Im a horrible mother , considering giving up custody and I dont know what to do anymore.

[TheDandyAnt]

I have nowhere else to admit this to. I know I will get alot of judgement and it is deserved.

I had my kids young and my entire life (even before kids) I have been so very deeply unhappy. Struggled with my mental health so badly since I was a child. Multiple attempts to end things over the years.
My kids werent planned. Ive tried to be a good mum over the years, I love them and im always affectionate, and engage, but deep down I've just always felt trapped and day dreamed of a different life.

Theyre now 10&13 and im getting divorced (very unhappy and long relationship).

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country and when we're together it's the only time my brain feels safe and quiet. Literally the only time in years I've felt any sort of happiness is when we are together. I know thats awful. They're my best friend and literally get me through each day.
I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa, and the income requirement will likely also increase beforw long. So im going to have to move there at some point and my ex would never allow the kids to move with me. I guess if they were older they could choose but I know in all likelyhood they would want to stay as they would have their own lives. Im trying to weigh up whether, if I did move, moving sooner would be less traumatic than when theyre say 16/19 plus.

My mental health is so bad right now I can barely exist and look after myself, let alone be a mother. Meds arent helping. I cant afford therapy or go to free nhs ones as theyre all in work hours. Im so scared of messing the kids up as theyre now seeing how bad my mental health is. I try to hide it but I cant anymore.
I know me moving away would " mess them up" anyway and I know it makes me a horrible person to even consider it. I know it does. I just want to be happy. I know thats awfully selfish and I hate myself for it. I know as a mother the kids should always come before our own happiness. In a way I feel like they'd be better off if I was out of their life because im a terrible mother and they deserve better.

My ex is mainly taking care of them right now, who earns alot, (I earn peanuts) and is a mentally stable and a much better parent than me right now.

Ex wants me to move away. Both kids said they'd rather stay with the ex in the family home that they know and love. I can only afford a 1 bed flat, barely

I really do hate myself for feeling like this.

And how does she feel about you leaving your children behind to go and be with her in another country? Does she have children?

Seriously do not leave your kids. Let them live with your ex but stay in this country!

leave when the youngest is 18 and goes to uni

From a practical perspective would you be able to get the right visa/residency to move there? How would you financially support yourself there assuming you don’t have a career you could legally transfer to there? How would you cope without the NHS even if it’s not the most helpful for you at the moment?

Just thinking of potential blocks to your plan. Anything leaving you reliant on a partner abroad where you don’t speak the language/have an income/have access to free health care sounds extremely high risk for someone who is already unwell.

Don't leave your kids, OP. They need you. Wait until they are older and then work out a way of being with your love full time. You can be in touch and see each other for short periods until then.

Sounds like your are putting her before your kids

Moving sooner would definitely not be less traumatic than waiting till they’re 16/19 plus. The fact that you say that shows you’re stacking this argument to justify leaving your kids to go live with this person, but woman or not, she’s not the magic wand who can fix you. All relationships have struggles and you’ll have moved countries and left your kids for her, as well as leaving your medical support behind.

This isn’t going to be some peaceful idyll where you’re a different person. You’ll take your troubles with you and add new ones, and mess up your DC in the process. Sorry you’ve made some mistakes and not had the life you wanted but you’re a parent and you can’t just take off for some overseas romance.

Whether she is a female partner or a male partner makes no odds
the fact you think it’s ok to prioritise a partner over your own kids speaks volumes
selfish isn’t the word

But how much time have you spent together? Has she been around you 24/7 when you’re barely able to look after yourself? Are you legally able to work in her country, or is she prepared to support you indefinitely? What about appropriate MH healthcare? Have you lived outside your home country before, and are up for dealing with the extra stresses of an unfamiliar environment? Do you know anyone else there?

And there’s no getting past the fact that no decent person would enter a relationship with someone who left a 10 year old and a 13 year old for them.

The fact your putting a random person who lives in another country before your two children. Yes your correct. Your children deserve far better than this. Appalling.

If you didn’t have this partner would you be leaving your kids in care of their father anyway?
It’s good they want to live with him, at least they have someone who cares about them.

Also how are you going to afford to move country? Visa? Medical bills etc?

Yes I know this. I know im a horrible person. I just want everything to stop

Limerence is very common in people with mental health/nurodivergence.

Go because you want to but be under no illusion it’s what’s best for them, it definitely isn’t! Fine for them to be with their dad but you skipping off into the sunset to be with your lesbian soul mate isn’t in their best interest.

I do care about my kids. Ive done my best to look after them their whole lives. I was the hands on parent and I did it basically alone for most of it. Im just at my breakimg point with everything and I had a mental breakdown. I see a glimmer of hope for happiness right now.
I dont want to lose them. I dont want to hurt tbem. But im hurting them now being around them the way that I am and I dont know what to do. I feel hopeless

I’m not sure how you can be in a balanced, healthy relationship when your mental health is this bad. Do you really know him well enough to move countries for him?

Also Im not planning on leaving now.

I would wait at least until my youngest finished school then he would be able to make the choice to come with also. I just know they would probably want to stay as they have their lives here.

But you said your younger child is only ten? In which case you should be focusing on appropriate treatment for your MH, as you have years before moving.

Im trying but im just getting worse and worse. Im stuck in fight or flight mode all day every day right now

You have eight years then if you're putting that timescale on?

Or do you mean finishes primary school?

In any case I dont agree with most posters here, as long as you plan very carefully how you maintain a positive relationship with your children, work with your ex collaboratively and equally then your children will experience the best of you

When you say another country, what is meant by this, an English speaking country or do you have other languages? Do you need a settlement visa to live somewhere else, can you work somewhere else?

But that’s the small print on the birth certificate, OP. You have children, you stay alive, and prioritise parenting them, and getting and keeping yourself to a place where you’re stable enough to parent them. I get that it’s hard, but that’s your job as a parent. Your idea that moving to another country to be with this woman is going to solve all your MH problems is clouding your judgement.

Maybe you could consider seeing if you could be sectioned for a while to find the right medication. What your on now isn't working.
This random person on the Internet isn't the answer op. Working on yourself, finding the right meds and support and being a happier & healthier version of yourself and kids is the answer.

Would you have the money to come back and see them regularly?

I think you should make arrangements to leave and set up home nearby. Give them the choice of coming or staying with their father. They are old enough to choose.
If they choose to stay with him, then after a time you can reevaluate your options moving abroad whilst maintaining regular contact with them. If they choose to move out with you, then you will have to put them first until they are older.

You mention you earn peanuts so wondered how much time you’ve spent with this person in real life? Are there religious/cultural differences between you? Is there room for your kids to come and stay? How will you support yourself or have enough money to get home if you needed to? What will you do if it doesn’t work out?

This isn’t what you asked for advice on but I’m thinking that if your mental health is so bad, your view on this person might be through rose tinted glasses.

I agree though that if your kids are happier with their dad who can support them well ;and in the family home), it makes sense they are with him. Men move away from their children every day and no one bats an eyelid. I guess the rules are different for women though.

I need to work.

I dont agree that she is a random person, though. I think that is very dismissive. Weve been together a fair while and we know each other more intricately than most "im person" couples im sure as we have to.communicate a lot more.

I am going to focus on my MH before making any decisions about anything or maybe I can compromise to earn enough to bring her over here even if I have to work 7 days a week. I dont want to lose the kids. I do love tbem.

im scared theyll grow up and leave themselves , maybe even go abroad, and I'll have lost the love of my life and be left alone. They will surely resent me.no matter how it goes because im now the "sad/ crazy" parent, even though I did all of the raising when they were younger I doubt they will remember how hard I tried even though I felt like I was drowning