What is the point of carrying on with my life?

[HadEnoughOfThisLife]

I reckon if I dropped dead on a Wednesday night, it would be maybe 4 days before anyone noticed. Apart from the cat. And he’d only care because he wasn’t getting fed and is too fussy to eat my eyeballs and fingertips.
I live alone, no partner, no close friends, two grown up children; one I text a few times a week and speak to on the phone about once a week, the other….he’ll ignore my messages and get in touch when he wants something off me; no other relatives. I work 3 days a week, (Tues/ Weds in the office, Thurs wfh) go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and go to a couple of other weekly activities. I’m perfectly friendly and chatty at work and these activities but don’t have any contact with those people other than when we are face to face. I meet up for a walk and a coffee with one friend once a week, and another friend once every few weeks, but we rarely engage other than to arrange meet ups. They have families, friends and busy lives. Other than that I have no day to day interactions with anyone except if I buy something in a shop. (“Would you like a bag/your receipt?’ etc) or the occasional “Hi how are you?’ chats with neighbours.

From a philosophical point of view, my life is meaningless. I am not content on my own but can’t seem to make meaningful friendships. I’ve been single for 15+ years, and know I am a bit odd and shy so please don’t say ‘all you need to do is join groups, friendships take time, put yourself out there, ask people for a coffee’ etc etc. I am just not that kind of person, so you could say it is all my own fault.

I feel like Woolworths or the local pub on the corner that closes down. Everyone is sad because it has always been there in the background, but nobody actually went and spent time or money there.

I’m not depressed in the clinical sense, but what is the point of carrying on with my life?

The point of hanging around is to change this life. You sound like a lovely person who deserves way more.

Can you get more involved in things locally? Sign up to volunteer at a school or for Homestart or for a local charity or community gardening scheme? No guarantee you'd make friends, but there would be a sense of contributing to the world.

Have you tried saying 'Yes' to everything you are invited to, however unappealing - just for a few weeks to see if it kick starts something new in life? Have you tried to rev things up socially - invite your family of friends over for drinks or Sunday lunch or suggest meeting in town? Maybe see if there is something linked to your weekly activities - an exhibition or talk or expo that others might want to come to and suggest it. Don't get too downhearted if no one bites at first. Sometimes things need to be suggested a few times. Just go anyway and chat about it next time. Then after a while a few people will start showing interest.

Would you enjoy signing up for a holiday with one of the small tour companies like Explore or Exodus? They often have lots of single travellers (some tours or tour operators of this kind are specifically for single travellers) Think of some places you'd love to go and go there.

I know none of these solve the problem of feeling essentially a bit lonely, like you want to matter to people, and for them to show it, but - clichéd but true - if you start behaving like you matter to yourself, it has a weird effect on others too.

So this is quite interesting.

Everyone is desperate to suggest ways in which I need to find meaning and satisfaction from my life, to the point that MNHQ has been notified.
My response is, why?
Why should everyone find their life fulfilling and meaningful? Who do we live our lives for? Are we morally obliged to go on living because other people would be sad if we were dead?

Maybe you keep going because suicide is actually seriously difficult. Imagine if it went wrong and you didn't die.
I'm not being mean, I know exactly how you feel and honestly, have no problem with people ending their lives whenever they want to for whatever reason they want. I believe life is a total waste of time, we're going to die anyway so what's the point.
And yet, here I am still going. I manage by finding ridiculously over the top joy in the most ridiculous things. Oh look, there's a lady bug. Oh wow, I just smelt a lemon... Yep, I'm that sad that I get happy from the dumbest things. But hey, look at me, I've survived another day.
Maybe one day things will be wonderful and I won't have to "survive", but until then I live by embracing the tiny things. I hope you can do that too. Next time you meet a friend, add a cake to the coffee, or when you're in the office spend an extra five minutes gossiping by the photocopier. Laugh at a joke, smell a flower. Get through this day and hopefully the next will have something up it's sleeve for you.

I agree with others - there’s no point to anyone’s life.

Op, I think you should examine this question properly. Alain de Boston’s Consolations of Philosophy is a pretty accessible place to start.

For many, the acknowledgement that it’s all meaningless is really liberating. It allows you to see that which is not meaningless to you.

(as an aside and in a very different note - however remote and detached you believe your children to be - you are wrong. The whole point of you, for them, is to be remote, but there. That is your meaning in that sense.)

I also agree with @ChristmasIsComingVerySoon - actual suicide is very difficult and not without terrible risk.

Could you do something to help others and make your life more meaningful that way.
My friend felt similarly in her 50s and decided to become a foster carer. She has two teenage foster daughters now and it sounds like very hard work but her life has purpose and meaning and gives a sense of accomplishment when those girls are thriving and all the better for her being in their lives.

A bit extreme but a family member who struggles with mental health went and set up a life on a small Greek island and is part of a charity who look after those who have been half drowned or arrived on the migrant boats.

You only get one life. If it feels pointless then change it. Only you can make something happen for yourself and make yourself proud.

I've just read your latest post. Seriously good questions! It is a total impossibility that everyone can be fulfilled in life. Why do we keep going? Because it's too hard not to? Maybe because we either fear the unknown (death) or question the unknown (what if life is destined to get better for us?). Do we have to stay alive for others - no, it's your life, however, I know what loss feels like and I don't want to be the cause of that.

You don't know until you try. It might be that producing the perfect ebi nigiri does actually give you something else to be interested in - or maybe somebody there turns out to be the funniest, warmest person you've ever met. And if it all goes wrong, maybe describing the Tamago Roll Incident at another new activity as a cautionary tale to others thinking that nothing could possibly go wrong with making sushi could be the conversation that starts another completely different path.

Maybe try religion to find some meaning to life? Plenty of others have tried that and found meaning and comfort by doing so.

It doesn’t have to be work, but we are all responsible for giving our own lives meaning.

If I’m not misunderstanding, you feel left out behind and let down your children and friends? And like your life doesn’t have the meaning it did when your children were young? That’s totally valid.

But at the same time you’re describing quite a nice comfortable life where you have few difficulties/demands on you, don’t need to earn more money, and aren’t motivated to work that hard or try anything too new.

It really seems to me that you’re after better connection with your children and friends? Is that a fair assessment?

Well you've obviously seen a point to your life if you're still here mid 50s. I reckon you do want more from life, but actually you are just stuck in that negative thought cycle and don't know how to get out of it. I hope you find your way again soon.

Did you not read the bit in my original post where I said " please don’t say ‘all you need to do is join groups, friendships take time, put yourself out there, ask people for a coffee’ etc etc."
I mean, gosh, no, I have never considered going on singles holidays, or been to places that I want to go to…I have done those things several times already, but thanks for your completely novel suggestion.

Are you not grateful for anything in your life? Having gratitude for something helps. You’ve a job, no money worries. You raised your children, maybe you act negatively to some people and it keeps them at bay?

It’s the small things in life that make a lot of people happy. But start with gratitude on what you do have might help.

Thank you!!

I think you need to speak to your doctor and if you drink then cut back along with anything else that may not be helping your mood

I don't want to try to diminish your feelings but if you look objectively at your life, you've actually got a lot of regular, meaningful human contact.
Would you consider doing some volunteering? Perhaps you're not feeling particularly useful or valued, and helping would be rewarding and give you an opportunity to meet new people. Or join a walking group or open water swimming club instead of the gym? Might have more of a community spirit?
I'm sorry you feel like this and wish you all the best.

Sorry, but 🙄

The point in carrying on your life is that the family of the deceased NEVER recover from the suicide of a family member.

They just don’t. Suicide ruins lives .

Im a professional working in this area , so know only to well the devastation it causes.

What, nobody EVER realises that life was intolerable for that person and accepts that death was the best option for them?

From what you say about your life it doesn’t sound shit though. You have a job you like, kids who are apparently doing ok independently and keeping in touch as much as can be expected of adult kids, you have friends who you see regularly, you have time to exercise, you have a home, a cat. It sounds like a normal, nice life. I second the suggestion about about anti-depressants as they have made the biggest difference to me, and I also didn’t think I was depressed before.

Well you are so bloody sneery and negative when strangers are trying to be kind and helpful, I can see how hard it must be to make connections with people who want to maintain them. Stop sniping at people. Stop being so bitter that others don't seek your company while simultaneously being so unpleasant.

Close friendships can come from anywhere. Several of my closest friends, who I see regularly, I met online in a forum not unlike this one. They were strangers. They offered me advice at times. I did the same. We didn't sneer and snap at each other. We chose to connect. A few years down the line, we have dinner and celebrate each other's birthdays and go on holiday together and have even helped each other's careers. But first, you know...we were nice to each other online!

Do you want to find ways to improve it or do you just want to vent, both are okay but may help get more targeted responses.

i can relate to what you say about not being the type of person who puts myself out there (I have adhd and autism combined and the autism side causes me to struggle with that)

If you do want to find purpose I think people have suggested good ideas already, it’s just whether you’re in the mindset to take them on board or not as when your mental health isn’t in the best place sometimes it’s not that easy to do

I’m not sure how interested you are in travel, but it’s one of the best things I’ve found to shift me from these funks. Could be anything from a short local weekend to a far flung two weeks exploring Asia. You could look on YouTube and some places that appeal and it may help? I find having something to plan for and look forward to makes me feel like I’ve got more purpose and direction in my life.

i also like to do introverted hobbies when I’m not feeling sociable - reading, adult colouring, puzzles, the occasional binge watch etc. is there anything you can do in your comfortable home environment that is interesting to you? Fiction can be good because it transports you to another world, creative hobbies get you out of your head. I’ve also found swimming and sauna/steam to help with this too.

Another thing I like to do is appreciate the seasons and try to weave them into my life - eating seasonally and romanticising them a bit, and getting out in nature for daily walks

not sure if any of this is helpful, I think trying to shake off the funk is the first part but sometimes it’s like trying to pull yourself out of quicksand

In answer to your question: I have a fairly extensive history of suicide in my family and having seen up close the utter devastation it causes, the suffering beyond comprehension, the ripple effects which in many cases could not possibly, ever, have been foreseen by the person taking their life (including enduring effects on adult children’s lives) I do believe most firmly that - yes, it is our duty to continue our lives to avoid causing suffering to others.

The thing about duty is that it is not easy. One may resent duty and struggle against it. One may feel deeply resentful & bitter when it is pointed out. But it is nevertheless a purpose, & purpose is valuable & meaningful.

I also think the way you put it on your original post your life doesn't seem so bad at all, you even have friends to meet up with, which is more than a lot of people can say. But you don't feel that is enough. I would second the suggestions of volunteering to help others and spending more time in nature (not sure about the cold water swimming though but many swear by it) and would add joining a choir or travelling to experience a very different culture if you have the means. But you don't seem to be open to any suggestions, which makes me think you are quite content in your self pity and are maybe actually depressed and need some professional help. Good luck!

It can be really bloody difficult to be nice, appreciative, grateful, pleasant, positive, kind, friendly etc when you're at your lowest ebb though. Sometimes you do want to be angry, snippy and bite a bit. Life can wear you right down and people can just get on your last nerve by making suggestions, no matter how well meaning.