I lied to ds about his pip. Because he was violent.

[Pipanger]

In a nut shell. Ds has some mental health issues. He was very aggressive and violent to me. It was awful and went on for sometime. Eventually ds went into supported accommodation. But he was still at my house alot more so than the accommodation he would spend most of his days amd nights in my house. Eating food, doing washing . Using the gas/electric.

Because of his aggression and violence. I couldn't explain to him that he needed to pay his way. So I lied to him about his pip. I told him that he was getting middle rate when he was actually getting heigh rate. I did this so I could take just under 300 for monthly house keeping

Things have changed now hes not really stayed at my house for the past 3 months. So I can't justify taking that money anymore. I have been saving it for him for the past 3 months.

The problem is that I lied but I done it out of safety and the fact I couldn't afford to pay for the stuff he was using.

But now hes not here he needs the full amount the problem is it don't want it to cause a massive fall out. I cant even just tell him theres been a change in his rate here's the money. Because hes claiming for a free bus pass and needs the proof of pip. So hes going to know when it all started. I cant just say you had to pay your way because he doesn't think he should and doesn't really know the cost of running things.

Hes also extremely bad with money his money is gone within 2-3 days of payment. Then he borrows money of everyone he knows. And the extra money he gets wont change that as he will do the same thing. Im an ideal world I would like to keep saving it for him

The post says he is in supported living. People don't go in to supported living unless they have high support needs.

It is not theft or financial abuse, what rubbish. OP is the legally recognised appointee and can spend the money on whatever benefits her DC/the home he lives in. My own DS get's PIP (16 is far too young to be responsible for applying and dealing with benefits imo) and I am his appointee. I use some to pay bills, for the car, all things he benefits from. He's only 16, he can't even budget his pocket money. So, I buy everything he needs or wants, within reason. He knows I claimed DLA/PIP for him but doesn't know the amounts.
Don't feel guilty OP. Can you apply for the travel permit for him? The PIP letter will state if he's HR mobility or not.

Can you tell him over the phone or by text so he cannot physically hurt you? Explain he now has access to the higher level PIP. Lucky boy. Put the 1k in a savings account with his name on - present him with the account at Xmas.

For the posters who think parents in this position shouldn't have taken the money, please can you tell me how else they could have afforded the food for him? For many people, every last penny is accounted for, so to then rustle up food for another adult day after day isn't possible. Plus still needing a property with an extra bedroom for him, in case the placement falls through etc will push up rent.

Exactly if I was financially abusing him. I wouldn't have even told him about the pip . I would have just taken the lot. It wouldn't have even occurred to him to claim. So I could have done it. But I didn't because I would never do that.

Because im his appointee I should really be doing it for him as its linked to the pip. But he was being quite aggressive in his tone so I didn't say anything.

I manage DS pip, but I tell him about every expenditure I use (not that he actually cares), for him which I use for him only. He tells me when his bills (Spotify, Roblox etc) have gone out and I transfer him the money, when he goes out I send him money. I have his o2 on my account which I take the money for, I also have to use for his contact solution and other medical supplies he has. Any meals he has out etc. i get needing the money but I couldn’t fathom not telling DS I’ve used his money even if it was for a justified reason.

But is your ds aggressive/violent towards you ? You said yourself not that ds would care. I was keeping some (not all) of gs pip for him to pay his way at home. Our situations and children are different our situation is not the same

I hope this works out well for you OP, it is obvious that you have done this with the best of intentions and it is not always easy to talk sense to others.

Oh behave 🙄

@Pipangerignore the haters here, they have no understanding of this. You did totally the right thing and you are continuing to want to do the right thing by trying to explain it to ds in a way he can understand.

Yeah i know trying my best. Hopefully something will get sorted

If you are his appointee and he spends all his money in 2-3 days of having it why don't you split his money into 4 and give him 1/4 of his money each week? He clearly can't manage his money monthly.

The problem really is with getting PIP at 16, 18 is a far more reasonable age,unless the YP is living away from carers. At 16, I was sleeping outside my dd bedroom every night making sure she wasn’t going to kill herself and ensuring she ate during the day. Walking her to school, navigating numerous appts for her and taking her to social events with friends. Yet, for all that caring, she got the award (I was her appointee, but she still called it her money). I was run ragged with trying to work park time because I needed decent money to live on, not carers, and all that care.

PIP should really be from 18 when yp
usually live with parents until then.

Do you mean DLA? There are only two tiers of PIP for both daily living and mobility components, these are standard and enhanced, I have never heard of a middle band for PIP.

I don’t see anything wrong with you taking money for his household expenses as you were his appointee; now he’s moved out you need to send all the money over. If he kicks off you’ve got a good reason for having taken the money and he’s still going to be better off than he thought. If you’re scared he’ll be aggressive then I’d see if you can get support from someone when you next meet up.
He no longer needs free access to your home so if he’s not safe for you to be around I’d change the locks.

You may already be doing this OP, but given the amount you do to support your son, have you considered claiming carers allowance?

Reading the comment about him now having a girlfriend and spending more time at his own accommodation has anyone spoken to him about contraception as could well see the next issue being him becoming a young parent making his situation even worse.

Can you contact PIP and ask for a specific letter just detailing his points and current rate of benefit. Maybe explain the situation to them, ask about the bus pass and points.

It’s not free pocket money, it was used to feed, clothe him and help towards the bills- I take it he wouldn’t accept that answer.

Is this the same son who didn't go with you all on holiday?

My brother has severe mental illness and recieves higher rate daily living and lower rate mobility.

If what you have taken is honest and fair all you have to worry about is how you tell him. Just say the higher rate meant that he could make unexpected visits but now it's been building up.

There are council support loans you can get for things - they then get basically taken direct out of the benefit payments. It might be worth him doing a Christian Against Poverty budgeting workshop.

DB has never been great with money so now his water and electric come direct out of benefits via the Fuel Direct and Water Direct schemes which I helped him set up - essentially there are options. Stopped him borrowing cash for topping up the electric (or sitting in the dark) and getting into huge debt on bills.

Edited to add it would be worth calling Mind for advice.

I will definitely contact pip. Im going to need to anyway.

No he wouldn't accept that answer. I partly dont understand because he must know bills and food are not free. Since hes been properly gone my bills have roughly gone to half.

Ds is not ready for that yet . But definitely sounds like a good idea for when he is. Thank you . Had necer heard of that.

Really, more benefits? 🤔
He lives in supported accommodation, when he chooses to.

Yes