SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CHOOGIRL - so glad he came back home. What a relief for you.

DH is doing well ATM (don't want to get my hopes up though) but is struggling in the evenings as the combination of being back at work and the medication he is on makes him very tired. He has been going to bed at 8.30 some nights.

Guess the real test will be when GP thinks he is well enough to manage without any medication...but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Still finding it hard to forgive everything that he put me through...but guess it is still very early days.

Thinking of everyone....

Choogirl - am with you on the heartless front. I feel like that all the tme, but as you say they are adults and can look after themselves. We have enough to deal with running the house, looking after the children, shopping, washing, cleaning, working blah, blah, blah. You have to be a bit selfish sometimes and look after yourself. How are things with DP back at home?

Simpson- glad things are going better. Love your new nick name 'ihatelazytown' too. Why oh why do the LOs like it so much. I also know how you feel - not being able to forgive the hurt they've caused you, still feeling it myself (((hugs to you)))

DH seems to be doing a bit better now they have increased his ADs. Bit more chatty, able to cope with the world, etc.

Hugs and thoughts to you all xxx

Hi

Just wondering how everyone is getting on?

All good here (for the moment ) but DH REALLY struggling on medication and working full time. He just gets home and sinks in to a coma. (Not helped by shift work)

He is going to doc on tuesday, hopefully nothing drastic will happen ie stopping ALL medication.

Dcs have been ill too which has not helped...thought I had DD sussed allergy wise but she was screaming/straining this morning s God knows what it is this time!!

DS had sore ear?throat too

Hi Simpson - how are your DCs? Hope they are feeling better and things are going well at the moment. Good news/bad news about your DH. Glad he's still taking the meds and working. Hope his appt with the docs goes OK.

My DH has had his ADs increased and I thought things were slowly improving. Then last week he had a really bad time sleeping, so he started hitting the bottle. This is what happened last time he went into a spiral. He's drinking more than he should and knows that he shouldn't but I keep telling myself he is 31 and should be able to take care of himself. I hate feeling like his mother. Work is going well for him, he's back full time and seems to be doing well. He is kinda partcipating in family life but sometimes it feels like he picks which bits to be involved in. He went out to a leaving do fri night and rolled back in at 8 o'clock sat morning. I refused to let him go to bed and made him stay up and be a father. WE had decided to drop DS nap this weekend as he has been waking early and I really needed help with that!!

Anyway, hope all is well with everyone else.

Hugs and thoughts to you all

xxx

Hi everyone, haven't been on here for a long while, hope everyone is getting on OK.
Will read some of the latest posts to catch up with everyone.
We are all OK here, up and down, but finally yesterday (bad episode and referral made 2 months ago!) DH got seen by a psychologist who told him he def had bi polar and was very upset that he wasn't diagnosed earlier!! He wanted him to go into hospital for 2 weeks to get help, OMG, of course he didn't want to leave us so he was given medication to see how he reacts.
I just hope they help, as we worry so much about side effects and long term use. But his rollecoaster moods are again killing me!
Another thing being that we almost have no love life, how do you girls cope with that? tbh when he gets nasty, last thing I want is to get romantic, and with this meds he's just tired all the time, oh dear...
anyway better go.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx to everyone

Hi all, sorry I've not been around much, have been really low and fed up with being the 'responsible adult' all the time! Went to the consultants and it was ok but confirmed what DH said about the last visit - they only offer CBT in groups; but this time DH said he might be able to manage it. The next lot isn't until next year so still a long wait. Also, he will be assigned a support worker in the new year which will help. Since that appointment, DH has gone down-hill and has got much worse. I took him to the gp on monday and he wasn't happy - he had a panic attack right there in the waiting room. It was our family GP and DH, me and DD2 all had appointments so DH sat like a zombie while me and DD2 got seen. I suggested that perhaps he needed to have a larger dose of citalopram as he seemed to plateau, then went downhill. GP disagreed and said he would just get more side-affects. Bit gutted as these are the first ad's that seemed to work with DH, shame it only lasted a couple of months . Then the GP asked what DH does to relax and it all suddenly hit me, call it an epiphany if you will: WE HAVE COME TO THE DOCTORS FOR HELP TO BE BETTER PARENTS. I've been so miserable lately and yes part of that is due to DH's illness but some of it could be hormonal. I'm willing to try whatever I can to put things right and try to get back to being who I really am, for the kids sake as well as my own. DH was talking about playing computer games (hardly see him as he's always attached to the computer, and my dad paying for a new one didn't help). I piped up and said "tell him what you really do to relax!!!" He wasn't happy but admitted his problem with cannabis. The gp of course said that it made sense and explained how the cannabis is probably preventing the ad's from doing their job. He was brill and really confronted DH in the right way about it all. He told us about a centre near-by that does a walk-in clinic for people just like DH. His initial reaction on leaving the surgery wasn't good and neither was mine - I didn't intend on blabbing like that but the gp can't help if he doesn't have all the information. I was furious with DH too as he dismissed the offer of help. Up until now, his illness has been out of his control but this was an offer of help and it was in his control to take the help...
After a day or so and a feeble attempt on giving up on his own, he has agreed (without my persuasion) to go to the clinic on Monday and asked me to call the place and get information etc.
I feel really distant from him and everybody and can't seem to get any motivation to sort out this mess of a house. I think I'm managing to cover it up to the DC's but really need to give myself a kick up the backside. DD2 has had some medical problems and is teething so I'm concentrating on that for now but I'm exhausted. He's meant to be a grown up too, not just me!! If we didn't have such good times inbetween the awful times then it wouldn't be worth it. He's normaslly my best friend but I just don't feel like talking to him at the moment.

Sorry this post is all me, me, me but I really needed to get it all off my chest to people who might understand a bit of how I feel. Maybe once af has been and gone I might feel a bit better, hope so anyway.

Will pop back soon and sorry again, am horrified at myself for being so selfish.

Hi all

We are ok here (except the usual coughs and colds) DH still doing well at work. He has been taken off his sleeping tablets at night now (only on anti psycotic) and has struggled to sleep. Last night he fell asleep at 2am and slept till 8am, which although 6hrs in one block is still not great for him as 6hrs can easily become 5 etc etc...

He has his first counciling session on 24th November so will be interesting to see how that goes.

DD (9mths) is REALLY hard work constantly whinging/crying etc which was one of the triggers for DH last time. She has been ill (lost weight etc)so been crying even more than usual so its a worry and want to keep her quiet for DH although he says the constant crying is not bothering him....

((hugs)) to all...thinking of everyone.

Hi there,

I wanted to say hello and say how pleased I am to find this thread. I am sorry I haven't had time to read the thread in any detail but it has gladdened me to find people who are going through situation similar to my own (although I'm not glad that anyone has to deal with this iyswim) Anyway dh suffers from depression, pretty severe but isn't on medication at the moment. He has been in the past but has done really well to come off them since ds was born 2 1/2 years ago. We have had a tough 18 months, redundancy, new job, moving area, buying a new house, etc.... so it has only been recently that the dust has settled. Dh has become lower and lower, exhaustingly so, angry, unhappy and liable to fly of the handle at any innocent remark, storm off, threaten to divorce me, etc... etc... It is getting so exhausting and I feel totally worn out by it. No matter what I do there are always holes picked in it, criticisms levelled and fault found, bad wife, rubbish mother, useless housekeeper, etc... I feel like I am walking on eggshells the whole time and feel so frustrated. This is not the loving, caring man I know and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I am in so much pain watching his pain and at the end of my tether with him.

I had to have a break and went to see my friend the other weekend, I needed a couple of days away. I wish in many ways I hadn't gone as I have been made to suffer since, constant accusations, calling me selfish and thoughtless for leaving him alone for the weekend. I just want to shout at him, beat some sense into him, tall him to open his eyes and look at this wonderful world he lives in, how lucky we are and how much love, pleasure and excitement are out there directed at him. Instead I feel like I am drowning under a barrage of verbal and emotional abuse and don't know what to do. He tells me how low he is but won't tell the doctor as he doesn't want to go back on AD owing to the side effects.

I am sorry for the long post but it feels good to articulate how I'm feeling. There is no one that I can turn to in rl (maybe not strictly accurate but I am too proud to ask for help and I supposed embarrassed in many ways) and I am scared that ds will start to pick up on the atmosphere and it will affect him. I worry it already does as often we are doing something as dh will criticise and complain about it, rubbishing my parenting skills and leaving me feeling angry and frustrated.

Hi Klio

Welcome

I have found this thread an absolute life saver when things are bad as you can rant/talk to people who are in the same/similar situation.

So sorry that you are going through this and trying to shield a Dc from everything, it is an awful juggling act.

Have to go and bath a wriggling Lo, but ((hugs)) to you....

Well things gone totally tits up here and feel like I am back to square one.

Am so upset

DH says I am too strong for him and he cannot cope. He won't go to work tomorrow and says he needs a break.Everything is too stressful.

He thinks me and him need a break from each other but he won't move out. I am not going to uproot Dcs again especially when DS has started school.

Main worry is financial. I am a SAHM and don't earn any money. Don't know what to do....

Hi all and welcome to Kilo

Purple - so good to hear from you again, I was beginning to worry and I still am...have you spoken to the docs about how you feel? I don't want to upset you but have you considered you might be a little depressed yourself. You have had soooo much to deal with over the last few months it would hardly be surprising. Post natal depression (don't know how old you LO's are)? Or just plain fed up with all the crap you have been putting up with? How is your hip? and how are your DCs? I'm so sorry that your DH rejected the idea of the walk-in clinic for support to stop the cannabis...has he reconsidered? (((((hugs))))) keep in touch hun

Simpson - was going to say 'yay' until I read your most recent post . So sorry things have gone tits up with your DH. When did you move back in, understand not wanting to move and upsetting your DCs schooling. Is there anywhere you can suggest DH can go and stay for a while? Or will he think you are trying to get rid of him? Sorry i don't have any advice but (((((hugs))))) to you too hun

Kilo - your story sounds the same as many of ours on here, so welome and hope you find it as much as a support as I have. The girls on here are sooo strong in coping with their situations, I just feel lke jacking it all in and running away. I too hate to feel like I'm walking around on eggshells, and whilst things are pretty level here at the moment, I have had many accusations levelled at me this year that hurt and angered me. Sometimes I sit and ask myself why I am still in this marriage as there is no intimacy any more. So keep posting, ranting, whatever helps and we will be here to listen.

love and hugs to you all. Chin up
xxx

Empress - thanks How are you??

Dh had been taken off his evening medication about a week ago and maybe its a knock on effect from that... I don't know

I have to say one thing about DH, he will now ask for help. He wants to go to docs tomorrow...which is good.

He is finding DD very stressful ATM...so am I!! She cries a lot and has had some health problems recently.

Have been ranting/sobbing/posting to my post natal group on MN who have been fab and someone on there recommended a book for people with bi polar and partners too. It's called Feeling good the new mood therapy by David Burns.

I have not read it but her partner at the time was bi polar and she said it was fab...am going to library to order it tomorrow!!

Hi Simpson

I'm plodding along (as my mum puts it). DH Ok since they increased his ADs, when I say OK I mean he is very level - no forward or backward mood movement. Things between us are staid, we talk as friends and agree on the care/upbringing of DS but there is no intimacy between us. We haven't talked about his depression for a while so I'm not sure how he is feeling, but I have stopped walking on eggshells at the moment.

DH went away with work today and won't be back til Thurs next week, so things are calm and I have the bed to myself without DH huffing about how he can't sleep (his main problem at the mo).

Glad your DH is seeking help, sorry the docs have stopped his meds. Do they know how he is without them? Do they realise he still needs them or is this part of their plan to reduce them/stop them? Has he gone back to work yet?

Sorry to hear your DD is still not well? I thought the docs thought she had a food intolerance? Did this not solve any of her problems? Have you taken her back to the docs?

So manyy questions, it's been so long since I caught with this thread. Have become addicted to Facebook so not logged on here for a while.

hugs to you all
xxx

simpson - forgot to say glad your PN group is helping and hope you find the book useful

Empress - Dh was back at work for about 4 wks and coping fine so the next stage was to reduce meds I guess...The evening medication was supposed to be short term, the morning - (anti psychotic is longer)

Our GP is very good actually so he will see her tomorrow.

DD went to see pead last week and he is not convinced she has dairy intolerance but she has skin tags on bum so when she strains it is VERY sore ie all the crying!! Have got medication to help her so fingers X

I know what you mean about intimacy DH been on sofa for weeks (since I moved back) TBH the main reason is I want him to sleep well and I might have to get up with Dcs in the night, but it does make things rather distant between us iyswim.

He had some evening medication left over and I made him take one...the improvement in him was amazing so maybe that is the answer...but as the GP said to be its only a short term answer, but we will see.

Hi there, just a quick message to say thanks for your lovely words of encouragement and I'm so sorry to hear what has been going on with you Simpson. I know that every time dh meds were changed there was some kind of knock on effect moodwise so maybe it would fit?

I also know what you mean re: intimacy empress, we are the same, friendly and civil but nothing else. I tend to sleep in spare room so he can have a good night's sleep, but all I can think is that this is not what marriage is about iyswim.

Anyway I had better go as ds is poorly with a shocker of a cold atm and being very mopy and wanting cuddles.

p.s. also addicted to Facebook atm!!

Dh has appointment at the GP's at 5.15.Am waiting with dread for him to come home...

Am convinced GP will say he is not well enough for work and he will see that as an excuse iyswim. Think the best thing for DH ATM is to go to work and have some normality.

How does he know what he can cope with if he doesn't try it??

Hi girls.
Simpson, I am so sorry to hear about your DH, is it bipolar what he has? that is the same as my DH.
He has been on medication for nearly 2 weeks, but gets very drowsy and today he was shouting at me a lot, it's not really making much difference, not sure if he will tell the doctor, cause the thing is, when I say to him, he still appears the same, he disagrees completely and thinks I nag too much.
I honestly don't, and I feel bad that he thinks I'm there just for nagging and annoying him. I feel we both had fallen out of love with each other, I feel like that sometimes, would love to do marriage counselling but can't afford it atm, I know we must get the disorder sorted first.
It might sound selfish but in a way I sometimes think why me, why do I have to put up with being trated like shit sometimes cause of these mood swings.... Mmmmm, sorry about the long moan...
Take care and hugs to everyone...

PWF - we don't have a diagnosis yet He has an assessment on 24th Nov which may or may not give one.

The problem with his medication is he is either very tired and says his brain feels slow struggles at work etc or if he doesn't take it he is agitated and liable to make off the cuff decisions ie yesterday we were over, he doesn't want to f**k up the Dcs and bring them down etc.

He is going to work tomorrow and we will see what happens. My mum bless her is very good and said while he is like this just let him cope with work and nothing else ie chores in house/stress etc. She is right but it is hard on me.

I am just like you. I look back to my wedding day (only 2yrs ago) and think I did not sign up for this sh*t Also sometimes think it would be easier to start again while Dcs are small

Oh well onwards and upwards...hopefully!!

Hello.

I am very worried that my DH is becoming clinically depressed again. He suffered a while back & I posted occassionally under a name change. Had AD's , took redundancy, eventually got through it & got a new job. New job was a mistake - not the job, the company, who treat everyone badly & completely screwed us up. He was "contract terminated" as approaching 1 year employment (as we found they do regularly) and has now been at home looking for 3 months. The money worries and lack of new job offer are getting to him. I really think he is sinking fast and just can't do much more than not let him see me cry.

Just founs this threrad and you are someone I can talk to.

Thanks for listening.

Milliways - Sorry your DH is getting more depressed again It is such a worry to be stressed about money, mortgage etc (as we are here)

Is there anyway you can get him to the GP?

Rant/chat away on here we are all in the same/similar boat.

Hi everyone, I've just got on this thread and wondered if you have any advice for me. My DH had a breakdown last year due to hating career that his controlling father had forced him into. All his decisions in life have been to please his father ( I suspect even marrying me and having our 3 DC) He had a week off work and got some AD's but came off those because he knew best and he didn't need them!! We got to a very low point where I was waiting for the news that he had thrown himself under a train or something and he eventually agreed to see a therapist. He has sorted out a lot of his issues but in taking back control of his life, he has become a very selfish person and thinks I am criticising him and nagging him all the time. He did a brave thing in changing career but has been away for 2.5months except for weekends training and has come to enjoy the student lifestyle more than the real life at home. He is really horrible to me and I am walking on eggshells all the time so I don't upset him. He has stopped his therapy as he says he has dealt with all his problems now (but I know that is not true) I have only ever loved and supported him

Welcome Milliways and Honeybunmum . Hope you find as much comfort in this thread as we all have !

HBM - I know what you mean about not letting them see the effect it has on you. Even though DH and I are very close, I do try to watch what I say because I've been known to make him worse due to him feeling guilty about the pressure he puts me under. Saying that, I've blown up at him the last few days (long story!) and I've told him straight that he needs to get help as I'm struggling to see a way forward and we really can't go on like this . I've been a single parent before and I can do it again if I have to but I really don't want it to come to that. My last husband was abusive and even now I could count on one hand the 'good memories' from the 8yrs we were together. Wheras DH (now) and I have had countless good times both just us, and as a family, which almost makes it harder ifkwim . If he was a bastard it would be an easy decision but I feel like his illness is draining every single part of me and I'm totally, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. When he's well, we are really happy and steady apart from 'normal' life issues... I can't imagine having him living away bless you - will he be coming home for Christmas? It must be hard . I worry when he goes out without me that I'll get a phonecall telling me he's done something too (((hugs))) xx

Milliways - Isn't it frustrating how the past can have such a profound effect on a person and it's heartbreaking to watch . DH had an awful upbringing and the death of his father in his teens along with his mother abandoning him a couple of months later has deeply effected him - one of his many issues is post traumatic stress. DH doesn't work although he has tried over the past few years but each time it has made him more ill. I totally know where you're at in terms of worrying about finances, especially at this time of year (((hugs)))

pwf, I'm totally with you on wondering what DH will tell the doctor; and also of course the 'why me' goes through my mind constantly...

simpson - how did the assessment go? Hope DD responded well to the medication? DD2 was born with an imperforate anus and had a series of operations when she was born includng heart surgery which was traumatic in itself. She's 'normal' now apart from constipation all the time and we're on edge every day about her poos etc. I know how extremely tiring it can be handling a 'not 100%' child whilst trying to cope with DH's illnesses ((hugs)). She's been teething this week too - why do we have soooo many things to deal with!?

klio - I'm addicted to fb too lol!

empressorchid - thanks, yes I'm planning to see the gp at some point soon, the fact that I haven't been sleeping or eating properly for the past few weeks has rung alarm bells that I might be a little depressed myself too. I guess I've been putting it off as I can't afford to be depressed because I'm supposed to be the strong one that holds everything together lol! DD2 is 14mths now so I guess it could be a possibility - the gp kees saying he's keeping an eye on me but I don't see how!? Hips are same as usual . DH seems to be warming to the idea of going to the clinic and said he'll go next week but I've heard it all before! How are you doing? So glad your DH's work is going well but sorry to hear he's drinking more, how's that going now?

Hello to everybody else, sorry for the mammoth post, I feel bad that I haven't mentioned all you other lovely ladies individually but I genuinely do think of you and hope you're doing OK...

Love to all!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all, sorry I've not been around for a few days - my facebook addiction is getting the better of me. There's just so much to catch up on on that site!!

Milliways and honeybunmum - welcome. and as PLP says, I hope you find as much comfort on this thread as we all have. Everyone is fantastically supportive even though (or maybe because) they are all going through similar things.

Simpson - how is DD? Has the medication helped in anyway? It's always the same, problems on problems. Why isn't life simple? How is your DH? (((hugs to you)))

PLP - hey hon, how's it all going? hope you get yourself sorted out at the GP. I know you're supposed to be the strong one, but remember that strong people know when to ask for help and recognise that they are not coping. Brushing under the carpet won't make it go away, it won't make you feel better and it will just come back later tenfold and hit you just when you don't need it. You are being strong. Look at everything you have had to cope with and you are still there fighting for your marriage. So glad you have good memories you can hold on to during the bad times. (((hugs)))

DH getting on OK at work though still frustrated he can't do all the 'exciting' things associated with his job. Drinking a bit less at the moment, although still not sleeping well and refusing to take the zopiclone he still has. He is living the life of riley at the moment. So many socil engagements to go to that I can't manage to get to. Recently was away for 10 days with work, a stag weekend and then more work. This month he is here for one full weekend before christmas. Other wise he's off to a wedding (I can't go because kids not allowed and don't have anyone up here to look after DS for a weekend), then the following weekend off to N Ireland to start a 4 marathons in 4 days thing with his work. He won;t be running since he injured his achilles tendon, but will be supporting the guys. So won't be seeing much of him.

In a way it's good, I can relax and don't have to feel like I'm treading on eggshells, watching what I say in case I upset him. In a way it's bad, DS will play up (always does when daddy is away) and I'll have to finish the xmas shopping, wrapping and sending of presents myself. Plus getting us organised t go to Cornwall for christmas.

The intimacy issues have not been resolved, but as I have said already that's my fault. He is just not the man I married and I can't equate the man he is now with the man I married. I know relationships and people change, but this change is frightening and hurtful. (screaming emoticon)

sorry it's a long post, sorry if I've missed out anyone for support. I do understand what you are all going through as I'm there myself. I'm in a mood to get things off my chest tonight. Very selfish - sorry.

Thoughts and hugs with you all
xx

Hi everyone, thanks for the kind welcome. As well as discovering you all with similar problems, I have also found out that several school mums that I get on well with are going through or have gone through the same sort of thing. I'm finding that talking really does help I feel so sad for everyone, you all have so much to deal with. My situation is not anywhere near as bad and I feel exhausted, sad and lonely so I can't imagine how you must feel.
DH has improved slightly since starting his new job but when he's home for any length of time I see the problems emerging again, he is in complete denial and I am too fearful to discuss it with him so we just end up filling our day with the children (and dog) and in the evening when it's just us it becomes like two strangers making small talk (or we ignore each other whilst watching telly) I'm not sure where to go from here...