Im a horrible mother , considering giving up custody and I dont know what to do anymore.

[TheDandyAnt]

I have nowhere else to admit this to. I know I will get alot of judgement and it is deserved.

I had my kids young and my entire life (even before kids) I have been so very deeply unhappy. Struggled with my mental health so badly since I was a child. Multiple attempts to end things over the years.
My kids werent planned. Ive tried to be a good mum over the years, I love them and im always affectionate, and engage, but deep down I've just always felt trapped and day dreamed of a different life.

Theyre now 10&13 and im getting divorced (very unhappy and long relationship).

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country and when we're together it's the only time my brain feels safe and quiet. Literally the only time in years I've felt any sort of happiness is when we are together. I know thats awful. They're my best friend and literally get me through each day.
I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa, and the income requirement will likely also increase beforw long. So im going to have to move there at some point and my ex would never allow the kids to move with me. I guess if they were older they could choose but I know in all likelyhood they would want to stay as they would have their own lives. Im trying to weigh up whether, if I did move, moving sooner would be less traumatic than when theyre say 16/19 plus.

My mental health is so bad right now I can barely exist and look after myself, let alone be a mother. Meds arent helping. I cant afford therapy or go to free nhs ones as theyre all in work hours. Im so scared of messing the kids up as theyre now seeing how bad my mental health is. I try to hide it but I cant anymore.
I know me moving away would " mess them up" anyway and I know it makes me a horrible person to even consider it. I know it does. I just want to be happy. I know thats awfully selfish and I hate myself for it. I know as a mother the kids should always come before our own happiness. In a way I feel like they'd be better off if I was out of their life because im a terrible mother and they deserve better.

My ex is mainly taking care of them right now, who earns alot, (I earn peanuts) and is a mentally stable and a much better parent than me right now.

Ex wants me to move away. Both kids said they'd rather stay with the ex in the family home that they know and love. I can only afford a 1 bed flat, barely

I really do hate myself for feeling like this.

I think if you’re that unhappy then do it

Do it. Your kids are what matters here. They deserve better and it sounds like better is not with you.

if you leave you will likely be happier but your children may never forgive you. Can you live with that? i couldn't. i don't judge you if you could you sound depressed. Maybe instead of leaving permanently you could trial 3 months, see how you feel.

I agree, they deserve alot better and I hate myself for feeling the way I do

If your boyfriend wasn’t in your life, would you still be planning to leave your children and move to another country?

Don't move and don't leave your kids. You're depression is telling you that you're a bad mother and they deserve better but that's not their reality. Treat your depression.

The courts would already take into consideration what they want at their ages, especially the older one.

If you're struggling so much and the dc would be better off with their dad then they should absolutely live with him.

However, moving countries to be with some random man that you think will be the answer to all your prayers will most likely end in complete disaster. If you have been unhappy all your life and suffered with poor mental health then take this time to work on you. This man seems like an escape from reality right now but it could go horribly wrong. Get yourself in a better place then think about a relationship. I wish you the best of luck 💐

I think relying on another person to feel happy is risky and also puts a massive amount of pressure on the other person. If I had a partner who felt like you do the weight of that responsibility would be completely overwhelming.

Id also massively struggle to relate to someone who could chose a man over their children.

Happiness comes from within and you need to work out how to love and accept yourself.

Moving countries to live with a bloke you barely no is not a good idea in any circumstances.

Work on yourself first though. If you need to move to your own place and be the weekend parent until you're in a better place mentally, do that.

Moving abroad with your new boyfriend isn’t the magic bullet you think it is. All your mental health problems will remain and it could bring with it a whole host of new problems. Pinning your absolute happiness on another person never works. Let your DC live with their dad full time but maintain access & take steps to improve your mental health. Happiness won’t come from another person.

Which country are you planning on moving to?

If being with another person is the only time you feel OK, that relationship will eventually crumble under the pressure. You need to address your issues rather than thinking the answer to your problems lies in this person.

You need a med adjustment, and you need to keep trying different ones until you find something that works. It is a long process of ups and downs, but it’s an investment in your longer term wellbeing.

I agree with pp that your kids will likely feel abandoned by you and will harbour that for life. But as it stands you do not seem capable to giving them what they need. I just fear that you’re on track to come out with both another relationship on the rocks and the life-long resentment of your kids. Do not go into a new relationship with all the crap you’re carrying, feeling like that person is your only happiness — it is a recipe for disaster.

I think you're going to do it anyway aren't you? No need to try and justify it. But when it doesn't work out with the new bloke, shame on you if you try to get the kids to move back in with you.

It sounds like your children have the stability and care they need and deserve with their father. There was a long and painful thread a few months ago about women who leave their children, often for another man, and the affect that has on children throughout their lives. But living with a mother who’s never had a happy moment with you and only lives for an online boyfriend has got to be pretty damaging too.

How sure are you the online person is real? Have you seen or heard Sweet Bobby? For your own safety maybe have a think about how wise it is to throw your lot in with someone you don’t really know in another country.

Have you met this person that lives in another country?

My partner is female (not that it changes anything) I do genuinely believe she is the love of my life.

Thank you for the replies, I am going to look into changing my meds as a first step as I'm fairly new into these and they are giving me suicidal thoughts.

Yes, multiple times.

I just want to say mental health doesn't make you a bad mum, neither does not having much,I didn't see my mum growing up beacuse she was locked away in a secure unit so far up country and a lot of awful things happened to me when my mum was away,but so I blame her for the wayy childhood turned out,no absolutely not she couldn't help having a mental health condition and neither can you.i got my mum home just before my 16th birthday but we discovered she had ovarian cancer and they next few years were very challenging for her health and sadly she passed away,but not for one moment so I have any resentment towards my mum.

You have to do what's best for your children but please don't beat yourself up and the mental health keep engaging with the mental health services,but stop being so hard on yourself I absolutely wish you the best whatever you decide.

Woah hold up there. You're getting divorced? Have you done a form E full and frank financial disclosure? Your ex earns a lot? You don't? What equity do you have in the house? Your ex can presumably get a bigger mortgage than you. So many questions here! The partner abroad - highly risky! Once you're divorced and settled,maybe go visit? But you need to get yourself sorted first. Taking on a new relationship when you're in a state is bound to go wrong. Plus anyway you need to do the financials.

I take it you're in the same house as your ex. Good god if you are, that is unbelievably stressful and won't be doing your mental health any favours whatsoever.

Chumplady.com
The divorce section on here.
Take a breather. Slow down .

Hopefully not a scammer!

No not a scammer. We were friends and it just blossomed. She's my best friend

Gently, OP, how well do you know her? And are you sure about leaving the country and your children to be with a woman who is OK with (1)being in a relationship with someone with significant, longterm MH problems, including multiple suicide attempts, and who says she can barely look after herself, and (2) being in a relationship with someone who is prepared to leave her 10 and 13 year old in another country for the sake of a relationship?

That to me doesn’t sound like a decent person.

She loves me, and she is an amazing person. I know her very well and she knows me better than anyone.

I have lived abroad and it’s a tough thing to do that requires a lot of resilience and mental strength. This is because other countries work in different ways and other cultures think in different ways and it is harder than you might think to adjust to these differences.

I worry that your mental
health will be worse out there, especially knowing you’ve given up custody of your children. How far away is the country, do you speak the language, and will you have any support apart from this new partner?

How will you manage if he and you break up and you’ve lost custody of your children? In many European countries you won’t qualify for any social security if you find yourself on your own and haven’t paid into their system.

Is your ex a decent and sensible man who your children will be safe with?

There are a great many practical things to think through here, but running off to another country and giving up your children very likely won’t be a long-term solution to your problems. It will create a whole new set of problems. You may also find that the systems for mental healthcare are very different in other countries (in some European countries, autism and ADHD are not recognised, for example) and that you don’t have the kind of health insurance you need for the support you want.

Also, at a simple level, it is morally very wrong to desert your children. They did not ask to be born and you have a duty to look after them. You do not have the right to abandon them and mess up their mental health as well.