SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just to let you know DP kept his appointment. Told Dr that he hadn't taken meds due to side effects. Dr wrote down name of alternatives which DP will research on the internet and then let Dr know whether he will take them!!! DP also made an appointment for me to go to Dr in a couple of weeks. Progress - albeit slow

Choogirl - that's great news and a huge step forward. Hope the progress continues forwards

hugs to all xxx

Hi all

DH still taking his medication and am at home for the weekend. Was planning to go back to my mother's tomorrow but feel like I am coming down with the dreaded lurgey so may stay and let DH look after Dcs...

He had a little wobble on Fri eve and seemed a bit stressed all day and it turned out someone at work had said they wanted his job (they are doing it on a temp basis while DH off sick) so he got stressed about that...

But he has been ok since and even coped with DD who is a "nightmare baby" if i say so myself and does not stop whinging ALL day...

He has a GP appt on tues so will see what happens there...

CHOOGIRL - glad DP kept his appt and has made one for you. Its a step in the right direction. Blast the internet though. Hope he is happier with the new alternatives of medication..Fingers X.

empressorchid - I second skirting around things but DH seems to be respecting this for the moment but I wonder how long it will last Also just trying to keep Dcs happy DS is a little star but DD hard work and HV said yesterday she may have a milk intolerance. Just what I need!!(Poor DD though!!)
How is your DH coping with having had root canal work done and Achilles tendon bad too? Sorry to hear that.

Hope everyone else ok, thinking of you all...

Well I thought things were too good to be true...

Am going back to my mum's tomorrow and DH is trying every trick in the book to get me to stay. He promised he would respect my wishes and go at my pace, but that seems to have gone out of the window...Why does mental illness make people so selfish?? Everything seems to be about him ALL the time. How much ground he is losing with DS , how he has had to watch my soaps on TV (I watched 2hrs of darts last night for him)etc. Yes he has lost ground with DS but I have to put Dcs first and if I don't feel safe then I have to leave

He has docs appt tomorrow at 6pm and I am seeing the same doc at 9am with DD so may talk to her then. He is also supposed to be going to work in a week, we shall see...

Hello ladies, sorry I've not been around much. DH has had a cold man flu as well as DD2 and now DS has got it. I've been fighting it by taking ecchinacea but still feel rubbish as well as my hip has flared up again, great! DH hasn't been too good lately - not sure if its because he's been taking the tablets for around six weeks now or not. He did well as far as only smoking in the evenings but then it went out the window so we're starting again, hopefully it will last this time! He has been really bad the last few days, telling me he's suicidal etc. He declared at dinner time yesterday that everybody thinks he is a bastard and tried to start numerous arguments with all of us, including the kids. Then later in the evening, he was full of the joys of spring. I can't cope with the extreme ups and downs sometimes and he wonders why I get down! I've been really strong up to now in not resenting him but its creeping back again. His CPN appt is next week and I'm insisting on going in with him. I'm expecting them to put his dosage up as they normally do...

Well, DD2 is up from her nap so I'd better get on as the car is due the MOT today (not sure how we're going to pay for it!?) and have so many things to do. I feel like I'm the only grown up in this house

Love to all, keep strong (((((((((hugs))))))))))xxxxxxx

All of you are so strong, I've been thinking of you all every day and been checking the thread, just haven't had a chance to post until now, especially now DD2 is mobile.

What we're all going through is truly astonishing but we're all still here and somehow coping with it all (although I wouldn't say I cope, I muddle through!).

simpson - hope it all goes ok at the GP and that DH listens to you. The selfishness is just awful isn't it, they don't seem to be capable at all of thinking of others. You must be so tired from hauling everything backwards and forwards bless you xx

mou - how are things going with DH? It's so disheartening when the 'professionals' don't seem to get that there's a problem - have you considered going with him at all?

notsoskinnynow - yay for DH rolling over! So sorry to hear about the whole tyre situation, gutted for you . We seem to jump from crisis to crisis in this house and its exhausting isn't it! Hope you manage to get some time away from things soon, especially with you being so far away, you could probably do with some company xx

choogirl - oh my goodness, I totally know what you mean!!!! When DH gets any tablets now, I immediately dispose of the leaflet so he can't read through the side-effects otherwise he gets all of them. Hope he managed to find something that his GP is happy with? Did you find out what Social Services' involvement will be? How is DD now?

empressorchid - how are things with you hun? Have you managed to communicate your feelings to DH yet? I find myself treading on eggshells often, then I have to let it all out for my own sanity. The way you are feeling is totally understandable. Do you think that your DH is there inside this intuder? I completely empathise with the way you're feeling hun. I too am worried that DH will stop taking his meds at the six month mark as he's done it before but then it all goes wrong. I keep saying that if it just means taking a little pill for the rest of your life, isn't it worth it? Six months is a long way off I guess but its still there in the back of my mind.

notsoskinnynow - I mean yay for DS, not DH pmsl!!! xx

Oh no, what happened there? My paragraphs have jumped around for some reason??? Its all a bit jumbled now but I'm sure you all get the gist of it lol! xx

Hi all

Purple - good to hear from again hon. Your paragraphs look fine from here How goes life with you. Has DH stopped picking arguments? I hate it when they do that. How's your hip/cold/his man flu!?? Hugs to you for all the crap you're going through on top of DH depression. xx

Yes DH and I sat down about a week after he got back from hospital and had a big talk about wht he had said to me and how it made me feel. He still uses the 'I can't remember' excuse as if that's going to make everything better and I ought to just sweep it all under the carpet and put it down to experience. Can't do it, won't do it. Am hurting about all the things he said and still not able to put that behind me and contribute properly to this relationship. Simpson - I sooo totally agree a very selfish disease. How goes things now? Don't cave in to him, you have been soo srong and I'm very proud of you and jealous _ I wish I could have walked out (social circumstances make me unable to do this). Go girl and stick to your guns. If you're seeing his GP about your LO I doubt she will discuss DH with you - professional accountability/confidentiality etc. Can you go with him one time, then the GP would know you are allowed to know what's going on iyswim.

As for DH, selfish git... well he recovered from his root canal work (pmsl at that!!! Another thing against me, but it was sooo funny when he came back from the dentist. He only went for a filling) and is recovering slowly re: the achilles tendon, but he keeps twisting his ankle, stepping down holes and making it worse. As for the meds, the doc has just doubled his dose as DH feels he is going backwards, so will wait and see. Because of his job (military) I know he will stop them at 6 months, otherwise he will not be allowed to do all the 'exciting' stuff they do and go away to play at war (not a degrading of his job, just my way of explaining without giving away secrets!!). So if he wants an 'exciting' work life (and I know he does) he will have to come off them. I wait with baited breath. On the plus side DS being a darling at the moment, no three yr ld tantrums for two days!!

Love, hugs and my thoughts to all of you xxxx

Hi

Empressorchid - took DD to docs yesterday and she thinks she has a dairy intolerance Just as I was leaving she did ask how things were and I said we had had a couple of wobbles and she said it is very early days and she would be suprised if there weren't any. Obviously she could not talk in too much detail without DH there...Thanks for words of encouragement, it means a lot. Don't feel very brave though I can tell you!!

Am definately going back to my mum's for a couple of nights as I need the space mentally. DH is due back to work next tues so want to see how he copes with that first.

Purplelostprincess - I know what you mean about ups and downs It has been so bad that at times I have doubted my own sanity, but hopefully things won't get that bad again....fingers X. Must be very tough for you having to be peace maker all the time. Also think your paragraphs look ok

Hope everyone else is ok... This thread is an absolute lifeline and I will be back on Friday. (((hugs to all)))

evening all

Simpson - sorry to hear about your DD... do you have a good pan from the doc on what to do/feed her or do you now have to wait to see the HV? How's she doing? I have no experience on milk intolerance so can't give any advice, sorry.

Hope all goes well with everyone else.

((((hugs)))) to you all xx

empressorchid - Doc was very good. It was me that said its my gut instinct that there is a problem with dairy products. Took her to doc's as she poos 6/7 times a day and seems in pain etc...

Have to cut out all dairy products for 2 weeks then go back (she seems to cope with formula ok though)

Feel a bit bad as she has always been a whingey baby and the difference in her in the last 2 days is amazing!!! No whinging at all!!

DH seems ok ATM but D day is rapidly approaching (next tuesday) when he attempts to go back to work.

Am at my mum's ATM but going home tomorrow until monday eve. Don't tend to be around on tues if it goes tits up especially with Dcs there.

Hope everyone all ok, thinking of you all!!

Hi Simpson - glad you have seen an improvement already in your DD, it's always gratifying to know that your gut instincts are right even if you do feel like an over protective mum going in (I usually do anyway!). Hope you have a good weekend at home and your mum is pampering you when you are at hers

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and DH on Tues.

My DH back at work and seems to be coping fine, but I don't think work was ever a problem, just a symptom. He was very lucky and was able to build up gradually from going in mornings only, to full days over a couple of weeks. He's always happier at work.

Love and hugs to all
xxx

Hi all

Am at home for the weekend and so far it seems to be going REALLY well but desperately trying not to get hopes up...

I know on tuesday I may well be more stressed out than DH (is D day, he goes back to work)so am desperately trying not to think about it ATM.

Still worried about DD who is also struggling with soya so she can't even have that

Hope everyone else is ok.....

Hi all

Simpson - hope you weekend continued along the good vibes thread! Fingers crossed for tues.

Everyone else - how are you all?

My weekend was shite, but sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill as DH didn't think it was a problem.

Fri night - DH went to the bar after work and arrived home too late to see DS before bed (and it was DH turn to read him a story). Couldn't be bothered to cook so had fish and chips from local shop, opened bottle of wine (as we usually only drink at the weekend). I have two glasses as I know I'll be up at 0600 with DS and DH finishes the bottle and then another bottle.... wake up at 0400 to hear DH vomiting his guts up in the bathroom, fall asleep (heartless - probably). Wake up again at 0500 to hear him again vomiting, then DS wakes up. 'What daddy do?' Me: 'daddy's just coughing in the bathroom'. 5 mins later DS:'daddy finished coughing' yes I say so DS goes for a wee and climbs back into bed. 0540 DS still not asleep so we go have a cuddle in the spare room. Get up about 0600 usual morning routine. Had told DH needed to go to town Sat morning to get my godson a present (usually DS RUNS all round town but not in the direction you want to go so have to have two of us to get any shopping done). Dh still not up by 0900 so decide to take DS to town on my own. Back by just after 10 and DH just up, goes to vomit in toilet again and disappears back tp bed. Ds has lunch and nap, wakes at 1330 Dh still in bed. As he had promised to walk a mates dog I ask him if he's getting up and he crawls out of bed, but we manage to have a good hour out with DS, dog and friend's dog!

Why, when he has been told (and previously experienced) that he will feel worse after drinking on ADs does he have to continue? Why does he have to waste half the weekend in bed sleeping it off? Why does he then act as if nothing is wrong? Even when I tell him why I am so pissed off (for waking DS at silly o'clock with the sound of his vomiting)? Why does he have to make me feel really bad when getting up with DS this am and doing all the ironing?

(((((hugs)))))

empressorchid, I totally know what you mean - DH is constantly doing this sort of thing. I spend soooo much time waiting for him to get on with things but he seems incapable of carrying out his responsibilities and he often gets in the way of me getting on with mine. We're off to see the CPN today and I'm going to mention about the smoking and the fact that it seems to counteract the ad's. He's been promising to do the garden (dog poo and rubbish) for nearly two weeks now and there's always an excuse, he's so hard to motivate. Saying that, he's currently tidying upstairs (miracleeeee!!!!). I can't think of an example off hand that matches what you're describing but just wanted you to know that its certainly typical in this household and I too ask myself if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I find it builds up as resentment in me and he wonders why I get annoyed because as far as he's concerned there's nothing wrong!? .

simpson, hope the weekend continued to go well? How is DD?

Best dash but just wanted to say HI - will pop on this evening (if I can get to the computer!) and let you know how the CPN visit goes...

(((hugs))) xx

Purplelostprincess - hope today went well. I have the opposite problem with DH in that he will not STOP doing stuff around the house. "Great" you might think but when DS drops something from his tea on floor he is there with mop instead of waiting for Ds to finish the whole meal first. He will not just watch TV and relax in the evening but is up in loft sorting "stuff" out....

empressorchid - sorry your weekend was so pants My DH is very good at making me feel guilty too. And would do just what your DH did the next day and get up do ironing etc. Then tell me ALL day the things he had done for me. Grrrr....

The weekend at home went very well am back at my mum's now. Don't want to get my hopes up. Tomorrow is the big day as he is back at work so will see how he copes. Hope to God he doesn't do what he did last time and just leave saying he is stressed. But time will tell. Will be on tenderhooks ALL day though.

Simpson - hi there, how was DH today at work? Did he go in? Glad you had a good weekend and that apart from the work aspect things are going well. Know what you mean about DH telling you all the things he has done!! How's your DD doing?

Purple - how was the CPN visit? Did you get to highlight the areas you are concerned about? How's your hip?

DH not sleeping again, last time this happened it was the slide into worse things. We'll see what happens... He won't take his night sedation as it only seems to happen on the nights it's his turn to get up with DS!! Then he disappears into the spare room to read, vicious circle imo. I think the reading keeps him awake because he won't just turn the light ff and try to relax. Oh well...

Hugs and thoughts to you all xx

Empressorchid - Sorry to hear that your DH is not sleeping well. Its very hard when you know things may be sliding back but powerless to stop it iyswim. Hope things improve soon.

DH coped fine at work and is in work again today and then off for a few days. My only concern is he is running before he can walk if you get my meaning because he is now booking loads of overtime. I want him to slow down and ease himself back in gradually but as usual he is always right....Grrr....

The good news is DH has his date for first counselling session which will be in a couple of wks.

purplelostprincess - how was appt? Thinking of you.

Hi simpson - great news about the counselling, hope it all goes well. I know what you mean about DH running before he can walk. If my DH wasn't in the military and having a strict eye kept on him, he'd have thrown himself back into work with vigour. As it is he was forced into a phased return and had some of his work cut (his boss also came back off mat leave which helped as he was covering her job!). So he has had to ease gently back into it. Hope your DH doesn't lose it all again and glad he has coped with his first days back OK. Why do men feel they have to be full on head/all guns blazing to be effective? If they just took a step back sometimes and looked....

Purple - hi hun, hope all went well at the appt.

(((((hugs)))))

empressorchid - Dh's work seem to be taking quite good care of him and have got someone shadowing him. The only problem is the person shadowing him wants his job permanently

This guy was doing Dh's job while he was off and he wants it permanently. He has even told Dh that he might benefit mentally from stepping back and taking a lower job

Luckily although initially agreeable to this, he soon saw sense....

Glad your DH gets the support at work too, it can make such a difference.

How all ok....

for your DH simpson. Hope that work continues in a postive way for him and for you too.

(just love these halloween smileys!!)

Hope everyone has a good weekend and if you fancy a bit of a halloween tale to pass the time I can recommend the Halloween Story on the Adult Fiction thread. It's spooky...

Love and hugs to you all xxx

Oh well - another day another issue! Took DD to her friends birthday party - got back and DP and his bag (which is kept packed) is gone. I thought he was starting to come out of himself going to gym and being bit more up, but alas no. I've no idea where he has gone and don't think he has any money. I feel quite heartless again - but at the end of the day he is a grown man so should be able to look after himself. No-one asked him to go.
It is DD's birthday next week so who knows if he will be back then. Not sure how to answer the question 'where is daddy'.

Purple Princess DD is fine now wasn't serious. I did get a call from Social Services who were confused as to why hospital referred her when it is DP who has the issue so they left it.

CHOOGIRL - so sorry this has happened to you ((hugs))

Have you heard from DP yet? I know just what you mean about it being hard to pretend things are "normal" for the DCs. You are not being heartless at all but thinking of your DD first. Also there is only so much people can put up with.

Thinking of you today...

Sorry have name changed (was simpson)

Thanks guys! DP came back yesterday. Spent the night sleeping rough. Have discussed whether a spell in the Priory might help - will give him a break and hopefully get some help. As Scarlet O'hara said 'I'll deal with that tomorrow'! Just glad he is safe and home.