Thats it. I have finally realised that I can't 'do' life anymore

[Titania]

yes me again.....don't really want replies, just need to vent

I have finally come to the conclusion I am a crap mum and crap wife (and don't say I'm not please). I am so fed up its unbelievable. DS1 has gone to a friends house to play. Its the first time I have ever let him go. DS2 is just screaming at me and so is DD cos I won't let her have chocolate, when her dinner is going to be ready in 5 minutes....ds1 hates me....he tells me he does. he backchats and throws things at me all the time. He has me in tears everyday.

we are so seriously in debt. The company who were supposed to be sorting it out for us has been promising to get it sorted within 2 weeks for the past 6 months. Now we are getting all the court summons'/baliffs calling etc and its just not funny anymore...not that it was in the first place but you know what I mean. I have rung the debt company and got mad with them so many times i've lost count....we are £28,000 in debt and we need it sorting....

I don't feel as though the cousellor I am seeing is actually doing anything constructive to help me. I tell her all my woes and she just listens and thats it....she doesn't suggest anyways to deal with situations.

I am having at least one panic attack a day.

I am fed up of feeling so lonely and isolated. I don't even feel as though I am on this planet anymore....like I am standing here looking at someone elses life...

I can't do it anymore. I can't be a mum and a wife....I have sat here all afternoon thinking that all of them would be better off without me....I could seriously pack my bags and leave now....I even found myself standing at the level crossing before waiting for the train to go by. It was a high speed train and I thought... 'I wonder how much it would really hurt if I stood in front of one of those'

I cry nearly all day almost every day. There is always something to go against me...always something going wrong....something to throw be back in the deep end....and now I feel like I am drowning....

All I want is a normal life and to be happy. My kids would be better off without me. So would dh....whats the point of them having me around if I can't be normal???? I have resigned myself to the fact that I am never going to feel right again.

I am sat here in tears now hoping to god that I kiss my kids goodnight for the last time tonight......

What sort of support do you have around you Titania?
Mum, friends, siblings?
Do any of them know you feel like this?
i know it's probably hardest to tell the people closest to you how you're feeling.
Can Citizens Advice help with sorting out your finances?
What about the bank?
£28,000 isn't that big a debt-you'd be surprised.
My dd1 says she hates me every day - I remember saying it to my mum!
You say you are having panic attacks, is it difficult for you to get out?
I suffered with them for years and I know you need support from somebody very patient and understanding.
I'm in SE london am I too far way to help?

titania - are you still there?

Titania, honey, you have every reason for living, you have children and a dh who adore you and whose lives you would screw up completely and forever if you gave in to these feelings. You love your children, and I know that you wouldn't want them to grow up without you in their lives. You are "normal" - depression isn't something that makes you abnormal in any way. This is not you talking, it's the depression - there must be at least a small part of you that realises that you are not worthless and that your life is an important one.

I know small things like the children screaming seem like insurmountable obstacles when you're depressed, but honestly, there is nothing in your life that can't be solved - and there is certainly nothing that would be solved by you throwing yourself under a train.

You have not been happy on this medication for a long while, I really think that the Cipralex doesn't suit you very well, but there are dozens of other medications out there which could help you, and which could help you to feel right and "normal" again. Please go back and see your GP, or use some of the numbers that Coddy found for you. Help is out there, but you can't just wait for it to come to you, you have to go out there and find it.

Am just picking dp's brains Titania on how far it is from mine to yours and if i could manage to get to you and back in a day.

nutty - if you live where you think I live, (SC) station to station is just over 2 hours.

i could do it in a day but probably not until next Monday as have literally run out of money this month

i mean where you think i live.. sigh

Titania are you still around?

let's hope that a thoughtless and insensitive post hasn't chased T away

Ahh right ok, thanks MTS. I could do it, but it would mean dp having the day off to take and colect older kids from school.

Will get him to check if he can have a day off when he goes in tommmorow. He has just had 2 weeks off though, but fingers crossed.

can you see T on MSN at all? she's not appearing on mine?

No she is showing as offline on mine too.

Start a thread asking if anyone has a phone no for her??

i will try her mobile now. just wanted to check in case nutty was in contact with her.

Titania please talk to us, are you still around?

I've got to go but Titania if you're lurking please let us know you're ok?

we're all here for you - and personally I'm a tough old nut and wouldn't waste time on someone I didn't think worthwhile. There you go - an alicatsg compliment. treasure it.

I have her mobile number but it is on my mobile which isn't working (again)

Don't even have her email addy anymore as had to have my computer wiped.

Mummytosteven: do you have an address for her??

no - nutty may do?

Titania last year i was very down, a series of unfortunate events left me lacking in any hope. I totally lost who i was and any self worth. I hated myself, thought i had nothing to offer anyone and thought i was totally screwing up my children. I was destroyed every morning when i woke up and i still had dreadful feelings at the pit of my stomach. I began to fold into myself and stop communicating properly, i just wanted to curl up in a ball and saw absolutely no future for myself. I thought it was ridiculous to even try as i was destined to fail.

If i at any of that time had given up hope entirely i would not be reaping the rewards of it now. I now appreciate feeling so low as everything in comparison is joyful to me. My kids got through me being a crap mum, they stand by you and love you. Once you take the bull by the horns and decide to yourself your not going to be a victim anymore. Your not going to waste the precious gift you have been given, things begin to fall into place. My relationships have never been better, and i actually like myself again.

I am telling you this because when i used to slump down the wall and rip my hair out screaming i never ever thought for one minute i would get to the otherside. I have and it was worth every minute of pain. I am so glad i kept strong and good things are pouring in.

Do it, decide to yourself you are as worthy as any other human being, we are all equal and you deserve to live your life to the full.

i only have her mobile no . never got her new addy
after she moved. have only been able to get thru to voicemail on her mobile.

Titania we all care about you more than you realise, please let us know you are alright...

Who was e mailing for vouchers etc for her new house? They must have address???

Her address was on my computer but i think i can remember it, apart from the postcode...is that any good to any one ??

That was me Blu

Do you know her RL name - first name and surname?