to your house, just for an hour and either sit and have a chat, take care of the children while you catch up with something or even help with the clearing up.

Could you have anothe declutter? get some black bags and send stuff to charity shops, old raggy clothes to the recycling? Makes you feel really positive - i KNOW that sometimes seems an impossible task, but if you just set yourself SMALL tasks and tick them off as you do them, it makes you feel better.

Definately get some advice re SS, i don't think they are helping matters but of course they must look out for the children - but removing them isn t the answer. You need HELP

Glad your DH is waking up and smelling the coffee

I can't have homestart help because they don't come out as far as my village, stupid really considering they're only about 5/10 miles away from me.
I am trying to clear the clothes today, there's far too much that we don't need or the children have outgrown. It's all going to be taken to textiles box near us.
DH is going into town with DS1 to get a toybox so hopefully I can get toys under control.
Sw actually said he thought the news that they are getting close to taking the children would either help me get motivated to do something or make me worse. I'm sort of switching between the two reactions. I want to make things better but I also just feel like it doesn't really matter what I do because it's never good enough.

at SW. BUT you ARE proving them wrong and you are both doing something - that is a huge inspiration for me actually, because since posting to you i have my own crisis and it would be very easy for me to slip back again. So, we'll do this together!!!! My kitchen is a shit heap - im off to clean it, and then get lunch together for DD. Your job can be sorting the clothes - mine can be the kitchen (its awful) and sorting DDs room. I'll check back later to see how you get on - hopefully i will be able to tell you ive done my task, but you know how it is - easy to get dispondent.

WELL DONE for making a start - it will make you both feel better. If your DH has a bee in his bonnet about "housework" maybe look out some DIY jobs for him to tackle. he almost needs managing iyswim.

GOOD LUCK - wish me luck too (just came back to check some out of date lotto tickets - one can dream!!) Take a fucking miracle to sort our finances! But i must resist the urge to rant!

Your SW sounds like a bit of a tosser tbh. Can you request another one?

Thumbwitch- this is the 3rd sw we've had. They keep changing..this one has come in and within days taken it to this stage. He says he's 'sympathetic' to my depression but I'm not sure he realises how bad it is iyswim.
LucyEllensmummy- hope you managed to get things done. I made a good start on the clothes. I've managed to get a black bag almost full. Still have alot left to sort but at least I've started it.DH is doing nursery pickup now..he's not overly pleased about doing it but I've been trying to sort the house so he's gone for me.
Thankyou again for the kind posts. I don't really have many people I can talk to nd tbh those I would normally talk to I'd be too ashamed to talk to about this.

I am at the SW attitude, tbh, he doesn't sound all that sympathetic to me! But who knows.

Your DH still needs a major attitude change - he has to take some responsibility here because it won't be your fault alone if SS do decide to remove your DC - HE will bear half the responsibility. If he can't see that he needs professional help himself. Good that he has gone to get the DC though.

ONe point - he isn't doing it for YOU - he is doing it for his CHILD. I have to remind DH of this as well, when he says things like "but I've cooked your dinner for you" - "No, darling, you have cooked OUR dinner for US". This whiny, "I do so much for you and you can't even do X" attitude is desperately unhelpful and only reinforces negative feelings you have about yourself. He has to STOP doing it.

well done annie, i managed to sort of do the kitchen, did DDs room, fell asleep up there with her playing and shes wrecked it - ho hum, thats rug rats for you. Brilliant that you have made a start with the clothes - give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it - i know how hard it can be to just get out of bed sometimes.

You've made a brilliant start - well done, tomorrow is another day and you can do something else, and so on and so on. Think i need you to come round here and kick me up the bum mind - Im well knackered!

annemarie, how was your day? did you manage to get DH on board with helping with any of the rest of the chores?

Please think about my suggestion of splitting the workload with him so he realises he is helping you and doesn't feel as though he is doing it for you.

No Dh hasn't really done any of the house today but he did do the nursery drop off and pick up. I'm pretty tired but restless too so hoping I can sleep tonight.
I've fallen out with my sister but tbh I can't be dealing with her right now. She has her own issues and I don't need her offloading anymore. I forgot my ads this morning so now not sure if I should take them now before bed.
I don't expect to feel better overnight but knowing I can come here is helping a bit. You have all been so helpful.

that's a good thing. I don't know enough about ADs to know whether they need to follow a strict timetable, but I would have thought it would be better not to miss a dose.. perhaps you should start a thread asking that question, no doubt someone will know the answer!

Well done Anne Marie. Sounds like you really tried very very hard today, That's great. Another day gone, baby steps towards the next day.

You've been given lots of support here. I really hope it helps you to wake up and know there is a little team of mums out in cyber space thinking of you, taking some of the pressure off you by telling you that you have done really well. God, when we feel like crap the last thing we want to do is start the cleaning up, but it does help to clear the decks once in a while.

Tomorrow my dad is coming. He makes me so nervous that I go into overdrive with the tidying. I am normally a house slut, but he makes me feel so inadequate that I'm even contemplating buying flowers. How mad is that?! And then I'll mess it all up again when he goes on Saturday.

I'll check in with you when I get a chance tomorrow and I really hope you wake up feeling bit more positive. You did really well today honey.

i can so sympathise with your situation

when your depressed house work feels like climbing mount everest , you dont know where to start or how your ever going to get to the top of the pile of washing/ironing etc.

What i suggest is, make sure your children are washed and clean, clothes and like i am sure they r already well fed, these are the first signs ss will look for.

try and at least have one tidy room in your downstairs such as living room at leasr if they call you can take them in there, there and your hall should be tidy.

your not wonder woman so small steps are good, please take care and give that man of yours a good shake to wake himself up.

they have no idea

annie, i thought about you all day yesterday - when i was struggling to finish cleaning my kitchen, i thought i had to do it for you - no good me doling out advice to you if i then can't tackle things myself! .

So pleased you managed to get stuff done, thats fantastic. Hopefully you will feel geed up by that enough to tackle something else today? But if you don't, it doesn't matter - just make sure every step is a positive - when i am really struggling, i write lists, then put it somewhere so i can tick it off when i have done it - i find it helps when there is a mountain of stuff to do because often the miserable thing about housework is you can break your back doing stuff and it still looks like you haven't done anything - but if you can tick it off on your list, for some reason it validates it. Does that sound mad? It works for me Maybe you could stick the list on the fridge, suggest to your man that he might like to tackle something on there for you? What is he doing all day? I know he is job hunting but you can only spend so many hours in a day searching for a job. What does/did he do? What would he LIKE to do?

Do you think you could manage to get yourself out of the house today? Just for a walk? It makes such a difference to me.

I'll be sending you positive vibes all day

Chin up, you're doing great.
xx

Right I am tackling my kitchen today. Can't do much this morning because I have DD and DS2 wanting attention so going to try to get it done this afternoon. DS1 is still home so he's sorting toys into new toyboxes. Dh has been assigned the rest of the clothes. Hoping it all gets done. If the clothes and toys are sorted and tidied then that's the living room more or less done. I have a week to really get on top of everything, that's when the network meeting is.
Still tired, slept a bit better last night but awake stupidly early this morning (about 3am). All dcs are dressed and fed so good start. Although the way my 2 youngest scavenge you'd think they were never fed
Thank you LucyEllensmummy. I'm a little that you think I'm doing well. Really not used to being told that.

Sw is coming this afternoon. Gone into panic-mode. I can't deal with him today, only just getting calm after last visit. Just want to hide away and not be here when he comes. Feel sick and dizzy. Why does he just announce he's coming to see me on the day he's coming? I know that he needs to see me without me having time to do a quick tidy round but it's really stressful.
I'm tired and I can't cope.

sounds like you better be getting used to it!!! I know how you feel, i cringe inwardly (and outwardly) if someone praises me - i can't stand it. But you are doing amazingly well. I know you are doing this for the meeting next week but remember, you are doing this for you as well. What i think is actuallay quite brilliant, is you have managed to involve your son in the mass tidy up too - that is going to give him a real sense of achievement and make him feel great. So pleased for you.

I know it can be a bit of a nightmare trying to do stuff when LOs want your attention, my DD (aged 3) is being a total nightmare lately and i can't do anything. I get a couple of hours when she is at playschool and thats it. Its a phase, but its a tough one. what i am saying is - great if you manage to tidy more today, but if you don't it doesn't matter - playing with your children is actually more important - you can tell SS that from me!!

I think you are a far better parent than you give yourself credit for. Most of us are to be honest.

I have attended a parenting course just recently - not sure im learning anything as such, but its just so nice to be in a room full of people with exactly the same worries and whines as me - i feel normal (for once!!).

Keep it up, and that is one in the eye for your SW!!!

With regards to your meds - i am on citalopram and i often forget to take it in the morning - i just take it in the evening and then take the next days tablet in the afternoon then back to morning, but then if im particularly stressed i just take it in the morning anyway - nothing bad happened yet!! So if you forget take it, but don't worry if you forget completely, so long as you take your normal dose the next day thats ok. I think its suppposed to take about 3 days before you notice not taking, i don't advise it, the come down is meant to be hell though.

Take care
xx

Cross posts - Right, breathe, concentrate on your breathing - In, count to five - out, slowly do this until you feel calm.

Did he say what he wants? Can you phone him and ask? Tell him that you are in the middle of a clear out and its not exactly convenient. If he insists, well thats his tough shit if he has to sit on a pile of clothes.

What is it about him that you can't cope with? If he is making you nervous - tell him. You are doing really well so please don't let this knock you back - i have to go out now (sorry) but i will check back later.

Anyway - when he comes - you can be positive, because you HAVE been positive - tell him what you have done and that you feel good about it. Is your your mental health nurse someone you can get on with, could she be there to fight your corner for you this afternoon?

He's bringing the Letter of Intent. That's the letter that gives us the 2 week deadline. I don't know why I find him hard to deal with. I have a fear of ss anyway because my brother was adopted when I was very small so I'm terrified they'll do the same to me. I'm so worried that if they take the children I won't have the energy left to fight.
I'm really surprised by the reports that they've made suggesting that I've been ignoring all their offers of help and support. I've done everything they've asked me to do. It's just never enough.
DH was asking me when I'm next seeing my cpn so I think he's getting worried about me now. I'm not coping really, just trying to make it seem like I am iyswim?
Oh well I'm trying to sort everyhting out. I just hope the sw sees that.

I can see that you are trying to sort things out. It is very easy to push help away when you are depressed and these people should realise this.

What exactly is it they are giving you a two week deadline for? I feel so helpless to help, but i can be here and listen - so can lots of other mnetters. I don't have any experience with SS. Have you seen your solicitor yet?

Maybe you could set up a thread asking for peoples experiences. I can understand why you are suspicious, but i guess you do have to work WITH them, and be seen to be working with them just to keep them quiet.

I would imagine that if you have a cpn, they are on call to you? I would give them a call - im off out again soon (football club for DD!) but will keep you in my thoughts.

Don't let them get to you - you are doing your best, you really are - hang on to that

The 2 weeks is to get the house sorted to what they think is acceptable. If i don't get it all done by then they'll start legal proceedings to remove the children.

That is outrageous annie - what is their version of acceptable? Im not just saying this to make you feel better but judging by what you are telling me, if a SW came to my home i might be recieving similar threats!! My house is a TIP, its probably not that clean either - i just am not big on housework - i do the BARE minimum. This room i am in for instance - I have the following:

clothes strewn on sofa, big box of shite on sofa, cant sit on it. Box of shite on arm chair. cant sit on it. Half built childrens castle on the floor, various odds and sods, random bits of paperwork (just finished DPs accounts so its carnage). I dont think you can see a square foot of the floor! Cant remember when i hoovered it last - clothes horse with clothes falling off where im too lazy to put them away. Unspeakable debris around the computor. . broken biscuits (must take the dog to task on finishing his crumbs!).

My kitchen, still has last nighs washing up waiting for me to load into DW. washing all over the floor - recycling rubbish just teetering on top of the washing cos ive run out of bags. Dogs bowl looking a bit rank now (might have to give in and clean that). DPs tools by the back door. We have a downstairs toilet but you can't use it because there is too much shit in there, can't shut the door.

We are lucky enough to have a seperate living room - thats OK ish, but i had to pull the sofa out this morning to set up our broadband we wont even go there! Toys all over the floor that i just put in the corner in the evenings.

Back garden - actually i shudder to think, i havent been on shit patrol this week, or last .

So, i dont really like clutter and mess, it makes me anxious, so every so often, i have a brain storm and do a room til its all lovely. Did our bedroom the other day and DDs room (which was quite quick actually).

Our big big problem is storage which is why there is so much shite everywhere.

So maybe your SW would like to come round here (if he is brave enough!that is) and i'll put him straight about a few things. My DD is well cared for scruffy, happy little urchin child. I defy anyone to suggest otherwise just because my house is in a state!!!! Its horrendous to think they are putting you through this just because of the state of your house.

So angry for you annie