I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

Have you tried reading this, @allovernothingagain ? Or can you get a cleaner in, to lighten the load?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Siblings-Without-Rivalry/dp/1788708679/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=38799BD1FX9KV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.t7Yal-4EoZHOh_tuOyYcK0bsH_5Y4Hgp2yeyrbjy_8kSKM0mYfyBG2vuV1vvWeGopjjb7ucfHVTYM835A-6zUJDJTorvZOiEK7Fg5MQZ1gBCQdYA2xJYlIvD64LJC6Yen7S7Rs1MwyVvzd41jjr2ZXbnE5oSTL62v9GdeYhB2GTG4BAHeBONXC8n-QFQ81A9TjgODkd-uINEwZqwDJ9O5g.tUywcvR9zyszrBJnvX6AArSgxpftoJLaGof3OvMyamI&dib_tag=se&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry&qid=1774198281&sprefix=sibling%2Caps%2C292&sr=8-1

Sorry for the huge long link.

You sound so unhappy and defeated @allovernothingagain

I do think your doctor can help you, with medication. Your Health Visitor can also offer support.

I understand that you're feeling desperate. Please do your best to get some help.

I am an Old Lady these days but I had four children and I do remember how relentless the care of toddlers is.

OP feels guilty, hence projecting hostility and mirroring it back. It comes from a place of frustration and insecurity, which doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person, just in a bad place.

Honestly, I am a tad wary of parenting books as the ones recommended on here just … aren’t that good 😂 and maybe I have obtuse kids but the strategies seem insincere and unhelpful. But regardless I’ll have a think. I don’t think it’s so much rivalry as the fact they bring out one another’s worst qualities. Ds can be boisterous and destructive while DD can be whiny and demanding and both are very stubborn.

I think there has been some hostility actually, without wishing to be argumentative or peevish, if you read through there’s a lot of ‘well if you’re going to ignore our helpful advice’ when actually I didn’t really post saying ‘please help me stop this particular situation happening’ (I already have previously and nothing suggested worked!)

Sometimes you have to do hard things lots of times before you start to see any benefit. People are giving you good advice, you just aren’t in a place to receive it.

DS can be boisterous and destructive while DD can be whiny and demanding and both are very stubborn

Small children are very hard work.
It's not surprising that you're feeling worn down. How long have you felt so hopeless?

I do agree it is really hard to ‘fix’
My DD used to be like this with wanting others’ toys. Last summer we went out and she wanted every toy that the other children had. Even in the cafe she was crying as she wanted the one crayon another girl had.
I’d say it gets better at preschool as they teach sharing and it comes from someone else and not a parent (if that makes sense)
I’ve had to hide so much jewellery if I don’t want it played with so I do sympathise with that too, it does sound normal but exhausting.

Flaming the OP? Did you mean to type blaming? Nobody had done anything of the sort. Odd.

I think people are being quite kind to you OP, considering you said the following to your small children: ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight’

Because that ⬆️ is abuse. You owe those children to get yourself to a place where you will not abuse them verbally like that ever again. It has to stop today.

It's a hard age op. You just need to find a way to block out the whining and calmly keep saying no, use distractions and don't give in. By eventually caving and giving her what she wants all she has learnt is that if she keeps the whining and crying up for long enough she will get what she wants, and your son is learning that his sister comes first. Parenting is hard and this will get harder as you enforce the boundaries before it gets easier. You had a bad day. It happens. Deep breath and go for round 2 and everyone is quite rightly asking about what support you have if you are overwhelmed. If you need help ask.

OK but I think you’d expect to see results after nearly two years. Anyway, I CBA to bicker about it.

It worked, though.

What do you mean by inappropriate with each other? There seems to be a dysfunction between the two of some kind which might be fuelling this behaviour. Have you spoken to professionals about this?

Op, can you elaborate on the inappropriate with each other?

Because you frightened them.

Yes if you verbally abuse and frighten your kids they will probably comply. Would you like me to explain the consequences of this as an adult if it becomes a long term pattern in how you treat them?

@allovernothingagain you sound completely at the end of your tether and I’m wondering if you could consider going to your Dr for a full check up and see if there’s anything physically going on that could have you really worn out.

There’s also the possibility that you could have a form of undiagnosed PND despite your daughter being two. It’s not just something that happens in the days following having a baby.

Honestly Op, if you were my daughter I’d want her to do the above and the PND would be my first thoughts as to what could be going on.

regards 💐

Why? I don’t think it’s something we really need to discuss, given we don’t always know the motivation behind pushing. A lot of it is ‘innocent’ in the sense they don’t understand the implications but attempts to put boundaries in are ignored UNTIL you get really annoyed and as noted above then they are scared. But … some stuff you can’t just ignore.

Hard to know what to do tbh. I do know staying calm doesn’t work, if anything it massively seems to inflame the situation. Consistency hasn’t made a jot of difference either.

I don’t really give a shit tbh.

Thats pretty obvious.

OP, do you enjoy any of the time you spend with DD and DS? If not, it's much bigger than just needing a break- you've been repeating in this thread 'stop telling me I need a break!' At work we call it burnout. You aren't a shit mother. But you need some kind of help.

I have DS5 and DD2. I'm way less patient with everything this time around. Like argh do I really need to go through this phase again! I don't think a 2 year old can be naughty though.

Hard to know what to do tbh. I do know staying calm doesn’t work, if anything it massively seems to inflame the situation. Consistency hasn’t made a jot of difference either

it sounds as if they’re used to a certain reaction and they keep on going till they get it even when it’s not a healthy reaction from you. I think as people have previously suggested they might benefit from more one on one time with you as a way forward but even that will only stand a chance of working if you’re physical and emotional health are in good shape.

We could play tit for tat like this indefinitely.

I have to parent the kids I have, not fictitious ones who do actually respond to calm, positive parenting. Mine don’t; in the case of the younger one it actually seems to inflame the situation and makes it worse.

So either we accept screaming and whingeing and crying or ,,, we don’t.

I don’t think it’s that @Jellybelly80 . Until recently I hardly ever ‘lost it’. But anyway, I don’t really think any of that is particularly important.