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SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

195 replies

PurpleLostPrincess · 10/09/2008 23:26

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
simpson · 02/12/2008 17:34

Hi all

Dh has been back at work for nearly 2 weeks and so far seems ok (ish) He had his mental health assessment last week but didn't tell them about recent mini crisis so they think he is doing really well and want to start reducing meds. Cue me running round like headless chicken trying to sort it out. Grrr.

DS (3) is being a real handful ATM in the evenings. Screaming fits, tantrums etc, I know it is tiredness but not easy to deal with.

DD been diagnosed with dairy intolerance and on Sunday DS fed her a mini pizza when we were at a party without me noticing till too late so yesterday was hell. I sometimes feel like I have 3 kids (including DH) and it does feel like too much sometimes, constantly wondering when next crisis will be.

Empressorchid - Intimacy issue not resolved here either. Still can't forget what he said/did etc. DH is working late shifts all next week and I have to confess I am looking forward to the space. When he has his days off we are with each other a lot...I feel the strain.

Purple - How are you? We are constantly watching DD's poos here too and if things are not better by Xmas, back to hosp...I lost my temper with DH this evening as I feel EVERYTHING is down to me (although he is pretty good and does what he can with DCs)I guess I am just worried he will start saying he can't cope again

Honey - I have spoken to one RL friend who has had some experience of this although with her father not husband. It does help to know people out there understand/relate. I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time. I get quite depressed if i think about things being the same a yr from now iykwim.

Milliways - How are things ATM? I know how stressful it is and having to worry about finances too

PWF - How are you? I sometimes feel angry that I have to put up with all this too. Grrr.

Hope people I haven't mentioned are all ok...

empressorchid · 04/12/2008 21:18

Hi all, hope everyone is ok.

Simpson - glad to hear you have a diagnosis for DD, at least now you can watch what she eats even if DH doesn't (oooh look christmas emoticons - I'm sooooo excited about christmas, can't wait). Anyway as for your DS he sounds exactly like mine who is also three. My DS has just recently dropped his afternoon nap and is so tired by the end of the day he is a royal pain in the ass to deal with. Not so much tantrums as refusing to listen/do as I ask, and goes into hyper mode. Hell to cope with an over active LO and I find it so tiring. Especially as he still believes it's ok to wake up at 5am . So we're all really tired which doesn't help the situation, and you are probably feeling the same. Gald that DH is still at work though sorry he didn't tell all at his recent appt.

Honey - know what you mean about sitting like two strangers in the evening after a day skirting the issues looking after DS and pets...it's like that in this house too. Although I tend to be glued to Facebook/Mumsnet while he watches rubbish on the TV, or we both have our heads in books. Feel for you but I don't have any answers - sorry .

Hope all is not too bad in the run up to the festive season (forgive my over use of these festive smileys) I am looking forward to Christmas. We are going to stay with the out-laws for the week ans DS is slowly picking up that something BIG is happening! Especially now he can have chocolate from his advent calendar before breakfast - a complete no no in this house usually.

Hugs and thoughts with you all
xx

daisydaisy55 · 06/12/2008 17:57

hello everyone
havent been on this thread before, but you seem like a nice lot! wondering if anyone out there has a partner with ocd? unfortunately things got so bad i left a few months back but obviously still have to see xh regularly cos of our d (still not sure what the abbrevs. mean, any enlightenment?).he's got no friends left & hardly any contact with his family so feel i'm the only one he's got.
feeling v confused, so so guilty for leaving but angry at what he's done to me & d & what we've all lost. he didnt have d today cos he wasnt 'feeling up to it' when i've been at work feeling like death all week & longing for my one lie in of the week.
anyone else out there in a similar situation?

PurpleLostPrincess · 07/12/2008 09:44

Hello daisy and welcome...

My DH (dear husband) has got OCD but I'm aware that there are many forms of it and I'm not even sure which one he's got! It's not the one from cleaning his hands etc all the time (which I believe is the most common) but whichever type it is, I totally understand how draining it can be on your life. Has he got treatment for it at all? I don't mean to sound harsh but you're probably better off out of there, at least for now anyways - don't feel guilty because you have to do what is best for you and your DD (dear daughter).

I really don't know what else to say apart from well done on posting here and you really aren't alone ((((((big hugs))))))) xxx

OP posts:
daisydaisy55 · 07/12/2008 20:14

really surprised to get a reply so quickly, thanks! yes he has the contamination type & has had help thrown at him after a long time of me battling for it. prob is that he only started to address things when i left (after being told by more than one professional that he wasnt going to get better), so dont know if i can go back to it now - looking back all a bit of a nightmare...what sort of things does your DH do? do u think its affecting your kids? when i've started telling people bout his problems i've been surprised by how many people know friends/family with similar things. it had got totally unbearable tho & he was v bullying & aggressive, so not a good place to be...
thanks for letting me in on a few of the Mumsnet codes!

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 08/12/2008 16:34

Hi Daisy

My Dh doesn't have OCD but i did move out with my two Dcs (dear Children) for a few months.

I felt bad leaving but knew it was the best thing for me and Dcs.

Leaving was the best thing i did TBH as it hit home to Dh how bad things had got and he had to sort it out. Hope things impove for you.

Purplelostprincess - How are you?
DD still not well and things got so bad lots of screaming/straining etc that I have put her back on cow & gate as its the lesser of 2 evils till we get to GP on Wed.

DH having a bit of a hard time coping with work. He has told his boss that he was finding his job too stressful and he wanted to take a less stressful job (less money )his boss said he would look into wages etc and come back to him....Then yesterday he is called into a meeting with said boss and basically told he is not up to scratch and listed things he had done wrong etc and has 6wks probation. I am sooo DH doesn't need this!! He has already said he isn't coping so why didn't the boss get back to him on wages etc for other job?? Grrrr...

daisydaisy55 · 08/12/2008 19:51

hi simpsons
sounds like things are pretty tough for you too, are you back with your dh now or do you manage to maintain good contact with him? i've tried to be a good 'friend' to my xh but he said he doesnt want any contact with me now i've said i'm not going back cos 'its all fake' - he is having dreadful time at work now & was off for several weeks after i left & now on reduced hours. his cpn has been really helpful in negociating with his nob of a boss & altho they are trying their best to fire him they havent been able to (yet) cos he is protected by teh disability discrim act. would this help your dh? has he got an occupational health dept?

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 08/12/2008 20:20

What is disability discrimination act? He has got occupational health team and has seen them a few times.

I have been back home for about 6 weeks now. Taking things slowly.

When I left it was me that wanted space, he wanted me back so was willing to do whatever I said...I didn't see him for about a month but spoke to him on the phone a lot. He didn't see Dcs as I didn't want our eldest (3) upset and our youngest now 10mths is a handful and cries a lot. He used to get stressed by it.

Dh's best friend from Ireland has just rung asking how DH is and wondering what caused him to be ill and I said I thought it was his controlling mother (not the only reason - but main one iyswim) and he told me that the last 2 times Dh went home to ireland without me she slagged me off constantly to DH and he got really upset by it.

daisydaisy55 · 10/12/2008 19:53

glad things are working out for you, simpsons. what is it with mother in laws?! my xh saw a psychiatrist who said his probs were all down to his mother!!! am sure i wont be able to resist telling her that if she pees me off any more!
dont know alot about the dd act but guess it gives people who have been given official 'diagnoses' that fall within its remits some level of protection. his occ health may be able to help, gp? citizens advice?
i've been gone since august now, altho xh wants me back he cant help himself but carry on being awful to me, so not majorly tempted, even tho feel horribly guilty. going back to someone cos u feel sorry for them isnt healthy tho is it?
my xh cant cope with any of the everyday stuff involved with lookiing after our dd, so in that respect isnt that much harder being on my own.
glad to hear your dh has got a good friend that is looking out for him.

honeybunmum · 12/12/2008 12:41

Hi daisy I have just been catching up and see you have been able to find some support here, I hope it is helping you.
My DH has now decided that there is nothing wrong with him anymore and he doesn't need to see his therapist again, I didn't realize that depression could be switched off with a click of the fingers!!! As he thinks it is all coming from me now, I decided that maybe I should see someone so I plucked up the courage and went to see my GP yesterday. He listened to me blubbering and ranting for about 20 mins then he said that I should try st johns wort for a week and come and see him next week to arrange some counselling and poss AD's. He seemed very concerned and could see that I had been dragged down with my husband's depression and although he had been proactive in changing his life, I was left at the bottom of the everlasting rollercoaster with no way up. I hope that this gives me some fight back, then maybe I could start dealing with my DH again. DC seem ok, no probs there at least. I just wish my DH could see what is going on. I have decided he is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself.

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 12/12/2008 21:17

honeybunmum - sorry you feel down too I was just thinking today that I am starting to feel a bit depressed myself...there is only so long I can stay positive and up beat for etc.

DH is going to step down from his job and take a less demanding role which will mean a 9K pay cut which will be REALLY tough for us almost impossible TBH.

What has pissed me off tonight is DH comes home with news of new job and there is nothing of how hard it will be etc (especially for me who does food shop/pays bills etc. I could tell he seemed a bit stressed and he admitted he had forgotten his morning medication

Now I know it was a one off and it was a genuine mistake I was just that I have loads to remember to do and cannot "forget" and am also that one little tablet has made such a difference in him iyswim.

((hugs)) to all....

daisydaisy55 · 13/12/2008 17:22

it really is helpful to hear everyone's comments-none of my friends really understand what its like to have a h with these sorts of problems. honeybunmum, simpsons, its so true that they get so introverted & cant see that anyone else might have any feelings/probs of their own. i used to (& still do!) get blamed all the time for being the cause of my xh's probs, it really does wear u down. after a crap wk at work, not much sleep & my & dd feeling grotty with the lergy, spent about 4 hrs last night sobbing on the sofa, ashamed to say some of it with dd there, giving me hugs & doing her best to comfort me! u can only 'cope' for so long can't u?
hope you get some support honeybunmum. i used to go to a brilliant counsellor who i could tell anything to & who basically gave me the strength & selfesteem to leave. i really hope u find a good one.

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 16/12/2008 16:31

For fecks sake!!

Dh is stepping down at work as he said he can't cope but was going to start in Jan as has loads of o/t over Xmas and we were going to sit down work out bills etc as its a 9k drop in salary.

I have had the day from Hell at a 3hr hosp appt with DD and had to take DS along too. I rang DH (supposedly at work) and he said he is on his way home...can't cope etc and wants to start new lower paid job tomorrow.

Have just totally lost it with him saying everything is always about him...have had the day from Hell etc and he hadn't even asked how DD was and all he can do is ask me if I need anything brought back!! FFS.

Am totally sick of this and sometimes think it would be easier to go it alone....

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 16/12/2008 20:57

Just want to add that I have had enough and have (finally) given DH an ultimatum which I feel bad for because he is ill but there is only so much a person can take

I told DH that if he starts new job and a few weeks down the line leaves again because he can't cope with that one either then its curtains for us (not in those words)

Some of you may think I am being selfish and putting even more pressure on him but I would rather go it alone TBH.

The "good" news is that DH didn't take his medication last night as he thought he didn't need it and he forgot (genuine mistake) his morning medication on Tuesday, so it could be down to that iyswim. Always easier to look and see WHY blip has happened iykwim.

Sorry rants so selfish....feel better now!!
Hope all ok ((hugs)) to all!!

honeybunmum · 18/12/2008 13:17

Hi simpsons How did he react to your ultimatum? You only think you are sounding selfish because you have been selfless for so long. It sounds like you have given him the support and every opportunity to sort himself out, you need to remember that all this will have had a damaging effect on you (as I have realized myself.) My doctor has not rushed to put me on AD's for which I am grateful, but we are monitoring my stress on a weekly basis so I know I've got help if I need it. I hope it was just a blip, unfortunately we now lead our lives waiting for blips
I don't know if my St John's Wort is working yet, anyone had any experience with it?

daisydaisy55 · 22/12/2008 19:57

hi simpsons, wrote a long entry last night then managed to wipe it out...but wondered how you are doing...can totally relate to your entry. my dd was v poorly & taken to hospital by ambulance and my xh didnt even bother to come home from work til late that night(so wrapped up in himself)...i have no regrets about leaving, its hard but know its for the best. i set myself a deadline and it was the hardest thing to actually leave ( & not go back after a few days!) maybe not a good time of year to be making decisions tho...everything seems more emotional around xmas. dont you think? you've got a good family havent you? do let us know how you're doing...

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 23/12/2008 20:15

Hi guys

Things seem to be going well here (but everytime I say that things crash back down so don't want to tempt fate iykwim!)

DH took my ultimatum pretty well actually but I still don't think he knows what he has put me through sometimes...He has started his new job and he does seem happier in himself but things are going to be really tough financially for the next yr or so till I go back to work and think he may not realise how tough, but we shall see..

DD is sooo much better and has finally been diagnosed with severe dairy and soy allergy which has caused 3 anal fissures from all the straining She is much better now but unfortunately has learnt to scream very loudly to get what she wants which is hard to deal with sometimes...

Hoping the New year brings new staers etc but might be too much to expect!!

Hoping everyone is well...thanks for all the good wishes

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 23/12/2008 20:16

Meant to say "hoping new year brings new starts etc" opps

daisydaisy55 · 01/01/2009 18:05

wondering how everyone's christmas & nye have gone? was dreading the whole thing & my expectations were so low that in the end had a really lovely time hope 2009 is a better year for us all...

honeybunmum · 02/01/2009 13:51

Hi Daisy- ours was ok, god that sounds pathetic doesn't it? The kids enjoyed it, I had flu so felt crap, DH who has no sympathy or even awareness of people around him, sulked like a toddler because I was no fun ie I didn't have sex! When I got better he cheered up and it's ok now... sort of...
I think the St John's Wort might be helping though, I've transformed from weepy, tired and feeling hopeless to super bitch who is going to make 2009 my year for looking after me. DH is going to get the shock of his lifetime the next time he has a low. Not sure if this is good or bad but it is how I feel at the moment ( am I going to get flamed??)
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

simpson · 02/01/2009 19:14

Hi all

Christmas was good here too However DH was working on the actual day.

He came to my mum's on Boxing Day though and we had another meal then for him.

Also my parents babysat and me and DH went out for a meal on 27th which was nice.

However am also making 2009 a year for me and not going to pick up pieces and organise everything like I have been anymore.

Think the next few days are going to be crucial as DH is doing new job but has to do overtime to make up for lost of earnings so he is working 8 day in a row.

Honeybunmum - glad you are feeling a bit better and able to put yourself first. It's what I am determined to do if I have to this year. DH has been given his ultimatum (a few wks ago) and so far is doing ok....

Daisydaisy - I was like you, had no real expectations of Xmas. Just wanted to make it nice for Dcs and was pleasantly suprised But think I would have found it tough being at home just by ourselves though iyswim.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!

PurpleLostPrincess · 10/01/2009 20:13

Simpsons ((hugs)) about your DD, I know how awful 'bottom' problems can be, DD2 tore her bottom a few times recently from consipation and it wasn't very pleasant at all! Hope she's continuing to do well - is it a relief to now know what you're dealing with? Hope DH's work continues to go smoothly too.

honeybunmum, sounds like you've had a tough time of it too but I'm glad to hear the St. Johns wort is helping - go for it girl!!!

daisy - oh my goodness, how is DD now? You poor thing! We took DD2 to the emergency doctor on Christmas day as she ended up having an ear infection and chest infection and we all had the 'lurgy' cold thing thats been going around too

Hello to everybody else and (((hugs))) xxxx

Well, I've had a rough couple of weeks - Christmas itself was nice but then it all went downhill in the New Year really - here's a condensed version of events:

DH had been going on about 'giving up' the green in the New Year for months now, I haven't said a thing apart from pointing out the obvious effects his habit has on the rest of us (he gets very withdrawn, the financial implications etc). He's had to go without many a time recently because I've had to put my foot down and make sure the kids get fed rather than him getting his smoke. Anyway, I mentioned a while ago that I dobbed him in to the doctor didn't I? Basically, the green stops his anti-depressants from doing their job so he's making himself more ill really. When I told the doctor, DH wasn't happy at all but started coming round to the idea of the clinic. (as mentioned before, it helps with drug dependency of all kinds including cannabis). I told him he needed their help in order to stop properly but he kept putting it off and basically acting like a typical addict. Forward wind to this New Year - he tried to give up but kept relapsing and I got to the point where I laid down an ultimatum and told him he had to go to the clinic or he would have to move out. I've been a single parent before and if I have to do it again then I will. It wasn't an easy thing to do and I was of course worried it might backfire but I couldn't see any other way forward. In the meantime, I had a doctors appointment for a repeat prescription. So, I went to the doctors and lo and behold, I broke down into a sobbing mess and pretty much begged him to help me (he knows everything about DH and DD2 etc). He's put me on anti-depressants and said he thinks its a mixture of pnd, living with DH and also everything that happened with DD2 as he's kept an eye on me since she was born. I've not been sleeping or eating properly, my periods are all over the place and I'm generally a wreck to be honest so I took the offer of help with both hands and I'm now in the same ad's as DH!!!
That clinic didn't open until the afternoon and I was over at my parents, waiting to find out if he had gone or not - thankfully he did and I have to say it was such a relief! I'm not under any illusions that him going is suddenly going to fix everything but at least he has made a move in the right direction. They have a plan in place for him to give up in three months time and in that time he'll be going to one-on-one sessions and keeping a diary etc. He said that although its one of the hardest things he's ever done, it was awesome!!!!!!! From what he's told me, they will do more in six months there than the community psychiatric unit has done in the last six years!!!

So, there it is, of course there's lots more to it than that but it gives you an idea. I started on the ad's on Thursday and have been spaced out and a little emotional and sicky but not too bad. I was on a small dose last time but he's put me straight on the 20 mg this time but I'm determined not to let them keep me on the sofa for more than a day or so. DH keeps telling me he knows how I feel and saying that I'll be out of action for at least a week but I'm not like him - I won't give in to it and wallow in it, I'm a mum and I have to get on with things. Saying that, he has been looking after me as much as he can but I'm wondering if thats the guilt lol!

Sorry its all me, me, me, I keep doing this don't I! I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and slightly frustrated that I'm now officially 'depressed' too but at the same time, its a good thing because these tablets might actually help me get my life back on track. As far as DH goes with the clinic, well the proof is in the pudding as they say so I'll keep you posted!!

Love to you all and I truly do think about you all every day, even if I don't post very often xxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
daisydaisy55 · 11/01/2009 20:31

blimey plp, sounds like you've been having a pretty rough time...hope your dh makes a go of things. its difficult not to get too excited about what could happen & i know from experience of my xh that just turning up to appointments is only the 1st step!
feeling pretty crap cos have got the divorce papers thru from the solicitors so makes it all v final. feeling v nostalgic (after many years together) but know cant go back. so guilty tho at what i'm about to put him thru (court etc)all v horrible...
hope everyone else is ok?

simpson · 14/01/2009 23:04

purple - ((hugs)) sorry you have been so down and hopefully the Ads will kick in for you.

Also hope your DH is getting the help he needs. I think that sometimes you do have to get tough with them ie give them an ultimatum. I did the dame for DH just before Xmas and it seems (fingers X) to be paying off...

Daisy - Sorry to hear of divorce papers Bet you have lots of mixed emotions on that one. Guess all we can do is take one step at a time...

Things not too bad here...DH coping with work ok and seems much more cheerful and even has a bit of bounce in his step since taking easier job. But his medication makes him very tired...so he goes to bed early most nights.

simpson · 15/01/2009 20:18

Ahhhhh

Every time I post on here to say things are not too bad then we have a little wobble

DH has got to work a 12hr shift tomorrow starting at a different time and is all stressed about it analysing what time bus to get to get to work on time etc...

He has had a drink too which he is not supposed to on his medicationm

The one good thing is that he has said he is worried about our relationship (finally the man sees sense!!)and how we will get through this...so at least that got us talking etc.

He has calmed down now and is putting rubbish out for bin men