I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

You are beyond exhausted, you need a guardian angel to magic you off to a sleep sanctuary for a week with no visitors, calls or messages allowed. Not a practical solution I know but I wish I could give it to you.

I'm curious @allovernothingagain as to why you haven't even acknowledged the numerous PP who have suggested it might be helpful to see your GP to ascertain if you are depressed

So what help do you want from us? Serious question. You seem to resent any comment or suggestions and in your own words “ don’t give a shit” so what are you looking for? People can be really supportive on here if you let them

@Catmousedoghouse thats quite interesting as until recently I was a lot more patient with no2. Behaviour has been very challenging lately and other things as well. I’m mostly just fed up of how relentless it is; you cajole out of one tantrum and wham, two seconds later straight into another. I can mostly cope with one at a time but not both together, they really are a different kind of horrific then and I’m not the only one who has commented on it.

Probably because I know I won’t. I don’t find it easy to talk about, certainly not with my GP and I’d have to go with at least one child with me and don’t feel comfortable discussing in front of them. So I shall soldier on 😂

I don’t give a shit about long term effects. My priority is getting through the day, then the night, then the next day. I’m not really thinking beyond that at the moment.

Hello! I have some ideas.. I don't know if they have been suggested yet but they worked for my children.

1. timer on my phone. Each child gets 2 minutes then keep switching until they are bored.

2. get the older kid on side and tell them to pick something they want to play with then something they don't. First he plays with the thing he wants. She takes that. Then he plays with the thing he doesnt want. You then say that's fine but you arent switching back to toy 1. Then he gets original toy back and she thinks she's winning.

3 - idea for you. Give yourself a certain amount of shits to give for example 10. Think to yourself is this really worth giving one of my shits up for? If its not just loud sigh and move on. If it is deal with it.

I have been there with a screaming 2 year old you couldn't even look directly at or she would screaming like a banshee but I PROMISE she did stop doing it. Write it off as 'hormonal' because it helps me to relate to her and think yeah sometimes im a bit of a nob for no reason as well.

Hope some of this helps. Also recommend Tripp drinks for grown ups 👌

I completely hear you . I felt like this for a while when they were little. I distinctly remember locking one of them in their bedroom at aged two as I thought I might kill them if the screaming and tantrums didn’t stop and I didn’t trust myself near them. I needed my own time and the behaviour of that particular child improved massively when they started pre school. She’s 30 this year and blimmin’ lovely but wasn’t nicknamed ’the toad’ for no reason . If it helps - at all - my daughter is massively intelligent and I think a lot of it was frustration with her child’s body not being able to keep up with what her mind is capable of. Your daughter sounds very similar. You need some time away from her and your son and your husband x you’re losing yourself. I look back at the early years - as much as I love my kids - like sometimes it was like torture. And I’m sure all the super mums on Mumsnet will sit back and sagely tell you how wrong it is to feel like that but I promise you you’re far from unusual.

Your physical and emotional health are very very important and to be honest the more you dismiss the suggestions being offered the more it seems that you could be unwell. It can be very difficult to accept that despite thinking we’re ok snd that we could be a very big part of what’s going on, we’re in actual face not well enough to be coping.

And you’ve said you’ve only started to lose it recently but that means nothing except that it’s only recently you’ve run out of steam after soldiering on for ages.

This really does help @lifeisgoodrightnow as honestly I’ve been feeling like an utter shit of a person. I still do but I really just am at the end of my rope and coping strategies and nothing I’m doing seems to make much difference!

She does seem quite smart in some ways but then seems quite babyish and ‘behind’ in others: hard to know.

I am not that lucky.

Op, but you’re not getting through them in the real sense.

Could you make an appt with your Dr and ask your husband to even take time off work to look after the children so you can see your Dr alone. Could you even speak to your HV if you can’t face your Dr.

I only ask because this is all going to have an effect on the children and before long you may have teachers or nursery nurses flagging concerns and you won’t have any choice regarding whether you talk to someone or not about how you feel.

Absolutely idiotic.

This is completely uncalled for and I’ve reported your post.

That's a shame that you don't feel that you can reach out for that support - just improving your mood a little might make you feel less negative and hopeless

And there will be some way of having a confidential conversation without one of the children being present

Why is it idiotic? She is behaving abusively towards her children, saying she doesn’t care if it has long term effects on them, saying she doesn’t like them, refusing to listen to any sensible advice. If she doesn’t get some help this will escalate and get worse as other posters have also suggested. People are kindly suggesting there is a mental health issue going on here but it is her responsibility as a parent to do something about that. This is not babysitter and spa day territory, or even parenting tips territory.

@Jellybelly80 here is an actual conversation I’ve just had with DS, who was walking around with a bowl of strawberries.

Me - DS, don’t walk around with food, love.
(I know - wrong; you’re supposed to tell them what to do, not what not to do. Mea culpa.)

‘DS, take those strawberries to the table.’

’DS, take those strawberries TO THE TABLE.’

It really doesn’t matter what the ‘right’ way of doing something is if it yields no results at all.

Try and arrange something with your DH so he can be home with the kids and you attend the appointment by yourself. AD’s might not change your kids but, they might give you the capacity to cope with them better.

You say you've been pretty good with DD lately, and only recently you’ve been this overwhelmed. What changed?

I think the hardest thing that a lot of posters can’t imagine , is the relentlessness of it all and the fact that nothing works. That will just increase your frustration, because if all the stuff people are suggesting and should work… don’t, where does that leave you?

Age might improve things, it generally does. That doesn’t help you now, today or this week however.

To be fair I am sounding absolutely awful from this post but I’m not normally like that. It’s just I’m unfortunately realising that if I want them to actually listen to me and behave I do have to do something different - obviously swearing at them isn’t right but something that works and I’m sorry but all the standard advice just fucking doesn’t!

Ok I acknowledge this and am happy to apologise but honestly as someone who was treated like this by my own mother for many years it is fucking triggering. I wish someone had helped her, I wish she had asked for help. Small children can tell when their parents hate them.

I can’t @EwwPeople and I really, really am not interested in seeing my GP. Thanks, though.

Has their hearing been checked? Just a thought on the ‘no response’ comment.

You need to prioritise a visit to the GP and be vulnerable with them about how low you are feeling, you sound very depressed.

I don’t hate her, I hate her screaming, ruining my other child’s play, I hate her hitting me, I hate it when she refuses to eat, I hate it when she spoils things.

Yes, she’s two, I know, I know she is two. But the other one is five and his childhood is over and that isn’t right.

Right now she’s destroying a tower he was trying to build and I’ve had to tell him there’s fuck all I can do about it (I did not use those words.)