Im a horrible mother , considering giving up custody and I dont know what to do anymore.

[TheDandyAnt]

I have nowhere else to admit this to. I know I will get alot of judgement and it is deserved.

I had my kids young and my entire life (even before kids) I have been so very deeply unhappy. Struggled with my mental health so badly since I was a child. Multiple attempts to end things over the years.
My kids werent planned. Ive tried to be a good mum over the years, I love them and im always affectionate, and engage, but deep down I've just always felt trapped and day dreamed of a different life.

Theyre now 10&13 and im getting divorced (very unhappy and long relationship).

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country and when we're together it's the only time my brain feels safe and quiet. Literally the only time in years I've felt any sort of happiness is when we are together. I know thats awful. They're my best friend and literally get me through each day.
I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa, and the income requirement will likely also increase beforw long. So im going to have to move there at some point and my ex would never allow the kids to move with me. I guess if they were older they could choose but I know in all likelyhood they would want to stay as they would have their own lives. Im trying to weigh up whether, if I did move, moving sooner would be less traumatic than when theyre say 16/19 plus.

My mental health is so bad right now I can barely exist and look after myself, let alone be a mother. Meds arent helping. I cant afford therapy or go to free nhs ones as theyre all in work hours. Im so scared of messing the kids up as theyre now seeing how bad my mental health is. I try to hide it but I cant anymore.
I know me moving away would " mess them up" anyway and I know it makes me a horrible person to even consider it. I know it does. I just want to be happy. I know thats awfully selfish and I hate myself for it. I know as a mother the kids should always come before our own happiness. In a way I feel like they'd be better off if I was out of their life because im a terrible mother and they deserve better.

My ex is mainly taking care of them right now, who earns alot, (I earn peanuts) and is a mentally stable and a much better parent than me right now.

Ex wants me to move away. Both kids said they'd rather stay with the ex in the family home that they know and love. I can only afford a 1 bed flat, barely

I really do hate myself for feeling like this.

Exactly this

Don’t do it OP. At the moment you think the grass is greener and the worse thing that can happen is you leave your kids and it doesn’t work out… you’ll feel more alone and suicidal than ever and your kids probably won’t forgive you. I believe that you should be happy however, prioritise getting her over here and don’t consider going there.

You’re using your MH to justify a decision you know is wrong, with the whole “But I’m hurting them now being around them the way that I am”. The solution to that problem is to do your best to get yourself better not run away from them. That really will only make things worse in the long run. If I was this woman it’d kill all my attraction for you if I knew you were willing to abandon your children in a different country

OP, 12 weeks on and off is still honeymoon.! You haven’t done the hard graft of living together and struggling with money problems.

Gently but firmly, you are a parent and you need to focus on getting well so you are there for your children. You don’t, as a parent, have the option of upping sticks and going to another country for love, messing up your children in the process.

You are focusing on this as an escape route. Any person who wants a mentally ill person to leave their kids and home country to move countries and be completely isolated with them is likely to have questionable motives.

What you need to do is focus on getting well for your kids. Fix your meds, get counselling (I’m assuming you won’t be able to pay for this in a foreign country?) fix your diet (at a guess, it’s not very wholesome?) get walking outside, get sleep.

You will end up in an even worse state when you carry the guilt of leaving your children, I guarantee you. Don’t mess yourself up further. You still have some agency here, use it the right way.

They’ll resent you a hell of a lot more for leaving them than they will for you being mentally ill! Any normal person can see that one is a selfish choice and the other is an illness you have no control over.

Exactly. Which is why so many posters are wondering about the feelings, morals and motivations of this woman in the other country. No one with even an averagely developed normal ethics would enter a relationship with a mentally-ill mother who’d left her children to be with her. The OP says herself that the woman doesn’t want her to. But as the OP also says herself that she doesn’t earn enough to sponsor this woman’s visa to come and live in her own country, and presumably the other woman knows this, maybe the other woman is just happy being pen pals?

You said you can’t access therapy but have you tried? Round here they do some early some late apt and lunch time apts and they can be done online. What do you do? Have you spoken to your boss about taking your lunch break or an hour holiday even once a week for this very important medical appointment for your mh? I appreciate some jobs won’t work for that but many will.

starting a new relationship that you hope will fix you and your situation is never going to work. Moving to a new country where you don’t know anyone else, have a job, leave your kids etc is a good way to isolate and make yourself even more vulnerable.

If you think you’re hurting them now, and it will hurt them to move, the solution isn’t to move, it’s to work on your mh. I think you need to focus on your mh and put absolutely everything you can into it

Quite apart from anything else, you're only just getting divorced. By your own account, you had your kids young and been in relationships from an early age. However you frame it, this is a rebound relationship from a bad marriage and it's warping your already warped feelings about how this is the big love of your life.

As PP said, 12 weeks patched together from trips is not the reality of each other. Online comms and calls is absolutely not the reality of what people are like to be with. Comparing it to your bad marriage doesn't make this woman your soulmate. You need time alone with your kids to heal and get yourself well without another person in the mix in a new (and it is new) relationship where the stakes are crazy high.

I think you're kidding yourself that because it's a woman, that makes it immune to all the strife you'd had before and it's bound up in your self-discovery of same-sex attraction as well. But women are complicated. You are very complicated and she's got a whole life over there that you know next to nothing about. It'd be different dating some woman down the road where it could burn bright and blow over without too much fall-out. This is a classic wrong time/wrong place situation and you would be literally mad to ruin your kids' lives by leaving them for her.

This is significant.

Was your marriage abusive? Is there still abuse?

You need to focus on regulating yourself: practice mindfulness, grounding techniques, get affordable therapy (there are schemes, many will do online sessions too if they're not in your county)
Your biggest challenge right now is that you need to build a life you don't want to escape from.
Finding joy in the small things.

Do you have a support network?

As it sounds quite unhealthy that you've pinned this woman as the saviour to everything. You need to refurbish your foundation, so that you have a strong footing to cope without her also.

I’d listen to the advice here OP. I have been in a similar situation to you in the past where I thought “but I’m damaging my kids now with my mental health so they’d be better off without me here” but I wasn’t considering running away, I was considering ending my life. It genuinely made sense to me at the time, but now that I’m better I can see that that was my mentally ill mind talking and it wasn’t rational at all. Because when you’re ill your mind isn’t rational. No one else can fix you, you can only fix yourself, it’s helpful if other people can support you of course, but you can’t depend on another person to completely fix you. It never, ever works. I learnt that the hard way and I wish to god I’d known what I know now then. If this woman genuinely cares about you, she will support you to get better and be a good mum to your kids and once you’ve done that (and it is possible I promise) you can think about being together then. But being together still shouldn’t mean you leave your kids

Yes.
But that's not to say it doesn't mess the kids up and give them an almighty abandonment wound and complex, that they will carry into their own adult life and likely need years of therapy to undo and understand.

You're not a horrible person, you've fallen in love and being with her feels like a huge priority. But even if you are a less than perfect mother (and who isn't?) your children need you close at the moment.

Why can't your friend/potential partner move here? I think you said something about not being able to afford a visa, but that may just be an excuse. Would she be leaving children, family, work, etc? It seems like you have a lot more to lose from going over there. You say you are not a good mum but believe me your children still love you. Your ex is making you feel worse,, but that's just so he can have custody. 'You really need to sort out your MH before making any decisions. You owe this to your children and any future partners you may have.

The OP has said she doesn't earn enough to sponsor this other woman for a visa, as she's in a minimum wage job. However, as she also says the other woman doesn't want the OP to leave her children and move to be with her, it's perfectly possible this friend/potential girlfriend may be perfectly happy with the status quo where they're in contact and see one another for occasional holidays., and sees no reason why either one of them should uproot their lives.

You are considering leaving your children, potentially have them hate you and losing contact when they’re older for a woman who you have spent 12 weeks with?! Not even 12 weeks on the bounce but broken up? Wow. 12 weeks!!

This is good advice.

You can’t rely on a partner to make you happy, it’s nuts! I can’t fathom moving away from your children and proceeding with same sex relationship, presumably for the for the first time, with someone you’ve only spent 12 weeks with! You were unhappy when you met her so how can you trust your judgement? It sounds like an escape to me and you can address your happiness whilst maintaining a long distance relationship.

I think it's really common with depression to feel like your loved ones would be better off without you. I promise you, it's not true. It's your unwell brain telling you things that aren't true.

Your children need you, whether they stay living with their father or not. They need to know you love them and that they come first, before anyone else. You've been a good mum all their lives, despite your struggles. You can continue to be a good mum but you need help. Running away from your responsibilities to be with someone you've spent 12 weeks with is not the answer. It is a fantasy you are using to escape the troubles in your life.

OP you need to get some help with your mental health and work on getting well and healthy before you can make any long term decisions. You can call 111 and press 2 to speak to someone about your mental health. They can make a referral to your local mental health crisis team, especially if you're feeling suicidal or hopeless. Please call them and take the first step towards getting some help.

If you are going to wait until your 10 year old finishes school you have another 7 or 8 years to go. I think moving when they are adults is absolutely fine.

I wonder if your new relationship is a bit one sided. You have a void in your life to fill, she is happy enough with how your friendship is. You cannot sponsor a visa for her to visit long term , so presumably this is a non eu country involved. How much do you know about life in that country, whether you could get a visa, work and have access to healthcare. If she was not involved is this really something you would consider or are you going in the hope she will give you a happier future. Surely it is not fair on her to be so dependant, let alone abandoning your family and jeopardising their relationship with you. Do not make this decision while your mh is so low.

It isnt one sided. We are in a romantic relationship and she is equally dependent

12 weeks in person but a year romantically together and we were friends for a year before that (talking and video calling for hours a day) ive never had such a strong connection with anyone ever. Yes im aware it makes me a bad mum to consider moving at some point down the line. But my kids will grow and have their own lives and I want to have happiness in my future also

I have to earn at least 29k a year to sponsor her for her to come here, her income doesnt come into it. I am stuck in a dead end minimum wage job and I cant see a way to earn more. They also plan to increase it to 38.5k soon

God I’ve got a ton of beans in the cupboard older than this relationship.

Again, OP, respectfully, I'd have to question the judgement of someone who is 'dependent' on a LD international relationship with someone who is seriously mentally ill with a history of suicide attempts, on the rebound out of an unhappy marriage, still going through the divorce process, isn't able to have her children living with her, and with whom there's no obvious future because of visas and parental responsibilities. And with whom she's spent a total of 12 weeks in the same space.

Do you see my point? This is someone who also has poor judgement.