I can’t go on like this

[allovernothingagain]

I can’t cope any more.

Two children, aged five and two.

I am right on the edge of my sanity. Five year old comes in from the garden with some old ball, nothing special. The two year old decides it’s the most special toy ever and follows the five year old around sobbing and crying ‘mine, my ball, myball.’ Two year old is nearly three and this has been going on for months, years even. Attempts to distract her, find a different ball, just don’t work. Only that one will do, so the five year old ends up giving her that ball just to shut her up.

This time I lost it but in such an awful, cold way. I said something like ‘happy now, spoilt, selfish little shit? Enjoying your ball? Get out of my sight.’ And they both did, looking subdued and scared.

I’m not surprised. But I can’t live like this any longer. Honestly I just desperately wish I hadn’t had one of them; life was manageable with one but two is impossible. Where one is easy the other is awful and vice versa. I love them but I do resent them as well.

Just know that YANBU

It’s okay for you to set whatever boundaries you need (within reason) to survive those years. Just remember both their core personalities are still forming (until age 7 I believe?) so do the best you can.

It will get a lot better. I hate all the judgment and sanctimony that can exist around parenting when honestly at times you are completely psychologically cornered.

There is nothing harder (though I say that as a single parent).

She is 2?

You ned professionel help to understand your child. Ask for it.

It really isn’t. Sometimes she doesn’t get what she wants but whether she does or not it’s not an enjoyable atmosphere when she’s screaming the place down.

before Christmas they went on a Santa workshop which she ruined by just trying to take everything from the oldest and having tantrums when she couldn’t. Two hot chocolates - wanted both. Two presents - wanted both. Two reindeer - wanted the one ds had and the second he went to the other one wanted the other one.

It’s miserable whatever you do tbh.

That's really tough OP. It's not a solution but I would try to make lots of special time for the eldest, take them out alone and have special treats. it must be incredibly stressful for him to have this going on all the time. He will either grow to unfairly hate his sibling or worse, start giving in for a quiet life and develop a personality around this type of behaviour. I would advocate being tough on youngest and absolutely do not give in. Also don't waste energy explaining all the time, she should understand no and not yours. No negotiations, no arguments.

She also need to understand that whining is wrong, repeatedly asking / demanding is unacceptable. That's the really tricky bit. It depends on her understanding. The ideal would be having duplicate of most things but if you do need to have 1 thing, she needs to learn it's not her for the taking. If it's a turn taking situation you could have a 'waiting' toy, like a fidget or a small soft toy and you only get it while waiting. Maybe an egg timer too so she physically can see how long she has to wait. Then when it's her turn, her brother gets the waiting toy. If she whines or tries to grab during waiting time, you reset the timer. You'd need a few positive experiences before you try this though as she needs to learn that waiting is rewarded. If it's something only for brother that she can't have, just keep distracting and ignore the whining, completely blank her. Remove her physically so she cant grab and if she is screaming against a door so be it, stay near her but ignore her completely. Wear headphones if you have to, it will take the edge off the stress.

Forget about the outburst, it's ok. The fact that you are posting means you don't usually do it. Try to get some time away to reset. Even an hour or two. Dh and I used to take a day off once in a while which was a full day where you are completely off the clock, no prepping in advance or checking in. Sometimes we'd do an overnight at a cheap hotel, but it would feel like a holiday and I'd always come back feeling better about life.

Thanks @Dunderheided . I feel like I’ve failed them both massively.

I don't understand how it can't work... it's literally foolproof because if dc2 doesn't get interested in the second toy, dc1 actually starts genuinely having fun with that while dc2 gets the old ball and everyone wins.

The other benefit of this ruse is that dc1 catches your eye and laughs as if you've had an in-joke together and it lightens the mood.

If it's not working, it's either because your dc1 isn't playing along with the acting, or you don’t have a second toy to hand (impossible)

You don’t understand the following:

DS(5) has a ball
DD(2) wants the ball
DS gives her the ball and picks something else up

but then DS doesn’t have hisball?

You genuinely, actually don’t understand that? I’m asking because I recognise your username and I know you aren’t prone to being snarky but I can only think you are, on this occasion.

Unfortunately this is part of the problem.

They don't call it terrible twos for nothing and it will improve but you may want to take some action to reduce it.

It's not popular on here but I used time out. A clear warning 'no, your brother is playing with it, wait your turn'. If they ask again, repeat but with 'if you don't let him play with it you will have time out'.

Then go and sit him on bottom step or wherever is easy for you to contain him.

Your toddler will go mad and won't just sit there but you have to stick with the two minutes. At the end I'd offer a different ball. Would you like this one etc.

If they snatch it again, repeat. It will be bloody exhausting the first time but consistency makes a difference.

Your child has learned kicking off gets them what they want. You have to reprogramme that.

You need your husband to help too because it will be extremely frustrating.

They'll get there. Everyone loses it at some point and you've recognised it's not right and are asking for help. It's done now, beating yourself up about it won't help, deciding how you handle it better next time will.

Can you take 20 minutes to go for a walk and get a bit of perspective/peace?

She has to learn that whining gets nothing. Say no, once. Then nothing. If she whines put on headphones, say nothing. She can tantrum all she likes. Your son has to learn to not give in. She's learning that whining and tantrums work and needs to understand it doesn't work. I know you find it overwhelming but you all need to ignore the whining etc. If she behaves and asks she might get it.

Already posted but there could be a sensory issue here, sometimes simple techniques can help calm a disregulated child. I would recommend an OT, pay privately if you can afford it. It can be a game changer, sometimes it's about identifying the triggers and reacting. The demanding nature might be her personality but you might be able to manage the tantrums and screaming. It could be the difference between a quietly grumbling child and a screaming one. Which could be enough for your sanity.

Being petulant isn't going to help anyone, least of all you.

It's not personal; your toddler is not trying to upset or annoy you, or make your life difficult. Have you tried totally love-bombing and attention-bombing? Obviously making sure your five-year-old doesn't get left out (which should be where your DH comes in if he's not a waste of space).

She has the time ours but once she’s back from it it starts again.

Anyway it doesn’t matter. She’s here now and I can’t do much about it, any of it. I have neither the energy or the will and I don’t care any more.

Curious how you imagined your parenting journey would be prior to giving birth. What you describe here is hard work, but v much within the realms of normal for parenting at this stage of life. What would a perfect day look like for you, in terms of your kids’ behaviour?

Well then you need to get some support, whether it's your GP, local groups, relatives, paying for a nanny or au pair, or whatever. Clearly something has to change. Maybe you need to take anti-depressants for a bit if you feel like that.

I'm very sorry you're feeling so awful about this. You're clearly very distressed.

You've mentioned poor sleep. Is that both children, or just the little one?

I agree with what PP said; your DD has learnt whining gets her what she wants, it'll take a lot of repetition to break that cycle.

Have a look for local parenting courses; try Sure Start Centres, Family Hubs or the Early Help section on your local council website. If it's difficult to get to a course because of work there's often an online offer. Having the space to think about parenting and get support from other parents can be really helpful, there's an expectation we should just know what to do as parents but it doesn't work like that!

Is your husband there now? If so, get out of the house. You need a break. Go and get some fresh air.

Parenting toddlers is hard but it's impossible feeling as you seem to be.

And if you still feel the same after that, book an appointment with your GP.

It gets easier once both are at school.

Can uou get s copy of the Parenting Puzzle. It's brilliant and really helpful.

It is really really hard at these ages OP. Try to get some time to yourself if you can.

@allovernothingagain okay, not sure about his school bag, but to stop the 2 yo screaming over toys the 5 yo is playing with, I suggest, buy yourself an egg timer.

Explain (over the whining) that you understand that she’d like to play with that same toy, so we share. Explain to both children, that DS is playing with the toy but once the sand reaches the bottom it’s DD’s turn etc… and then if it’s a ball we could all play catch together.

Keep your tone soft but firm so they know it’s not up for discussion.

OP, massive sympathies. They can be perseverating little sods at this age.

Your most important parenting task is daily escape so you can gird your loins for the rest of it.

1. This isn’t your fault
2. you think it is
3. This isn’t your fault.

Everyone hits the roof with toddlers. DB says its nature’s way to combat the relentlessness of their loopy ego & unreason. No one gets trauma from
being snapped at once, incidentally.

You must get time off. Even 25 min a day with ☕️ or a pint of tequila would work. That’s a much more important part of parenting than refereeing unending rubbish.

Just think about how and where you get a daily break. It’s them, not you.

I remember really struggling with depression when mine were this age.
Antidepressants were a game changer, it didn’t change their behaviour but helped me feel more able to cope with it (and life in general). I could then see that they were just being children and could put in boundaries that were fair to everyone (eg, ds had it first so we will let him play with it until the alarm beeps and then dd gets a turn until the alarm beeps or we roll it to each other etc).

Is this depression something that you have considered?

Just the younger one. I’ll hide the thread if that’s OK, it isn’t really being massively helpful.