I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

Ok no grandparents.

Paid childcare then.

Or literally one parent & child leaves the house all day. And then the other set the next day. Try activities like swimming where they can be at opposite ends of the pool.

You’re all oversensitiised to the same shit over & over.

Do they have their own bedrooms? Make each a no go zone for the other. I still do that for my tweens - past 8pm they just bicker if they’re together.

Please please go and see your GP asap

I don’t really want to live this life others are insisting I should, where one child and one parent are effectively banned from the house. Might as well split if that’s life and each take a child each!

It isn’t fixable, this is just my little corner where I admit deep regret and sadness and long for what might have been.

What do you mean by they are inappropriate with each other?

It’s so hard OP I know. Next time something like that happens I would say, “big brother is playing with that now, you will have a turn next” then take the 2 year old out of the room and put her in a different room. Stick some headphones on or earplugs if she tantrums and leave her to it. My two area bit older now and play well together so it does get easier

But it really is fixable. Time and consistency are the biggest factors. I find your posts really alarming, OP. I’m a single parent and I fully understand how overwhelming it can all be, how you feel like you’re constantly failing. But you sound like you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown. You need to get yourself to a GP before you end up hurting someone. There’s been some really good advice given on here, if you listen to anything please listen to the many posters who are telling you to seek professional help.

And so she keeps doing it, because it gets her what she wants.
You need to calmly say to her no she can't have it, your other child is playing with it. Yes she will cry and scream but you have to stick with it. Just keep saying it. Take her away from the situation to calm down in another room if needed. She is only two and has no handle on her feelings, you have to manage the situation. Two year olds are illogical, it helps to remember that. Her feelings feel massive and overwhelming to her. She needs you to stay calm and provide boundaries. Yes it's incredibly hard but that's how it is.
If you feel this is too much for you seek help, I'd suggest self referring for a family support worker, you can most likely do this via your local social care early help team.

It is not going to change. I’m sure it will take different forms and different ways but the overwhelming thing is there, that they aren’t children I particularly like or enjoy caring for. I do know that is a me problem but that doesn’t make it any easier.

So what are you going to do?

You can't and don't want to live like this.

You don't want advice or sympathy.

So what are you actually going to do, tomorrow, this week?

I was going to ask this OP. You obviously cannot stand them especially the 2 year old. Is she safe in your care?

What can I do? I don’t think there’s much else other than keep going. Do I have to ‘do’ anything; isn’t it enough to share what I’m secretly feeling on here, is a plan of action needed?

No, not trying to be snarky at all. Your 5yo isn't unreasonable so make it so that he and you are in cahoots.

You've got more than one ball. Dd is trying to snatch the old ball. So DS goes and fetches a new ball. Now, DD either falls for the ruse and switches target onto the new ball, or still clings onto the old ball... presumably DS doesn't care which ball he has.

Then you and DS glance at each other, laugh "toddlers eh! Doesn't she realise a ball is a ball!" And each child goes off to play with a ball each. And having a brief laugh with the older one about how unreasonable the younger one was just then, lightens the mood.

(This system sort of requires you to have multiple versions of things but if your house is an averagely cluttered family home then that part is easy.)

@Kingdomofsleep I didn’t think you were purposefully being snarky but it really isn’t about a ball.

She wants what he has but she is not stupid and can see through the ‘ds picks up something else’ trick.

And DS isn’t that mature that we can ‘look at one another and laugh.’ Mostly because it isn’t fucking funny.

Ok don't then. Keep going. Good luck.

Then you keep on saying no. Both of you. I know it's tedious I know it's mind numbing, I understand it's stressful, and that you are at the end of your tether, but that really is the answer. She has to learn no means no. Not maybe or yes.

I feel like everyone is fixating on this as a problem that’s so easy.

Just say no. Tell her she can’t.

I do. I mean, if I didn’t she wouldn’t be screaming, would she? It doesn’t make a jot of difference and it’s fucking awful to live with.

I get there is an instinct on here to try to fix stuff but the truth is it isn’t fixable; I’ve tried for a long time, it isn’t getting better and what does happen is you get so ground down that you sort of stop caring and that’s where I’m at at the moment. I don’t care what happens, whether she eats or not, whether she behaves or not. I’m just done.

I feel for you OP, you really sound like you are at the end of your tether. You have so much repressed anger and frustration, that you frankly sound scary.

The thing is, that you have posted on a here and people are really trying to help you… not criticising, but understanding (we all have bad days) and really racking our brains to think of anything at all that might help. This is what we do, especially when some of what you have said is alarming.

I can’t think of anything that people haven’t already suggested. Please get some help, this is not a healthy situation for either you or your children.

It's not easy, bringing up kids isn't always easy. It's a long haul, at the moment it's the terrible 2s for your youngest. I'm not sure what you want from your post, people are trying to help you. Lots of us have been there, we are offering advice because we know that being consistent is the only solution. Let her scream, she will get fed up with it.

Maybe people are trying to help but when they are posting things like ‘just say no’ it is actually very frustrating because it’s treating me like an idiot. It isn’t just that issue anyway but I do get that was the trigger if you like. So of course everyone thinks that if I just say no and the toddler sweetly agrees not to lose her shit over some old shitty ball no one even knew existed until a few hours ago all will be well and I’m trying to say - it won’t, it isn’t.

No one thinks you are an idiot. Often though not being consistent means that the child thinks that screaming works. So you say no, she screams, you want quiet at any price and give in. She wins. That's her mindset.
If other people say no, does she still scream?

I don’t have tips and tricks I’m afraid, all I can say is I understand. My youngest is independent, self motivated, knows what he wants, persistent, determined, strong willed, a rule breaker, questions everything, thinks for himself. This was all a big change from my eldest who follows rules and does as he’s told without questioning things. My youngest is an absolutely amazing child and he’s going to do fantastic things in this world when he’s grown up, but holy cow is he hard work to raise! The toddler years were… challenging to put it mildly. I think, like other posters have said, you would benefit from seeing your GP to talk about how you’re feeling. Your work life is stressful, your home life is stressful and the world on a whole is extremely stressful right now. There’s no shame in asking for some mental support.

Op I think venting here can be enough for today, or tomorrow or this week but yes I do think you actually have to do something
it’s not fair to anyone in the family to carry on like this.
your children will grow up and realise you don’t really like them. Your mental health can’t handle this level of stress and overstimulation.
your eldest is struggling with your youngest. Your youngest is just struggling. I’m not sure what you mean by they’re inappropriate with each other but that sounds a bit alarming too. Something does have to change, accepting nothing will fix it so we’ll just carry on as we are doesn’t really feel like an option thst is fair to anyone. No one here can tell you what to do, or how to fix it, you’re right. But you can make some small steps for now, so that maybe in a few weeks or months it’s ever so slightly easier.
you can see a gp or a HV or access other support.
you can divide and conquer for a few weeks so you get a breather, it doesn’t have to be forever. Non of this has to be forever, but it’s obviously hard right now.

It isn’t really about not liking them, it’s about finding the combination of them unmanageable and small frustrations build into something bigger than it is. I could try to explain more but I can feel the thread is quite hostile which is understandable as I’ve been upset and frustrated whilst posting it.

It is hard to know what to do because even if I could magically solve the chasing after dc1 whining problem (I can’t) it would just be replaced by another problem or issue.

You’re snarky because you know it’s a you problem and you also know that the way you are coming at it all is a bit unreasonable.

Regardless of whether your DCs are behaving totally normally or potentially a bit neurospicy the way you approach the next stages will be pretty much the same.

You don’t enjoy parenting your children. You don’t like the noise they make. You don’t like their dramas. You resent having them. You especially resent your youngest as you feel the issues became more pronounced when they arrived on the scene.

Do you feel like you should be enjoying them? That there’s this whole side to parenting that you’re all missing out on? What would a good parenting day look like to you, and please don’t be snarky and say something like ‘Where they don’t argue all day and destroy everything’ - think about how you’d all interact and what would be going on.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel trapped or frustrated by parenting young children but I do have to tell you that the outburst you related to us in your OP was verbally abusive. Regardless of how you feel that has to stop right now.

This is all up to you OP. You can take proactive steps to initiate changes in your situation or you can choose to remain where you are currently trapped. The lesson here is that nobody is going to come and pull you out of this, it’s up to you to claw your way out.

No one is being hostile.

You say you find the combination of them unbearable but reject the suggestion of divide & conquer as well. You’re not thinking rationally. And that’s ok. But please see it as what it is - a sign you need proper mental health support.

Show your DH this thread and make a GP appointment for tomorrow.