I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

Kindly, OP, why is this upsetting you so much? Your 5 year old sounds like a trooper, why not praise them
for such kind sharing, talk about how toddlers are annoying sometimes because they’re learning, and give them one of the alternative balls / some extra attention for being such a kind sharer?

But we’ve all said things to our kids that we don’t mean when we’re tired - go give them a hug and say sorry.

You can’t really @tiptjestation , she doesn’t listen to me trying to say that nicely and then she’s following him around screaming, trying to pull his hair and wrestle him. Take her out of the room and she runs back, trap her somewhere for a while and she runs back as soon as she’s released (screaming all the time) there’s nothing that seems to work. Sometimes I feel like I absolutely hate her and then that just makes me hate myself.

Perhaps ask your Ggp or health visitor for some parenting classes for you both, they can be helpful to learn how to get out of your head and look at the parenting issues objectivley so it's not as stressful.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread, OP. You are rejecting all the helpful advice.

Would you prefer one of us to take her off your hands and raise her so you can just enjoy your eldest?

I say this to deliberately provoke as I don’t think you really mean that you wish you had never had her. She’s just a little girl.

I get that parenting two at this age is relentless but …?!

My two are the same age. We have a totally foolproof solution for when this happens (daily).

Dc1 puts the ball down and picks up any other toy (say, a toy microphone) and pretends to be enjoying that. Dc2 says my microphone! And tries to grab it. Dc1 pretends to be reluctant for a moment then hands it over. Dc1 gets the ball.

We do this literally every time and it works every time. Dc2 is starting to come out of the phase anyway and starting to get much better at waiting his turn... neither seem to be the worse for our temporary solution.

My parenting motto is "just do whatever works to make your life immediately easier because it's all a phase anyway"

have you tried a timer? It works amazingly well in many preschools for sharing toys.

Op, the whole point is, when you feel overwhelmed you hand one or both your dcs to their dad, and you go for a walk, get some peace, have a coffee with a neighbour, ring your sister or whatever.

Your 2yo hasn't done anything wrong she's just being two, and we all know they can be infuriating. So take a break before you get to the point of verbally abusing her. She doesn't understand and all you have done is frighten her.

Ok, so you know you can't go on like this and you can't speak to a tiny child like that again.

You also know that the current situation isn't working for anyone.

The sentence that stood out for me in your posts was "until she gets it". What happens if she doesn't get it? And she isn't pandered to by someone rushing to find her an alternative?

It sounds like both kids could do with some really clear, firm and ruthlessly enforced boundaries. She doesn't get to take something from the 5yo. He never, ever gives in and gives it to her unless she stops tantrumming and whining. If she starts following him, she's removed from being near him until she can behave nicely to him. And you repeat over and over again but the boundary is that she never gets what she wants with that behaviour.

Would your 5yo be up for being taken into your confidence on this? Eg the next few times she tries it on, he agrees to give her the item only ^after% she's asked nicely and then waited five minutes for him to finish with it. That age can quite enjoy being part of the solution.

FWIW I think three years is the toughest age gap when they're this age.

She’s done plenty wrong and I don’t think she’s going to change. I was actually on my own in the house, they suddenly came upstairs (they were with DH in the garden) so I don’t think it’s his fault. It’s mine, firstly for doing such a bad job at raising her she’s this unpleasant and then for losing it.

I have actually tried that @Kingdomofsleep and it hasn’t worked here. It’s literally everything, like even him going to school with his own fucking bag. It’s just beyond tedious.

@mellongoose i am sorry but if the helpful advice doesn’t work saying it doesn’t work isn’t rejecting it. Like if someone says ‘it’ll take about three hours on the train’ and you say ‘I know but I need to be there in an hour and a half’ you’re not rejecting it, just explaining that doesn’t work for you.

If she doesn’t get it she just carries on until she does or until I lose my shit.

I’m genuinely not being deliberately obtuse. I just feel like I hate my child and I hate myself and that loathing is spilling onto here.

I will tell you a story about my two when they were 5 and 2.

Ds had been given loads of train tracks and trains for his 2nd birthday that he loved playing with. At some point dd had been given one very pink train. She was quietly playing with just that one train. Ds was playing with all his trains on the train track. I was passing him the trains. Suddenly ds was very desperate to be passed a train.

“Which train do you want ds?”

Ds looked at me, smiled and said “Lucy’s”.

Ten years later it is hilarious.

I was typing as you posted this, sorry. But it does sound like you still need to keep pushing through. So say you take her up to her room until she's stopped screaming. You don't leave until she does. And if she goes after him again, it's just on repeat.

It does sound a bit inconsistent which will just be fuelling her idea that this is a way to get what she wants that works sometimes.

You can change both of those things.

And anyway it isn’t just the toys and stuff.

It’s the tantrums over everything

the refusal to eat (I didn’t even bother doing her breakfast this morning as I knew she’d refuse; she did.)

the demands for things from them both. Like ds yelling for someone to put his shoes on and when no one emerges in a split second yelling AGAIN; like give me a fucking second. Asked for an apple and ‘yes let me put this stuff in the freezer and I’ll give you one’ I WANT AN APPLE

i am sick of them and there is no end in sight to any of it

I’m not really in the mood to engage with common sense that I’ve tried many times before getting to this point. Toddlers aren’t sensible and besides she’s just not very pleasant.

Go and see a doctor, OP.

You really need to see a GP op. This level of negative feeling towards your kids first simply being kids isn't normal. Best to get checked out and talk to your GP honestly.

When you say 'she's unpleasant' and 'i dont think she's going to change' it shows you've lost all perspective. She's not an adult. She's not even 3 yet. She is a tiny developing toddler...this isnt a character fault, it is a developmental stage. You cant fix her or make her better. She will evolve and grow beyond it. How's about yoy frame it as merely an exercise in patience. E.g. if you were told that she'll be 50% less intense and whiny in 6 months' time and then 90%less within a year, does that sound manageable? What tactics can you and DH (years, it needs to be a team effort) employ during 'peak toddler' phase. It is not forever. You need to do whatever you can to make this period bearable, rather than framing it as you have an awful child because you are an awful parent. That isnt the case. The annoying toddler will grow out of it.

I probably have @Twattergy but in fairness it’s been going on nearly two years now and is showing no signs of waning.

It isn’t just that anyway but proble is when you post on here in a crisis you’re posting about that tipping point and everyone focuses on the tipping point, on the straw. And of course the straw is manageable on its own.

Do you work?
The only way I coped with this age was outsourcing it, I could just about tolerate the evenings and weekends in the knowledge I got to spend lots of regular (paid) time away in the week whilst someone else took over. It was easier to be at work than at home.
when the youngest turned three it didn’t seem so bad.
Theyre 23 and 21 now and its all a memory.

I work but that’s as much a source of misery and stress as the kids are. I wish I could walk away from my own life tbh.

I have a just turned 5 year old and a just turned 3 year old and it can be really hard.

If your DH is already pulling his weight, the only thing you can do is change your mindset. Remind yourself your children are young and still learning how to behave. Whilst sometimes annoying, none of their behaviour is a character flaw... they are just learning how to be human.

If your 2 year old is whining or trying to take something from your eldest, pick her up and move her and accept this might result in a tantrum. Then give her a hug and move on. I think trying to avoid tantrums just makes it worse when they happen. If you accept they might throw themselves on the floor and scream for a bit, it's less stressful if it happens (and make sure your son knows it's not the end of the world if she gets upset, it's normal for 2 year olds to have tantrums... he shouldn't have to give her things to keep the peace).

I've found acting out conflicts with toys helps a bit. Especially if you get them to tell you why teddy shouldn't take the toy from dinosaur or whatever. And over praising good behaviour. But nothing is going to make a toddler act reasonably all the time).

Also take lots of deep breaths and get some headphones.

You need to stop giving in OP, and stop your older child from giving in.

She can winge and cry but the answer is no. Every time you/they give in you are basically telling her “yep, that’s exactly how you should behave” because she gets what she wants.

Is she in nursery and how does she behave there?