I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

Have you tried ask once, Ask again but add an or, then simply follow through.

For the strawberry example, DS sit at the table with those strawberries, thank you. DS sit at at the table , or I’m putting them bak in the fridge. If he’s still not sitting then just take them off him and put them away. It can work for various other things, but it is time consuming, it requires your input and it will take a while to sink in/start working. It’s very important though that you follow through each time.

What does your DH say when he hears you shouting at the kids and calling them little shits?

It can work but still doesn’t actually make them listen to you. And it only works with some things. DD has a toy pram he keeps sitting in, keep telling him not to and he’ll break it, he ignores me x 1000, so I take her pram away because he won’t stop sitting in it, doesn’t feel fair.

I don’t know. I now believe some things aren’t solvable; there isn’t a strategy or a solution.

This ⬆️ is why you’re struggling. You urgently need treatment for your mental health because your thinking over this is irrational. And what’s scary is that you can’t see it.

You are rather making it sound like it happens every day when in fact it was once, earlier today, when I’ve already told you he was outside which is where the children were until they suddenly came in fighting about this ball (and seriously if anyone could see this ball … a red plastic thing; literally nothing special.)

I do sometimes think it would be better if I just left tbh but I don’t think it really would be.

That’s another reason why you’re struggling so much. Most kids would have something, anything that they care about. Do positive reinforcement/ rewards work?

I work with very difficult kids ( the kind of kids where parents break down and cry if they are on a reduced timetable because they can’t cope with them at home without the full break school gives them), so while I have a lot of little tricks and suggestions that might work at some time or another, I also know that there are some kids where nothing works , or at least not at a level where it makes an impactful difference.

I now believe some things aren’t solvable; there isn’t a strategy or a solution.

The thing is that pretty much all the behaviours you've described are very much in the spectrum of normal for a two-sibling family with this age gap...which is maybe one of the most common family permutations. So many, many mums have been through these challenges before and have come up with strategies and workarounds.

Don't get me wrong, I've lost it at my kids before, more than once. But I guess a difference is that I've picked myself up and trusted that tomorrow will be a better day, whereas you do come across as feeling as if your situation is uniquely impossible. But from my pov there doesn't seem anything particularly unusual about your kids.

I think it’s me who has done a shit job tbh 😂

I don’t know with DS, there may be something else going on or there may not. Jury is out as they say. He isn’t too bad on dry days and when you can just let him off the leash but if he’s confined to the house he destroys it.

DD is a lot easier in many ways, unless she’s with DS when she is a whingey, stroppy, silly and defiant child. Unfortunately.

So you can see why I regret having two so much.

It might be normal, it’s still fucking unbearable.

I have one of those - and my tactic is whatever it takes to survive. The more rules you impose the more stressed you will be. Let 90% of it go and always end the day with a cuddle and a kiss and an ‘I love you’ - I once did this on a day when my DS smashed two high res televisions and kicked me in the face. I didn’t really want to at first but I’m very glad I did.

This one would be “get off , or I’ll give her your … whatever thing he doesn’t want broken “ or “get off , or if it breaks you’re not getting x /not going to y to pay for it”. Then follow through and remind him it’s the consequence of him not listening to you the first time .

I’ve done that before , like hoovering DD’s little bits/toys that she didn’t pick up (after i told her to and that I’m coming round with the hoover). They’re gone now, tough. Same when doing something, “stop or it’ll break and i’m putting it in the bin and not replace it”. It broke, off in the bin it went. A reminder of not getting another one while doing it too. She eventually learned that I always follow through and it makes HER life easier to just listen the first, or at least the second time.

I think @allovernothingagain is venting. She’s obviously very angry and I think she needs to let it out in a safe space like here. I think she’s also getting some positive feedback from the less than positive posts. I think we have to let her vent and hit out as well as punish herself by saying things she knows she’s going to get a shitty answer to (she thinks she deserves it).

maybe a wee bit further down the line the Op will come back and say she’s been to the drs or spoke to the HV and that she also put some of the things suggested here into place and things are a bit better. But for today the op needs this thread the way it’s going and we should let her lash out.

Agreed, but I draw the line at allowing for her to lash out at her children verbally - that just can’t happen again.

We do this too. Got kicked in the face and then smacked my head on the wall. Ended the day with a high five, a smile and a “see you tomorrow buddy”.
Not a lot more you can do, and deteriorating relationships don’t help anyone. But fuck me it’s hard sometimes(no matter how you rationalise it and you’re the adult) so hats off to you , as at least I only get it 6/7 hours a day plus the break of the holidays.

This is a hard read but I get it. I’ve had a similar experience and although mine are older now, I remember talking about how difficult it was and being met with explanations about how it was just how toddlers are. But, it transpires that one of my children is neurodiverse and when I look back, I know there was truth in my cries for help about how hard it was. That’s not to say your child is neurodiverse, but, sometimes I wish someone had just said to me, “y’know, you’re right, it IS really hard”. So here I am, saying it’s ok to say how hard it is and you are probably absolutely right. That’s not to say it’s healthy to have such a negative viewpoint of your child but it can be used as a level of acceptance to move on from. I ended up being prescribed anti anxiety medication and I keep my head above water by using earbuds/ loop earplugs. I hope you can find a bit of relief soon.

I don’t think the thread is very helpful and I should have left it hours ago. Some of you are more saint like than me, I am afraid.

I agree, sometimes it feels super hard because IT IS. Everybody denied my DC had any issues until he was about three, ha! They’re not denying them any more! 😬😬😬

Just hopping on to give you a virtual hug. You sound right at the end of your tether.

Just two suggestions from me:

1). Pick your battles. I.e. your DS was walking around with a bowl of strawberries - I'd just say 'Put it on the table' once and then leave it after that.

2). For you DD - when she cries for your DS's item, just grey rock her. Make the whole situation boring. No coaxing or trying to replace the ball. Just say 'oh that old thing, whatever for?' And move on. If she screams, let her. She has to learn boundaries.

OP, none of us are saints. None of us. We’ve all lost our tempers, felt overwhelmed, felt like shit parents, thought we should just leave. This is why many of us are pointing out to you that what you’re experiencing is fucking tough, and you need help to get through it.

To advise you as I've had similar issues. But hey ho, you mentioned it in the first place not sure why if you're then funny about people picking up on it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most won’t have been exactly where you are though. It’s hard to understand when things work as they should. Could one or both of your children be neurodiverse OP? Any family history?

I am as far from a saint as it is possible to be. And absolutely not perfect. But I know that to stay sane while parenting my spicy combo of kids I have to keep everything very simple and, to a great extent, relinquish any idea of control. I keep them safe. I love them. They can’t help being kids and I make myself remember that every day. Make myself being the operative phrase here: it’s a constant
work in progress. But I knew I’d signed up for that when I had kids.

@geminicancerean Agreed, but I draw the line at allowing for her to lash out at her children verbally - that just can’t happen again

I wasn’t aware that anyone had allowed it.

Don’t forget the sanctimonious amongst us either😉🤣

I think you’ve lost sight of the things that feel too big to tackle and are focusing on little things. Youve said you don’t care about anything quite serious, But you do care about strawberries. And,as there’s no fix, you seem to have failed on the side of what’s the point in trying at all then.

I think people are being a bit harsh because it comes across like you know you’re not being nice to your kids but you don’t care enough to do anything about it. Obviously that’s not true, but I think that’s what some people are reacting to.

another thing I’ve tried is just laughing, eg asking him a few times about putting the strawberries on the table / getting out the pram whatever. Then I laugh and say something silly like you little stinker! Pick him up and give him loads of kisses whilst spinning him around or something and physically sit him at the table with his strawberries. I might then sit with him and try to keep the jovial mood and playing up (I keep toys within arms reach of the dining table all the time!). He might do it again because now it’s a game, but mostly it stops it being a power struggle, he’s happy for attention and a game and he’ll allow me to shift him then to a game that’s more acceptable to me. It works because he doesn’t really understand consequences but it stops the behaviour still. I absolutely struggle to do it though on bad days.

I know people hate gentle parenting but I think it’s really good. In the sharing example you might say no dd, ds has that toy right now. Then if she carries on you acknowledge her feelings and say I know it’s frustrating but we can’t take peoples toys, shall we find another toy. She’ll probably ignore you. You can offer a hug and comfort, and distraction but it is what it is she’s not getting the toy. I’m not saying it works every time but it’s obviously gentler and makes them feel less frustrated than just ‘no’ and then being ignored or yelled at, and so sometimes they kick off a bit less.