Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

Dd also had a great summer.
Only really got nervous about gcse results with 48 hours to go.
I think she'd have been better to start sooner - the majority of her friends started their courses at various provisions last week

@destiel00
Thank you for that… see how the next few weeks go and perhaps arrange another appointment. it’s good to know that it might still be an option.
has your dd a diagnosis? I do wonder if mine is autistic but other than the social anxiety I don’t see any other signs and she certainly didn’t cause me any concerns until she was a teen. She was a really happy, sociable child and I see glimpses of that now from time to time.
It also helps to know I’m not alone. When I mention her social anxiety to others they look amazed and I’m sure think I’m making it up. Yes she has friends and goes out and loves nothing more than a noisy concert or music event. Yes she can go abroad and speak confidently in a room.l of strangers.
I’ve just tried again to encourage her to speak to the welfare team at school as I feel I’ve extinguished all my powers and advice. I’ve also said that if she keeps doing the things she’s always done then she’ll get the same result- felt a bit horrible saying that when I know she’s struggling but she’s so desperate for change.

Dd says she is fed up of people (adults including her counsellor and teachers) telling her that it's normal to be anxious.
She says she wants to be around people her own age and talk to them...but she tends to seek out older kids/people?
No idea.
I'm winging it, frankly.

I always remind myself that my dd's 'recovery' isn't a linear one, it is incredibly disheartening and frustrating that we make improvements, sometimes leaps of improvements and fall back. But unfortunately, it comes with the territory of mental health and as long we are still heading in the right direction, I try to find peace in that.

@littlelottie83 my one has a diagnosis of ADHD with autistic traits. And one of my others is probably autistic or at the very least has traits. Both take meds of some description which help but are not a miracle cure. The same goes for therapy.

I have been dealing with one thing or the other for probably a decade now, and I have learnt that often they don't want to be 'saved', they want to be heard so in many ways yes you have to wait for them to want to change. This is hard for us to deal with but the reality is that providing unwanted 'solutions' although might make us feel better probably makes them feel worse. The line between supporting and pushing is such a difficult one to navigate that I have got it wrong many many times.

@Okisenough
very wise words! I know I’m ‘a fixer’ which doesn’t help!

Oh, I'm definitely making things worse.
Dd1 is going to pick dd up later...time for her to decompress a bit.

I have a theory...😬🤔
(I freely admit that this should have occurred to me before now....)
Dd did Y11 mocks in November last year.
She had her first panic attack over the Christmas holidays 😟
She told me that her mocks had gone well.
It wasn't until the Y11 parents evening (which was March, I think...) that it became clear that she had lied.
She got 3s in some subjects, including maths and English.
It's only really now that I'm putting the timeframe together...
I think she realised she hadn't done well, didn't want to tell us, and went into full on panic mode.
She got good grades tbh considering the lack of effort put in, so I'm struggling to understand why she's so angry atm.
Embarrassed?
Sigh.
Who knows?

We had our first meltdown, everyone was in today and it was very busy, and she had several lessons. Just very overwhelming after a very quiet summer.

@destiel00i imagine she is annoyed with herself. Several of DDs friends messed up and have been quite angry about it, but in every case they just didn’t put the work in.

I'm sorry to hear about the meltdown 😔
Re: dd - tbh she should be very happy with her results...she did much better than perhaps even she expected 🤷‍♀️
Tonight its older dds turn to have me pulling my hair out 😬
She has totally messed up some basic admin which will mean cost and time and, frankly, looks poor
🙄😡

Sigh.
So.
Dd has promised a friend to make something for an important event.
Friend now away on holiday and dd is rotting in bed.
She has a few days now until college starts properly.
Do I:
A) leave her to it, let her friend down and deal with aftermath? (Which would be ugly)
B) kick her out of bed and help her do it?
Ffs

I might get her up and get her started with it?

turns out DDs meltdown was hormonal (which is why I want to get her on the implant). But she had 100% attendance, she is also much more committed to keeping it up. Amazing.

That sounds very positive 👍
I had the most horrific time with my periods at her age, so I sympathise

@MinionKevin
Is the implant helping with no periods?
DD is on the pill but I am asking her to consider the implant as one less thing to remember to take.

How are is everyone?
Interesting re implant and hormones, that maybe a good idea for my DD as well, she has a BF but is adamant she doesn't want or need to go on the pill but an unplanned pregnancy would be a disaster.
Boyfriend is going off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've had tears today about it. I think it's becoming real and she probably relies too much on him, I have tried to get her to meet up with friends but it's hard going, she's not in a school(she has 121 tutoring) so social opportunities are limited and all social activities are geared round BF.
BF is also putting a bit of pressure on her to drive places but she's only just passed her test and has only been out a few times so isn't that confident, and of course is anxious, he doesn't drive so I don't think he gets it.
I went out with her on a local familiar journey and tbh I was terrified 😂
She's still getting used to her own car which is older and more basic than driving instructors car.
@destiel00
Any luck with project? My DD is a great one for vegging and sleeping at weekend. She has PDA and didn't manage any of the summer tasks her tutors had set her. I'm always saying the wrong thing but I honestly think I can't get it right and she will either do it or not regardless of my input.

@MinionKevin
100% attendance is amazing, fingers crossed for next week.

Hope next week is kind to us all and our DC

@Runnerduck34
I would worry about the driving and the bf adding to the stress.
As they say the real learning to drive comes after the test. I hope DD can say no if she is not comfortable doing a certain route. I tell DD it's not sufficient if she is safe in the car, she now has a responsibility to keep other road users safe too when she is driving.
I really wish they bring the law about the under 21 and taking passengers.

Hi
Dd seems ok.
We have a difficult couple of days coming up which, unfortunately, coincide with a family funeral and the start of dds hobby group for the next year to 😬
She's excited about starting properly

There is an implant that lasts 3 years or there are the 3 month injections. DD is unsure now as she doesn’t like injections, having more settled hormones would help so much!

@Runnerduck34i learned to drive late. My instructor told me when I passed to go out every single day, even for 5 minutes, it makes driving seem more normal. I did do that, it is terrifying though.

DD still going in, talking about doing extra time to help a teacher out. Saying she would like a job?! She’s not even similar to the person she was a year ago!

So pleased for her

Dds first full day at college today...
She seems to be enjoying it, although today is an IT day so she may be fed up when she gets home

How did she get on @destiel00

we are sfill going well here, some small wobbles but all to be expected. She’s volunteering to help with an out of hours activity at school, never would have done that before.

She seems to be enjoying it @MinionKevin, thanks for asking.
She's got a project for a friend that needs finishing so I'm going to have a fun weekend! 😬
Your dd seems to be coping well?
Let's hope it continues for both of them 🙏

It weird but I’ve been so used to her being home so much the last few years I miss her when she is in! I’ve joined a gym and have been going a lot and would like to get back into work but would need to work around her still.

I know what you mean...
Between my elderly mother, dh working away more, supporting older dd with her future/job stresses and facilitating dds travel to college, there just isn't a job that could work atm, which does make me a bit sad :(
But things will change eventually...they always do

How is everyone getting on. We’ve been mostly good, we had some issues over a school trip (her first in years) and things like that show that I still need to be available.
Going to the gym a lot though!

Hi 👋
I've been ill with a chest infection 😷
Dd had a stomach upset last week so missed a day, but was ok about it and emailed the tutor to ask about any missed work.
She's going on a trip next week so 🤞
She seems to be enjoying it.
Older dd is getting a fair bit of ad hoc work so that's good.
I'm just feeling wrung out - probably the past few months catching up with me?