Thats it. I have finally realised that I can't 'do' life anymore

[Titania]

yes me again.....don't really want replies, just need to vent

I have finally come to the conclusion I am a crap mum and crap wife (and don't say I'm not please). I am so fed up its unbelievable. DS1 has gone to a friends house to play. Its the first time I have ever let him go. DS2 is just screaming at me and so is DD cos I won't let her have chocolate, when her dinner is going to be ready in 5 minutes....ds1 hates me....he tells me he does. he backchats and throws things at me all the time. He has me in tears everyday.

we are so seriously in debt. The company who were supposed to be sorting it out for us has been promising to get it sorted within 2 weeks for the past 6 months. Now we are getting all the court summons'/baliffs calling etc and its just not funny anymore...not that it was in the first place but you know what I mean. I have rung the debt company and got mad with them so many times i've lost count....we are £28,000 in debt and we need it sorting....

I don't feel as though the cousellor I am seeing is actually doing anything constructive to help me. I tell her all my woes and she just listens and thats it....she doesn't suggest anyways to deal with situations.

I am having at least one panic attack a day.

I am fed up of feeling so lonely and isolated. I don't even feel as though I am on this planet anymore....like I am standing here looking at someone elses life...

I can't do it anymore. I can't be a mum and a wife....I have sat here all afternoon thinking that all of them would be better off without me....I could seriously pack my bags and leave now....I even found myself standing at the level crossing before waiting for the train to go by. It was a high speed train and I thought... 'I wonder how much it would really hurt if I stood in front of one of those'

I cry nearly all day almost every day. There is always something to go against me...always something going wrong....something to throw be back in the deep end....and now I feel like I am drowning....

All I want is a normal life and to be happy. My kids would be better off without me. So would dh....whats the point of them having me around if I can't be normal???? I have resigned myself to the fact that I am never going to feel right again.

I am sat here in tears now hoping to god that I kiss my kids goodnight for the last time tonight......

I think your medication needs changing if you're still feeling like this. Or else you are not far enough into a regular course of it. Phone your doctor, tell her exactly what you tell people on here. The medication probably needs to be working well for you to get the best out of counselling. (Just my opinion BTW you don't have to listen)

Titania it takes time, commitment and patience to get over depression. You really need to continue with couselling and tell her how you're feeling. It's not going to happen overnight but eventualy it will happen. We've talked in length about this hun.
You have the power to get better and only you. I know it's hard but don't give up, you really need to push yourself through this.

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/life/debt/debt_fact_sheet_index.htm

Titiana, You do need to concentrate on one thing at a time and work on de stressing life.

I remember exactly the same thoughts when standing at the train station. Constant Panic attacks overtook my life and i rejected my DD because of that.

To deal with the debt I would recomend the citizens advice web page. I used these debt comapnies before and basically they only do what you can do yourself. The Citizen advice site has sample letters and I basically opied them and sent them to the creditors. Within weeks I had my debt reduced. We owed £48,000 in total on loans and credit cards and although we still owe alot, the repayments dont rule our lives anymore.

t, we chatted on the phone this morning and I hoped that I had been of some help. The offer is still there to ring, or write letters to people, I know that alot of your probs are anxiety related and this can be very cripling, theres nothing worse than being scared all the time, however these anxious thoughts are what lead to depression and low self worth. As i saidbefore the key is to challange these negative thoughts when they come into your head.There is no evidence to suggest that you are in any way a bad person, mother, wife etc.but you and only you are in charge of your destiny, only you can help yourself recover, make that appt at the gps your first step and work from there.

dd and ds2 are being sick now and I don't feel too great either. They are crying....I am crying.....FIL took ds1 to school for me. thank goodness its his week off so he has been able to do the school run for me.

I can't remember the last time I was happy all day and nothing went wrong, or someone being ill, or I get bad news. I am so pissed of I am getting cross with myself.

Dont let this out on yourself,Titania,you are being so brave for everyone. Try to look after yourself and know how much people care.I dont know you but am always thinking how you are-you have so much to deal with but are doing so very well.

Does DH know how your feeling? the best thing to do is to ask your g.p for some help or go to your councelor and blurt out everything im sure it wil at least get it off your chest a little, tell him/her you need help, if your contemplating suicide then you need help and your kids will not be better off without you the best thing ina kids life is a mum who loves them..please dont give up on yourself your life is worth more than that.

Have you rung any of those numbers for help yet, Titania?

i have tried to but whenever i do i end up in tears so bad i hang up before they even answer....they wouldnt be able to understand a word i say...

But you need to ring them and get the help that you're asking for. It doesn't matter if you're crying when you ring them, if you're going to get help you need to speak to someone. Or let one of us do it for you, or dh. It doesn't matter who rings, as long as someone does. Even if you start off in tears, they will understand you, you probably won't be the first person they have spoken to who is upset. Please, these are people who can help you - you owe it to yourself to let them.

Titania - I was a medical secretary to a Psychiatrist. Loads and loads of people felt like you did. I would quite often answer the phone to someone in tears and too upset to say anything, but I would just wait on the phone and let them tell me in their own time what they wanted to ask about. That's what I was there for.

I do hope you can find the courage to stay on the phone, as there are people there who can help you. I don't want this to sound harsh, but if you don't things won't change, and you aren't happy the way things are at the moment are you?

feeling very crap today and I don't even know why. I am so lethargic. I can barely even get up off the chair. I'm not even dressed yet DH has taken ds1 for a walk, ds2 is in bed and dd is still ill. I feel so crap....If i had the energy, I swear I would walk right out that door..... Everything is such hard work. I have done some housework and 3 loads of washing this morning, but its taken it out of me....

have you been eating or sleeping?

did you start back on the ADs again?
sounds like you have done plenty this morning; listen to your body and have a rest.

yes i have eaten. Like a pig! i am still on the ads too. I was going to go into town and buy the kids the incredibles video but there is only £3.49 in my bank account.... everythings such a bloody struggle.....

Bad day so far....I haven't stopped crying since I woke up. dd is still ill. Not being sick but still not eating so she is very lethargic and whingey. SIL has taken ds1 to school for me. In a week I have only been out once....on saturday to the post box and we went in the car as well so it didnt really count. I feel so trapped and suffocated and lonely.....very very lonely.....

DH is still grumpy for some reason and its upsetting me cos he wont tell me whats wrong. Its making me think that its something I have done. I cant do it anymore....

Ring those numbers and get help. You know that this won't go away on its own. If you can't ring the numbers then there are plenty of people who have offered to do it for you, all you have to do is ask. There's help available but you have to go and get it.

i don't think you'll stop feeling lonely or get your relationship with DH back on track though until you get the depression/anxiety/OCD under some sort of control. (you can tell where this is leading, can't you!!!). phone up and get a docs appointment. get them to change your meds. tell them about the OCD diagnosis. ask them to refer you to the CMHT. and write it all down before you go, and hand it over on a bit of paper to the doc as the starting point.

i can come and see you this week, if that would help? what do the ILs think? can they see something is wrong? are they telling you to get to the doctors?

Do you think those tablets are doing anything at all? If they're not then perhaps you need different ones. It can't be doing you any good to not go out. Are you sure you couldn't get DD in the buggy and go for a little walk round? Have you got a little shop in the village you could go to? A tiny bit of retail therapy can help, even if its only a packet of biscuits!

the double buggy is in the loft so i cant take her out. she wont walk as she is too weak. i have no money whatsoever to buy anything....

mts thanks. i might take you up on that sometime.

Titania do you have any vouchers ?

Sorry you are having such a bad time.

This is what i do when i have 3.49 in my bank account, which is very rare as it is usually bugger all. I bake. Go and see what you can buy for that ammount and cook something, it is a challenge, it takes up half the day and you feel like a good mummy after. How are you at carrying a child on your shoulders? Can you manage it? If not make plans for tomoorow and insure the buggy is out of the loft then you have no excuses.
The way i look at money is i am going to not have any for quite some time so i may aswell get on with it. No point in worrying about things you cant change. I am paying everything off slowly. This means i now dont get dissapointed as i know i cant do anything anyway. For instance today i am going to potter around my little tubs in my yard and tidy them up, then i am going to melt all my old candles to make a brand new one. Costs nothing and it keeps me ticking along nicely. God i do sound dull though.

Message withdrawn

Then i down a bottle of gin