Im a horrible mother , considering giving up custody and I dont know what to do anymore.

[TheDandyAnt]

I have nowhere else to admit this to. I know I will get alot of judgement and it is deserved.

I had my kids young and my entire life (even before kids) I have been so very deeply unhappy. Struggled with my mental health so badly since I was a child. Multiple attempts to end things over the years.
My kids werent planned. Ive tried to be a good mum over the years, I love them and im always affectionate, and engage, but deep down I've just always felt trapped and day dreamed of a different life.

Theyre now 10&13 and im getting divorced (very unhappy and long relationship).

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country and when we're together it's the only time my brain feels safe and quiet. Literally the only time in years I've felt any sort of happiness is when we are together. I know thats awful. They're my best friend and literally get me through each day.
I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa, and the income requirement will likely also increase beforw long. So im going to have to move there at some point and my ex would never allow the kids to move with me. I guess if they were older they could choose but I know in all likelyhood they would want to stay as they would have their own lives. Im trying to weigh up whether, if I did move, moving sooner would be less traumatic than when theyre say 16/19 plus.

My mental health is so bad right now I can barely exist and look after myself, let alone be a mother. Meds arent helping. I cant afford therapy or go to free nhs ones as theyre all in work hours. Im so scared of messing the kids up as theyre now seeing how bad my mental health is. I try to hide it but I cant anymore.
I know me moving away would " mess them up" anyway and I know it makes me a horrible person to even consider it. I know it does. I just want to be happy. I know thats awfully selfish and I hate myself for it. I know as a mother the kids should always come before our own happiness. In a way I feel like they'd be better off if I was out of their life because im a terrible mother and they deserve better.

My ex is mainly taking care of them right now, who earns alot, (I earn peanuts) and is a mentally stable and a much better parent than me right now.

Ex wants me to move away. Both kids said they'd rather stay with the ex in the family home that they know and love. I can only afford a 1 bed flat, barely

I really do hate myself for feeling like this.

You actually sound like you have been a very devoted mum and you now are so desperately unwell that you are coming up with irrational solutions.

Start with the obvious solutions. If you are this unwell that you consider yourself unfit (when you are clearly not, when you were less ill) you need to take time off work to address your illness.

You said you could not go to the free NHS therapy as it was in working hours. So that is the first thing to tackle, not moving country.

Secondly you are a lovable person and you will find someone who cares for you and lives you IN this country near your children.

Yes, your children definitely need you however broken and unfit you FEEL, that won't be the way they see it.

Please get signed off and seek more help from your GP.

What sort of country/culture are we talking about here op?

And what if they don't resent you? What if they want their mum in their life? Op your seeing everything half empty and your views are distorted right now. Its not that bleak. You need to focus on getting yourself healthy and back to a normal state of mind. Take some time to yourself and really speak to your GP about how you're feeling. Please. If you say they are the love of your life then they too should be trying to get you help for your mental health.

I think your husband is also reinforcing this belief that you are unfit as he well might to get custody. This is not in the children's best interest however he might spin it
There may be financial reasons and coercive he is convincing you you are unfit.
Again you need a trained counsellor to get some sort of balanced view on this; your lovely friend, who should have your best interests at heart hasn't given you the overview you need here which is a bit of a red flag, that she is not the right person to entrust your fate to.

When you feel as unwell as you it is not surprising very extreme solutions present themselves as perfectly sensible but THEY are false solutions.

We all have fantasy lives that comfort us in extremis it is comforting to imagine there is a safety net (my children are better off without me) if we were to "jump" but please please don't think that is true

To be clear my partner does NOT think I should move there. Obviously she wants to be with me but she doesnt want me to leave the kids at all. She is happy to move here I just dont earn enough.

Weve been together a fair while and we know each other more intricately than most "im person" couples im sure as we have to.communicate a lot more.

People say this about chat CPT
Time to live in the real world OP
your relationship isn’t full of day to day stress and mess! It’s escapism, a fantasy world and you can’t live there and be a good parent.

Ive had a 18 year relationship and I can confidently say that we already know each other better than I knew my ex and he me.

I am aware im not a good parent

You're getting an absolute hammering on here and you don't deserve it. Your depression is telling you that you are worthless to your children. This is a lie. You clearly are a good mum, but you are ill. Don't make any rash decisions. Take one day at a time. Be there for your children while you get yourself better. If, in a few years, you still feel the same about your partner you can make the move from a more positive position and nurture the relationship with your kids at the same time. But please don't let your depression talk you off this metaphorical 'cliff'.
You are needed. You are loved. Take care of yourself.

But of course they’ll grow up and leave, OP! That’s what children are supposed to do! Your job is to launch them, not expect them to stick about to repay you for having not left them to move to another country.

And I notice you’ve said nothing about how much time you and this woman have physically spent in the same place. Have you ever actually met?

We have spent 12 weeks together, split into multiple visits.

12 weeks Vs over a decade with your kids and she wins?! Is her puss made of gold?

You can't help how you feel, The DandyAnt.

Keep in touch with and see your children as much as you can.

Respectfully, OP, this is mad. By your own account you’re a seriously mentally-ill person with lifelong poor MH, including multiple suicide attempts, who can barely function at the moment — isn’t fixating on a LD relationship in which you have spent a total of only 12 weeks living in the same place just likely to be another manifestation of poor MH and a fantasy of escape?

And bluntly, what’s in this for the other person?

Yup just abandon your kids…great idea

@TheDandyAnt you are clearly depressed and you need to get help ASAP. Coming here and writing a post about being a bad mother is just asking to be flamed, and I think that’s what you want, because you feel like you deserve that.

The harder choice is to sort your life out, starting with your mental health, then decide what you are doing about leaving etc…the easy choice is just abandoning your kids…DO NOT TAKE THE EASY ROAD!

The hardest bit is getting help, do it in the morning, phone the GP and get some talking therapies and/or have your meds changed.

What country is she from ? Is she a parent herself or does she want kids because frankly no woman or even a mum should be letting another mum give up her kids for her. Yes I completely get you’ve had a rough life but you chose to have your kids . You can’t just abandon them now for a partner. You need to find someone in the uk . Please go to the doctors , get signed off and better meds and hopefully in time you’ll see the clear side of things.

Your illness is lying to you. It is lying that you are a bad mum. It is lying that your children would be okay without you. It is lying that all would be rosier in another country, with a new partner, totally cut off from any other support network. Work on your illness first, so you can continue to be the mum your children need. If you abandon them, that would make you a bad mum, and would do them psychological damage.

Your children need you. But they also need you to get better. Living and functioning with depression is incredibly difficult but you have to try to get better before you make a huge life decision. It’s really unhealthy to put all your hopes of happiness on a person. It also puts a lot of pressure on them. Maybe a break could help. A few weeks with this woman. But your first step has to be to seek treatment with no excuses. Your physical and mental health and children have to come before work. Speak to work and your GP and make them aware that you’re struggling.

Sort your depression first, don't put a new relationship above your mental health & your kids. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP & tell them exactly how you feel, they can increase your meds or change them. They can also refer you to the community mental health services & talking therapy. Now is not the time to be starting a new relationship even if it is in this country, you need to put all your efforts into improving your mental health. Start to help yourself by eating well, exercising, even if it's a 10 minute walk each day, every day write down anything positive that has happened, ignore anything negative. Does your employer have occupational health services? If so ask to be referred, they can often start therapy to bridge the gap until your NHS therapy can start. You say you have suffered from depression since you were young, have you always felt like you didn't fit in, struggled with friendships? You may want to explore with your doctor & therapist if you may be autistic, I suffered with what I had thought was depression from being a teenager, I was diagnosed with Autism age 53, I'm now going through the assessment process for ADHD, I'm not saying it's a magic bullet but understanding that I'm not an awful person & I'm just wired up differently has helped my mental health so much. Find the telephone number for your mental health crisis team & the Samaritans, sometimes it can just help to speak to a stranger who is just there to listen. Just remember you love your kids & they love you, I promise things will get better, it will be a bumpy road but one day you will come out the other side of this.

Lots of women leave the kids with the ex partner if it's in the best interests of the children. No shame in that IMHO

This isn't enough to base a decision like this upon. Trust me, I did something very similar in my twenties (no kids involved, until we had them together 🤦🏼‍♀️) and as anyone sensible could have predicted the relationship didn't work out. I got away lightly compared to what could have happened.
You can continue your relationship with her at a distance for the next few years. The children may be primarily in their father's care but you'll be nearby and you'll see them often. That is what they need, not you living abroad.
Can you get signed off work for a bit to focus on getting better?

No, it's the moving abroad bit that she shouldn't be doing!

Yeah, the info that you won’t be leaving for another presumably 6-8 years while your youngest finishes school was a pretty ridiculous drip feed.

I really think you need to shut this thread down and start a new one dealing with the real problem which is that you need urgent help managing your mental health and being a good parent, instead of fixating on long-term fantasies.

FWIW, the only person I know whose mum ditched her as a kid for a new life overseas is seriously fucked up by it.

I fell in love with a person who lives in another country. I cant get them over here, as I will never earn enough to qualify to sponsot for the visa

Sounds like a love scam where men/women abroad prey on vulnerable British women in order to get money and/or move to the UK. You need a therapist and antidepressants, not an online boyfriend/girlfriend who probably has other motives. She’s not a partner because it sounds like you haven’t spent time with her in real life.

If you prioritise this woman over your children they kiss goodbye to a relationship with them that probably won’t recover even when they’re adults.

You owe it to your kids and yourself to try your best to get better. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there myself. I also used to think finding the perfect relationship would be the cure to all my problems. It’s not, I promise. Relying on another person for your happiness (especially when you’re depressed) is a dangerous thing to do, because when you inevitably ruin the relationship because of your MH (as I have done many times) you’re back to square one, except you’re even more depressed than last time. And in your situation, you’d be in a foreign country alone after having just permanently ruined your relationship with your kids. You’d have nothing else to live for and that’s a dangerous place to be. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s a cliche because it’s true..happiness needs to come from within. I know running off to this man sounds like it’d solve all your problems but it won’t I promise. Your mental health issues will follow you. Don’t abandon your kids, they’ll never forgive you and it will severely damage your relationship. My mum abandoned me when I was 12 for a man..moved an hour away and I didn’t see her for 6 months before she started “letting” me come and stay for a couple nights each week. I still resent her for it now and it’s resulted in quite a strained relationship even 30 years later, so I can’t imagine how bad it’d be if she moved to another country permanently for a man. I doubt I’d ever speak to her again. You need therapy or/and medication. Start with your gp. I wouldn’t be making any big life decisions when you’re this depressed, you really can’t trust your brain. You need to look after yourself

And you could leave and it doesn’t work out or get off the ground.then what