Im a horrible mother , considering giving up custody and I dont know what to do anymore.

[TheDandyAnt]

I have nowhere else to admit this to. I know I will get alot of judgement and it is deserved.

I had my kids young and my entire life (even before kids) I have been so very deeply unhappy. Struggled with my mental health so badly since I was a child. Multiple attempts to end things over the years.
My kids werent planned. Ive tried to be a good mum over the years, I love them and im always affectionate, and engage, but deep down I've just always felt trapped and day dreamed of a different life.

Theyre now 10&13 and im getting divorced (very unhappy and long relationship).

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country and when we're together it's the only time my brain feels safe and quiet. Literally the only time in years I've felt any sort of happiness is when we are together. I know thats awful. They're my best friend and literally get me through each day.
I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa, and the income requirement will likely also increase beforw long. So im going to have to move there at some point and my ex would never allow the kids to move with me. I guess if they were older they could choose but I know in all likelyhood they would want to stay as they would have their own lives. Im trying to weigh up whether, if I did move, moving sooner would be less traumatic than when theyre say 16/19 plus.

My mental health is so bad right now I can barely exist and look after myself, let alone be a mother. Meds arent helping. I cant afford therapy or go to free nhs ones as theyre all in work hours. Im so scared of messing the kids up as theyre now seeing how bad my mental health is. I try to hide it but I cant anymore.
I know me moving away would " mess them up" anyway and I know it makes me a horrible person to even consider it. I know it does. I just want to be happy. I know thats awfully selfish and I hate myself for it. I know as a mother the kids should always come before our own happiness. In a way I feel like they'd be better off if I was out of their life because im a terrible mother and they deserve better.

My ex is mainly taking care of them right now, who earns alot, (I earn peanuts) and is a mentally stable and a much better parent than me right now.

Ex wants me to move away. Both kids said they'd rather stay with the ex in the family home that they know and love. I can only afford a 1 bed flat, barely

I really do hate myself for feeling like this.

Does she support you bring an awful mum? Is she reinforcing that belief, or telling you that you aren't?

No good person would encourage a mum to leave the country where her children live.

Do what most dads do after divorce. See your children EOW and work on improving your situation here not a relationship online.

OP I'm sorry this is happening, I know you wouldn't have wanted life to end up like this, no one plans this, so please give yourself some kindness.

Leave the family home and allow your children to be cared for by their father, but I would strongly advise moving to another country to be with this man, this is not the answer. You might be feeling some level of attachment activation, which will likely collapse. Leave the home and buy/rent your own, see your children at weekends and do planned activities, you will have fun and will feel better knowing there are parameters around the responsibilities. Dedicate time to yourself, your job, your health and social circle. I believe if you leave your children and move countries you are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

She doesnt want me to leave my kids no. That was never the plan. She wants to come here. We didnt know going into it that it would be this hard. She earns a decent wage so we assumed she could come over. She cares about the kids also.

I see your point yes. All I can say is she is my person and I know that in my heart I wont ever love anyone the same way as I love her.
Nobody has to believe me, you can scoff, but I know. Mental health issues or not.

If you are not the best person to provide a stable, loving, safe home for your children then it can be a greater act of love to surrender custody to the parent that can best provide for them, and then work hard to be a loving part of their lives, even if you dont live with them.

@TheDandyAnt you still haven't said where your partner is based, yet multiple people have asked.

Do you know the visa rules on moving there? Do you speak the language? Are you able to access health care there?

I don't see how you can't afford the spouse visa if necessary, full time on minimum wage is around 25k, all you would need is a few hours overtime or a bit of evening work to take you over the threshold. Yes there are visa fees on top but if your partner earns well she can pay for that part

I'm not scoffing, OP, I'm concerned, like many other posters. Even leaving aside your MH issues, I don't think that coming out of a long, unhappy marriage is a good place to make any decisions about future relationships. A LD international relationship on which you have clearly become acutely psychologically dependent, and which ovelrapped with your unhappy marriage is even more concerning. Do you have real people in your life? Friends in the same physical space, who know you well?

Do you see what I'm saying? That it's not a great time to be making major life decisions, or deciding that you won't ever love anyone else the way you do her.

If you're so mentally incapacitated would you meet any visa requirements to actually move and medication needs etc over there?

Tbh you're thinking with emotions here rather than your head. How will you get through all the tape to actually do it?

Jesus Christ

So, taking your children out of the equation it’s still ridiculous that you think spending 12 short weeks in each others company, despite having a ‘pen pal’ relationship outside of that 3 months, means you know each better than anyone else or ‘intricately’. You know what she’s ’presenting’ to you. That on its own doesn’t suggest it’s a good enough reason to give up your job and life in this country. and THEN factor in your children and it makes it insane. Put ALL your energy, all of it, into getting better for the human beings who you’re supposed to love more than anything in the world, instead of putting it into a woman who doesn’t even live close to you who you’ve spent 3 seconds of your time with.

I don’t understand the point of this thread op, did you just want a bashing as some sort of self punishment? Or did you want help and advice? People are offering advice and you’re not acknowledging it. Or reassurance that it would actually be ok to leave now?

But moving when dc are adults is not the same as abandoning them now, I don’t know if your story has changed? and seeing them every other weekend is what millions of dads do around the world. It’s not the parenting I’d want to do but plenty of men get away with doing it whilst telling everyone they’re excellent parents, so I don’t know if you need to be beating yourself up.
your relationship - as ill advised as it is - is neither here nor there really if you’re not moving for another 8 years.

Sorry to be blunt but this woman shouldn't have even met your children to care about them. You've spent 12 weeks together.

Long distance relationships are hard. This won't be helping your mental health.

This woman who earns good money already,shouldn’t care where she lives as long as she is with you.

It's not scoffing, it's just sensible. Everyone feels like I know that in my heart I wont ever love anyone the same way as I love her. to start with especially when it's a long distance romance and a refuge for the much harder reality of life around you. But you're not teenagers, you're a mother with severe MH troubles, and you can't uproot your life and jeopardise your DC's future for these feelings.

You were already naive to the reality of someone moving countries for love, and it's not just about money in the bank. It's bloody hard to keep the love alive with all the stresses of one person moving countries even without the added problems you already have. Stop clinging to this idea that she's what you need, when you need to be okay for yourself and your kids and not be fixating on this other person when you're barely divorced. You shouldn't be in fight or flight mode. There's no clock on this relationship, no rush or reason to be with her now. Get the help you need to get yourself well and be there for your children.

You said you were "video calling and talking for hours a day"....so put that effort and energy into studying, to get you in a higher paid job...and then you'll meet the wage required.
I'm sure you're worth more than a minimum wage job!

It will never stop as you are a mother, tjose kids need you. What if the new person dumps you ? you need to find happiness in yourself not a random person! Your kids need to be your joy, find a way to make that happen. Are you possibly neurodiverse?