I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

He can hear me fine, just ignores me.

Do you have any other options ? Different gp/private? An employee assistance program through your or your DH’s work? You’re basically on a monocycle juggling 25 plates that are on fire AND with a broken arm. Fixing that broken arm would slightly give you more capacity.

You honestly sound so low and worn out and done, I genuinely feel for you.

@allovernothingagain if you don’t want to see your go, would you consider self referring for text based therapy? That way no one can hear what you’re saying and you don’t need to take the kids anywhere.

You sound like you need support and you deserve it too.

I really don’t want to go down the medical route. It is realistically anti depressants or counselling. I’m not really wanting either.

Ok - actually trying to help here -
option 1- do nothing, be miserable for foreseeable future

option 2 - seek external help - GP, health visitor , whatever - something
option 3 - choose a different approach e.g. yelling at them to get them to comply , have an easier life now but feel guilty about it (maybe?) and suffer consequences later when they are older

OP I sympathise. I hope you’re ok and don’t beat yourself up. Sometime you just need to vent without fixing.

I actually think your issues with DD might inadvertently be being caused by DS. DD has learnt that if she screams enough DS will get to the point where he will give in and give her whatever she wants so that she's not bothering him anymore. I think him (understandably) giving in has led to this behaviour especially if she doesn't behave this way with anyone else.

It does mean telling him that he needs to stop giving in and to come to you if she is getting too much and you will shut her in whatever room you are in - explain calmly to her that she can't have x and can't leave the room until she calms down and then ignore her and get on with whatever you're doing until she calms down. DH needs to be aware too so you are all on board and calmly consistent.

You do need to be prepared to remove her from situations though, it's not fair just to tell DS that you can't do anything about it. Just take her to another rooms and do some jobs there while she has a melt down.

Kids often need 'reminding' of things a few times before they do it! Sometimes a choice works, 'DS you need to either eat those strawberries at the table or they need to go back in the fridge.' Expect to have to be like a broken record though, it's one of the 'joys' of parenting..

OP you really sound like you're stressed and depressed, you constantly say you just don't care any more, You don't know how to talk in front of the GP so I would suggest write down the issues in advance and hand it over to him. I've done this more than once before.

Do you have friends or family you can off load to? Seek support from? Maybe DD needs an assessment?

OP sending massive hugs as I know how overwhelming life with kids can be. I can remember booting a fought over toy over the fence and swearing to a family member if it were the Middle Ages the kids would be’fockin married by now.’ Good times 😂

It isn’t just the whining when ds has got a toy. I think a lot of the frustration from me has come from that point but actually like most things there was a lot of stuff before that’s been ongoing for a while.

I do understand that two year olds aren’t very rational creatures but that doesn’t stop it being soul destroying. I had a massive horrible tantrum to contend with this morning over DH leaving the house. Absolutely inconsolable; screaming for ages, trying to hit me. Finally got her calmed down and then we went to the park for a bit then the supermarket where to be fair she was really good and this is the thing, she’s generally OK away from ds. Home for lunch and then the screaming over the stupid fucking ball happened and it’s just them together, it’s just awful, awful, awful.

It doesn’t feel like it matters what strategies you put in place - it doesn’t change the fact it’s awful. And so my own regret and dislike of having two children is really what’s key here and I suppose what the threads about. And there isn’t a solution to this, there just isn’t. I was a good parent to one child; to two, I’m not.

You need to learn the age old parenting technique of letting a lot of shit like that slide. Let him walk around with his strawberries. No conflict.

What happens if you just let her scream and walk away and get on with things?

Maybe you do need to just let quite a lot of it go uncorrected or unpunished. The more rules you impose the more insane you will feel. So the 2yo screams, they do that, walk away. They’ll stop eventually. Maybe you feel you should be enforcing these rules because that’s what good parenting is. I’d be very interested to hear about how you were parented.

I mean, I let my kids walk around eating which is sloppy but I also don’t verbally abuse them, so I can guess which form of parenting social services would be a lot less concerned about…

Right now she’s destroying a tower he was trying to build and I’ve had to tell him there’s fuck all I can do about it

This is really normal too with toddlers and older siblings and there are things that can be done. Option 1 is DS uses the dining table for any projects as DD probably can't easily reach what's on it. That's my preferred option. Option 2 is DS plays in his room with the door shut. Option 3 (most exhausting and therefore the worst option but still an option) you distract DD with something else.

There was a thread about this very problem recently in Parenting, with good tips. I'll see if I can find it

And that’s where resentment builds because when my house has been destroyed and we have an infestation of ants because of dropped food I kind of find it a bit hard to sit serenely back and say that’s cool.

@Kingdomofsleep shes nearly three, not ten months or so. She can get on a dining room table and open a door.

OK sure but she won't be able to see what's going on and will be less tempted to mess it up. I did say mine are the same ages... if my 5yo is doing something in her room and I'm engaging the 2yo in something else, he (the 2yo) doesn't usually try and see what his big sister is doing. Out of sight out of mind. I also never let either of them climb on the table.

Is it partly that your younger one is bored? Is there enough around to engage her, or are more of the toys suitable for the 5yo?

For example my 2yo loves jigsaw puzzles and I have them on a low shelf...my 5yo loves arts and crafts so she does that on the dining table and ds can't immediately see. The jigsaws are in his eyeline so he starts playing with one of those. Whereas if dd5 forgets this rule and does crafts on the floor, ds2 messes that up and distress ensues all round

Well I sympathise with you OP. There’s only so much domestic one can take.

Take the day off work without telling anyone in 3 weeks.

I’ll tell you a tiny bit about me OP, just so you understand where I’m coming from. I have a child with multiple disabilities who has the emotional maturity of a 2yo in the body of an 11yo. He’s on ALL the benefits. Special school. The works. I cannot stay on top of his every move - he drops food, dents walls, breaks toys, screeches very loudly. I cannot correct him over and over because a) it doesn’t go in b) he forgets it immediately and c) he will have a meltdown.

And he’s been doing that for just over nine years now.

He has a sister and just like your youngest he will destroy or attempt to take over whatever it is she is playing with.

I am telling you from a place of great tiredness that you need to let some plates fall.

My DS will likely behave like a toddler forever. I have to learn to live with it. I can’t shout at him or abuse him - he wouldn’t understand and would just be frightened. You have to find a way to live with your situation too, and luckily for you it will probably get easier very very soon. In the meantime, let your DS walk around with his strawberries for a bit. I promise you it really doesn’t matter.

You’re not going to get an infestation of ants over a handful of dropped strawberries. You’re fixating on the housework as a means of controlling an environment that feels out of control. I can’t understand why you’re so dismissive of going to your GP. You are clearly depressed and you are going to hurt someone if you keep going the way you are. Do you give a shit about that, at least?

Dear God people, enough with the abuse accusations!

Are there any consequences they care about? Even if they seem mean/ridiculous/unreasonable. Even if they cry and scream for hours after.

And again people hone in on the minutiae of a post instead of actually listening to what I’m saying (and actually we already do have an infestation of ants but never mind.) It is a reasonable request that a five year old does not march around a room with a bowl of strawberries but sits either at a table or the sofa.

I don’t give a shit about much at this moment in time, no. And I care about the strawberries; it matters to me.

Not that I’ve found.

I’m listening to what you’re saying. I’m hearing a woman who says she hates her children, has no compunction about screaming and swearing at them, and has disregarded an enormous amount of patient hand-holding from PPs here who are gently trying to highlight the enormous emotional harm you are doing not just to them, but to yourself. And your responses have been rigid, and dismissive, and concerning.

The abuse is a fact, it’s in the OP. And it is abuse, as harsh as that sounds. And it’s urgent that OP does something about that.