SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
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PLP has your DH started his course? Is he still clean? That all sounded so positive, I really hope things are still going well.

Simpson, are you still around? Sorry for the lack of contact I've been off having babies. DC3 is lovely and my first girl so that is all good.

Sorry to hear about your H, but also not sorry IYSWIM it sounds like life was impossible. It must have been so exhausting constantly pushing him to do the basics. The DCs will never hate you. This is not your fault. You chose to put your family first, which is what good parents do.

Things are quiet here at the moment. H is certainly a lot better but still very depressed. The hardest thing to deal with is that his default setting is now selfish. Whereas previously he would always consider everyone else too, automatically, now he has to remind himself that we have rights too.

It's all a bit "one step forwards two steps back" but that's better than before, and at least there are a few good times sprinkled in there.

My new approach is tough love. If he starts to collapse over the little things then I tell him to pull himself together and so far he seems to be managing it. Once he's stopped spiralling down he's a lot more able to be objective about whatever he was upset about.

I'm sure it's a terrible way of dealing with things, and I'm probably making counsellors shudder, but he isn't squashing down his feelings, just reducing the overreaction.

Can't believe it's been 2 years now. Bad days are still very bad but they are few and far between now, and he no longer takes his anger out on me or the kids.

Still waiting for his CBT to start, but he has bought a book and is doing the exercises (something he could never do before).

youknownothingofthecrunch - congrats on new DD

Sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you and DH and at least you feel you can deal with it a bit better now.

Yes, things much better although it is tough dealing with the Dcs on my own as DD is a "demanding" child iyswim

H is back in ireland and has come over to see the kids recently.

I know what you mean about the selfish aspect, that was the final nail in the coffin for me TBH.

When H came over the other week for DS's fourth birthday he did not even think to bring a present for him

He can go weeks without calling them

DS said the other day "mummy I don't have a daddy"

But TBH its easier to deal with then having H living here iyswim so all is looking positive really

simpson thank you. She is lovely - I think all the stress during pregnancy has made her the most laid back baby in the world

at him forgetting a gift! That's a step on from my H, but he was certainly heading that way. I just hope this doesn't turn out to be another false hope.

Sounds like your dcs have got a fantastic mother to make up for their deadbeat dad. you've been incredibly strong.

I want to thank you so much for all the support you offered in the past year. There was a very dark period around Christmas where MN was my only support, and by being open on here I was able to be open in real life, without fear of being judged as a failure or a horrible person. So thank you! I don't know if I could have done it all without this outlet

Hiya...

Could I creep in, please? My DP and I both suffer from mental health conditions. DP has anorexia, though through his own choice has not seen a professional about it, although recently he has started on ADs and beta blockers for his anxiety, which is a huge step for him, and talked about going to groups - again, huge step. Although I've suffered from bouts of anorexia on and off myself for years, its so hard to see him suffering with it. He has put on weight since we found out I was pregnant, and I know he has done it for me, and for our baby, which is so important to me, but also makes me quite sad - knowing he's willing to do it for us, but not for himself.

Sometimes it just gets too much, seeing him hating himself so much. He means the absolute world to me, and more than anything I just want him to be happy and healthy.

He is doing so well, and I'm really proud of him. Just wish I knew how to make it all okay for him.

Sorry if that sounds like a rant, was more a poor attempt at introduction.

Hope you're all well. x

youknownothingofthecrunch - before H was ill he changed his working hours so he could pick up DS from preschool twice a week and was very close to him.

I never would have thought of him behaving like this TBH

He never really bonded with DD (18mths) but he was already ill by the time she was born, I think...

So glad you feel more in control ATM. Funnily ewnough I was wondering how everyone on this thread was getting on just the other day

Erika - sorry you are in this situation At least your DH is making a step in the right direction by taking ADs iyswim which I do think is a big step.

When is your LO due?

Simpson he's doing fantastically, actually. I hadn't seen him in two weeks as he disappeared off to Cornwall for a week, and I was so worried the whole time away that he wouldn't be coming back, if you understand me. They upped his dose of ADs just before he went away though, and last night he was in the best of moods. Struggling with his weight again, but seems happier than I've seen him in a long time for which I'm greatful.

Our son in due November 16th, eight weeks away

I hope you're all okay. x

Hello - can I join you?

DH has depression and probably/possibly something else. Don't know what yet- he's still being assessed in the pysch hospital.

Hello everyone. simpson hearing you say that is so sad. H was always closest to ds2 - a complete daddy's-boy, but they have drifted apart so much he always comes to me now But at least H is trying to rebuild ds2's trust so it's positive.

Erika it sounds like your dp is heading in the right direction. I know exactly what you mean about doing it for himself, because if he could do that then it would mean he'd be more likely to continue. Tough dealing with an eating disorder too - I'm prone to become controlling about my food when I get low, but I find exercise is the key. That way you can be controlling about something healthy and not food (unless you start exercising AND minimising calories). My dd is now 4 months old, it's definitely tougher when pregnant. Especially when everyone else is being mollycoddled by their partners and you're having to care for yours.

alwayslooking of course you can. The more people on here the more varied the support. How are you doing?

I apologise now for my intermittent posting, I don't get as much time to get on here as I used to. But I will always check. This place has been so supportive when I found it hard to explain what was going on in RL. Even my own mother who had seen H in his rages said it was really hard to believe that such a gentle positive person could be so vile and selfish.

I'm ok - at the moment it's more the shock of being on my own that's hitting me. When I try and sleep I often find I replay the events of Tuesday in my head, and occasionaly through the day, but right nows it's just effectively being "single" again (though obviously I hope that in the future once he's been assessed, diagnoses, treated etc etc we can somehow sort things out - suspect I'm going to need help with that as well.

hmm - this is sounding like I'm the one with the mental health illness.

YouKnowNothing its more the fear, I think. I'm not worried about his illness affecting the baby, but I do worry about how the baby will affect his illness, if that makes sense? I hope things are better with your H soon.

Alwayslooking I hope you get the support and help you need, as well as your DH. I know its not the same, but when I was in a physc. unit a while ago, I know my parents really struggled accepting and understanding what was happening, until they were offered short term therapy as well.

I think if I'm going to get any support from the medical profession I'm going to have to go looking for it.

GP I saw on Tuesday had a quick look at me, told me hold long the brusings/red eyes would take to go down, told me to consider reporting to the police, to make sure I was safe, and sent me on my way.

No mention at all of the fact that I'd nearly died and might actually suffer quite a bit mentally from that .

Now of course with the added extra of DH being in a psych hospital undergoing assessment it's even more to come to terms with.

always - do you have any idea how long he will be there?

How old are your Dcs?

i found DD's health visitor was fab for a shoulder to wail cry on, although I was most afterwards.

Sorry to hear they were so dismissive of you. I know its not the same, but MN is a fantastic resource when you need a let everything out and get some support - there is always someone around. If you feel you need some help and support right now, do go back to your GP, they occasionally take some nagging, but once you get the ball rolling they tend to be pretty useful.

always sadly you will have to chase support, but it is worth it. I ended up having a bit of a... "falling apart" back in February. Luckily my GP was brilliant and I got to see someone within a couple of weeks. It helped hugely. One thing she said that struck a chord was in reply to me saying I wanted help with feeling so angry and frustrated all the time, she just said, "Don't you think that after what you've been through you have a right to feel angry and frustrated?" and I just collapsed. Suddenly I had permission to feel how I was feeling and I stopped fighting it.

So I will say it to you: What your Dh did to you was horrendous. Feeling angry and hurt and confused because of it is the right way to feel and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling it. You can argue away the reasons for his actions (mental illness etc) but that doesn't change what was done to you! Don't try to squash down your feelings with "it wasn't his fault", because the fault bit is kind of irrelevant. You were assaulted by someone you trusted and that changes all your assumptions and basis for trust.

Just take it all a day at a time, and make sure you keep talking. If you can't do it in RL (I couldn't for ages) then MN is an excellent outlet.

And just so you know, you have been amazingly strong and together (although you probably don't feel like it). If you can get through a week like the one you've just had, you can get through anything. Don't forget that.

Erika I was surprised by just how many men are affected with some kind of MH problems during pregnancy. I really hope your DP is able to improve when baby is "real" My H admits that this time baby didn't really exist for him until she was born. Which in no way excuses the horrible way he treated me throughout the pregnancy (even when I was housebound and crippled by SPD), but has meant he's improved since she was born. Although that in itself makes me angry at his selfishness. But time helps.

That's one of the worse things about all this, is when he is "better" (if) we will then have to overcome everything that has happened between us and completely rebuild the relationship from the ground up. And that's an awful lot of "getting over stuff" to be done

hello all can i join please?

dh as depression on prosac for about 18months now it all started when dd 2 1/2 years was born and had some kind of seizures then ds 7 was dx with aspergers and then he to got the same dx as ds anyway dh not in work he can not work just sits and sits and sits and shouts, i am really struggling coping with it all tbh but i have to and like most of you said just want the old dh back.

Hi,

Has anyone on here ever had any successful help or support for living with someone with mh issues?

My partner has problems, very serious problems. He has bipolar, personality disorders and psychosis (to cut a long story short) He has been like it for years, since before we met, so I knew what I was taking on when I entered this relationship. He has spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals and centres over the years, and has to take so many drugs I wouldnt know where to start naming them all! We have been together for coming up five years, have a 16 month old daughter together (as well as both having children with previous spouses) but we have only just moved in together. But I do sometimes find it hard. He has always said that there is help available for people in my situation, but I just dont know what, and I feel like I am betraying him by even considering asking for support. He is wonderful, a superb man, and because he is so well establised on the meds we dont have any problems, he isnt violent or aggressive towards anyone and I have never felt threatened by him, quite the opposite. But there are some aspects of his medicated personality I find hard to cope with. He doesnt have any empathy, if he upsets me he cant understand why I am upset, even when I have told him why. He just doesnt get it. Maybe it is just him being a man, rather than because of his condition! I dont know, but it is hard. His short term memory has been very badly affected too which again causes real problems for me, as it feels like he is unreliable at times, as he will forget to feed the baby, or we will have a discussion about something and then he doesnt remember a word of it and plans something else and we end up having a row about it (not a serious row, just me being aggreived with him!) I know its not his fault, but with three kids aswell, and me having to go back to work soon, I dont know what I am supposed to do! There are other things too but I dont want to moan too much!

stephief - all the symptoms of your DH's illness are ringing bells with me

The lack of empathy or thought for anyone but himself was the thing I struggled with most TBH

When I pointed out what ever reason I was upset/angry etc he still could not see it and blamed me saying it was my fault

trace - sorry you are struggling to xope ATM.

Sometimes it can feel like you have an extra child iyswim.

Is your GP sympathetic? Could you have a word with them?

Stephie there is help out there. I was referred to my own counsellor, but then I was heading into my own mental health problems with the strain of it all. She helped hugely. I know there are support groups out there for people in our position, your GP might know of some. If not then online there's the SANE message boards which have a family bit for those living with people with problems. They might be able to point you in the right direction too.

That lack of empathy is horrible. H got pretty nasty this year. He overheard me crying in the bathroom one day (trying to hide it) and screamed at me for making him feel worse.

He is much better at the moment, and I no longer allow him to speak to me like that. Anytime he questions how I feel I call him up on it and remind him that he cannot argue away my feelings. He is really trying now, but still slips up every now and then.

trace it sounds like you need something to change. If he's still that bad then the meds alone aren't working. Is he seeing a counsellor? I think CBT works well for men. My H is on it at the moment and it has made a real difference.

My turning point came when I stopped allowing him to shout at me. Depression doesn't give you the right to hurt the ones you love.

But then my H became another person altogether, it's only now (2 years since all this started) that he is beginning to get himself together.

On the plus side he has worked throughout all of this, and I think that helped as it was something he could do. It meant he had to get up each day and get on with life.

I know there've been studies that show not working can make depression worse. Is there any way that your DH could get a job, maybe something part time to start with? Just to give him a sense of self-worth? Or will he not even consider that?

Hello, I just thought I'd bump this thread in case it can be of any help to people out there.

Hope everybody is doing OK? I do wonder how things are going for you all... My DH has been up and down and still suffers with long bouts of depression as well as his secondary agoraphobia and anxiety. We have a home visit soon with the DWP about his incapacity benefit so I'll come back and let you know how it goes. I've reduced my citalopram and I'm rather ratty but I'm sure that will ease as time goes by.

I'm very proud of DH for having given up smoking the green stuff for nearly a year now, but there is an air of disappointment around it because we were all convinced it would help ease his depression and other illnesses - so far it hasn't much .

Living with somebody who has this can be so hard so feel free to share either here or in rl, sometimes chatting about it can make you feel a little better.

Hugs, PLP xxx

Hello PLP

My DH moved out in February. Things are all still very complicated. He's changed meds again and seems a bit more stable, but he's also going through another phase of, "How can we be sure it's me who has MH problems and not you?"

And I know he's not being malicious, and it's actually a genuine questions, but it's so laughable when I think of all the irrational things he has done. He's very angry with me for asking him to move out, and although he knows it was for the children and my sake, it doesn't mean he really understands.

DH is still the centre of DH's world. And I wonder if that means that this is him now. That this personality is permanent.

He's been depressed for almost 3 years. On meds for 2.

It's exhausting.

I have distanced myself emotionally, but I still find myself regularly drawn back in.

I love him, he loves me, but he is unable to be consistent. Some days he is the man I married, the next he's cold and distant, the next he's blaming me.

And he can't even see that he's being inconsistent.

PLP, dh was a heavy smoker of the green stuff in his teens, and I do wonder if it did permanent damage that has hit him later in life. I hope things pick up for you.