SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

simpson That's just sods law that it all goes pear shaped just when you thought it was going well. It does sound a little more positive tho, at least he can think and talk about your relationship.
daisy So sorry to hear about your divorce, I know you are worried about the impact on him but you may find you all get some sense of closure and it may benefit you all. Don't feel guilty, you didn't take it all lightly and you obviously gave him all the support you could.
PLP I really hope the ADs help you to feel a bit better and be able to tackle the HUGE amount of things you have to cope with. I can't believe you haven't needed this kind of help before. I have a friend whose DH used to rely on the green stuff as well as having depression ( I think the two go hand in hand) He only stopped because his best friend (also a smoker) became schitzophrenic ( sp?? ) and he was so frightened it would happen to him. Hopefully, he will find the support he needs at the clinic and will make good progress, you can't have your DC growing up in that sort of environment. Hope your side affects pass soon, it must be hard but think long term. (((hugs)))
Things here are ok-ish. I think the SJW are helping, I do feel more positive. DH is ok but really tired from the long hours he has to do. We have had a few flash points (when he is tired we all walk on eggshells and he snaps at us and has no patience) Unfortunately I feel that I can't be bothered with him and we are drifting apart. He's only concerned about the lack of sex and not the reasons why, perhaps that's a normal male reaction!!! I don't really understand why I'm not gagging for it and basically a sex goddess to him!!??!! can you...

Hi all and a huge apology for not being around recently.

Simpson - so soryy it's all gone tits up again, how's things now?

PLP - hope that you are getting clear of the side efects of your ADs and they are beginning to help you see your way through the muck and mire you've been putting up with for so long. How is everything at home now?

I'll try better to keep coming back but am struggling to put my life in order and DH seems to be slipping again even though he's on ADs.

love nad hugs to you all xxxxxxxxxx

empress - feel free to rant to us if you need to we are always here

Hope the ADs work for your DH

Things much better here. Me and DH had a good talk for the first time in ages.

I have the opportunity to go to Poland in June for a few days (my yongest bro is studying there) and am umming and ahhing about going to visit him.

DH has been honest with me and doesn't feel he can cope with both DCs alone (better than his usual "I'm fine!" so my mum will have DD and DH wll take a few days holiday and spend time with just DS but I still worry as I will be so far away.

It's a big step but a) June is a long way off and DH has improved so much in the last month even so hopefully he will be a bit better then

b) my mum is only 20 mins drive away and has said she will check up on hm (she knows everything

c) I guess I have to trust him sometime and I could so do with the break...

Can't take DS as he will miss pre school and can't take DD has she has soooo many allergies I won't necessarily know what she is eating there iyswim.

((hugs)) to all, thinking of everyone...

Hello everyone.

Just wondering if this thread is still active.

Simpson, you may not recognise me (as you supported me when I was under an alias) but you, and others, were a big support to me just before Christmas and recommended this thread. I have decided to "out" myself (that's if anyone recognises my real name ) and ask for some mutual support as me so... my name is Youknownithingofthecrunch and my dh has been depressed for a very long time.

I don't want to do all this alone anymore.

I'll post more if this thread is active.

Hope you're all ok.

Hi youknownothingofthecrunch

Yes this thread does go quiet from time to time...

Glad I could help

How are things now?

Sorry your DH is depressed. It is incredibly hard and I would not wish it on anyone TBH.

Things not too bad here but every time I say that thing things go wrong. Grrr...

Although DH is having to do a lot of overtime at work because we need the money which with his meds makes him very tired...

Ho hum...

Hi Simpson

I was NeedyW (feel free to search, don't really want to link to the thread), have also posted as someone else more recently in reply to H posting on here. I didn't want to post as me because I wanted to keep my name as my escapism I suppose. It doesn't really make sense.

DH (not sure if I should drop the d or not) has depression and is passive aggressive. I asked him to move out before Christmas - and he did, but somehow he ended up coming home again and things have gotten worse and worse since January.

Have just been researching emotional abuse and it describes his behaviur exactly. He withholds affection, promises he loves me, tells me my tears are childish, accuses me of trying to manipulate him, tells me I'm lying, twists the truth, apologises constantly but never stops doing the things he has apologises for (will often repeat them within hours of the last apology), ignores me, avoids me, tells me he finds it "too hard" to be around me because I make him sad, gets unjustifiably angry with me.

On the plus side he's done a lot more housework since January (mostly to avoid being near me)

I'm having a baby in April. I've asked him to move out for the foreseeable future, and he's going a week Sunday. I just showed him the definitions of emotional abuse and he looked utterly shocked (it really could have been written about him).

He says he's sorry again, but I know he won't change. He's on 40mg Citalopram. I don't think it's working anymore, his behaviour is so uncontrolled and eratic and he says he feels really disjointed from me and the fact that our family is being split up. He'll just sit there staring while I'm falling apart in front of him. No reaction at all

It's been really hard. At least my GP knows now so I can get some support. Everything revolves around him and his problems and he can't offer me even a fraction of what I've given him. Am very down now and could scream at myself for not protecting myself sooner. The dcs are going to be gutted that he is moving out.

I'm swinging between feeling determined and resigned about everything to collapsing and crying.

I've put so much into helping him and ultimately he won't help himself. I can't do it for him.

Glad to hear things aren't too bad for you. Wish I could stop whinging now

I do remember you

Congrats on baby BTW..

Sorry things are so tough ATM.

When he was on ADs before what was he on then?

I know what you mean about there is only so much that you can do, they need to do it themselves...

I used to find the days ok when I moved out, but it was the evenings that got me down as no Dcs around to distract me...

Had an awful shock today over something so little.

I over slept this morning and both Dcs had injections so was in a rush to get to docs etc..DH was at work doing over time, not due back till 9pm.

When I got home I could see from half way down street that the kitchen light was on and my heart sank immediately thinking DH has walked out of work etc saying he can't cope

I walked into house all ready for confrontation to realise I had left the light on before going out But it just shows what is fore front on my mind first iyswim.

Very glad it wasn't what you feared, but so sad that that's the fear

He's only ever been on citalopram (first 20mg, then up to 40, then quit without help, back to 20 in Nov, then back up to 40 just before Christmas). It seemed to be working, but then he became more and more cold and distant and now he is angry or crying as much as before he was on anything. He's doing his usual denial that anything is wrong and saying they're fine, but his behaviour is not stable at all. Perhaps I'm expecting too much, but he does admit his overwhelming feelings are detachedness and sadness, which surely the ADs should be aleviating.

I am looking forward to my world being a bit more level. Everything is so up and down (and always heading further down). I was reading an analogy of being with an emotionally abusive, depressed person, like putting money in a fruitmachine, earlier; you keep putting money in and every once in a while there's the smallest of payouts so you put more and more and more in, until you're so indebt that you're down to your last few pennies, but if you walk away you've put in all that money already and the big payout might be the next go. (If that ramble made any sense ) That is exactly how I feel. I have given so much of myself to the man that I love, and he has done nothing but take and make promises (all broken), and now I'm ill and he can't bring himself to care let alone offer comfort and support. But I've invested everything I had in him and in us, and the only way I can protect myself is to walk away

My self-esteem and self-worth are non-existent right now. How could he say he loves me and I'm the most important thing in the world to him, and just throw me away so easily?

Oops - dangerously heading into self-pity there. Stop that immediately (do you think if I put enough smilies up then that'll make it all better? ?)

I'll put a few smiles for you too

Level is always good!!

That's what I aim for TBH.

What do his parents say about it all? Or are they in denial?

DH's mum did not even know he was ill as his sisters didn't want to worry her

He told them last week, and my mum spoke to MIL a few days ago. Unfortunately MIL was under the impression that I was asking him to move out because I was ill (and he was better). She does have a habit of getting the wrong end of the stick, so I'm not sure if he has misinformed her or she has made up her own mind - either could be true. But my mum told her that H was still very ill and that the separation was to give us both space to sort things out (she thought we were splitting up for good, which although it might be true is not the plan).

I get the feeling they're not going to be as supportive as they could be - nice as they are H got his PA straight from his mother.

Thanks for smiles, here's a few more Better already

Thanks for the support today. I feel quite naked under my "real" name, but also like it's another psychological step towards getting the "real" me some help

I have to accept that H is not going to support me - which means squashing the part of me that is screaming out for him to show he cares. I don't want to hate him, but I do resent the unfairness of it all. It makes me very angry and frustrated which isn't helpful at all.

You are bound to feel angry etc...

Even harder because you are pg.

Think DD was 6 or 7mths when I left DH. We lived apart for nearly 3mths. DS is now 3.5 and he just thought it was a holiday...

TBH DD was part of the reason as all she did was cry all day, no exaggeration from birth. Enough to send anyone mad!! DH still finds her hard work now too. She is what is called a "high maintenance" baby

I think you have to agknowledge what/how you feel etc rather than try to bottle it up easier said than done, I know.

One thing that helped me was to start writing a journal, which I still keep now

Funnily enough I sort of have been already. I've been writing things down when there's no one to listen.

I really hope I have a low maintenance baby

youknownothingofthecrunch - how are you getting on??

Hi Simpson, had a bit of a break. DH (or H, I don't know) left last night. It hasn't really sunk in yet. I don't even know what it is that he has to do to come back. But I'm hoping a bit of stability in my life will help.

Guess all you can do is take it one day at a time...

Thinking of you, tis a horrid thing to be going through

So far it's ok. I am sad and lonely, but relieved that any anger or hurt he may be feeling can't be taken out on me.

I very much want him home, but I think I'm beginning to accept that that is months away.

One day at a time it is. Hope things are still ok at your end.

Things not too bad here.

But it is hard building up the trust again especially after the awful things he said/did (which he doesn't even remember )

I have been back with him since Oct and still panic and think he could get ill again....

He is still on medication and probably will be for at least another year...but he is good about taking it at least...

TBH I think it took him very nearly losing everything to see what he does have iyswim.

Hope you are ok...

One week down and I am quietly optimistic. He's been completely civil (been swapping the dcs every day) and mature about the whole thing. I was worried he'd just get really angry, but so far he seems to be dealing with it well. Just a shame he hasn't been to the GP yet to even discuss his meds But that is not my responsibility.

I think he's floundering a little without someone to tell him what to do and when, but it's the only way he'll work it all out for himself, I really believe that.

As for me I feel like a different person. I really do. I can't quite believe the place I was in a couple of weeks ago. I'm starting counselling this week alone, as well as going to Relate on Thursday, so hoping I can not let this get on top of me.

Completely empathise with the nasty things said and then forgotten I'm hoping couples counselling will help me get over some of those things.

Hello ladies, so sorry I've not been around - we all seem to have been hit with one illness after another over the past couple of months, roll on the spring!!

Well, DH is still taking his meds, he completed the six one-on-one sessions at the clinic which is good. However, he has now been told he can attend the group sessions whenever he feels up to it - two weeks down the line and he hasn't gone... He's still smoking and its starting to turn into a problem again - I hid his stuff the other day and wouldn't let him have it and he freaked and went to bed ;o( He hasn't been sleeping properly at all. I'm beginning to wonder if I will be a single parent too in the next few months if he doesn't get a handle on things. He was meant to go to the local community mental health clinic but wouldn't go last week, very annoying. Although things haven't been really bad, I feel like we're stuck again and I'll be the one to get us out of this yet again. I'm taking my ad's too and its giving me a sense of being able to cope a little better, although nothing will change the circumstances we're in. So I guess there's not really much to report in terms of progress ;o( I've told him that things need to have changed by April (I know its not an overnight thing), we seem to be getting closer to that deadline without any sign of things changing I'm afraid .

Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time crunch but you'd done the right thing, hope you continue to feel better about things. Simpson, thinking of you too - and all the other ladies on here ((((((hugs))))))

Purple - good to hear from you...

Hope things are a bit better for you. Good idea to have a deadline i think, but gets scary when it gets close to it

Crunch - how are you??

Things okish here but dreaded MIL is coming to visit from Ireland for a week in April and I am hoping that it won't set us back....

Purple sorry you're having a tough time. Smoking while on meds can't be a good idea. How're things now?

Simpson - I see you have an irish MIL too wonder if there's a link?

H has been gone a month. Funnily enough the guy he had moved in with has had enough of his untidiness and has asked him to move out

Things between us have been a lot better in the past week (after a horrific fortnight) so I'm going to let him stay here (as a guest in my home) for a few days while he sorts somewhere else. This will be a real test of how much he is "pretending" to be nice and how much he is actually trying to change. First sign of any anger and he's going to a B&B.

He has also switched his medication this week from Citalopram to mirtazapine - but his mood seems to be holding out so far (although it does make him very very sleepy, hoping this will wear off soon)

He has also spoken to his GP (with me there) about getting CBT and anger management as well as his counselling, so that's in the pipeline too.

He has been admitting to his behaviour towards me and comforting me when I am sad.

I still feel wary around him and am keeping my emotional distance. I've also started counselling for me too now. Which is helping me see his illness it's not my fault or responsibility.

So all positive, but very very very early days.

Crunch - hoping things are going ok...

DH is still on medication and it makes him very tired. He says the worst part of the day is about 3-4pm if he is at home he normally has to lie down for an hour or so...GP has said he will probably be on medication for a year or so.

Purple - How are you? Glad you feel your AD's are helping....

Hello ladies, how have you been? Have been thinking of you... Sorry haven't been around - it all kicked off here!!! DH started behaving very badly, smoking even more, then he self-harmed saying I made him do it because of the ultimatum, then he changed his mind and said he was punishing himself for shouting at me.

Then to cut a long story short, I gave him two weeks to find somewhere else to live. I didn't want us to split up but I knew he couldn't sort himself out here - my DS (15) had told me how much he hated living with DH and his addiction and even admitted to trying some himself so I knew I needed to do something. When I confronted DH about it, he accepted it and said it was time to stand up, be a man and do the right thing for the family. So, we treated it like a project, looking for properties etc but I made it clear he had to do the work (phonecalls etc) as I've always taken care of things. It was about time he went away and learnt how to be responsible for himself before he could come back and be responsible for this family.

In that two weeks, his attempts were somewhat half-hearted. Looking back, I truly believe he didn't think I'd go through with it but I had to, for my own self-respect, not just for the kids. Anyway, the two weeks were up and he still hadn't found anywhere - he had run out of smoke and took a load of diazepam so I called NHS direct. They said to call the local community mental health team who told me to call an ambulance (he was just below the toxicity levels) and that they might take him to be assessed. I'll admit I desperately wanted them to section him, I was in a right state! They came within minutes but he managed to talk them and the CMHT that he was fine and that he just wanted to sleep the tablets off. He was annoyed that I had wasted their time!!!!!

So, the next day, I told him he had to go - he arranged to stay at a friends but unbeknown to me it was only meant to be one night. I said he could come back the next day to collect his stuff but when he came back he started again saying he couldn't stay there as they smoked too. He then threatened suicide and I honestly believed him this time - I watched him walk out the gate and I honestly thought I'd sent him to his death and I was hysterically crying. Later that afternoon he was seen by DS in the area and he popped by asking for a cup of tea - I was LIVID with him!!! He begged to stay in the shed as he has been homeless before and was pissed on and set on fire and couldn't face being on the streets again. So, I caved in but told him to leave me alone - rang my mum to talk and she stepped in and insisted they put him up in a hotel for the weekend (it was bank holiday) provided he get help on the tuesday and keep away from me.

So, the Tuesday came, and he went to the council but they couldn't help (hostel full), so he then went to my parents for help !!!! Couldn't believe it, was a bit nervous about them getting involved in our marriage as I've had clashes with my mum before. I have to say she was fantastic and he has been clean for almost 6 weeks now. He stayed there for almost a month, came home a couple of weeks ago and has been going to all his appointments etc and arranging them himself. He's still not well but its too early to tell if its the illness or the effects of having smoked for so many years. He still has bad days and we had another suicide thing the other day - I just ignored him! I swore that day (before) that I would never again believe him if he threatened suicide. I'm still learning to detach myself from him - I've been his enabler for too long and now I just want to be his wife. I think I can cope with his mental health issues provided he isn't smoking and chosing to make it a million times worse. He has even signed up to a course in September for computer engineering!!! He's ticking all the boxes and says he never wants to smoke that stuff again. I'm careful not to be walking on cloud nine as I've been so hurt in the past and I find it hard to trust him but so far so good...

So, thats what has been happening here!! Didn't mean to go into so much detail but at the same time there is so much more to tell of course!

Have been meaning to update you all for ages, hope you're all coping OK?

PLP xxxx

Hello ladies, how have you been? Have been thinking of you... Sorry haven't been around - it all kicked off here!!! DH started behaving very badly, smoking even more, then he self-harmed saying I made him do it because of the ultimatum, then he changed his mind and said he was punishing himself for shouting at me.

Then to cut a long story short, I gave him two weeks to find somewhere else to live. I didn't want us to split up but I knew he couldn't sort himself out here - my DS (15) had told me how much he hated living with DH and his addiction and even admitted to trying some himself so I knew I needed to do something. When I confronted DH about it, he accepted it and said it was time to stand up, be a man and do the right thing for the family. So, we treated it like a project, looking for properties etc but I made it clear he had to do the work (phonecalls etc) as I've always taken care of things. It was about time he went away and learnt how to be responsible for himself before he could come back and be responsible for this family.

In that two weeks, his attempts were somewhat half-hearted. Looking back, I truly believe he didn't think I'd go through with it but I had to, for my own self-respect, not just for the kids. Anyway, the two weeks were up and he still hadn't found anywhere - he had run out of smoke and took a load of diazepam so I called NHS direct. They said to call the local community mental health team who told me to call an ambulance (he was just below the toxicity levels) and that they might take him to be assessed. I'll admit I desperately wanted them to section him, I was in a right state! They came within minutes but he managed to talk them and the CMHT that he was fine and that he just wanted to sleep the tablets off. He was annoyed that I had wasted their time!!!!!

So, the next day, I told him he had to go - he arranged to stay at a friends but unbeknown to me it was only meant to be one night. I said he could come back the next day to collect his stuff but when he came back he started again saying he couldn't stay there as they smoked too. He then threatened suicide and I honestly believed him this time - I watched him walk out the gate and I honestly thought I'd sent him to his death and I was hysterically crying. Later that afternoon he was seen by DS in the area and he popped by asking for a cup of tea - I was LIVID with him!!! He begged to stay in the shed as he has been homeless before and was pissed on and set on fire and couldn't face being on the streets again. So, I caved in but told him to leave me alone - rang my mum to talk and she stepped in and insisted they put him up in a hotel for the weekend (it was bank holiday) provided he get help on the tuesday and keep away from me.

So, the Tuesday came, and he went to the council but they couldn't help (hostel full), so he then went to my parents for help !!!! Couldn't believe it, was a bit nervous about them getting involved in our marriage as I've had clashes with my mum before. I have to say she was fantastic and he has been clean for almost 6 weeks now. He stayed there for almost a month, came home a couple of weeks ago and has been going to all his appointments etc and arranging them himself. He's still not well but its too early to tell if its the illness or the effects of having smoked for so many years. He still has bad days and we had another suicide thing the other day - I just ignored him! I swore that day (before) that I would never again believe him if he threatened suicide. I'm still learning to detach myself from him - I've been his enabler for too long and now I just want to be his wife. I think I can cope with his mental health issues provided he isn't smoking and chosing to make it a million times worse. He has even signed up to a course in September for computer engineering!!! He's ticking all the boxes and says he never wants to smoke that stuff again. I'm careful not to be walking on cloud nine as I've been so hurt in the past and I find it hard to trust him but so far so good...

So, thats what has been happening here!! Didn't mean to go into so much detail but at the same time there is so much more to tell of course!

Have been meaning to update you all for ages, hope you're all coping OK?

PLP xxxx

PLP - good to hear from you

Sorry you have been through such a tough time with DP but hopefully you can now turn a corner

And hopefully he knows you mean business. Good that you are detaching too. For your sanity iyswim.

Well, things kicked off here too

D H started saying he could not cope etc (again!!) did not want to go to work etc despite being one step away from written warning for sickness/days off etc. refused to take meds etc.

A couple of times had to threaten him with divorce to get him to work!! I knew if he didn't go he would just give up on life iyswim (as well as worry over mortgage etc)

A couple of times he left house and I assumed he had been at work and he bowled in a few hrs later saying he had phoned in sick and had lied to me and either been in pub or walking round park etc.

Was sooo sick of living on egg shells (with 2 very young DCs - the youngest was getting frightened of being with him ) that I told him we needed some space and he had to go back to Ireland (where he is from). TBH I wanted to see how I felt with him away, whether I missed him etc.

Well he left on May 12th and the sense of relief was amazing TBH.

I have braved it and told H it is over He came back on Wed to see kids and left to go back to ireland today. He came with BIL as he is not well enough to travel by himself

TBH was shocked when I saw him, he has got really bad which maybe makes it easier for me...would have been hard if he had bowled in "normal" iyswim. But also feel guilty like I have caused it

Now the decision is what he does next. He still has a job here (came over for meeting with them) He either comes back and gets flat or (which seems more likely) he stays in Ireland and I have kids full time.

Now am in situation where I hope I get enough benefits to keep house and although I miss the person he was TBH I know I have made the right decision.

Just hope the DCs don't hate me when they are older