SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So sorry simpson.
Hope this thread gives you some support. My H is as yet not diagnosed with anything as he refuses to see the doctor, allthough he now has one on friday. He is quite insulting about depression which is a shame and not very helpfull. I have had it. He has changed over the last five years and I think much of that has been due to undiagnosed depression. He is moody and paranoid and has enormous anger management issues. He is currently in disciplinary proceedings at work and i think he might lose his job if he is not careful but nothing is ever his fault.
His relationship with our DS (10) broke down dreadfully. He tried to get me to consider adoption at one point and up until I said I would split with him (early august) he did very little for Ds.
I got him to stop drinking for now because he gets so nasty and I am struggling to see a future.

I feel bad because you all have such serious problems and nothing here is official. But I have experienced mental health problems before and so much of his behaviour echoes what i have seen. He also gets massively jealous (not my fault, past issues).

I won't come on this thread too much as i feel a bit intrusive but it struck a chord...

ALL the best and hugs to you all.

Mou - my DH not diagnosed with anything yet either. My mum is taking him to docs later today. He needs to be signed off work and given medication etc.

Last time he had a break down it was called a "psychotic episode"

He is obssessive, sometimes delusional, stressed and bordering on violent. Maybe aggressive is a better word than violent...

He seems to cope with day to day stuff fine ie getting up going to work but once at work can't cope. His boss very supportive though.

He is very needy and keeps phoning me asking what I am doing. My dad went to see him this morning and spent 2 hours with him. He is too unstable for me to live with him and I am finding it hard to meet him. Somebody on this thread (sorry can't remember who) said they find it hard to forgive the horrible things that are said even if DH doesn't really mean/remember it, I am just the same.

Its sooo hard trying to pretend things are ok for Dcs DS due to start pre school next week.God knows what to do about that as I cannot live in our house ATM and don't drive.

Since 2004 he has been fine had the same job, got promoted but then stress builds up and this is how he copes (or doesn't)

Thanks for welcome guys, sorry anyone has to go through this but am glad we can support each other...

Update - DH went to GP and she sent him to A & E. He went with my mum and waited for a couple of hours to be seen and got quite agitated which is good I guess as they can see what is really going on iyswim. Early on in the day he is not too bad but gets worse as day goes on.

He has been given strong sedative for tonight and being assessed at home tomorrow between 9am and 2pm.

Has anyone had any experience of this and what are they looking for exactly??

I wonder if he was sent to A&E to fast track the system as it takes so long to get help otherwise.

You must be exhausted, it is so draining, especially trying to protect the DC's, we are going through this as well, i know they are related.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/8/598193
Ireally hope you get to make some progress....thinking of you all.

Hi all, sorry I've not been on for a couple of days - I have discovered facebook and am a bit addicted

Simpson, welcome I hope we can all offer each other a little bit of support, even is it's only space to rant. It was me said I find it hard to forgive the horrible things he said to me! It's soo hard and I really haven't forgiven him yet. I feel that his apology of 'I can't remember' is a bit of a cop out, but I don't really know what I'm expecting of him. How did the assessment go? Keep posting, we'll be here for you and so glad you have the support of your family.

Mou - don't be silly, come post whenever you need to! It's god to listne to others stories, it's makes me realise I'm not alone in the struggle to decide to stay or go. Still don't know. A friend of mine told me I need to decide what's best for me and LO, but LO adores hs daddy so much would feel like a bitch to go. So here I am stuck and puzzled and pondering the great mysteries of life...

Let us know how DH gets on at the doctors.

Purple - Hey hun, how you doing?How is DHs plan for the day going. He sounds bad at the moment. At least my DH has managed to get back to work and has never closeted himself away at home. Has the zopiclone helped him sleep. DH took that for a while but views medication as 'weak' so is trying to do without at the moment. AS for his ADs - he's on Escitalopram, been on it about three or four weeks now. I don;t see a change in his behaviour at home but he's managing to get some work done, so maybe it is helping. Either that or his 'mask' has slipped back on, in which case he'll meltdown in a couple of weeks. Sound so flippant don't I - it's my coping strategy, trying not to get stressed about what he does or doesn't do. He's an adult, he knows what he's supposed to be doing, it's his choice if he wanders off the path. One of these days soon it'll all blow up again

As far as I know he is taking the ADs, but I refuse to stand over him and watch him, so I just have to trust him. God I sound like a right infeeling, uncaring bitch.

Take care all, big hugs and keep in touch xxx

Welcome all newbies

DH has been signed off for another fortnight (5 weeks in total, 1 of which was taken as holiday). I feel bad- I hate tis feeling that if he loses his job we'll be on benefits but I'm carer and it would be too much to ask DH to cope with the sn ds's. I do get Carers Allowance but they take that off your benefits / WTC.
Not that work have said anything- just panicking a bit I think!

He's been switched from prozac to citalopram which works better on anxiety as he's starting to develop agoraphobia like symptoms.

Hi guys

Yesterday was awful as DH totally irrational. My dad took Ds round to see him and in hindsight was not a good idea. Ds was very subdued when he got back. Dh kept saying "tell mummy you want to come home"

He was aggressive to mental health assessors (which might be a "good" thing as they get the full picture) He would not let me speak to them on the phone, although I did get to later.

He was given medication (a sedative) to calm him down and the mental health assessors went out in the evening too. He must have slept a long time as there were no phonecalls (had been every 20 mins from him) then when he did ring he started saying he was better and had beaten it etc...

However today he is MUCH better. Mental health assessors are pleased but going round twice a day ATM. My dad spent 2 hours with him this morning and my mum is going to see him after work for a bit.

I have not seen him since I had to flee house and will wait for a bit before contemplating that.

Peachy - DH has been signed off for 2 weeks and already I am worried about mortgage payments etc. It is hard enough to deal with mental illness, let alone all the other worries that go with it...

Empressorchid - I know what you mean about medication. If I stood over DH then I would feel like his mother iyswim..

Mou - the GP rang me last night and said that is exactly why she said go to A & E otherwise we could have been waiting 2 weeks

'Fortunately' mortgage not an issues, we rent (so can get hb if needed) as we lost the house during dh's first breakdow. Would be too small now anyway tbh- oh and in te wrong country pmsl

hugs, I think you are handling it really well

Thanks Peachy.

I would not wish this on anyone!!

Hi all

Peachy - so gald your DH has been signed off, and so sorry this causes you money worries. On top of everything else that must be awful, thankfully not a situation I find myself in. Sorry, I have no advice re: the money issues, but hope someone can help with info if you need it.

Simpson - well good and bad news I suppose for you. Glad he's feeling better, prob as a result of the sedative or do you think he is trying to lull you in to a false sense of security to get you back in the house? Don;t go until you feel ready to handle it all. Sorry about your DS, mine is still too little to understand what's going on really.

Keep your chins up, hugs to all xx

empressorchid - think he is desperate to get me back to house. He keeps saying he is fine etc but obviously is not. He also wants to go back to work asap and does not realise that he probably won't be able to cope.

I had a phone call from his consultant yesterday who pretty much said the same thing. If he keeps saying "I'm fine, everything is fine!" he is not getting better and acknowledging there is a problem iyswim. It may be a loooong process.

His family don't help (they may well have caused a lot of this....)by telling him yes aim to be back at work on Tuesday and think positive. WTF!!!

DH had also told the consultant that I would be moving home on Sat which is definately NOT happening.

The house is totally immaculate everything lined up in fridge etc (so my mum says) almost bordering on obsessive. Think this is because he feels so out of control with everything else.

Anyway lets hope we all have a positive day and can keep supporting each other. Thanks for all support so far!!

o no, no money worries at present. Dh is going to Uni I hpe next year whic will mean financial pain but will mean he leave this career which is challenging and night shift based and no good

Hello can I join you all, will fill you all in on how it is to live with my dp tomorrow, tonight I need to get some sleep before the dc get me up at silly o clock

So glad I have come across this thread, think it may be just what I need right now, night all and lets hope for a positive day tomorrow xx

Lupins71 - I second you on a positive day

Well medication seems to be kicking in for DH but the problem is now he broke his collar bone a few weeks ago and it was starting to heal but in the middle of one his "episodes" he thinks it was opened up again. He has hospital appt today, so we will see....

Well so much for positive thinking...

DH has decided that the way to go is to bully me on the phone and tell me all of this is my fault as I pushed him too hard. WTF!!

While he is wallowing in self pity I am looking after his DCs 24/7.

Sorry to rant but feeling very and today...

Simpson how did your dp get on at hospital, if its any help my dp often says I am the reason for his depression! He never apologises but when he is feeling "better" he says he is talking nonsense

i was going to give you my story, basically dp has always been a quietish sort of person - unless out with his mates boozin - we are too old to ba classed as binge drinking - I have a bad pancreas so cant drink altho I did when we met but I didnt have kids then so could afford the luxury of spending a weekend in bed recovering, We ave had a fairly pants time over the last 6 or so years, we lost our son at 29wks this was the 1st sign of his depression but we put that down to grief he lost some hair in patches and the gp said it was stress

Before this I had lost my brother in a car accident, dp was a rock for me then, Then our dd wad 5wks prem, he was very distant for quite a while, the fast forward 3yrs another miscarriage and forward again 2yrs and my ds was 8weeks early following a very hard pg.

As soon a we found out ds was due dp's depressiobn hit an all time low and continued throughout the pg, when I had the sex scan and said it was a boy he said he didnt want it and why the hell did I get pg - he had forgotten that we had actually planned this and were date counting ect, I was gutted and he was nasty

When ds arrived he was head over heels with him and now he is a little man ds loves him to bits, however the depression has continued and gradually gotten worse to the stage that 3 sundays ago he took an overdose, again he was nasty to me - not physically just verbally, dd was scared and obviously didnt understand - she still asks why daddy was taken away and said nasty things to mummy

Since then he has started councilling and it is really helping, he is changing his meds as of tomorrow and has been told not to work as he gets quite angry

Better go he is lurking, thats about it tho, so we see what happens and pray that one day the black cloud will bugger of and we can lead somethging like a normal life

Simpson how did your dp get on at hospital, if its any help my dp often says I am the reason for his depression! He never apologises but when he is feeling "better" he says he is talking nonsense

i was going to give you my story, basically dp has always been a quietish sort of person - unless out with his mates boozin - we are too old to ba classed as binge drinking - I have a bad pancreas so cant drink altho I did when we met but I didnt have kids then so could afford the luxury of spending a weekend in bed recovering, We ave had a fairly pants time over the last 6 or so years, we lost our son at 29wks this was the 1st sign of his depression but we put that down to grief he lost some hair in patches and the gp said it was stress

Before this I had lost my brother in a car accident, dp was a rock for me then, Then our dd wad 5wks prem, he was very distant for quite a while, the fast forward 3yrs another miscarriage and forward again 2yrs and my ds was 8weeks early following a very hard pg.

As soon a we found out ds was due dp's depressiobn hit an all time low and continued throughout the pg, when I had the sex scan and said it was a boy he said he didnt want it and why the hell did I get pg - he had forgotten that we had actually planned this and were date counting ect, I was gutted and he was nasty

When ds arrived he was head over heels with him and now he is a little man ds loves him to bits, however the depression has continued and gradually gotten worse to the stage that 3 sundays ago he took an overdose, again he was nasty to me - not physically just verbally, dd was scared and obviously didnt understand - she still asks why daddy was taken away and said nasty things to mummy

Since then he has started councilling and it is really helping, he is changing his meds as of tomorrow and has been told not to work as he gets quite angry

Better go he is lurking, thats about it tho, so we see what happens and pray that one day the black cloud will bugger of and we can lead somethging like a normal life

Hi all

I'm so pleased to have seen this thread (sorry to be late in joining - work is busy and its tricky to get to the computer sometimes) - having a partner with a mental illness is, like has been said, something I really wouldn't wish on anyone and I'm so sorry we are all going through it. But its good to share and get support.

Some background on my situation - my DH has a jealous type delusional disorder where he believes that I was terribly unfaithful to him during a part of our relationship 14 years ago. He started to "remember" inifidelities I was supposed to have had, after I admitted (18 months ago) to a brief fling I had 15 years ago. Now I have lost count of the number of affairs, snogs at parties, and worse I'm supposed to have done - all of it around 1994. When some of the "memories" got really bad, he saw a psychiatrist who prescribed (a low dose of) anti-psychotic medication which helped a little bit. But he has now stopped taking that - he says, of course, that there is nothing wrong with him - these things all happened, its just that I can't remember them (I was drunk on the occasions these events happened, according to him). Since stopping the meds his "memories" have got more numerous and worryingly more violent (although I've never been worried that he would be violent to me at the moment). He is on the waiting list to see a psychologist - heaven only knows when that will happen - we have been waiting 6 months already. We are also being referred for family therapy (in the last 18 months I have had a DD (we also had a DS who died shortly after birth 3 years ago)) and moved house to another part of the country, and gone back to work after the baby (albeit part time).

Unsuprisingly perhaps, I have been on prozac for the last few months to manage the anxiety of all this and am having counselling.

I have considered leaving him, but because I know he is ill (in sickness and in health and all that) and as he adores our DD,I am reluctant, but still haven't ruled it out. Living with someone who is angry with you a lot of the time becuase they think you did lots of things you didn't is really really hard. I'm waiting to see if the psychologist or family therapy help.

I've waffled on for long enough and have to do some work, but wanted to say that if it helps, I know that its dreadful to live with this, particularly the poor state and availability of NHS care for the mentally ill (and their families) and the stigma around the illnesses which means that sometimes you don't get much support from friends and family who don't want to know, or don't understand that saying "think positive" sometimes (always!) isn't enough.

Sending big, big hugs to you all...
Hoping to get to know you all better..

xxxx

Lupins71 - My DH's collar bone seems to be ok but he is slightly worse today I feel. He was not given any sleeping pills for last night so he only got 3hrs sleep. SO sorry to hear you lost your brother. I think my DH's stress started when I was pg with DD.

Am playing the waiting game today DH has gone to work saying he is fine and am waiting for text/phonecall to tell me otherwise.

Its very hard to pretend everything is ok infront of DCs especially when we are not even in our own home

Sorry so many people are going through same or similar experiences...

Welcome Myangels my DH is also on anti psychotic drugs they have made a difference but still a looong way to go...

Hello all, sorry I've been away so long - had a bit of a scare with DD2 and I've got bursitis in my hip which is really painful . Anyway, lots has been happening here, mainly the struggle of DH sleeping - the zoplicone worked for a few nights but not last night so DH has been really tired. We had a row on Sunday as he was meant to be giving me my one lie-in as I was in pain, hormonal and have been running the house while he has been lying in every morning. After having had a row, he cheered me up in the evening with a candle-lit bath and a lie-in on Monday morning. Also, he actually did the kitchen today as my hip is so bad.

simpson - big hugs to you, you're sounding so so strong. He will try to lash out at you and blame you as you're the closest to him unfortunately. I do hope they manage him - are they talking with you about what to do too? Have they 'diagnosed' him yet? What a drama and you're being so brave. DH also goes on about being 'fine' when he clearly isn't and its so frustrating - half the problem is getting them to admit it sometimes! Keep posting, will be thinking of you... You're right, its such a long process but keep your chin up xxx

peachy - how's it going having DH at home? My DH gets incapacity benefit and I get carers allowance for DD2 too. We get HB/CT and sometimes I wonder how we're surviving. I spent so many years being the worker but I ended up making myself ill what with DH being like another child. I will be going back to work next year though, we'll see how well DH is by then... Thinking of you too, I know how difficult finances can get. How long has he been on citalopram for? It seems to be helping DH with anxiety too... xx

empressorchid - You're NOT uncaring at all, please remember that. How is your DH? My DH was on escitalopram but it disagreed with him, everybodies so different and its hard to find the right ad. DH has that 'mask' too and it has caught me a few times as I've been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking things are going well; then all of a sudden he explodes and I find out he was just pretending he was fine!! xxx

Welcome to newbies and big hugs to you:

Lupins71 - so sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time over the past few years. I had 2 m/c's, 1 at the beginning of our marriage and one Oct '06 and still think I may have underestimated the impact they had on DH. When DD2 came along, she had 4 operations and it was all quite dramatic; I'm beginning to think that its all coming out now, kind of delayed I guess but still real unfortunately. Hope the med change goes smoothly and that DC's settle down soon. xx

Myangels - big big hug to you too, I can't imagine going through all of that, and you've got your DH to cope with on top of your feelings too! I totally agree that it is a hidrance rather than a help for family members to keep saying 'think positive' etc. I have a big problem with my mum as she seems to refuse to accept his illness, then the next minute she wants to help. She just doesn't seem to understand the extent of it and keeps putting pressure on him, so sad. Its really good that you're on waiting lists for things at least - we don't know if DH is on the waiting list for CBT or not as there isn't much in this area .

Hello to mou and unhappy and piecesof8 too. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes to know that I'm not the only one living with a DH with problems like this. Even if I don't get on here as often as I'd like, I really am genuinely thinking of you all.

We're still here and whether it feels like it or not, we're somehow coping, each of us in our own ways. Here's to getting through tomorrow! xxx

Things gone totally tits up here and DH turned up at my mum's last night and would not leave. In the end we had to dial 999 for ambulance/police who took 2hrs to get him out of the house.

They could not section him (even though he clearly needed it) because it was on private property. WTF!!

He was taken to hosp A & E and left to wait by himself, thought he would walk out but he didn't. He was released at midnight and allowed to get home by himself!!

Rang the crisis team this morning who are going to see him but he has convinced 6/7 people that he is fine and I am neurotic!! Have got someone going round to assess him to maybe section him, but am sure he will convince them he is fine.

Don't know else to do TBH...

Sorry no personals but brian frazzled....

Also, forgot to say DD has decided to choose today to scream & scream & scream....

Hi Simpson/everyone.

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you last night.
He very clearly needs help, I can imagine the difficult time all of you are having.

Big hugs
Px

Oh simpson, how awful for you! Hope DD calms down for you. I'm sure the professionals involved will see through DH's behaviour and realise that you're not neurotic. Keep strong hun, big hugs, will be thinking of you, let us know how you get on xxxx

Thanks for all your support guys, it's really helping.